I know it's been some considerable time since I opened the thread on March 5th 2010 at 4am ...Couldn't sleep .. a normally happy expat

and my life has been forever changed in the process. My Father died on the morning of Friday December 2nd 2011 and I was with him at the end. He wanted to prove them(the doctors) wrong when he was told he had 6 .. possible 12 months to live and he did. My unbelievably strong Dad fought for 24 months. That was great for him, but so incredibly painful for those who loved him. During the last 12 months he was sent home from the hospice TWICE !! then he fell, broke his hip and went through full hip replacement surgery just 8 weeks before his death. I still don't know where his strength came from. And through all this time I travelled back and forth from Canada to the Uk. That long lonely trip never got any easier except for the fact that out of the 104 weeks that Dad was dying, I arrived home the last time, just four days before his death. Something deep inside prompted me to go and I know now that my presence during those last four days allowed my Dad to finally let go.

The reason I decided to update this thread after such a long time is to encourage anyone with loved ones overseas to make ever effort to spend as much time with them as possible, especially if they are terminally ill. After I originally opened this thread and encourage by the kind and supportive words from the forum, I spent 5 months in the UK in 2010 and after that I travelled back and forth so many times I lost count. I'm neither wealthy or privileged, I just made up my mind that I had to find a way to do this... not for my dad but for me. Today I have no employment and no income... I've used up a lot of my savings and I'm presently a kept woman .. (bless my husbands heart .. he has been such a support) but I've never been so content. The pain of separation during those 24 months was more pain than I could bear and it was only eased by being with my Dad. I am so grateful to my own family here in Canada who encouraged me to follow my heart. So all those years of doing everything for them finally paid off.... LOL.. They gave every bit of it back by supporting my absence from them for so many months. I know just how much more painful this would be now if I hadn't sacrificed so much time away from my home and family here in Canada. If this post encourages or supports anyone who finds themselves in a similar position then it's done it's job.

If I can help or support anyone going through something similar, please let me know

So sorry for your loss. Sometims flying back to be with a loved one isn't as simple as picking up and going though, I wish to god it was.

Last year we moved house, the sunday before moving date I got the phone call, come, Mums only got hours to live. I couldn't go, my husband was depressed (severely) I had a house to pack a move to organise and lawyers to see, all the while my Mum was in pain, my sister bless her soul was there for every second and phoning with updates, by the wednesday Mum was still hanging on and I had to on speaker phone tell her I couldn't come, she was too weak to even hold a phone. I cant tell anyone how painful that week was, she passed the friday morning of our moving day. Just over a year on and the pain of that week is just as fresh today. I let my sister down and I let my mum down as my husband was not able to deal with life, I couldn't let him down too. I dont know if I will ever get past the feelings of that week but it is something I dont dwell on.

So its all very well saying fly back as often as possible to that terminally ill relative, be there during their dying days so they know you love them yada yada, sometimes it just is not possible or feasible, y ou have to have support, you were lucky you had support and money to afford it, not everyone does and it just puts more pressure on those that dont. Incidently my mum was dying for 7 years, yep 7, she survived a surgery only 8 percent of people survive, she, then lived more than 5 years after that surgery, only 2 percent of the 8 percent of survivors make it 2 years, she proved them wrong but couldn't hold on any longer.

Oh my ... I am so sorry if my post made you think that it was easy for me... and that I flippantly said 'oh go fly home as often as you can' because I didn't.

it wasn't easy for me.. I don't have lots of money and I never meant my comments to be disrespectful to anyone who finds themselves in such a difficult situation as you were in.

I'm very very sorry that you had to go through that terrible time, be so far away and absolutely unable to go to your love ones side. That was exactly the point of my post. One never knows when we'll be faced with a death and so make the most of the time we do have.

I sincerely appreciate how lucky I was to have the opportunities I did and I by no means meant to offend anyone with my comments. I apologize, as you seem to have been very annoyed by them.

I'm very sorry for your loss too.

I didnt think you were being flippant, it just made me feel that I hadnt done my best, and I really did, I called home at least once a week, mum didnt really like people seeing her as she didnt like the way she looked anymore, so skyping was out., Her #1 bucket list was to visit us here and by god she did it. We gave her, her last family Christmas too. I could have flown home more often but she didnt want that. My husband was in a terrible way for several years so it made leaving home even harder and two weeks of vacation dont go far I unfortunately read your post just seconds after my step dad posted a picture of him and his new girlfriend, to say im raw is an understatement.

A lot of us have learnt from other posters losing family and loved ones to make the most of things. Which is one reason we all put up with family on their visits here and why we all spend a fortune going back when we would really rather be on a beach supping cocktails.

After my mother died, my Dad lived alone for almost fifteen years in Scotland. My brother lived about twenty miles away but they didn't get along very well. I wrote to Dad every week and phoned him every couple of weeks. All my vacation time from my job was spent going to visit him either at Christmas or during the summer. When he died of C. difficile three days before Christmas a few years ago, I found that he had kept every one of my letters and read them many times. It wasn't that I had any very interesting news or anything important to say every week - it was just knowing that I was there and cared about him. Yes, many times it was a chore staying up late to write, trekking off to the Post Office in a blizzard at 40 degrees below zero, and the long flight to Scotland was never a pleasure but I am so glad I did all of it. Little things really do mean a lot, even a letter filled with nothing but trivia and a snapshot of the first flowers that have come out in your garden.
I miss my Dad terribly and I know you miss yours too. I understand how painful it is to suffer such a loss but you did everything you could for him and I hope you find some comfort in knowing that.

Dear Leith

Thank you for sharing this, it was very moving. It actually brought tears to my eyes the thought of you finding all those letters Your Dad obviously loved you very much. And you are so right, it's the little things that help ease the sadness.

My father-in-law died very suddenly 15 years ago. We had spoken with him on the phone on a Friday evening and on the Saturday morning we got a call, he was dead. The suddenness left us in a terrible state of shock. Not least that he was supposed to have been out to visit us two weeks later. The hurried trip home for one week to bury him was especially painful. My poor husband had no opportunity to spend any time with his Dad at all, to say goodbye or even just hug him. Of course there is nothing that anyone can do to change it... it's the hand you're dealt. But I think it was as a direct result of what he missed and regretted about his fathers death that prompted my husband to encourage and support me spending as much time as I could with my Dad when he became ill.

The five months I actually lived with my parents again is more precious than I can put into words. Dad and I would sit in his conservatory .. those lovely summer evenings in south west England when it's soft, warm and light until almost 11 pm .. sipping white wine and talking. We spoke of things we'd talked of often and spoke about things we never talked about before. He told me what he wanted to happen at his funeral and I made a promise to him that I would do everything he asked of me to the letter. This time was painful, sometimes funny but without doubt priceless especially when he apologized for almost drowning me in the surf in Porlock when I was 12 years old.

None of this changes the fact that you end up bereaved, but when all that part of it heals you do have some wonderfully warm memories to make you smile and reminisce.

Incidently, did you re-read your letters to your Dad, or maybe you kept them.. How precious it must have been when you found them. Thank you again for taking the time to pass on your own memories.

I don't know if it's easier to deal with sudden loss or a prolonged 'is today the day I get the phone call'. OH's Mum was killed in a car crash in 2008, 6 months later we got a call saying his Dad had been taken in to Hospital for tests, that afternoon he died. OH didn't deal with his grief, hence the very serious depression a couple of years on.

Hugs to anyone losing people xx

I'm not sure... my husband and I discussed it ... and at the time my Dad got sick we thought that the 'sudden death' scenario was the harder having been through that already with my father-in-law. No time to say goodbye or even hug.. it seems really final and it is a very sudden and intense pain.

So with my Dad's situation we thought ... look at the time you now have to say goodbye and share... and while that is true and precious it was also very ... very painful. When I was not in the UK I phoned my Mum every single morning before I left for work for an update... morning being the best time for Mum because of the time difference.... I cried every day..... Depending on how Dad was doing it made a big impact on how I would feel for the rest of the day.... and I cried every day... Mostly it was not good.... and I cried every day...
The two years that I struggled to manage work, travel back and forth to the UK, support my Mum and Dad and be there for my own family while being 3500 kms apart from each other took it's toll.

So having been through both scenarios ... It is my and my husbands opinion that pain is pain.. what you are dealt is what you have to deal with. Whatever the scenario your pain is undoubtedly harder than what you imagined. I realize now that I began grieving at the point Dad got sick and that was well over two years, then Dad died and I grieved again. So while the grief was shorter at the point he died it was so painful for such a long time before that.

I'm so sorry that your OH has suffered with the difficulty of dealing with the death of his parents .... especially in sudden circumstances. And I'm sure there is nothing that I can say that would make him feel better about his loss. It's something he has to deal with. My heart goes out to him.... be strong... both of you