Emigration is a lonely place
 

We had our leaving party at the weekend (flying out on 6th August). Generally a good time was had by all until my best friend decided to tell me that she thinks I am "hard".

I know that she is sad we are going and that she doesn't really get all of our reasons. When we first started talking about it her husband took me aside and asked me to play it down as she was to upset to talk about it so for the last 3 years I have been very careful not to talk about it too much, often when I really needed someone to talk to.

For the last year she has started to be quite close to another, previously more casual friend. Firstly the three of us would go places, then lately the two of them went to places where my friend and I used to go to without asking me. I never commented, although it upset me a little as I realized that she needed to be getting her life together for after we go.

More recently she has rarely phoned me, sometimes forgetting to return my calls when I left messages for her and we have not really seen that much of each other. We both have busy lives, but we used to make time for each other. I would have loved to have spent more time than usual with her in these last few weeks but I respected that she was going to be the one left behind and that she was probably trying to break away gradually so that it will be less painful when we finally leave so I didn't push anything but tried to be there whenever she wanted me to be.

I just can't understand, when I have tried for so long to be so sensitive to her needs, checking with her husband what is the right thing to do, why she then tell me that she thinks that I am such a hard and un-sensitive person.

I was devastated....I actually locked myself in the garage for 10 minutes for a good cry....how sad is that. I didn't want to cry at the party and risk her or other people being upset.

Then, at the end of the night, she got into her car in floods of tear and just drove her family home without another word.

We have seen them since and she is just behaving normally but I just don't know what to say to her as she obviously sees me as a totally different person to what I thought.

Sorry for rambling on but I have been thinking about this all week and I just needed to share it with others who may have been through such times and know how it feels.

It's at times like these when I am really thankful that a forum such as this exists. Thank you for letting me talk.

Re: Emigration is a lonely place
 

Hi,

It's hard enough to move away from family and friends as it is without having to carry everyone else's feelings too so try not to over-focus on it. I wont say anything trite like "well she was never a good friend then" as that doesn't sound like what is going on here at all. This sounds like a friend who is struggling to process "losing" you, although, of course, that need not be the case at all if she could open herself up to the idea of having a fantastic new holiday destination and keeping your friendship alive in other ways by use of the telephone, email, webcam, etc.

What is abundantly clear though, is that you are absolutely NOT hard and insensitive. Your post (and many others of yours that I have read) scream empathy and consideration for others. Satisfy yourself that you have done all you can and then move on...you've got exciting times ahead!

Kind regards,

Eamonn:)

Re: Emigration is a lonely place
 

It's very sad but happens quite a lot. My best friend (once was that is), went 'funny' leading up to our move. In fact, it became apparent almost 2 years before we left.

We rarely speak now and the friendship is essentially gone. I didn't go home for his wedding a few weeks ago as it would have been too difficult. I feel bad but realise you've got to get on with your life over here.

Oh, and this was a friendship that started when we were 5 - over 33 years ago. Now it's gone.

Look to the future and the new relationships you'll form over here.

Re: Emigration is a lonely place
 

Thank you for understanding. I am going to bed now as I can feel the tears starting again and I can't see to type.

I know we are doing to right thing, no-one ever said it was going to be easy.

Re: Emigration is a lonely place
 

oh gosh, poor you.......and your friend!

i've just lost my very best friend to australia and i feel absolutley lost without her....so i understand where she's coming from (although i never thought of her as 'hard').......

and we're looking to move out to canada before the end of the summer, all things being equal.......my best friend knew of our plans over two years ago, so i understand that she had to deal with me leaving her (they hadn't decided to emmigrate unitl last year) so i've wittered on for years about going.

i don't know what to say to you, other than to go to your friend and tell her that you are sorry; tell her that you love her and also tell her that you are excited about your futures and tell her that she will never be more than a click away on email, or a telephone call away......my friend and i email nearly everyday and we phone once a week to catch up on gossip.......not a day goes past when i don't think of her and have an inside tear but if you two are to survive, you must tell her how you feel......friendships can and do span the world and i have friends that i don't see from one year to another. i have one friend that i haven't seen in 17years but we are still 'good friends'.....

good luck and don't forget, talk to her and tell her............

Re: Emigration is a lonely place
 

I do not think you are hard at all, you cannot live your life for your friends no matter how close you are to them.

I can understand that she is upset that you will not be around, but in my opinion a true friend should want what's best for you and support you.

It's so easy now to keep in touch, you can still be part of each others lives, it just takes a bit more effort.

Give her some time, and try not to let this spoil your exciting new future.:)

Linda

Re: Emigration is a lonely place
 

We had exactly the same experience.

I think close friends feel "if they are moving away from me we can't be that close" and I suppose it must be true in a way.

I think we may be saying to them, "We want a new life and your not going to be part of it".

I know we hurt both Family and Friends by emigrating, I don't like it and 10 years on we get repercussions that hurt (we weren't invited to our nephew, who we had been VERY close with, wedding).

We made a decision to benefit OUR family, that was a selfish decision to improve our (our children) life style, at the expense of our Family and Friends feelings.

Like many decisions in life, we accept there have been consequences, are we "hard" because of, perhaps, but I think not.

Our Priorities were different from F & F, but they are OURS, and 95% of the time I feel good about that. :thumbup:

Re: Emigration is a lonely place
 

Oh DNS, I know EXACTLY where you are coming from

My closest friend has made the move here the hardest thing - non intentionally, but for the last few months she was always commenting, then the last few weeks she was always crying. She said she was glad when I cried so I was going through a bit of what she had been going through.

She arranged a surprise party for us, a present when we arrived and she sent a birthday present for me yesterday. Only today, a month after we landed, have I been able to speak to her on the phone, although we have emailed almost every day. I know she thinks I am leaving her behind, and I guess she is right as your friend is right. But it is unfair of them to make it any harder - none of us took this decision lightly.

I am sure it will get easier for us both and for both our friends over time, as others have said, you cannot live your life for your friend, no matter how close you are.

Take care, we will see you when you arrive!!

Rachel

Re: Emigration is a lonely place
 

So you have until the 6th August to attempt to patch things up. Tell her why you hadn't talked about the move too much. Give yourself (and her) some time to talk now; Let her know you want her to visit - assuming you would like that. Remind her how easy it is to talk electronically so it's really easy to keep in touch.

Do it quickly so you don't get distracted by anything as you're doing your final packing etc.

Re: Emigration is a lonely place
 

I know what you're going through, DNS, and I'm sorry that you're experiencing it.

The irony is that my niece and her husband, who recently spent several days with us during what South Africans call an LSD (look, see and decide) trip, reported the same thing.

Some friends and family members were supportive of their plans, but other friends and family members had turned weird. Some of them asked how they could give up South Africa's weather, scenery and general lifestyle, which couldn't be matched anywhere in the world. (I say that tongue-in-cheek, because the crime level is so high that members of the Russian Mafia reportedly are hesitant about going to South Africa.) Other friends and family members had grown downright nasty.

It was the same when we left South Africa in the 1970s. Back then they used to refer to the departure from South Africa as the "Chicken Run." It astonishes me, though, that -- even with the violence that virtually every South African family now has experienced -- there still are people who blame others for leaving.

Hard as it is to deal with, grief induces reactions in people -- the classic stages of denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Some people are better than others at masking their reactions.

I actually disagree with the people who say you should talk to your friend. The decision is up to you of course, and naturally you're welcome to give it a try. But I don't think you should bank on it producing the results you're hoping for. Some relationships are like Humpty Dumpty, and there's no putting them back together again once emigration has pushed them over the edge.
x

Re: Emigration is a lonely place
 

You know what, a good hug might do it. When so much is unsaid, imho, it can be totally misunderstood by either side. whereas you were trying so hard to be sensitive, she might have thought the absence of your input was a neglect in the relationship, oblivious to her part in that of course. But even though you are going and there is an end to the immediate physical relationship as it once was, there is a lot to be said for leaving well and letting each other know how important you are to each other. Like a sister, not just a friend.

Maybe a phone call? Or pop pver and share a hug?

She'll come right, sometimes those friends never quite get over the hurt, but you cant take that guilt with you, just do what you can to make things better and accept you can do no more.

Good luck!!:wub:

Re: Emigration is a lonely place
 

I agree:thumbsup:

Re: Emigration is a lonely place
 

My friend and I nearly had the most almighty falling out - on the morning of our leaving party ! She was stressed to the hilt, tearful, and hyper-sensitive - we had a few harsh words and separated our duties for a couple of hours. I was incredibly aware of how she was feeling - and felt at a loss to make her feel any better - so probably didn't come across as sympathetic to her plight ! :o

But I was having a plight of my own - I was really looking forward to the afternoon, and equally dreading collapsing in a tearful heap myself - I was also in full "party organiser" mode and keen that everything went off well.

We muddled through lunchtime, I put up balloons in the venue with her husband and we had a chat - then I went back to the house and we "made up" over the fruit platters ! A big hug - a good talk - and bit of a cry - and we were back on track. I think she had a good evening !

She was still at quite a loss for several months after we left. We're OK now (I think :blink: ) - we speak fairly regularly - there were some other issues brewing in her life at the same time so that also played a part I think. Be caring and approachable - but still get on the plane. The best proper friendships will endure the distance - others become polite acquaintances - and others still will not survive the changes at all. You can only do what you can do. Good luck with her, and with everything else. :thumbup:

Re: Emigration is a lonely place
 

That's true, it may not work. But it might. No harm in trying, surely, if it means staying friends.

Not trying almost certainly means a lost friend.:(

Re: Emigration is a lonely place
 

Hi

As others have said perhaps you could try and have one last heart to heart with her, perhaps when she understands where you have been coming from it may help her too.

If she remains upset then at least you can feel you have done all you can to resolve this before you leave and you can start your new lives.

Good luck with everything:thumbup:

Re: Emigration is a lonely place
 

Mornin ND:thumbsup:

Re: Emigration is a lonely place
 

Thanks everyone. I am a bit more together this morning and will be seeing my friend this afternoon.

ann m
I kind of expected the preparation to be an emotional time. We had our party at home and when we have had parties in the past we always cater together. This time she said that she would be there at lunchtime and she didn't turn up. I did the food myself (for 70 people) and when she came in the evening she didn't say why she hadn't come earlier and I didn't ask.

She usually loves catering for parties so that was to be kind of "our time" where there were not lots of others around. I am sure if she had been there in the day she wouldn't have felt so bad in the evening.

Still. You can't turn back the clock. I love my friend, but I have always known that she is "high maintenance" so I probably should have expected this. However, I am still going to work at staying friends and hopefully she will be out next summer to visit.

Thanks again.

Re: Emigration is a lonely place
 

All the best DNS,
You have to do what you feel happy with, I really hope it works for you....
Charlie

Re: Emigration is a lonely place
 

Destination,

Dont leave without trying to sort it out. You will regret it later on.
You obviously are very upset and at a loss too over your friend otherwise you woulndt have put a post here.
If it doesnt end on a positive note then you leave with sadness at the loss of a good friend but you also leave knowing you tried.:unsure:

Hope it works out for you:thumbup:

Re: Emigration is a lonely place
 

Hi DNS

I kind of understand what you are going through, although my story is a little bit different.

Just remember your friend is still there and still wants to be your friend. She is just going through a very rough patch at the moment, as are you. It is very difficult to move away from friends and family in any walk of life, but i am sure you and she will be okay.

Just do not give up and please do not do what i did and shut all friendship out of your life. It is a very lonely feeling, when you do not have anyone to talk to......

I lost my best friend to cancer fifteenyears ago and I wasn't there for her when she passed away. I have always regretted this. I have never really had any close friends since and now find it really hard to make friends.

I hope i will be able to make new ones in Nova Scotia, when i get there. I am sure you will too, but try not to give up entirely on your best friend. It is hard and painful and it hurts but you have to get on with your life and hope that she understands.

Hope you feel better and things work out ;)

Emmjay

I am sorry for rambling, but your message made me think too much:o

Re: Emigration is a lonely place
 

Aww big hugs dns, i am sure that you will do whats right and if your freind isnt
willing to make things right before you leave that is HER loss, you cannot do anymore afterall , i am sure they will be many people when you move only too pleased to have YOU as a freind :) xx

Re: Emigration is a lonely place
 

She would understand if she was a true friend. Her resentment at the fact you are leaving and subsequent reaction and attitude toward you only serve to highlight how selfish she is.

You will make new friends. Friends with funny accents.

I'm still really tight with all of my true friends back home and keep in touch loads. Others I would have considered close are not there any more- the move has only highlighted to me how they weren't true friends anyway.

The only thing I have to be careful about now is talking too much about how much I love being here. That can lead to problems, especially as they are still stuck on that rotting island.

:D

Peace.

Re: Emigration is a lonely place
 

AAAAAAAAAhhhhhhhhhh.....not again.

I am feeling crap again.

I called my friend to see if we could go somewhere tomorrow with the kids seeing as the weather has been so nice.

She said that she couldn't make it as she would be having a lie in after the GIRLS NIGHT that she is having at her house. The one to which I haven't been invited.

To top it all my husband is the one who has been roped in to give her husband a lift into town to meet his mates for a night out (so that she can have her girls night), and tomorrow he is spending the day there working on their extension FOC to get some stuff finished before we move. I will be at home sorting out the house and packing on my own.

I am really trying not to get uptight with her as we are leaving in a weeks time. We took the whole family out bowling the other day as a bit of a treat from us hoping that a nice time together will help things along. I thought that things were better but now I'm not so sure. If it were anyone else I would just walk away, but we grew up together like sisters and I just want to make things right.

What more can I do?

Re: Emigration is a lonely place
 

I just want to say - She cares about you and this is hitting her hard and she doesn't know how to deal with it and she is scared she will lose you forever.

My very good friends were great, happy for us, just goodbye tears in the last days, no stress, no guilt - nothing. And that's what I have had from them since we moved - nothing, despite several phone calls, letters, e-mails and Christmas cards. One friend does send the 'forward on' emails but the other really close friend I have not heard a peep out of since the day we moved.

I've just seen you last post, it seems as though your friend is being a little unfair and I can see why your upset, your friend will regret some of her actions, i'm sure. Keep you chin up:wub:

Re: Emigration is a lonely place
 

I think i would have to get her to one side and ask her out right what the problem is and ask her why she is been so 'off' with you, good way to get things off your chest plus she can tell you why she acting like she is,if that dosnt work i'm afraid i would just walk away and concentrate on your family and your new life in canada. xx

Re: Emigration is a lonely place
 

Er, how would she feel if you had a girls night and you hadn't invited her?

This is ceasing to be your problem as you have tried your best. It is definitely her problem as she is beginning to behave badly......ask yourself, would you behave like she is at present?

Re: Emigration is a lonely place
 

F$ck 'em.

Re: Emigration is a lonely place
 

3.46 am today4.42 pm todayWhat happened to the expected meet up this afternoon? Did she call it off in preparation for her girls night?

If so, it's beginning to sound as if she might be trying to make a point. Not very good timing I fear.

Re: Emigration is a lonely place
 

I am all for making allowances for her feelings.....but she is a grown woman, there comes a time when she will just have to 'suck it up!'

Sorry to sound so harsh, but she should be making the most of the time you have together not spoilling it by acting like a child.

I really do feel for you, it's such a waste of energy.

hugs:wub:

Linda

Re: Emigration is a lonely place
 

I think it's her way of dealing with her loss....she may have not gone the right way abut it...but it's her way of coping with the distance between you...maybe it's an immature 'coping mechansim' she has, but this is reparable...it's not easy as quite often friends, dear friends are much closer than family...it will work out.

Re: Emigration is a lonely place
 

Ditto - one of my friends have been my rock and this process has made us closer, on the other hand my close friend that i have known forever i havent seen since last year when i told her we was doing the move, she just wont talk to me, so i have moved on :curse:

Same with hubby his mate havent seen him for a few months since we came back with the job offer, some people you will never please, but i would put your cards on the table and let her decide, but you have a lovely family and get to that new life ASAP, you have your extended friends here :thumbsup:

Re: Emigration is a lonely place
 

Rang her in the morning to see what time I could go over and she was having a sleep in the garden and had left instructions with her daughter that she was tired and not to wake her

Re: Emigration is a lonely place
 

Really hard one this DNS I would drop her a letter expalin how you feel then the ball is in her court I can see why you would be so mad at not being invited to the girls night that is really harsh good luck!
cathy

Re: Emigration is a lonely place
 

I have moved around the UK quite a bit and now I am in BC. I have found that you can't accurately predict who will stay a friend and who will forget you and move on, there have always been surprises. A true friend will always be a true friend, and it is often hard if you have expectations of friendship which are not being met.
If you have tried to make a move and been rejected three times then leave it. Once is acceptable, twice is coincidence, three times is deliberate. After that, don't chase people. Give her time to think and let her come to you. Either she will or she won't and leave it at that or you will be adding stress at a time when you have enough to think about.
I wish you luck in your journey.

Re: Emigration is a lonely place
 

It maybe lonley at times especially till you make friends over here (which you will Canadians are a very friendly bunch) but you also have to think on the positive and what an elite club your joining! You stood up and said I dont like the cards I was dealt and actually had the balls to do something about it and do what most dream about - Live your life rather than wasting it and being stuck with the other rats in a place your not happy!

Its a wonderful adventure enjoy it! :)

Re: Emigration is a lonely place
 

That was beautiful:wub:

Re: Emigration is a lonely place
 

I feel for you (the OP) but I think your friend is being very selfish! I know from personal experience that you really find out who your friends (and family) are when you emigrate (or try and not get there as we did) :blink:

If your friend thinks that much of you she shouldn't be pi**ing around and wasting what little time you have left together before you leave. I don't think you're being hard, you're entitled to make your own choices. When we were planning to emigrate to Canada we found several friends dropped us, so we tended to think 'stuff 'em' to put it honest. I'd rather have a couple of real friends than loads of acquaintances. To this day we are estranged from family members who didn't agree with what we wanted to do. You will always find that some people will try and hold you back for their own selfish reasons.

Emigration is an adventure, all the best to you. I hope I don't sound too harsh, I don't mean to be but my experience made me see the negative side of people I thought I knew :unsure:

Re: Emigration is a lonely place
 

Thanks I try!