Hey all

We went down to Calgary this weekend to meet my Mum and Dad, who flew in from Manchester to see us. I haven't seen them since we left almost exactly 12 months ago............................and it was Sooooooo emotional.

Seeing them again I just burst into tears, the emotion, the guilt, the happiness at seeing them, the guilt again, seeing my 5 yr old hugging his Nana and not wanting to let go....................OMG i was all over the place and wanted nothing more than to go home and be there for them. (I'm welling up again now just writing this).

What I'm asking for is,...... can anyone reassure me about how I cope with saying the goodbyes all over again when they eventually go home. Seeing them again was ten times more emotional than saying bye 12 months ago. I think I maybe blanked it all out back then and was so busy focusing on everything we had to look forward to.
This time feels different and I just don't know how I'm going to do it again.
They are currently touring the Rockies before they come back to our house to stay with us.

Any words of advice kind people ???? How did others cope with this.?

You have my sympathy. There have been times when I have felt the way you’re feeling now. The deaths of my father and father-in-law were particularly low points.

I think our decision was simpler than yours. When we left South Africa in the 1970s, we felt it was a “no brainer.” Even now we’re really glad that our kids were born in Canada and raised mostly in Canada. They have Canadian citizenship and the accompanying right to live in Canada, which is a valuable commodity.

That said, our older son, who is in his mid twenties, has a university degree under his belt and is working, is saving up to visit Australia, where we spent 2.5 years on an expat assignment and where he still has friends. He has no foreseeable plans to visit South Africa, where he has two grandmothers and several aunts, uncles and cousins. Although he has seen those rellies from time to time, they have little meaning for him. I think he only just understands the meaning of the word “cousin.”

Our sons’ childhoods were so different from my own. I had a circle of aunts, uncles and cousins who meant a huge amount to me. I guess *I* know what my sons have missed. Luckily for them, I don’t think *they* understand what they’ve missed.

Since the UK is not 1970s-era South Africa, I imagine the decision to stay on in Canada is not as much of a “no brainer” for you as it was for us. In fact your decision is reversible, and you have the option of being one of the returnees who posts on the Moving back to the UK forum.

Something you might want to do is postpone a decision. How about setting a goal of staying on in Canada long enough to get citizenship? That would give you the option of returning to Canada if you ever wanted to do so, and it also would give your children the right to return to Canada as adults if they wanted to do so. Then, once you have Canadian citizenship in hand, you could re-assess your situation. In the interim, if you took the attitude that you were waiting for Canadian citizenship, you might not feel as if you were exiled from the UK forever and ever. I think if I was in your shoes that’s what I might do.

Hope that helps.

Hi Judy

I think the fact that I miss them, hit me like a ton of bricks when I saw them................and only then,....if that makes sense. We are happy here, and the selfish part of me wants to continue our happy life here, but then I think about my folks, getting older, my Mum has had health issues over the last 12 months too, and maybe be emotion of seeing her particularly got to me.
I guess its a form of homesickness.......................for the people , not the place.

Its weird as they've only just got here, but I can't stop worrying about how I'm going to feel when its time for them to go.

That's the reason MIL gives for not wanting to come visit us. She says she just couldn't bear to say goodbye and break her heart all over again.

I am getting wobbly just thinking about my parents' visit this September. I am longing to see them, now I know they are definitley coming, but I know I shall feel just as emotional as you do with yours, and that is something I am NOT looking forward to.

One of my work colleagues said I should take the whole 2 weeks off work and spend time with them, as I might never see them again! gulp.

Oh, you two have just confirmed all my fears......

I have such mixed feelings about my visit in June, one part of me is so excited to see mum & dad, their new home in a wonderful warm climate (Tenerife) knowing that they are so close to my brother & sister.

Then the other part of me is scared to death of saying goodbye all over again... they are 91 & 80 and I am so frightened it could be my last time with one or both of them. I am jealous that I won't be with them, I had always took it for granted that I would be with them, if something happened to one then the other would live with me, there was never any question in my mind.
Just writing this has me with tears streaming down my face.

We love it here too, and my day to day life is great, I have no regrets at all..... it's just so hard why must there always be a payoff!!!

Great life in canada = no family, it's very hard,

Try not to let this spoil you time with them though, you need to enjoy it while you can, that's what i have promised myself, I think you have to.

Linda

The limited access to relatives is, to me, a great advantage of being in Canada. My parents visit about every year and when they do it's for a month. After a month of dealing with my father's car accidents and my mother's prejudices against anyone and everyone I pity my brother who lives near them. Wait and see, by the end of the visit you may be just as glad to see them go. If not, do like people from India; make them an apartment in the basement and let them come and go at will.

Meeting, and saying goodbye to family will always be emotional....But in the end they are only an 8 hour plane ride away...try going back a few more times to see them, it may make things better...But I've a feeling it'll make things worse.

R2D2, I totally feel for you. It isn't easy but it does get better. I moved from The Netherlands to Australia 15 years ago (to marry my Aussie penfriend ). The first 18 months were very emotional for me. My husband always reassured me with saying that if I ever wanted to move back, we would. Knowing that there was always this possibility helped me. My parents have visited us three times in 15 years - and we have been over twice. I saw my parents last 6 years ago - when I visited them with my two eldest boys and while I was pregnant with no 3. No 3 is now a fantastic little 5 1/2 year old - but my parents have never been able to put their arms around him.

The hardest I find of living in another country away from my parents is knowing what my kids miss out on. However, I do believe that I rather have my kids growing up in Australia and Canada than in The Netherlands - even though this means not having family support. Most of us move to give our kids a better life and a great experience, and I think this is important to remember when times get tough.

Recently we have started using Skype with my parents - and it is great now we both have webcams! I would recommend this to anyone who has friends/family they like to keep in contact with.

The advice I would give while your parents are visiting - enjoy it!!! I think it is very important that your parents feel that you are happy in your new surroundings- and it is only natural that you miss them. The goodbyes are never easy, but your parents will leave reassured knowing where and how you life in your new country. This also makes communicating easier - they know what you mean when you talk about the park, shops, schools etc.

Again - try to enjoy your time with your parents as much as you can and don't worry about the goodbyes as yet until you are at the airport!

Harmina

(AOR July2005 Sydney/hope to be in Canada July 2007)

For us this is not an option due to their age!!! I wish it was, they visited us in the summer and loved it here, if they were younger I truly believe they would have followed us here instead of moving to Tenerife.

Linda

Awwww Linda

We're all in the same boat aren't we. At the moment I am trying to focus on the fact they are having a great holiday here together in the Mountains, then coming to us to spend some quality time with us and the boys.
I have loads of stuff planned to do with them and you are right.............I totally have to make the most of the few weeks they are with us.

They have spoken about maybe coming out again for Christmas. I really hope they do as that will give me something to focus on............instead of being the unknown "when will we see each other again".

You can't prepare yourself for this can you, no matter how hard you try !

I've been thinking of this all afternoon since I first saw you post it, trying to word it from my perspective.........

My parents came out to see us when we lived in Ontario and by that time we'd lived in Canada for.....pretty much the same time as yourself. That too was a very emotional reunion, seeing them cry at the sight of their grandkids and at how they'd grown and changed in that year. It wasn't until when we pulled up in front of our house, and seeing the look of sheer amazement and pride in their faces that THIS was where we lived....and how far we'd come. My parents both said that although they had missed us terribly in the time since we left, they were so proud of our new standard of living and they were 100% behind us living in our new country - "don't come back" they said, "there's nothing for you or the kids to come back to". So I felt very much at ease having them over and glad that I'd done them proud. We took them here, there and everywhere during their 2 weeks and it was great, but I wasn't as sad as I thought at the airport seeing them off. I was sad, of course 'cos they're my mum and dad, but throughout their stay, they'd done nothing but nit-pick and moan about the littlest of things

I grew up quite emotionally independent (did the nannying thing in the USA at the age of 19) so I managed to get by after the "see ya" bit at the airport. I think it all depends on how deep your love and bonding is with your parents that decides on how you deal with the emotions of goodbyes and homesickness. In all honesty, and I feel I have to explain why I may seem a little "cold" about it, but after spending 8 months living with my parents last year and the grief I got (especially from my mum), I'm happy with my life here, and feel I'm at a comfortable distance, but can be home in 8 hrs should I need to be there.

On a final note R2D2, just love and cherish every second you spend with them. Would love to hear in 2 weeks time how you dealt with it all in the end.
Regards,
Jaycee

Thanks for that Harmina

Like you said, at the moment they have no first hand knowledge of our life here, our home, the town we live in....................and just how contented we are here. So I'm hoping once they see it all they will maybe appreciate why we have done this.

We do feel incredibly selfish at times. Especially when I saw my son with his Nana, and the bond between them was as strong as ever. That really set me off. Then seeing my 2 yr old, who had no recollection of them at all. I'm struggling so much with all these mixed up emotions.
Your kind words have helped though, so thankyou.x

Thanks Jaycee,
That bit made me cry.................again.
On a lighter note, maybe I'll feel like dbd33 and glad to see the back of them..................but I don't think so somehow.

Dad's just phoned and told me all about their day in Banff, having a ball.!

This thread has really hit the spot.......I can't remember a thread getting me so emotional. (sorry no little face for blubbing)

When I leave my parents it will be waving goodbye knowing that my brother and sister will be with them and not me. I know thats sound like I am being a baby, but my parents retired to Wales when I was 10 taken me with them, leaving behind my married brother and soon to be married sister.
I have always been involved in their daily life.
I do ring them a lot, and it might be better when my sister gets the web cam going and I can see them. I love all my family and seeing them all together on my brothers bar's web cam was heart breaking and made me feel so left out.

It's strange because I don't consider myself homesick, or at least I didn't.

R2D2, if you fancy a chat, we could meet up. PM me!!!

I feel a glass of wine coming on.

Linda

Why don't you buy a couple of webcams. If they don't have a computer, they can buy one. Then you don't need to say goodbye. You can chat to them on MSN or whatever all the time. When you can actually see the person, it's a lot more like being there.

You keep one of the webcams and give the other one to them as a parting gift. Then perhaps instead of getting unhappy because they are leaving, you could be all excited to see them again on the computer in a day or so.

It really is fun. I talked to some friends in Venezuela not too long ago using Skype. They are actually friends from Regina who sold up and bought a boat and have lived in the Caribbean for the past nine years!