izzi81

wow Iain that's really good...

snowhugs

My sister went completly mad , still refuses to discuss anything with me ... we used to share everything and now , this massive event in my life I can't share!!!
It does hurt and I do get cold feet... especially when they hit you with th emotional blackmail, but then I think ahead and think what I would feel like if I did not go , and then it all falls into place ... its your life , one shot ...live it
Easy to say , harder to do I know as I@m going through it too.

iaink

Just because they are having a hard time adjusting to the idea, dont give up on them. You may have to make an extra effort, but keep taking to them. They may seem to have changed, but you dont have to as well.

Things are certainly not going to improve if neither side is making the effort to keep communicating.

izzi81

this is very like my relationship with my mum.. we have always got on very well, I've been able to discuss anything with her, and now I have this huge thing and she doesn't want to talk about it / accept it...

Iain - my sister has the same view as you, that I need to keep trying. I think I just need to work out the best way to communicate with her, because face to face doesn't seem to work at the moment! I did joke with my sister that she could always mediate any discussion

Oink

WALOB.

Lvh76

I also think that parents can sometimes be a teensy bit envious of the lives that their kids lead. My mum admitted this to me; that everything's really exciting for me at the moment and times like this make her realise that she' pretty much had all her fun. Just keep telling yourself that you have one life (unless you're a Buddhist or Hindi ) and you need to live it.

Ps your mum is hardly being fair and reasonable if she's joy even willing to give Skype a go xx

snowhugs

Remember... it's tactics, she may not even realise this but its her last attempt at stopping you going , its desperation and this makes her mean.

The way I have dealt with my sister is to remain really calm , don't rise to the challenge , be firm and strong even if it comes across as if you don't care , if they sense uncertainty they will never stop. As soon as you are 100% committed in your own mind they will accept it too.

Close family can smell fear... deep down you are scared of this big adventure No ?? (totally normal) this is what they sense ... once they see you as strong and determined , they will find it easier to accept.

Finally don't fight baack , if you do decide to go you will have left fighting... if you remain calm and loving no matter what they throw at you , you have nothing to regret!
Hope that helps ...

Siouxie

This thread makes me realise what a super Dad I had, there I was 25 years old and I went to live in Hong Kong (for the next 9 years) with my then teacher husband.. and not a word except for encouragement did I ever hear from him. There were no computers, no internet, no skype - we communicated by snail mail which would take 2-3 weeks to arrive (provided it was sent airmail - a 6 week turnaround in total) and I would get to fly back to see him every 2-3 years for a week at the most. Telephone calls were limited to twice a year - his birthday and Christmas. He didn't meet our son until he was 2 and then only for a few days, the next time he saw him he was 5, but he never missed a birthday.

My sister emigrated to S.Africa and it was the same with her, letters were the only communication other than at Christmas and he would send all 5 grandchildren birthday cards without fail. He didn't see my sister for 13 years, didn't meet 2 of his grandchildren until they were 10-11 years old, but never a word of reproach. He really was an awesome Dad.

I think my response to the OP's mother would be something along the lines of "Do you want the best for me, do you want me to be happy? Then be happy for me or at least supportive, because this is what I want to do.. "

For a Mum, I think it's a bit like when your child leaves home for the first time but 10 fold!

I would also remind her that she will get to spend quality time with you when she visits (or you do) rather than the odd afternoon here and there, distracted by whatever else is going on.

Most of all, be strong.. stick to your guns and if she won't be happy for you or accepting then you just have to do it regardless and let her get over it in her own time.

deltadeliquent

This is no help, I know...
But having a child move across the ocean these days is NOTHING like losing a child. I know, there is nothing to compare in all the world.

Heather 123

Hi izzy
I feel sorry for you and for you're mum too. I can understand why you wouldn't want to stay in the UK and I can also understand how you're mum feels too, being a mother myself. I found it very difficult when we first moved to Canada 7 years ago. my daughter Sara who was 20 at the time was just starting university as we left. I knew she would eventually join us but it was still very difficult having to leave her. Mothering instincts are not something you can just turn off but you're mum needs to realize that you moving away doesn't mean she's never going to see you again. Does you're mum have a computer? If so, what about setting up a skype account for her. This is how I used to communicate with my daughter. I got to see her everyday and I didn't feel like we were apart at all. It definitely helped me. If you haven't already, try and sit down with you're mum and tell her how much you love her and that you're not leaving because you don't love her, because she's probably thinking....if she loved me she wouldn't be leaving....you're still her child, that wil never change, she probably just needs a while to get used to the idea. Don't let her stop you from coming to Canada though, it's a wonderful , wonderful place. Hope I helped in some way

engineer80

I have no idea what to say, except I would probably be just as distraught as you if my mum had been the same. I was just thinking about you today too, and wondering how you were getting on with your move. If you need to chat just PM me on FB. Just keep reminding yourself though that you need to do what is best for you. Easier said than done I know, big hugs x

lmartin999

I am the only child of an 82 year old widowed mother. I wish she had laid a guilt trip on me.Then I would still be in a pub in Norwich

huddersfieldlass

Hi Izzi - I know exactly how you feel! My mum was very negative about our family moving to Calgary back in 2008. Everybody else in the family (sister, friends were all positive). I am very close to my mum and found this to be and still finding it the hardest thing to deal with. My Mum has visited us once so far and we are due to go back to the UK for a visit this year. Her main reason for not wanting us to go was the grandchildren and for 2 out of 3 of them to grow up 'not knowing their Nan'. I have got to say this has probably been seen to have been true. My eldest son already had and still has a son/nan great relationship. They know each other well. However my youngest two were only small when we emigrated and consequently Nanny is a figure on skype who they can't be bothered to talk to (most of the time) and who visited once. This hurts my mum tremendously and she blames me for this. Consequently this gives me a huge guilt trip!

A thing to bear in mind is it's not all rosy moving so far from home and family. I think if you read the forums the two things that impact upon emigrants lifes post emigrating are missing family and financial implications. By this I mean skype is great but due to 9 hours time difference and less than good IT skills of the older generation its not always viable. And money - where can I start despite our best intentions and rigourous home work our financial situation is a lot poorer than we anticipated. Canada is not a cheap place to bring up a family. Two weeks annual leave entitilement for the most in Alberta is difficult to deal with and getting the work/family life balance is weighed on the work side mostly.

However Canada is a beautiful place and our children are Canadian now with accents to match. This is their home and we make the best of it. We are hoping things improve for us in the next ten years and trying to see the bigger picture.

Good luck!

Piff Poff

I just want to add to this bit, you don't always feels as though you want to go back to the UK during your holiday time either, sometimes you WANT a HOLIDAY away from it all, holidays are expensive, no fortnight in Rhodes for 299.00 pounds including hire car

As for the OP, my friend here is having the same problem with her Mum, she is moving to the UK to be with her fiance - it's easier for her to move there and work than for him to move here and work - he tried that and couldn't get a WP. She has sat down with her mum, told her how much she loves her but right now this is something she feels she has to do, she is leaving her son (18) behind too.

Mums have to remember their jobs are to bring their offspring up to be strong independent individuals that can survive in the world without relying on Mum to do things for them, Mum's unfortunately don't last forever and neither does childhood, she should be proud that she has a child that is willing to try new things and not just talk about it.

My daughter is 17 and she is already talking about living in a different country, I'll be sad to see her go but living in Canada, she could well end up living at the other end of it to me anyway, she'll have to move to where Uni/jobs are anyway.

MillieF

Well said that woman