Making friends
 

My husband and I moved to Ottawa in 2007, full of hope for the future. 8 years on we have had a lot of stuff to deal with - the most difficult thing is having few friends. Canadians are always very nice on the surface but seem unwilling to become closer. And in our experience they don't seem to be interested in understanding our culture or background. They seem so wrapped up in their own world. I often feel misunderstood (irony seems to be something not understood here) and having bland conversations. Any tips of finding new friends would be welcome. We are thinking of attending British ex pat events just to have a 'normal' conversation from time to time! We have persisted with a number of superficial friendships, but it is always us doing the work (having dinners, making the calls, etc) that are not often reciprocated. We are no longer prepared to do that and consequently those 'friendships' have dissolved. At this point returning to the UK seems like a wonderful idea! ;)

Re: Making friends
 

I suppose some settle and make friends and some don't. If you're unhappy and have the opportunity to move back to the UK why not? There's no shame in that. Where we live we have a good mix of nationalities to hang out with.

Re: Making friends
 

Well...only one of us feels that way about returning to the UK!

Re: Making friends
 

I do agree with you, it is difficult to find people to commit to long term friendships and in ten years here, I have had a huge cycle of friends, as people move on to other friends that align more with their kids activities.

Unfortunately maybe this is also something to do with the fact that people are just too busy these days.

Re: Making friends
 

Forget about making friends here, the cultural differences are too great to make it happen on anything but a superficial and cursory nature. If you stay here just try and be content to live an isolated life.

Re: Making friends
 

It's just harder in general to make friends as adults, people tend to get set in their way's and the people they know, and don't have as much interest in new friends.

I have found it slightly more difficult vs the US, but by and large Canadians are pretty much the same, both countries can be hard for newcomers to meet people and make friends.

Everyone I know is through my wife, before I met her and after I split with the ex, I didn't know a soul outside of work, but co-workers had no interest in being friends outside of work.

Just part of life.

Re: Making friends
 

I agree Oink that cultural differences are great between UK and Canada. This has been a surprise to me. I am constantly having to reinterpret what I am saying. Dry humour always seems to be misunderstood. i also wonder if there is something about Ottawa. As a government town, everyone working in government is focused on their 'freedom 55' date and then extensive international travel. Ottawa seems to close down at 9.30pm!

Re: Making friends
 

Government city's don't tend to be exciting in North America for the most part, although exceptions do exist.

Victoria, BC's government capital is pretty boring place at night.

Canada is more aligned culturally to the US then the UK, We American's tend to not get dry humor either.

Re: Making friends
 

We have had the opposite experience,it helps having kids in school for sure.
I found most people in the UK were friends merely if it suited them,ie there is something in it for them.

Re: Making friends
 

It is definitely harder to make friends as an adult anyway! I moved to a different town within the UK where I have been now been living for 4 years and, aside from all my 'old' friends with whom I am still in touch, I only made one new friend who has now moved away! Now it's not as convenient to touch base so we are gradually drifting apart. I have came to the conclusion that in this day and age, there has to be something in common to make a new friendship more natural and 'easy to maintain' - such as having kids in the same school - otherwise you do face an uphill struggle. Although, it doesn't help that I'm quite shy and not very good at small talk!

Re: Making friends
 

That is my trouble as well with meeting new people. And seems people in my age group fall into 3 categories:

Professionals with no kids but career oriented.

Parents with kids, some with nearly adult kids, and even know someone who is a grandparent...lol

Single parents.

I don't see many late 30's who have much in common with me. Parents generally don't have time to be friends with non-parents or much in common.

Re: Making friends
 

Hi Chudleigh,

I'm afraid I can't offer any useful advice but I just wanted to sympathise. I have lived in Canada for 16 years now and in that time I have made no real friends. As you say, superficially very friendly but mostly talk in platitudes and very hard to get to know at a deeper level. My wife has had a little more success at making reasonably good friends but I can only think nostalgically about the 3 or 4 good friends I had while living in England, 2 of whom are now dead :(

Re: Making friends
 

My experience here is that there are a lot of fairweather friends. If you're not useful, don't expect a response.

Re: Making friends
 

Oh yes I 100% agree with this. But the same also happens in the UK.

Re: Making friends
 

I think it's a mix. I certainly found moving to the UK in my twenties that it did take some work to make some friends, and in my 5 years there, my friend group definitely rotated and cycled through a bit.

Now that we are back in Canada, I have reconnnected with some people from uni. I was never super close with them, so a bit more of the work has been on my side with re-establishing myself in there. I think some people are just better about planning things than others.

I am a planner, I tend to take the lead in organizing social events. I have a bunch of friends who are otherwise lovely but who are awful at this sort of thing.

My husband is awful at organizing social stuff. Even in the UK with his uni friends, if it was left to him to organize social events, he'd never see any of them. He's just not that kind of person. Once he's IN the situation it's completely fine - he's not shy or reserved... he's just awful at making the plans in the first place! Particularly since he's been with me, he just assumes I'll do it all, haha. I often have to poke him to go for drinks with work colleagues, or to sign up for the summer football (soccer) league with his work colleagues!

So I think when you combine that with it generally being a bit tougher to make friends as an adult... it just takes a bit more effort, but it's doable. We are settling in well here, and have started to establish social circles again - Husband has even gone to a few poker nights with the so-called "husbands of our uni lady friends" group, haha, so it works out well I think!