KerinaK2008

I have just very recently moved to Canada to be with my partner. So far it is not so bad, I have been lucky enough to have made friends quickly here and have existing friends over here I had met on previous visits which I have now been able to mingle with much more. The only thing that is missing now is getting a job which has been bugging me but have had a call back already so it is looking good! I have only been here around 7 weeks so really just trying to get settled.

Even though some days feel good and easier, I can not help but miss my family and friends back home alot. I just hope it gets easier because honestly I am doing ok out here but my emotional tie to the UK is getting the better of me. I am also concerned about my future, I do not think I would have a problem staying here a year or 2. But at the mo feel I would want to come after that mainly because of my family. The problem, with this trail of thought, I dont know if I should just call it a day. My partner seems to have changed since I have got here and I feel like he would never want us to ever move to the UK and wants us to settle here. He is Canadian and loves it here.Just knowing there is never a maybe, makes me contemplate. I feel really trapped, we are having our white wedding this summer and I just dont know if it is the right thing to do now. I do not want to feel trapped, but want to feel like there are always options for the future. I feel so alone, because when i shared my thoughts he had a go at me so dont know what to do now.

Oink

IMHO it'll get worse and while you might suppress it it'll gnaw away at you. You might do the classic, 'everything is c**p with UK' defense to help you deal with it , but it'll just make you more unhappy. It's an adjustment that you can learn to live with, but that's not much of a life.

Of course, its his home and his culture. He feels empowered because he's not the foreigner anymore.

jericho

Well, what an uplifting response

Of course, everyone feels the same way you do when they first arrive. We have 2 young kids who the family doted on, and miss terribly, but thats not a reason to stay in the UK. We miss family too- Christmas and kids b'day parties etc were weird without having everyone around, but you adapt quickly.

However, if you're having relationship troubles already, thats something else entirely....

ann m

Sounds like you've got a lot on at the moment.

Moving to a new country is huge - no matter if you hit the ground running, or whether it takes 3 yrs to feel settled. Everyone is different and there is no right or wrong. However, I would say that trying to find work is an underlying stress anyway because you simply don't know where or when you will be working. Do you have a mental time limit tucked away, that if you couldn't find work you would call it a day? Can your boyfriend 'afford' you for a while?! Work is crucially important to feeling good, safe and to some degree worthwhile.

Missing friends and family is a common theme for most - again, some barely look back at all and for others it becomes an all-encompassing misery. And when you are feeling unsettled and homesick anyway - missing your mum or your best mate just seems soooo much worse and critical. And maybe it is. Or maybe this will pass. The only way to work out which way it will go is to give it some time to see how you feel in a month, or three months, or a year. Hard to do when you are feeling a bit shitty

Finally, my last comment relates to your impending marriage. Everyone has wobbles here and there I guess (I didn't ) but I would be concerned that you are already feeling this person might not be the future for you. Do not walk down that aisle with a sense of entrapment and doom. Walk down that aisle happy and confident that this person will love and support you, no matter what.

For what it's worth, I would chat to your fiance again, I would try and give yourself a little pat on the back for doing well so far, and I would potentially look to postpone that wedding for a year. Sounds like you need some breathing space more than anything. And support from your man

Very good luck

KerinaK2008

Thanks everyone for their responses so far. I am just thinking maybe it is too soon to make final decisions. I guess being out of work does not help either, as it gives me more time to think and my partner works in the week and weekends. Luckily I have the distractions of meeting up with the friends I have made here, but the times when I have to spend time alone.. it is too much time to think. I do not doubt that my partner is the right person, I do love him alot, I am just concerned of him always trying to convince us to stay here no matter what. But it is early days I guess, maybe I will start to feel different when I start working and get more in touch with Canada.

Settlers_Unlimited

Having a job, a real one, where your qualifications fit and people appreciate that, helps tremendously. While I can go whine about the quality of life here, it seems I have found the best job I can have in my life. And even if I earn less than a few months ago in Europe, this makes the whole move worth trying for me.

If your husband works so that you have income, and you have no kids, you can keep on trying endlessly. Just don't give up and take it as fun.

snoopster

I would agree that having a job helps enormously. As soon as I found employment (even though it's not as high powered as I'm trained for), then things started to normalise for me and I felt loads more settled. Now we've been here 6 months, I feel very different to how I felt soon after arriving. I don't think you'll ever stop missing your friends and family, but it becomes more bearable over time, and when you're busy worrying about all the other day to day stuff, you have less time to ponder.
Keep your chin up and give it time. Don't rush into any big decisions too quickly and I'm sure all will be well. Good luck x

Kirstine

I must admit I can sympathise with how you feel as I've been here two months with my partner now, although we're both British, he was fortunate enough to have a job before coming here but I didn't so I've been looking like crazy for a job since I got here and to be honest it is what makes things soo much harder! Whilst my other half is out at work earning money, feeling useful and talking to lots of different people, I am stuck at home rather isolated looking for a job and wondering if it's ever going to happen for me. For the past week I have been wondering to myself if I made the right choice and sometimes wishing I was back home. Plus I feel guilty as hell about having to have my partner pay for everything and pretty much look after me financially. And I know he'll not want to do that forever as he's under enough pressure as it is.

But truthfully I don't want to go home because I've spent two years saving up and planning to come here, it's what I wanted to do for a long time so giving it all up would be like quitting and admitting defeat for me. Luckily I haven't had any real homesickness yet, sometimes I would like to be back home to hang with friends or talk to family but I talk to them on Skype and msn everyday so I don't feel so distanced from them.

But yeah the best thing that will turn things around will be having a job and your own money, because you'll be meeting people and you'll have less time to think about all the negative stuff. It just takes time, unfortunately it's never nice waiting.

Pretty Flowers

I've been out of work in Canada for six months or so, waiting for my PR to come through, and bemoaning the state of the job market. I think that the toughest thing is being at home and not working, which makes you question all your reasons for doing stuff. My experience in Canada has been mixed to say the least, but I am grateful for good things that have happened. The OH said the other day (another immigrant but 'Merican) that when you've got through the difficult times, you really appreciate what they've taught you.

So... I guess what I'm saying is that things might be difficult now, but stick with it, and they will get better, and you'll be able to look back on all of the great things you've learnt for yourself while going through this difficult time...

Calgal

I think Ann's advice is spot on. Making the move is huge; getting married is huge; and trying to find work is huge. I think maybe you're expecting too much of yourself to deal with it all at once. Maybe a postponment of the wedding would be a good idea. That way you can take things one step at a time and feel your way a bit more before committing to either the man or the country. Your fiance's reaction to that suggestion could be very telling, too.

My motto is; "If in doubt, don't!". Trust your gut - do what you feel is right for you, but don't do anything hasty. You've got years to deal with the consequences, whether good or bad.

Good luck

KerinaK2008

Thanks everyone for sharing your thoughts with me on this one. It is unlikely the wedding will be postponed at this point. We have actually been engaged for 2 years and I had hoped to move here earlier. But due to the long process for moving, I only got here this year! I have spoken to my other half since my last post and he is trying to be a bit more open with the living arrangements which is making me feel more at ease. However he is still quite keen for us to stay here if we can. I feel fortunate in a way that we have not started a family yet as it gives me more time to get settled and make a final decision where life would be forever with him. For now, i have decided just to work even harder to get a job. I will give myself to the end of the year to make up my mind about Canada. I know people say it takes time and like you have all said, i have so much going on at the moment. Still miss family and home like mad, but this week has been feeling a bit better. Maybe the sunshine is helping a bit for now! Will let you all know how i get on.

dalaney

It's really early days yet, in a new country. It must be very hard for you, probably more so because your fiancee doesn't feel the same way as you. You must be feeling very isolated. You say you have friends but i think it's a long time before those friends feel the same as the close ones you have in the UK and you can't really talk to them the same way.

Ive been in Cyprus for nearly 2 years now and the first 6 months Ive never felt so homesick and alone in all my life. We are now leaving Cyprus for Canada as things haven't worked out and we chose Canada rather than moving back to the UK because now UK doesnt feel like home so much anymore.

In fact on a recent trip back to the UK it felt so strange that everyone and everything was just the same, after so much has changed in my life, how can things stand still there!

It does get better, the homesickness never goes away completely and you will have good days and bad days but one things for sure you will always have options in your future, there are always maybe's

Hope you find a job soon x

CampbellsRComing

Kerina,

I emigrated with my Canadian wife in 2003 - we'd been living together for 10 years at that point and had a 12 month old son.

Please read beyond my next sentence as it isn't the message I'd want you to take away from this thread, but ... she changed too, we fell apart as a family and I ended up back in the UK without either of the two people who were most dear to me for about 9 months.


Luckily, and without going into the details, we managed to pull it back together and now 5 / 6 years down the line we have three beautiful kids, get on better than we ever have and are out to Vancouver Island in August for a reccie and a view to emigrationin 2010 ... ain't life strange?

Lesson's learnt?

1. Emigration puts a HUGE strain on EVERYONE involved .. even those returning 'home.'

2. The strain simply exposes the cracks in relationships that were always there ... going back to the UK with your OH won't paper over those cracks ... they need to be discussed - openly, honestly (with help if necessary) and if they can ... remedied ... either in Canada or the UK

3. Canadian partners (though not exclusively Canadian's ) who have been living in the UK will not leave Canada again readily once they get a foot-hold back there ... but that said ... they need to realise that their 'love of being home' can make YOU hate the place ... Canada (and my partner's friends and family) became, for me, the 'other man' and frankly it was someone whom I couldn't compete with ...

4. Even dumb-ass Canadian OH's can be talked to and made to understand that their long-term planning for life in .Ca can put you under huge pressure ... tell him to stop planning too far into the future when you haven't planned beyond next week or month ... maybe tell him (if didn't before you came out) that this is a 12 / 18 /24 month 'experience' for you ...

5. My last advice (and though I think its my best - other 'hardier' souls may disagree - - sorry I couldn't find a 'giving the bird' smile) is that you are putting yourself under SO much pressure when you convince yourself that Canada is 'forever' ... its not ... we (and loads more I'm sure) are proof of that fact ...

... you don't say how old you are but try and 'lighten up' a little in respect to the permanence of this move to Canada ... and likewise try and get your OH to do the same i.e. once he comes to appreciate the stress his long-term vision is putting you under he may also realise that ACTUALLY ITS IN HIS BEST INTERESTS to listen, sit up and take notice i.e the more he plans long term the more likely you are to buckle under the pressure ... but alternatively if he backs off an lets you relax and enjoy the experience ... the more likely it is that you'll choose to stay anyway ...

If he's smart he'll understand ...

Andy

PS I'm not the best on marriage guidance but marriage IS a long-term commitment (nothing wrong with that by the way - I love being married) but it may (at this stage when you are so uncertain about your long-term committment to Canada) just transform in your mind from a long term commitment to your OH into a long-term commitment to Canada ... and that at this stage will not help reduce your stress and help you to start enjoying th experience ...

If I can help ... let me know