as you may know, I am finding it very difficult to cope with my daughter moving away. I know I am depressed, angry and resentful and I do try not to be but, when she tells me she will fon on a particular day, when she says she will send a foto of the kids and doesn't, when she has a day off work and doesn't want to fon me, when she knows how I feel and doesn't try to help -- I feel the gap widening. What can I do to close it? I guess because I retired a few months ago doesn't help as I have more time to brood but I am intending to do some charity work. My husband and I do go out for meals etc but you know what? I feel I am just passing the time - I feel part of me is missing. I just wish looking back, I had not put all my energy into my family and had a life of my own. I did help to look after my grand children while she went to work so I suppose I feel like I was 'used' although I never felt like that at the time.
Because of the way I feel, I am frightened to talk to her now on the fon in case I get angry and say things I may regret, or that I get so upset I start crying.
Sorry to moan so much but I just wish I wasn't me! I know the answer in theory but it is so hard to put it into practice.

You are, of course, alienating yourself from your daughter and her family by your attitude/feelings. Almost everyone on this site understands your feelings as they've all had similar, from both sides of the Atlantic. You have indicated on another thread this morning that your "Canadian" family are well settled and doing well. You really must get your mind around this and be happy for them, especially when talking to them. They will not want to talk to you on the 'phone or in person if you make them feel like sh** and always place them on a guilt trip. You mentioned elsewhere that your daughter can't/won't come home because of flying with her daughter's nut allergy. Did it dawn on you that perhaps she's using that as an excuse because she can't face spending time with you and be constantly berated for abandoning you? Give it some thought.
I also notice a post by you concerning traveling to Canada with your husband having health concerns. Get looking for travel insurance that covers him and get over here to see your family. I believe when you see how settled and happy they are your mind will be rested and you will look forward to other trips.

You're not dead yet - just get on with doing this now. Your daughter sounds a bit selfish to be honest; taking her kids away from their grandparents with no plans to visit and making up excuses about it.

Hi there. Just a thought... You mention your daughter doesn't phone when she says she will or send photos when she says she will etc, despite knowing how you feel. To me, this doesn't seem to have anything to do with the fact you are both living in different countries. I'm here in Canada and my mum is in the UK and we have a good relationship; speak frequently on the phone sending photos etc. I wonder if things would have been any different had your daughter remained in the UK? From how you describe her, it just sounds like she's not bothered and, with that attitude, would she have been any different had she not moved so far away?

I don't mean any offence but we're obviously only hearing one side of the story. A lot of parents and their children don't always have good close relationships, no matter how near or far they live. Is the physical distance between you an excuse for the emotional distance between you? I don't know either of you so couldn't say whether it is or not but it is maybe something to consider.

I really hope you can work things out with her. It's a shame when it gets to this. I hope your husband is able to work things so that he can travel. Perhaps actually visiting and spending some quality time with your family here may improve things.

Best of luck.

I have been thinking about this post since I saw it early this afternoon, and trying to work out how to reply. I'm worried I might ramble a bit, but I feel my situation is very relevant to yours.

You sound very like my mum. In fact, at first, I wondered if you *were* my mum, as you're from Scotland lol. But reading your other posts I know you're not
My partner and I have yet to emigrate, but we're in the process of applying. My mum really doesn't like the idea. She gets vey upset just thinking about my going away, and is having trouble dealing with it. When I read your comments like
and
it is like reading what my mum might write. Not all the time - sometimes she deals with it better than other times, but to be honest I think she probably thinks like you. And it scares me, because i thought there was a good chance she would change, but now I wonder if 3 years down the line she will still be thinking like this.

My mum and I get on very well. I would say we were friends as well as mother and daughter. I fully intend to keep in touch - in fact I expect to communicate with family more when I am away than when I am here!

The only thing that would make me stop communicating with her, is if she keeps acting the way you seem to be. I'm afraid AuldYin may be right.. you are pushing her away by being negative. If I was struggling to set up a new life, and Canada was how I hope it would be, I would have problems after a while talking to my mum if everything I got was negative. I would phone less, I would make excuses. I would hate that I was doing it, but I would have to do it for my own mental health. For that reason I'm not sure this opinion is right:
I'm going to assume you got on well with your daughter and her family before they went away. I am sure she did not emigrate to get away from you... in fact she probably found it very hard, but didn't let on to you how hard because you were already upset about it. You must have brought her up well; she was confident enough to feel she can do something as huge as emigrate. And she must have had reasons... better job, more countryside, better for her children, whatever it was. And if it is working, then she found what she was looking for. I'm sure you want the best for your children. I'm sure deep down you want them to succeed and enjoy their lives, make the most of it, and be happy. It seems that being in Canada makes her happy. I doubt being far from you makes her happy, but you might be pushing her away if all you talk about is how she moved away and how sad you are.

Have you visited? I read your post about your husband's health problems.. they don't sound insurmountable, just might mean expensive insurance. Check with a doctor. If it's OK, you should go visit. I don't expect my mum to understand why we want to go until we are settled and she comes to see where we live. Then I hope she'll see the quality of life we have, and how happy we are, and she'll see it's worth it. (This is assuming the emigration plans go as they should, it's early days!) If it's been 3 years you need to go and visit, so you can see first hand where they are, and what it's like. It might make you realise why they did it.

Don't dwell on the past, and the negatives. Find the positives. They are happy. It is possible to visit them, and speak to them. They seem to have found the better life they were looking for. I'm sure they'd like to have you involved, in a positive way I know this is how I feel about my mum! It is easy to get too focussed on the negatives and let them swallow up everything, but you can't let them. There are a lot of bad things going on in the world... but your family are living a happy life. And I'm sure they'd love for you to be part of it

I fear I have indeed rambled. Apologies Hopefully there's something useful in amongst all that!

Great post, with excellent advice.

Also may I suggest that you do go out and do that charity work, it will make you feel so much better and needed (which I suspect is part of the problem)
You need to make a new life for yourself and your husband, appreciate what you have together. Do things that you can talk to your daughter about when you phone her, she will then be happy to talk to you and relate her news also.

Good luck, be kind to yourself.

thank you all for your comments which I will take on board. Sometimes it does help when people give you ' a kick up the backside' which is maybe what I am needing!
I notice not everyone agrees though, some people think I'm pushing her away and others think she is selfish. So therein lies the problem - we both are! I want her here - she wants over there and me being the mum and supposedly older and wiser, I will need to be less selfish as I only want her happiness in the long run.

I don't think it is easy, but as I said before, I can moan here and not moan to her. I don't do that anyway, most of the talk is quite general. I did visit last Oct with my other grandaughter and yes she does seem ok. I may go back again this year.
If I keep busy here I'm sure, or I pray, I will begin to feel better.
I feel for all the other parents who will have to go through these lost feelings, but that is the price we pay for loving our children

have you looked into gettin a web camera an get your daughter to get one then with skype you could see your grandkids an daughter whenever you speak to them, arrange with her a day an time to call or for her to call you. tell her how you feel, you can do that without having a row or write her a letter first telling her you miss her an the children like crazy an you know its for selfish reasons you didnt want her to go, she'll appreciate your honesty surely, then chances are she;ll tell you why she's being distant?

my son who still in the uk is 18 yrs an hes a bugger to get hold of to talk to! but hes 18 and in a band etc an says im always having a pop at him whenever i talk to him but im not i jus wanna know hes ok an for him to stay in touch more but he doesnt seem to get it, but not the same as havin grandchildren. i am gonna tell him we're making the move to canada an we want him to come with us dunno what hes gonna say, im gearing myself up for him saying no which will make me really depressed so im dreading that,

but i do hope your ok, there are as you found out people on here who will listen an let you sound off an give their points of view - all points of view which is good an what you need, if everyone sided with you then you'd feel even worse bout it all. but good luck x

Hiya,

My Mum was very supportive of our move, now almost 5 years on she has started to get very emotional bordering on tears towards the end of each phone call, it's really hard for me as I miss her just as much and we try to be strong for each other.

I always say to her I'll speak to you next week - never a day or time, sometimes I don't make it as things happen and I can't be home in time to call. I try to send photos/stuff - quite often it's a last minute Oh I should have posted these weeks ago.

Your daughter might be finding it hard to settle and each phone call home might be upsetting her. I know when I've felt down or had a problem I have avoided calling my Mum as she can tell something is wrong, I don't want her to worry. Sometimes when I've felt homesick, I haven't called, sometimes I'm just too tired or busy. With the time difference it does make it tricky we are 7 hours beind in Alberta, so to call my Mum I try to ring before 2:30pm, then I know she has had supper, and tidied up and not quite got ready for bed, I'm lucky I work part time and can quite often call during the week.

Try not to worry about becoming distant from your daughter, it's a period of adjustment that you have both got to get used to, it'll all be all right once you have have become accostomed to it all and have got a type of routine going.

The power of skype (or google chat or any other video chat programme) cannot be understimated. It has really helped my parents cope with their favourite son living the other side of the Atlantic. Now we have a kid, she is growing up speaking to her grandparents via the computer. It's really quite amazing to see how much she interacts with them at age 1!

Like someone else I also had a think about your post this morning when I saw it.
I don't have any miraculous solutions but don't forget you yourself have just gone through one of life's major changes by retiring. It is an event I do not feel is all that well acknowledged as a huge turning point, the twilight years, and regardless of whether you have had a full-on corporate career or been doing a low paid manual job it is a huge change and not surprising that you find yourself in this emotional situation. It is all about "taking stock", what to do now.
You are right on with the volunteering idea, my Dad recently retired and my mum jokes he is out more now than when he was working! It is part of our human nature to feel wanted and valued. Self-esteem is very important and I get the impression it is something you currently lack so get out there and be busy!

With regards to your daughter, if you really feel you cannot call her why not write a letter explaining how you feel. This is now going to sound contradictory but try not to get too emotional in your writing. She may not know how you feel, she might be shocked, she might know, not knowing either of you it is hard to make a call.

I hope you are able to resolve these issues amicably, just posting what you did here is a brave step, I am not sure I could admit even to virtual audiences that I don't know what you have done. Don't give up!
Helen

I would say you are grieving. Grieving for the way things were. There are different stages of the grieving process and you have dealt with the " you can't believe it has happened" and in fact since you have been posting on here in the last couple of weeks you have moved on to "anger". You have every right to be angry, your life has been turned upside down and you grieve what you have lost. But at some stage in the future, I couldn't say how long, you will come to accept the major change in your life and you will be able to enjoy life once again....

If you think about it, this could apply both to your daughter moving away or to your retirement. It's totally understandable that you have all these emotions coursing through you. Both events were out of your control!

But do think carefully about the family left behind. Are you taking it out on your husband or your other children? Unintentionally, or even unknowingly? It's amazing how much adult children can suffer from their parent focussing, negatively or positively, on another sibling and feeling neglected. And your husband probably feels that he is unable to protect you against these unhappy feelings...

As a daughter I have had to make probably the hardest decision perhaps in my life. I am 43 and my mother is 82. Her grandmother died at age 108 and she is threatening to life that long as well. So what do I do? If I wait for her to "finish" her life I will be 70! Too late for me to emigrate!
So sometimes daughters have to be selfish, self centered or is it just simply well balanced as they were brought up. They have to live their lives and not their mothers!!
So look at it from the point of view I started off with. Can you honestly say that you have taken the time to grieve the lost of your daughter's proximity or your job?

So good luck with everything and remember that like any grieving process, it gets easier!

We've been using Skype here this week as my partners step dad has died. It's like being in the same room as her mum and has really made the difference. You can start a call and carry on like you are in the same room, leaving it running for hours, without any charge. It can really make the difference when you miss someone and feel far apart.

I can totally relate to this post - I am a daughter in Ontario (not yours though I assure you!).

What you have to remember is that your daughter is doing what she thinks is best for her family. Bringing kids up in Ontario is a good place to be. She will not have made this decision lightly. We didn't (we have kids too) but I wanted to give them the opportunity of growing up here. We can always go back to the UK in the future.

My Mother in law always said to me that her kids were lent to her - on borrowed time- and that she would always love them (obviously) but they could do with their life what they chose. I am SO grateful for that as the parents in law are totally fine with where we are.

My family found it harder but all have come out and can see the upbringing the kids have and can understand our choices. But phone calls can be hard sometimes.

It may be hard for your daughter at times but when you call, she isn't going to say what a rubbish time she is having as that would be miserable, but we all have ups and downs, wherever we are. If you are cheerful and upbeat then conversations are much jollier. She's not going to want to ring if you are depressive (no offence).

I'm not sure I have really helped here but the most important thing I think is that your daughter thinks she is doing what is best for her family and you should support that and re-assure her that you understand. You put your kids first, and now she is doing the same.

Hope that helps somewhat

Very much so, have used it since my sis moved to BC 5 yrs ago.
Our Aged parent uses it (70's), as does our niece (4).

Personally she & I use it for things really little things like checking out the weather, who walked past, the shopping, hairstyles - all v little but real things.
I cannot imagine how my Grandma did by letter when her sister moved to the states in the 30's.
Even so, it does take work, but no more so than when we lived at opposite ends of the uk. Though the visits are only on average annual now rather than every few months.