Saying goodbye...
 

I am just back to the BE community after the most horrific experience of my life.
I got a call from my sister on 8th Jan to say my mother had been taken ill and rushed into hospital with a suspected heavy stroke. By the time I got to the hospital at 4:00am on the 10th she had suffered a big heart attack too and was only being sustained with the help of the oxygen supply.
She was very weak but managed to open her eyes and look into my eyes for just a moment. She never opened her eyes again after that and we lost her on Sunday the 13th of January 2013.

The reason I'm writing this here is because I've realised that if I'd already embarked my planned move to Canada by now, then I would probably not have got back in time to see my mother look into my eyes before she passed and I would have been devastated.

There are only three positives I can take from this whole experience:
1; She did not recover to find herself disabled by her stroke...she was such an active person even at the age of 79 and she would have been heartbroken to find she could no longer do all the activities she loved.
2; She knew I was there and I was holding her hand, and she looked into my eyes before she passed.
3; I am so proud that I am her son.

The point I'm trying to make within this thread is...before you embark on an adventure to another country far away, make sure you look straight into the eyes of your loved ones and tell them you love them, because it could well be the last opportunity you get to do it.

Re: Saying goodbye...
 

So sorry to hear you lost your mum. :(

Sound advice at the end - thank you.

Re: Saying goodbye...
 

Im so sorry to hear about your mum's passing. Its a really hard time and memories can be really painful at first, it takes time for the memories to become fond, but it does start to happen, I promise.

Very good advice at the end too.

Re: Saying goodbye...
 

Sorry for your loss Gazman.

I will make sure I tell my folks how much I love and appreciate them before we leave them in March.

Best wishes to you and your family.

Re: Saying goodbye...
 

Unbelievable that this scenario doesn't dawn on people before the big move .
Not being harsh but the reality is that leaving relatives behind , especially the elderly ones , sooner or later the call will come . Tis a lot easier to grab a flight back from here than it would be from Oz but even so ffs think ahead .

Re: Saying goodbye...
 

insensitive much :blink:

Pretty sure it downs on all of us, all the time ffs.

Re: Saying goodbye...
 

Sorry to hear that mate,I know the feeling too well myself having lost my mum to a hospital blunder when she was only 47,15years ago now.
I was there at the end like yourself mate,and understand how it feels.

I got hit with a double whammy as 3 years later my wee bro was diagnosed with 75% renal kidney failure from a mystery childhood illness that no one picked up on.

My dad was in the Falklands when his father took ill,it took 3weeks to get back to the UK,by then he was gone though :(

Don't do what I done,bottle it up,hit drink,etc... talk to someone that you can mate!
I reckon loosing a parent is the hardest thing in the world,short of loosing a child.

All the best mate,I know how hard it can be,things DO get better/easier though,hang in there.

Re: Saying goodbye...
 

Deeply sorry for your loss and a good reminder to people before they embark on this kind of adventure.

My ex-hubby and I moved to Canada in 96. Four months later we got the call that his mum had passed away totally unexpectedly. As you can imagine he never forgave himself for not being there for her.

Be glad that you were there at the end, and I'm sure your mum would bless your future plans. xx

Re: Saying goodbye...
 

Gazman that's awful, and I'm so glad that you were there at the last for your mum. The only thing is that death is quite often unexpected. I boarded a train at Clapham Junction some years back and the man next to me had a problem and by the end of the journey had died in my arms. My own mother and father died within a year of each other, but completely unexpectedly too. When my dad died I was less than five miles away. You can't always put your life on hold in preparation for unforeseen circumstances. You can, as you say, always let those you love know it, and try your best to never go to sleep on a cross word or an argument. The rest is just up to life's Lotto.

Re: Saying goodbye...
 

No it doesn't. I had a brother who left the country and left myself and our elderly father without a word of 'what if'. He has done this sort of thing all his life and NO HE DIDN'T THINK and never will. Rant....

Re: Saying goodbye...
 

Hey Gazman

Firstly, wanna say my thoughts are with you during this difficult time. My story is different to yours, however we were in a similar process of planing our move to Canada, when my Dad died.

I went through so much Guilt at the time about how I had been planning a new life, while my Dad's was coming to an end. On reflection I know how much he would have wanted me to be happy in this world and never would have been a reason I was not.

One thing I would seriously consider and in my case it was the reason Canada did not work first time for me ( and I did say in my case). If you can take time, maybe put the move on hold, grieve if you need to. I moved within 4 months of my Dad's death, away from Friends & Relatives and everything that connected me to him, his home, his routines. In the end the grief became too much and I had to come back and mourn my loss in familiar surroundings.

I lost both parents before I was forty, one suddenly, one not.

What you say about telling people you love that fact is so important, you never know when you will be near them again physically. My Mum suffered a huge heart attack, whilst on holiday. She had literally put the phone down on my Dad. My half-sister said the last words she said was " I Love you" to my Dad, put down the receiver and then was gone.

My Mum always used to say to me when I was growing up "Remember those you treasure in your life - as those memories will become the treasures."

Re: Saying goodbye...
 

If you love 'em, tell 'em. Often.

Anyone can be gone in the blink of an eye. I missed the death of both my parents, and I was not far away. They knew I loved them very much, and vice versa.

It's crap, but it happens. Gazman - so glad you were able to get there. :)

Re: Saying goodbye...
 

That's called life and everyone is entitled to do whatever they like with theirs.

Also I'd imagine "most" people do give it a bit of thought before they go. I certainly knew when I made the choice to try and come to Canada permanently that it might be the last time I saw some of my relatives. I know my parents, who are also moving to Canada soon, have been putting a lot of thought into how to help my elderly grandparents including trying to find them a home that is close to other relatives back home.

If everyone just stayed "at home" the entire American continents (north and south) would be empty.

Re: Saying goodbye...
 

...of non-native peoples.

Re: Saying goodbye...
 

Thanks for your kind words and thank you everyone else too.
I couldn't even hit the bottle if I wanted to because there has been so much to do...but I have discovered that when I need a moment away from the chaos,...what helps is just 'one pint' on my own in a quiet pub up the road.
I'll sit in the corner on my own, let the wave hit me again, have a little cry to myself, then I go back to the chaos...it's a little release and it helps.
This is quite ironic because there were times in my life where I could not possibly have gone to a pub and had just 'one pint'...it would have to followed by another and then another half-dozen at least!.

Isn't it funny how we never expect this to ever happen. Perhaps it's because we're brought up with so many tales that end in the words "and they all lived happily ever after"......

Re: Saying goodbye...
 

Happened to me as well, mom died suddenly march 2010, alone, I was halfway across the world here, sister was less than two blocks from her. Glad I had a great telephone coversation with her a few days before but it was my sister that felt more guilt, for being so close and not being able to help. And of course I thought about it before I left and still do about my dad and stepmom, who are both in good health in their 50/60s. But there was no way my mother would have allowed me to stay because of a what if. I always Planned on moving back to bc when she got older and her health started to go but no one expets to lose their mum at 61.

Re: Saying goodbye...
 

So sorry for your loss but wanted to thank you for sharing your story.

Re: Saying goodbye...
 

Or, in other words, empty.

Re: Saying goodbye...
 

I received an email his morning from my neighbour who had opened a letter from a solicitor that had arrived at my old UK address to tell me my Dad had died on the 28th December. We had a discussion before he lost it about him wishing he could say 'goodbye' and drift off to sleep forever about this time last year. Last time I saw him before I came back to CA he didn't know who I was so I would like to think we said 'goodbye' a long time ago.

Re: Saying goodbye...
 

My Dad was pretty much the same in and out of lucidness. It is such an awful illness not just to the person suffering from it , but to all of those around it. I know in the case of my Dad and for most, with alzheimers we say our goodbyes long before it is goodbye!

Re: Saying goodbye...
 

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. Half of the battle here for you is the schock factor. We lost a very good friend very suddenly and another through cancer. The first death was easiest on him but hardest on us, the second was easier in a way for us but harder for her, as we had time to get on a flight and say goodbye.

The shock of sudden passing cannot be under-estimated and time will help you but there are, as everyone knows, no shortcuts.

Good advice as everyone has said, keep telling people that you love them, wherever you reside in the world. Thats all you can do, death is the only certainty in life.

Re: Saying goodbye...
 

Or as they say in Avenue Q "Death and Taxes" :)

Rx

Re: Saying goodbye...
 

Sorry to hear of your loss. My wife did not get back in time to see her mother, she was over the Atlantic returning when she passed having received the call to go back asap.