Beastie

Picture this scenario. You move to Canada after 4 years of waiting for visa's and embark on settling into the first year of your new life. Then, 6 months after you move, one of the parents left in the UK dies suddenly, 3 months after that another of the parents left behind dies. How do you cope both practically with such a distance involved and emotionally?

These are just a couple of the questions we have been asking ourselves since landing last August and taking the decision to return home until our children have finished their UK education. Lynne's father died suddenly from a heart attack in March and my mother passed away last week having been diagnosed with cancer two weeks earlier. How on earth would we have coped if we had stayed?

At the time it was one of the most difficulty choices we have ever made to return to the UK. We had travelled on one-way tickets and hoped to be staying as we loved Fredericton. But, as we spent 3 weeks travelling round it became clear that our eldest wanted to finish the last year of his A Levels and our youngest wanted to do his GCSE's so we decided to put our plans on hold. Now, we consider ourselves lucky to have come back to the UK as we feel two deaths within the first year would have resulted in us being unable to manage both financially and the stress that already exists during that crucial first year. So, how do people manage something like this? Would canadian employers have been understanding about the time that would have inevitably been taken off due to flying back to the uk and how have people coped with the emotional distress involved?

I no longer have any important ties to the UK but Lynne's mother is still a constant worry for her so these questions may apply again some point in the future. How this affects our plans to move in 18 months or so we don't know but Canada seems a very long way off for us right now.

Silverdragon102

We lost our FIL in Feb after a long illness and DH's employers where great and willing to give him time off to go back to the UK but after discussion with MIL it was decided he stayed but would have left if required. I think we was lucky as company International and very supportive.

Piff Poff

Sorry to hear of your losses. I really am.

Last year we got the phone call that MIL had died in a car crash then barely 6 months later FIL was taken into hospital as a precaution and died that afternoon from a heart attack brought on by pneumonia. Hubby had a very difficult time coping with his grief, we had just got to the stage where FIL was about to say yes to a visit. The guilt that we weren't there after finding out how bad his Dad was coping after his Mums death all took a toll. I was incredibly worried about him but amazingly things started to turn around at spring break when I forced us all to go away, it was the best thing I could have done (thankfully). There are times where it hits him that he is now an orphan - especially when he passed his bike test a couple of weeks ago, his Dad was a biker in the old days - everytime we have big new DH feels it as I'm blabbering away to my Mum and he can't.

It's something we have had to cope with, we made the decision to live here, we knew these phone calls have been a possibility, we have had many ups and downs with my Mums health and I have found myself looking for emergency flights on numerous occasions now. It does add to the stress of living so far away and I can understand why people throw the towel over these situations to some extent.

As for our employers - they were both great both times. DH employer got a meal certificate for him too, just a really nice thought.

iaink

Sorry for your loss. Its not easy, simple as that. But I guess when we make the decision to move here we know that these days are going to come. All you can do is muddle through as best you can...

Tangram

Agree with everything above.

mardyarse

You poor souls, I really do wish you lots of luck and hope your grief doesn't suspend your lives for longer than bearable.

In answer to your question we had this discussion with our parents before we left, explaining that the cost and time logistics of lugging a whole family back might not be practical in the first year. My husband and I agreed that if it was his father he should go back only and try to cover it on a "business meeting" flight. I have a minimal relationship with him and he hasn't bothered with the kids since we moved over. If it was my parents, I would go by myself and we have a fund put by just to cover 1 flight and a car for a week. Air Canada by the way do have special fares for compassionate flights back to the UK as they know the huge migration from the UK is a big part of their business.

Once again, the very best to you and your family and I hope the worst is behind you now.

Piff Poff

It is still usually cheaper to by Air transat etc rather than Air Canada's full price compassionate rate - the only benefit we could see was the no extra charge if you have to change your return flight.

mardyarse

crikey, you too have had bad luck and had to cope with so much. Its never easy coping with grief but to be thousands of miles away just piles good measures of guilt to boot. I hope the both of you feel like you're coming out of the woods now and sunnier times ahead but well done for not turning back, you would only have lived to regret it.

ann m

My sincere condolences to both of you. What a rough few months.

I'm not sure how I want to say this without sounding incredibly insensitive. Both of my parents are now dead. Each was a horrendous time in itself and I occasionally nod to the 'orphan' feeling too.

But, years down the line, I know in my heart that it is because they are not around that I have been able to more easily leave the UK and try and settle in another country.

It's quite another matter for my husband who has both parents still alive and reasonably well, and three brothers and their related families and offspring. He has been much better than I think I ever would have been at leaving an existing family network.

I am in awe of people who can upsticks and leave parents. I would not have been one of those people, but my mum and dad's (far too) early demise has lifted responsibilities and obligations that I would not have contemplated previously. I can't use the word 'blessing' because in all honesty I'd much rather have my mum and dad back in a heartbeat - I miss them still - but in dealing with their deaths, it gave me a chance to 'grab' a few things in life that I otherwise would not have been brave enough to do alone. It was a bit like a wake-up call that you never know the minute ....

I suppose what I'm trying to say, albeit clumsily, is that at some point in the future, you will be able to look back at your parent's life and contributions with a smile rather than a tear, and you will glance into your own future and decide what else you wish to make of it - and where ....

G77

First of all, my condolences.

My employer gives 5 days paid leave for the passing of a direct relative of either myself or spouse when the distance involved is over a certainly amount of km's (of which the UK certainly would be). I dread the day that I actually have to make use of this, but I can't stop the inevitable.

pinkmcfarquhar

It is definitely something that is hard to cope with and something to consider when moving abroad.

We arrived in Newfoundland Nov 07, leaving my husband's elderly parents (who had by that time been in a care home for a couple of years), my 3 grandparents and my not too old parents. Our first 6/7 months were great - settling in nicely, bought a house, OH got home for quick visit, my parents visited - everything ticking along nicely.

Then, the first phone call in July 07, MIL had suffered a heart attack and stroke and was in hospital. OH (who works offshore) got cheap flights over with zoom the next day - he had been due to go offshore a couple of days later, but his work were fantastic and told him not to worry. Sadly, his mum died a couple of days later. I had a flight booked with Air Canada for the October, they changed that for me at no extra charge (only the difference in flight cost which was about 60 bucks). Luckily at the time I wasn't working, so no problems there.

After that, things quietened down again for a while. Then, OH was back working in Scotland last November, due to fly back and join a job in the Gulf of Mexico when his father took ill. Again, had to phone his work and say he couldn't go. Again, they were fantastic and gave him an open return flight for when he needed to come back to Canada. He stayed for a few weeks until I was over for my Gran's 100th in December then we both came home.

In January, my other Gran passed away. As it was only 3 weeks since we'd been back, and as I knew she would understand, we stayed here. It was hard though, particularly on the day of the funeral, and knowing how upset my mum was I felt helpless, but after a few weeks of phoning every day (thanks to Skype), at least I felt able to provide some support.

In April this year, I was back for my parent's ruby wedding (to cheer my mum up) which made the 3rd trip home in less than a year. A fantastic trip and nice to see everybody (again!).

Sadly, just two weeks after I got back, my other Gran took ill, then just a few days later my FIL took a turn for the worst. At this point, I was now working (although part time), and hubby was in a boat with no communications in the gulf of mexico. Sadly, my FIL died the next day, so even if hubby had got the message his father was ill, no way he would have been back in time.

I had to get in touch with his office (on a Saturday), to tell them, to get the message to OH. His office were fantastic, as soon as they got my message, they phoned to speak to me and offer their help with anything else, and kept in touch through the day until they managed to get the message to OH. Booked flights for him straight back to Scotland when he got onshore, and would have booked for me if I'd needed it (lucked out with an amazing price on Air Canada by some fluke). So, just 3 weeks to the day of flying Scotland-Canada, I was back in Scotland. Had FIL's funeral on the Friday, and my Gran passed away on the following Monday. So in one 2-week trip, we had two funeral's to attend - I have to admit at this point the morbid jokes came out in force (two for the price of one, etc).

I was so lucky, as I got to see my Gran before she died. Hubby had had the chance to spend time with his dad back when he first took ill. I think living so far away meant that when we did visit, we really appreciated the time we had with them.

Apologies for rambling on, but as you can see we've had quite a time of it over the last year. At no time at all did I plan to go home 4 times in the space of year, but it was just the way it happened. Luckily as I only work part -time, my work were fantastic. We were in a very fortunate position of being able to do it financially (although nothing better happen again for a while as the emergency fund is now pretty empty!), but emotionally it did take a toll on both of us. I've now been home around 6 weeks and am only now starting to feel back to normal. As for my husband's work - absolutely amazing - booking flights, time off never a problem, and they even sent flowers to my FIL's funeral.

Even knowing what I know now, would I still have came to Canada? Yup. It makes you appreciate people a whole lot more when they're not so near and cuts out a lot of the crap.

The4BellsLondon

Hmm -its hard to think about the inevitable, my parents are here at the mo and I feel awful thinking they are getting older and that I am depriving them of their grand children - they are all v v close..

I think in the back of my head I think we will be back in the Uk by the time they get to an age when they will really need me (they are both 63.)

Beastie

Thank you all for the condolences and kind words. Dealing with the death of a close relative is never easy and I do feel we have been lucky to be in the UK when these losses have happened. I don't know how we would have coped if we had stayed in Canada but I guess, as with some of those who have kindly replied, it's just something that has to be worked through one day at a time.

Thanks once again for the replies and to those of you who have gone through something similar, I'm sorry if this thread may have brought difficult emotions to the fore again.

John

wensamjam

Hi,

I have lived in Canada (will be 4 years tomorrow). I have been through the same experience. My mother passed away from Lung cancer in Dec 07, within a week of that my dad started to get sick and 6 months later he died of Bowel cancer. At both times we thought it best my 8 year son should not be in the environment of so much sadness, so i flew home with my sister (who also lives in Canada).
My husband has a very understanding employer who gave him 2 weeks off for both times i had to go home. My husband was deeply upset he could not attend both parents funeral as he was very close to them. It also came down to the cost of us all flying home and we did not want to leave our son with anyone.
My father-in-law who lives in the UK is 75 and on his own, but still active and visits us every year. It is always a worry about parents and never in my wildest dreams did i think i would have to go back within 6 months for both mom and dad passing. Our thoughts and my parents were you don't live your lives for your parents you now have a family of your own and they come first.
The same year i was trying to get my business off the ground. It was a very tough year from 07 to 08, now my dad's year anniversary of passing is only a week away, time certainly heels but you never forget. I am so glad my parents had visits to us and got to see our new lives they were very happy for us, but the pain of not being able to pick up the phone every other day and have a chat with them is still painful.
I have never wanted to go back to the UK, and still do not. When i was there i couldn't wait to get back to Canada.

Good luck with your plans.

mardyarse

Heres a thought?!

my parents pride themselves on raising my brother and myself to be independent. They never wanted us to take care of them in their old age and it was a mantra throughout our childhood they'd constantly be saying. We've had free thought, free will and a distant relationship.

However, the downside of this is that I've never felt really, really close to my family and so the decision to live thousands of miles away was easy.

The consequence of this is no one will be there to take care of them in their final years and its no use asking for help when they insisted on us making our own lives and our own decisions and living the consequence of that.

Bizarrely, I'm changing history in our family and we are a tight knit, small family ourselves. Me and OH, and 2 kids and 2 kittens. We do everything together and make time for good, quality family time. I want my children to lean on me as I'll always feels wanted. This is how I show my love and feel loved by my children without smothering them.

It would break my heart if my children ever decided to live in a foreign land and deprive me of my future grandchildren. My mother always said you reep what you sow! Unfortunately for her and Dad this may be something they regret later down the line. But maybe for some people it was our upbringing that brought us to the migration decision and be comforted knowing that your parents wouldn't have wanted it any different for you. I know thats not the case for everyone but maybe they're very proud of you for your grit and determination to make a new life for yourself and family and through adversity stick with it and not run back to what you had before.