I stole this
Oct 21st 2005, 7:49 pm
#1
BE Forum Addict
Thread Starter
Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 3,015
I stole this
from another expat board - think you might enjoy it:
A major Hurricane (Shazza) hit in the early hours of Monday. Epicentre:
Basildon, Essex. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering
"f@#$%ckin ell" ...
The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately GBP30 worth of
damage.
Several priceless collections of mementos from the Balearics and Spanish
Costas were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars
were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived.
Essex FM (County Radio Station) reported that hundreds of residents were
confused and bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact that
something interesting had happened in Basildon.
One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said "Jesus!
It was a well big shock, d'ya know what I mean? me lil Chardonnay-Mercedes
come runnin into me bedroom cryin. Me youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and
Megan-Storm slept froo it all, d'ya know what I mean? I was still shakin
when I was watchin Trisha the next morning. Ya know what I mean don't ya?"
Apparently though, looting, muggings and car crime did carry on as normal.
The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny
Delight to the area to help the stricken locals.
Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large
quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from
Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.
HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those
unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most
sought after - items most needed include:
-- Louis Vuitton or Burberry baseball caps
-- Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
-- Shell suits (female)
-- White sport socks
-- Rockport boots
-- Any other items usually sold in Primark.
Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.
Required foodstuffs include:
-- Microwave meals
-- Tins of baked beans
-- Ice cream
-- Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.
22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms chips, crisps and
blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9 GBP5 will pay for a packet of B&H and
a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.
**Breaking news**
Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alcopop -
'where are you bleeding from?' they asked - "ROMFORD mate" said the girl,
"woss that got to do wiv it?"
A major Hurricane (Shazza) hit in the early hours of Monday. Epicentre:
Basildon, Essex. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering
"f@#$%ckin ell" ...
The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately GBP30 worth of
damage.
Several priceless collections of mementos from the Balearics and Spanish
Costas were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars
were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived.
Essex FM (County Radio Station) reported that hundreds of residents were
confused and bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact that
something interesting had happened in Basildon.
One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said "Jesus!
It was a well big shock, d'ya know what I mean? me lil Chardonnay-Mercedes
come runnin into me bedroom cryin. Me youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and
Megan-Storm slept froo it all, d'ya know what I mean? I was still shakin
when I was watchin Trisha the next morning. Ya know what I mean don't ya?"
Apparently though, looting, muggings and car crime did carry on as normal.
The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny
Delight to the area to help the stricken locals.
Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large
quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from
Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.
HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those
unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most
sought after - items most needed include:
-- Louis Vuitton or Burberry baseball caps
-- Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
-- Shell suits (female)
-- White sport socks
-- Rockport boots
-- Any other items usually sold in Primark.
Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.
Required foodstuffs include:
-- Microwave meals
-- Tins of baked beans
-- Ice cream
-- Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.
22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms chips, crisps and
blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9 GBP5 will pay for a packet of B&H and
a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.
**Breaking news**
Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alcopop -
'where are you bleeding from?' they asked - "ROMFORD mate" said the girl,
"woss that got to do wiv it?"
Oct 21st 2005, 8:22 pm
#2
Lost in BE Cyberspace
Joined: Sep 2004
Location: Windsor, ON; Chicago, IL
Posts: 6,713
Re: I stole this
Oct 21st 2005, 10:50 pm
#3
BE Enthusiast
Joined: Feb 2002
Location: Swift Current, SK
Posts: 695
Re: I stole this
Thanks for the nice post liz, it really had me chuckling. Made me realise I HAVE to stop saying 'see you later' to all and sundry 
Oct 21st 2005, 11:14 pm
#4
BE Enthusiast
Joined: Feb 2005
Location: Toronto. ON
Posts: 919
Re: I stole this
LOL. I so miss the UK.....NOT!
Originally Posted by lizwil98
from another expat board - think you might enjoy it:
A major Hurricane (Shazza) hit in the early hours of Monday. Epicentre:
Basildon, Essex. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering
"f@#$%ckin ell" ...
The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately GBP30 worth of
damage.
Several priceless collections of mementos from the Balearics and Spanish
Costas were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars
were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived.
Essex FM (County Radio Station) reported that hundreds of residents were
confused and bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact that
something interesting had happened in Basildon.
One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said "Jesus!
It was a well big shock, d'ya know what I mean? me lil Chardonnay-Mercedes
come runnin into me bedroom cryin. Me youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and
Megan-Storm slept froo it all, d'ya know what I mean? I was still shakin
when I was watchin Trisha the next morning. Ya know what I mean don't ya?"
Apparently though, looting, muggings and car crime did carry on as normal.
The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny
Delight to the area to help the stricken locals.
Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large
quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from
Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.
HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those
unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most
sought after - items most needed include:
-- Louis Vuitton or Burberry baseball caps
-- Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
-- Shell suits (female)
-- White sport socks
-- Rockport boots
-- Any other items usually sold in Primark.
Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.
Required foodstuffs include:
-- Microwave meals
-- Tins of baked beans
-- Ice cream
-- Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.
22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms chips, crisps and
blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9 GBP5 will pay for a packet of B&H and
a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.
**Breaking news**
Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alcopop -
'where are you bleeding from?' they asked - "ROMFORD mate" said the girl,
"woss that got to do wiv it?"
A major Hurricane (Shazza) hit in the early hours of Monday. Epicentre:
Basildon, Essex. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering
"f@#$%ckin ell" ...
The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately GBP30 worth of
damage.
Several priceless collections of mementos from the Balearics and Spanish
Costas were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars
were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived.
Essex FM (County Radio Station) reported that hundreds of residents were
confused and bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact that
something interesting had happened in Basildon.
One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said "Jesus!
It was a well big shock, d'ya know what I mean? me lil Chardonnay-Mercedes
come runnin into me bedroom cryin. Me youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and
Megan-Storm slept froo it all, d'ya know what I mean? I was still shakin
when I was watchin Trisha the next morning. Ya know what I mean don't ya?"
Apparently though, looting, muggings and car crime did carry on as normal.
The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny
Delight to the area to help the stricken locals.
Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large
quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from
Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.
HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those
unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most
sought after - items most needed include:
-- Louis Vuitton or Burberry baseball caps
-- Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
-- Shell suits (female)
-- White sport socks
-- Rockport boots
-- Any other items usually sold in Primark.
Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.
Required foodstuffs include:
-- Microwave meals
-- Tins of baked beans
-- Ice cream
-- Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.
22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms chips, crisps and
blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9 GBP5 will pay for a packet of B&H and
a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.
**Breaking news**
Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alcopop -
'where are you bleeding from?' they asked - "ROMFORD mate" said the girl,
"woss that got to do wiv it?"
Oct 22nd 2005, 12:27 am
#5
Banned
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 400
Re: I stole this
Had this one sent to us by a friend in the UK a few days ago. It's been doing the rounds on the internet. You can't help but laugh though, especially the ending of it.
Here is one for you, if you liked this sort of thing
What do you call a Chav in a box?
Innit.
What do you call a Chav in a filing cabinet?
Sorted.
What do you call a Chav in a box with a lock on it?
Safe.
What do you call an Eskimo Chav?
Innuinnit.
Why are Chavs like slinkies?
They have no real use but it's great to watch one fall down a flight of stairs.
What do you call a Chavette in a white tracksuit?
The bride.
If you see a Chav on a bike, why should you try not to hit him?
It might be your bike.
What's the difference between a Chav and a coconut?
One's thick and hairy, the other's a coconut.
What's the first question at a Chav quiz night?
What you lookin' at?"
How do you get 100 Chavs into a phone box?
Paint three stripes on it.
2 Chavs in a car without any music. Who's driving?
The police.
Where do you take a Chavette for a decent night out?
Up the arse.
:scared:
Here is one for you, if you liked this sort of thing
What do you call a Chav in a box?
Innit.
What do you call a Chav in a filing cabinet?
Sorted.
What do you call a Chav in a box with a lock on it?
Safe.
What do you call an Eskimo Chav?
Innuinnit.
Why are Chavs like slinkies?
They have no real use but it's great to watch one fall down a flight of stairs.
What do you call a Chavette in a white tracksuit?
The bride.
If you see a Chav on a bike, why should you try not to hit him?
It might be your bike.
What's the difference between a Chav and a coconut?
One's thick and hairy, the other's a coconut.
What's the first question at a Chav quiz night?
What you lookin' at?"
How do you get 100 Chavs into a phone box?
Paint three stripes on it.
2 Chavs in a car without any music. Who's driving?
The police.
Where do you take a Chavette for a decent night out?
Up the arse.
:scared:
Oct 22nd 2005, 1:12 am
#6
Lost in BE Cyberspace
Joined: Apr 2004
Location: Markham ON Canada
Posts: 5,430
Re: I stole this
Got them all but this one ??
How do you get 100 Chavs into a phone box?
Paint three stripes on it.
:scared:
Originally Posted by finallygotout
How do you get 100 Chavs into a phone box?
Paint three stripes on it.
:scared:
Oct 22nd 2005, 12:43 pm
#7
BE Enthusiast
Joined: Feb 2005
Location: Toronto. ON
Posts: 919
Re: I stole this
Hi,
Still cleaning up the mess I made after reading those. Got any more??
Still cleaning up the mess I made after reading those. Got any more??
Originally Posted by finallygotout
Had this one sent to us by a friend in the UK a few days ago. It's been doing the rounds on the internet. You can't help but laugh though, especially the ending of it.
Here is one for you, if you liked this sort of thing
What do you call a Chav in a box?
Innit.
What do you call a Chav in a filing cabinet?
Sorted.
What do you call a Chav in a box with a lock on it?
Safe.
What do you call an Eskimo Chav?
Innuinnit.
Why are Chavs like slinkies?
They have no real use but it's great to watch one fall down a flight of stairs.
What do you call a Chavette in a white tracksuit?
The bride.
If you see a Chav on a bike, why should you try not to hit him?
It might be your bike.
What's the difference between a Chav and a coconut?
One's thick and hairy, the other's a coconut.
What's the first question at a Chav quiz night?
What you lookin' at?"
How do you get 100 Chavs into a phone box?
Paint three stripes on it.
2 Chavs in a car without any music. Who's driving?
The police.
Where do you take a Chavette for a decent night out?
Up the arse.
:scared:
Here is one for you, if you liked this sort of thing
What do you call a Chav in a box?
Innit.
What do you call a Chav in a filing cabinet?
Sorted.
What do you call a Chav in a box with a lock on it?
Safe.
What do you call an Eskimo Chav?
Innuinnit.
Why are Chavs like slinkies?
They have no real use but it's great to watch one fall down a flight of stairs.
What do you call a Chavette in a white tracksuit?
The bride.
If you see a Chav on a bike, why should you try not to hit him?
It might be your bike.
What's the difference between a Chav and a coconut?
One's thick and hairy, the other's a coconut.
What's the first question at a Chav quiz night?
What you lookin' at?"
How do you get 100 Chavs into a phone box?
Paint three stripes on it.
2 Chavs in a car without any music. Who's driving?
The police.
Where do you take a Chavette for a decent night out?
Up the arse.
:scared:
Oct 22nd 2005, 2:23 pm
#9
BE Enthusiast
Joined: Jan 2004
Location: JAFAland, NZ
Posts: 747
Re: I stole this
The last one made laugh so much. It is now doing the rounds of ICU in Manchester!! Thank God the patients are not awake!
Oct 22nd 2005, 3:06 pm
#10
Banned
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 400
Re: I stole this
Originally Posted by SAW 04
Hi,
Still cleaning up the mess I made after reading those. Got any more??
Still cleaning up the mess I made after reading those. Got any more??
I don't even want to ask what kind of mess you made :scared:
Oct 22nd 2005, 3:19 pm
#11
Banned
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 400
Re: I stole this
A friend back in the west country UK, sent me this joke:
What's the difference between a hedgehog and a Nova full of chavs?
With the hedgehog, the pricks are on the outside.
There is even a campaign to help stop chavism, check the clicky below
http://www.cecimoz.co.uk/flashpanel/Chavism.swf
What's the difference between a hedgehog and a Nova full of chavs?
With the hedgehog, the pricks are on the outside.
There is even a campaign to help stop chavism, check the clicky below
http://www.cecimoz.co.uk/flashpanel/Chavism.swf
