Feeling guilty about son.
 

Hi all,


As the title says really..... My son after initially seeming to settle in, is really struggling at the moment. He's mentioned bullying type incidents, says he spends a lot of recess alone. He told me when he tell the teacher, her response was "what do you expect me to do about it?" He's crying about going to school and cried in school this week. He misses all his friends understandably and says this school is not as good as his old one.

For some background, he is in Grade 3 English Stream of the French Immersion school, which comes with it's only queries. But of only two schools open to us in the area, it was the one with by far the best results. The other school seemed to have nearly 50% special needs per class, and academic progression was awful/negative. We since heard that's it's a not good school and they have split years so it's hard to feel that there is another option open to him. A smaller class size inevitably means less choice of friends also.

Back home, he had lots of friends in his class, and two other best friends which he would spend lots of time with (they still both email him) , was part of a really great rugby team and was friends with so many children in his area because of rugby/cricket/scouts which would have fed into his local comprehensive. I've tried inviting children back, but none of the kids seem to mix like they did back home- maybe because of geographical area and buses- everyone lived in the same area back home. He loves football, but it's not big here so they don't play that at school. He is part of the local soccer team but it really isn't comparable to the rugby structure/sociable side back home.

I feel like we've actively made his life worse by coming here. He wants to go home to his friends, and it's hard to consider staying when you know your child is unhappy and you can see exactly why. We never moved because we thought it would be "better" for him- after all they are pretty comparable countries. We hoped that we could replicate his life.

But it is true that my husband is loving his job and is less stressed, and we can afford a better house, has more money (if that means anything at all).... Feeling confused and terribly guilty... :(

Re: Feeling guilty about son.
 

I don't have children but I was one once. How are they bullying him, what are they singling out about him to pick on? This might/will give a clue to his vulnerabilities. Of course it might be just because he is new and they like to pick on new. What do the teachers say?

Re: Feeling guilty about son.
 

It sounds quite physical. He said he got his foot stamped on this week and yesterday came home said he was held down with his head near mud and kept being pushed down. Conversely he says sometimes they're nice to him though.

Up til now, I haven't gone in, was just monitoring the situation, and he asked me not to- he said it wouldn't do any good anyway- when's he told his teacher he says she always dismisses him and doesn't do anything. Clearly I need to go in now.

Re: Feeling guilty about son.
 

With regards to his teacher, you may want to remind them that Ontario has anti-bullying legislation.
http://www.edu.gov.on.ca/eng/teachers/safeschools.html

Take a look at the school website (or school board website) and see what their stance is on dealing with bullying.. they are required to have one.

http://tldsb.ca/students/code-of-conduct/

Sorry to hear he is sad..

:fingerscrossed: it gets better soon.

:)

(did you check if there are any rugby clubs nearby? http://rugbyontario.com/en-us/aboutu...ugbyclubs.aspx)

Re: Feeling guilty about son.
 

Yes, it sounds like he is worried that saying something will make it worse. Teacher sounds a little odd, maybe she doesn't recognize British understatement.

Good luck. Hope things get sorted soon.

Re: Feeling guilty about son.
 

My heart sinks for you and how difficult this must be. I don't have a comment about bullying but about being in the English stream of a French Immersion School. Our children both attended our local dual track French Immersion Elementary School, both went through the french side and enjoyed it, loved their time there. However, over the years it became very clear to me that the "frenchies" and the "english" kids didn't mix, even kids in the same grade (of course there were exceptions, but I am talking overall and my experience with this school). The parents of the "frenchies" were almost totally in control of the school council etc., With the growing popularity of choosing french immersion the school was split approx 3/4 french vs. a 1/4 in english. So my point is, if your son's school has a larger proportion of kids in the french program he may well be in a school with lots of kids, but his chances of making friends, socializing etc., may be reduced in a way that may not have been immediately obvious to you as a parent choosing that particular school. I know over the years I thought that if my kids weren't in the french immersion program I would not have wanted them to go to this particulary school and be in the minority. Just some food for thought.

Oh and if my son had his way, he's 16 now, we would have made sure he did the "Canadian" sports, not just soccer, soccer, he jokes that we failed him in that area.

Re: Feeling guilty about son.
 

Thanks for responses.

Weird response teacher is a supply for last few weeks, he did say his other more stricter teacher wouldn't have let it go.

Siouxie- he doesn't want to do rugby but there are no local junior rugby teams here.

Minstrels...thank you. Constructive advice.... I completely understand what you're saying about that school, but the other school compares so poorly I feel caught between the devil and deep blue sea so to speak. Plus I don't know it would actually be better socially. The sports thing has crossed our mind. Tbh other than ice hockey (9 yr old is like bambi on ice) I'm not sure what else we'd go for....any suggestions?

Re: Feeling guilty about son.
 

Thats the problem with dragging your children half around the world and removing them from their family and friends because your life has become somewhat monotonous and stale. When people say "its for the kids", it rarely is, its usually in spite of the kids.

Re: Feeling guilty about son.
 

Our kids have been in duel track schools here in Ottawa and they are in the french immersion stream. Even now, few of their friends are in the english stream at the schools they are at.

There definitely was a sense that the french immersion kids parents felt that there little Tyler/MacKenzie/Mikaela/Meghan/Ethan's were better/smarter than the english stream kids. The french immersion kids parents were more involved in school activities and school council and fought tooth and nail if any school catchment area proposals came up.

This is in Ottawa, but I imagine it is fairly common across Canada.

Re: Feeling guilty about son.
 

Baseball http://www.bracebridgeminorball.com/?page_id=868
Lacrosse http://www.hawkslacrosse.ca/page/sho...45-minor-hawks
Basketball
Canadian football (not soccer)
Soccer http://www.bracebridgesoccer.net/

Hockey will help him make friends that will last for years - he will get better the more he skates.

:)

Re: Feeling guilty about son.
 

And if you'd like to read my previous posts Oink you big wind up merchant ;) they would clearly state that it wasn't for the kids, it was mainly because of husbands job, which in that regard has worked out. He's happier and more in control here. Me, I think I could make a life here if both husband and son were happier, but equally loved my home. Daughter too small to get a vote. I don't really feel like this is overwhelmingly better place for us to bring up kids. Maybe we chose the wrong spot. Should have made schools top of the list of priorities.

Re: Feeling guilty about son.
 

Yes, I think this is sadly true. The English stream is a small catchment and does cover some very impoverished areas. Plus we did hear that English stream in that type of school does catch the kids that can't keep up with French or maybe have potential behavioural issues. Honestly the second choice looks awful too though:(


Thanks Siouxie!!! I'm on it!

Re: Feeling guilty about son.
 

Are there no other schools in the area that he could attend? Perhaps by moving (in Bracebridge)?

http://eqaoweb.eqao.com/eqaoweborgpr...ublic%20School

This one looks like they have fewer 'special needs' students than other schools:
http://eqaoweb.eqao.com/eqaoweborgpr...nt=3813&Lang=E http://mac.tldsb.on.ca/

http://eqaoweb.eqao.com/eqaoweborgpr...nt=3816&Lang=E

:)

Re: Feeling guilty about son.
 

So sports priority #1, take skating lessons! Canadian kids (on the whole) can skate, we put ours in lessons in Grade 1 & 2 so that if they ever needed to be able to do it socially they could, they could join in etc., if necessary. Our son has mentioned on numerous times over the years that he wishes we had put him in hockey, we didn't because we are soccer loving English folk, on reflection we should have let him try it. There is a hierachy in sports and where I live the "hockey boys" rule, or at least that is what I am constantly told!

Other sports to pay attention to as they come up are basketball (that came up in Grade 5 for our son) and football (the american kind). I am not sure what age that starts, but our son in Grade 11 is going to give it a try as he has been told as a soccer player he may make a good kicker. It's his last chance to try "football" so we are going along with it. Clearly it would have been better to try this out sooner. Thinking now days is leaning towards kids trying out different sports rather than focusing on just one. Where we are rugby is a high school sport.

Back to the french vs. english thing, generally speaking parents who put their kids in french immersion tend to have made an active decision about their kids education. At my kids school the parents tended to be older and better educated, the english stream kids were the "local" kids. So if the school your son is in is the better to two evils I would get myself on the parent school council pronto, so I can see first hand how thing are organized etc., and of course have a say in it. Being on the parent school council when your kids are in elementary is a very good way of getting to know the teachers / principal and of course other parents. My kids liked me being involved and having a finger on the pulse of what was going on.

Hope that helps!

Re: Feeling guilty about son.
 

i really feel for you its hard to take when your kids are unhappy.
We too live in a dual language area and have seen the "our kids learn in french" so must be more intelligent than the English only stream attitudes certain people have.
I agree 100% with the Hockey /skating idea and also why not join a local karate or similar club.
also dont let the school get away with ignoring the bully problem!!
jimmy

Re: Feeling guilty about son.
 

Couldn't agree more. Our 10 year old girl was bullied at school (French Immersion too!) by other girls, until she ended up on the same hockey team with some of the "cool" boys from school. Since they were on the same team, the boys would hang out and chat with her during recess, and magically the bullying stopped. She is fine now, and loves hockey. She only wants to play on boy teams though, still can't get over how mean girls are...

She also swims, plays basketball and soccer, but none of those teams are as much about team spirit and camaraderie as hockey. Her best friend, however, she met on her soccer team... I'd say if your son is looking for friends, give hockey a try. It worked great for our daughter, and we ended up making some great friends as well!

Re: Feeling guilty about son.
 

Gosh I so know how you feel right now. I posted a similar thread last November? along the same lines regarding my Grade 4 daughter. She initially loved it, settled in so well then about 5 months in she just became so introverted and quiet, constantly upset about missing friends for about 2 months and I felt sick with guilt about the whole thing. Both my kids struggled with recess for a while, it took them time to get into the games they do here and to stop comparing what it used to be like at their old school.
I think you've had lots of good advice so far regarding the whole sports thing. It's worked wonders for my girl, having never skated before she now loves skating and has flown through the Canskate levels in 6mths. I was amazed at how quickly she got the hang of it and has no fear on ice and she's also discovered a love for soccer which is huge where we live. This has dramatically improved her confidence and really helped with the social interaction for her. She doesn't have a best friend here, but I don't see that as a bad thing.
I would say on the whole play dates are less frequent compared to what we were used to in the UK, but then nobody really has much time for them with all the after school sports during the week! We are lucky though that we live in a neighbourhood full of kids and walking distance to school, so there is usually someone around to play with even if they are in different streams or classes.
Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that it does get better, but like all things it takes time. Coming out the other side of things now and having lived here for almost a year, I can see that it has made her more resilient and the move has actually been a good thing for her confidence.
I hope things get better for your son soon, try to stay positive.

Re: Feeling guilty about son.
 

I'd also vote for the getting involved in sports option. We haven't moved yet (moving in August), but spent a month in Canada last year to get a feel for things. Our son (was age 10 at the time) is really keen on sports and he got to play american football while we were there, which was brilliant and made him feel very much part of things, even though we weren't there for long. Hockey sounds like a great idea. A lot of other parents we talked to over there also said to us that kids who are involved in sports or music etc tend to do better at school as well.

I'd also recommend checking out martial arts for him. Our son's been doing Goju Ryu Karate since he was 5, and it's been incredibly helpful for him when dealing with attempted physical bullying. He is a bit of a sensitive sort, but has developed a real inbuilt confidence and has surprised some of the other kids at his school when they've tried to attack him physically. He can really hold his own, but without actually causing any damage to the other kids - this style of karate is very much about self defence, with the first line of defence being avoiding the fight altogether. It's available all over the place in the GTA, if you wanted to check it out, and the world chief instructor is actually a Japanese Canadian living in Burlington. www.iogkf.ca should bring up a list of all the dojos in Canada.

I'd also definitely go and talk to the school. They can't just dismiss it out of hand.

Re: Feeling guilty about son.
 

When you say football, do you mean soccer or football?

If he liked rugby, has he considered football, as in Canadian/American Football?

Re: Feeling guilty about son.
 

Siouxie, Christian schools are out of the question for me personally, and the two other schools are both very small, and also probably not where we would want to live to keep in catchment- both very rural. The other issue is that we would probably like our smaller one to go to French Immersion, so we could potentially be looking at two schools.


Well it's soccer here isn't it, so that's what he's signed up for. He swims three times a week as it is so time is limited, I asked some friends about baseball last night but they said it's not really very big around here (so I guess like his soccer team) . Plus he said he doesn't want to go to anything else now- although I would potentially just take him along anyway. My husband says American football is really stop start, not much game play, rugby wasn't really like that. Tbh I don't think we'll replicate the comaraderie the boys or parents had from our local rugby team. We just got lucky we all really liked each other.

He is however interested in Ice hockey, so skating lessons would need to happen. I guess we have to wait til next winter to start that again?! I honestly have no idea how it works.

Re: Feeling guilty about son.
 

Our local skating club does offer summer sessions, maybe take a look in your area if your local club does the same. Skating and summer seem strange bedfellows, but hey this is Canada! Summer camp and activities are also very big here (not sure if this will be your first summer here), now is the time to start looking into what is on offer and getting signed up.

My kids were born here so I have no experience of what after school activities in the UK are like these days, but here kids are very "scheduled" with activities so there is little time for after school playmates. Hanging out time seems to happen within with your teams / groups you belong to (when you don't have family around).

I suspect things will be different with your second as you will have the Kindergarten bonding experience, that is probably where the first friendships between your son's classmates were made, and more strategically important between the Mum's and Dads! So as I suggested in an earlier post joining the parent school council would be a good way for you to meet other folks. I think you will find a lot of other "professional" types amongst those parents ( I think your hubby is doctor??). I really don't mean it to sound snobby but that is how things broke down down at the school my kids attended.

Also, back to your original issue of bullying, it's just human nature that being involved and engaged in the school as a parent gives you an "in" with the teachers and therefore more able to get a feel of how issues get handled, more able to have a quick casual word with the Principal etc.

Re: Feeling guilty about son.
 

Thanks Minstrel, I always intended to get more involved when the youngest goes to school. I agree it could give me knowledge and access I wouldn't usually get.