Dealing with parents
Oct 26th 2009, 7:26 am
#61
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 2,113
Re: Dealing with parents
Good luck!
When are you due move?
Oct 26th 2009, 7:56 am
#62
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 2,113
Re: Dealing with parents
We knew of our plans sometime before we told the families because it all depended on the offer of a job. I prepeared my family by first planting a seed in their head that one day I might like to emigrate, my mother and my children said it was a good idea and they understood why. A few months later when my partner had been invited over for tests and interviews Itold them all about it but make clear that nothing was set in stone and had a long way to go yet. At that point I made it clear how we could keep in touch and how we would help my daughter and my 2 grandchildren get over to visit. My mum and my son took it well they were supportive and could see the positives, my daughter wouldnt speak to me for 2 days and my sister just cried. I spoke to my daughter and explained how it would be and that I felt her attitude towards me was being ever so slightly selfish although I understood her feelings and I got a text late at night apolagising and telling me she loved me and hoped it worked out.
Whilst In Canada for our 2 week recce and interviews etc the family almost treated it like I had moved out already, I got phone calls and skyped most days, just very different to how it would have been if I had been on a "normal" holiday.
Now we have had the job offer and are currently going through the last hurdle of getting AINP and PR, it is becoming real to them and when I called my daughter and told her of the job offer and the fact that we really would be going she was really pleased I could hear it in her voice, howe3ver when I called my mum and my sister you could hear the mixed emotion the "oh we are really pleased for you" was mixed with the tone "oh we dont want you to go" when I mentioned this to them all it became clear why... my daughter said from the moment I told her way back earlier this year she had treated it like I would be definately going whereas my mum and my sister hadnt and always clung to the fact that maybe my partner wouldnt get the job offer.
They are all pleased and very supportive at the moment but I do wonder if will change nearer the time we leave the country.
I also explained that it will be no bed of roses for me either it was not an easy decision to leave but for me it is the best and right decision, and sometimes we all have the right to be a little selfish and live for ME.
You may read this and wonder why my son was only mentioned in the beginning .. tha is because he has buggered off to Australia
so he has made the move first anyway. He is pleased for us though and sees it as another country to "crash" in when he feels like moving on.
Just thought I would share my relitavely easy time I had telling my family.
Whilst In Canada for our 2 week recce and interviews etc the family almost treated it like I had moved out already, I got phone calls and skyped most days, just very different to how it would have been if I had been on a "normal" holiday.
Now we have had the job offer and are currently going through the last hurdle of getting AINP and PR, it is becoming real to them and when I called my daughter and told her of the job offer and the fact that we really would be going she was really pleased I could hear it in her voice, howe3ver when I called my mum and my sister you could hear the mixed emotion the "oh we are really pleased for you" was mixed with the tone "oh we dont want you to go" when I mentioned this to them all it became clear why... my daughter said from the moment I told her way back earlier this year she had treated it like I would be definately going whereas my mum and my sister hadnt and always clung to the fact that maybe my partner wouldnt get the job offer.
They are all pleased and very supportive at the moment but I do wonder if will change nearer the time we leave the country.
I also explained that it will be no bed of roses for me either it was not an easy decision to leave but for me it is the best and right decision, and sometimes we all have the right to be a little selfish and live for ME.
You may read this and wonder why my son was only mentioned in the beginning .. tha is because he has buggered off to Australia
so he has made the move first anyway. He is pleased for us though and sees it as another country to "crash" in when he feels like moving on. Just thought I would share my relitavely easy time I had telling my family.
Good post Shazza1012,
The way you handled it was very similar way to which I did, I told my sister and my mother when she was still here, a long time ago it was something I was interested in doing, but did nothing about it for sometime. Then I actually applied some years later, by then both my parents had passsed away, and my sister had moved in with her finace. It became a taboo subject....the C word! That application was to take 3 years processing time, so in that tiime I certainly wasnt going to put my life on hold, so I moved house and shortly after I met a girl who I had a relationship with for over a year. During this time I was convinced I would pull the plug on my application, I felt my life was coming together in the UK, but I still left my application run, my sister never spoke to me about it either in all that time. However things wern't working out with this girl, so I decided to ensure my application was still running, after I had split with this girl, I decided to go ahead with it. I was dreading telling my sister, however when I did she was very supportive, and said I dont want you to go, but know you need to....and altho it was so very hard daying goodbye to her my brother in law and little nephew at the airport, we are still very much in touch, we speak to each other at least once a week and feel are actually closer to each other now.
Just goes to show that family are understandalbly upset when you tell them of you plans, but most do some around to the idea and offer their full support. Just hope its all been worth it.
Paul
Oct 26th 2009, 8:11 am
#63
Just Joined
Joined: Oct 2009
Location: Milton Keynes
Posts: 9
Re: Dealing with parents
Good post Shazza1012,
The way you handled it was very similar way to which I did, I told my sister and my mother when she was still here, a long time ago it was something I was interested in doing, but did nothing about it for sometime. Then I actually applied some years later, by then both my parents had passsed away, and my sister had moved in with her finace. It became a taboo subject....the C word! That application was to take 3 years processing time, so in that tiime I certainly wasnt going to put my life on hold, so I moved house and shortly after I met a girl who I had a relationship with for over a year. During this time I was convinced I would pull the plug on my application, I felt my life was coming together in the UK, but I still left my application run, my sister never spoke to me about it either in all that time. However things wern't working out with this girl, so I decided to ensure my application was still running, after I had split with this girl, I decided to go ahead with it. I was dreading telling my sister, however when I did she was very supportive, and said I dont want you to go, but know you need to....and altho it was so very hard daying goodbye to her my brother in law and little nephew at the airport, we are still very much in touch, we speak to each other at least once a week and feel are actually closer to each other now.
Just goes to show that family are understandalbly upset when you tell them of you plans, but most do some around to the idea and offer their full support. Just hope its all been worth it.
Paul
The way you handled it was very similar way to which I did, I told my sister and my mother when she was still here, a long time ago it was something I was interested in doing, but did nothing about it for sometime. Then I actually applied some years later, by then both my parents had passsed away, and my sister had moved in with her finace. It became a taboo subject....the C word! That application was to take 3 years processing time, so in that tiime I certainly wasnt going to put my life on hold, so I moved house and shortly after I met a girl who I had a relationship with for over a year. During this time I was convinced I would pull the plug on my application, I felt my life was coming together in the UK, but I still left my application run, my sister never spoke to me about it either in all that time. However things wern't working out with this girl, so I decided to ensure my application was still running, after I had split with this girl, I decided to go ahead with it. I was dreading telling my sister, however when I did she was very supportive, and said I dont want you to go, but know you need to....and altho it was so very hard daying goodbye to her my brother in law and little nephew at the airport, we are still very much in touch, we speak to each other at least once a week and feel are actually closer to each other now.
Just goes to show that family are understandalbly upset when you tell them of you plans, but most do some around to the idea and offer their full support. Just hope its all been worth it.
Paul
Thanks Paul, just thought I would share it as it may give people who are looking an idea on how to deal with the dreaded moment.
I hope that your new life is everything you wish it to be.
Oct 26th 2009, 8:34 am
#64
Forum Regular
Joined: Mar 2009
Location: Hampshire, UK
Posts: 178
Re: Dealing with parents
We just told my hubbys folks. We totally overthought the whole situation and talked endlessly about the responses and questions they may have - fully expecting them to be very negative about it (especially his mum). As it was, although his Mother nearly choked on her meal when we figuratively said "Could you pass the salt?, and by the way we are moving to Canada...", they were all fairly positive. I think this was mainly due the the matriarch of the family, Hubbys Gran, saying 'how exciting' the idea was. After her gleeful response and a demand to see maps of the area we wished to move to, it was hard for anyone else to be negative. There are a few hurdles we will have to overcome, but all in all we were relieved with the responses from all his family. Many of them said that knowing us and the lifestyle we like, they are not surprised we would emigrate. Most of them just seemed relieved we weren't going as far as New Zealand! 
Now I have to face my family. I have been putting the discussion on the back burner for a bit as my Grandma just passed away, my aunt is seriously ill and my parents are in the process of separating and selling the family home.
I am a little worried that I might be heaping too much on people if I bring it up now, although I have been 'sowing the seeds' gently. We will see how it goes.
LL. x
Now I have to face my family. I have been putting the discussion on the back burner for a bit as my Grandma just passed away, my aunt is seriously ill and my parents are in the process of separating and selling the family home.
I am a little worried that I might be heaping too much on people if I bring it up now, although I have been 'sowing the seeds' gently. We will see how it goes.LL. x
Oct 26th 2009, 8:37 am
#65
Forum Regular
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 182
Re: Dealing with parents
When are you due move?[/QUOTE]
End of Feb...
End of Feb...
Oct 26th 2009, 10:26 am
#66
Forum Regular
Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 60
Re: Dealing with parents
Reading some of the posts in this thread, one would get the impression that Canada was a magical place which rubs people's lives with fairy dust, and makes everything okay. Never mind the long, gruelling process of applying; or, the large financial drain it will be; or, emotional drain it is on one's family. Everything will be just fine, because you're living by a river, and you get to go skiing. Who am I to disagree?
Oct 28th 2009, 8:38 pm
#67
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 2,113
Re: Dealing with parents
Reading some of the posts in this thread, one would get the impression that Canada was a magical place which rubs people's lives with fairy dust, and makes everything okay. Never mind the long, gruelling process of applying; or, the large financial drain it will be; or, emotional drain it is on one's family. Everything will be just fine, because you're living by a river, and you get to go skiing. Who am I to disagree?
Unfortunately my life in Canada is far from what you described, at this moment in time anyway, however I believe I can have a better quality of life when things settle down..... time will tell.....
Oct 28th 2009, 10:55 pm
#68
Forum Regular
Joined: May 2009
Location: Whitley Bay for a while.
Posts: 99
Re: Dealing with parents
I think someone cleverer than me reffered to it as same sh1t shinier bucket
I have just told my mother about my recce and that was bad enough
She was fine which is unnerving
Now my pa, this will be the hard one, only daughter and not great health. Keep focussing on th reason for it all.....the fairy dust
I have just told my mother about my recce and that was bad enough
She was fine which is unnerving Now my pa, this will be the hard one, only daughter and not great health. Keep focussing on th reason for it all.....the fairy dust
Oct 28th 2009, 11:00 pm
#69
finally together...
Joined: Oct 2008
Location: Prince George, BC
Posts: 811
Re: Dealing with parents
its probably best to get the ball rollingm on the emotional stuff early on, that way they might be over it before you get there... well i did say might.
Jan 6th 2010, 4:45 am
#70
Account Closed
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 95
Re: Dealing with parents
Well, my mum to be specific. We got back from our first NS recce a couple of weeks ago, and my mum arranged a big family get together so that we could tell everyone all about our trip and show people photos. We'd get a chinese takeaway so that she could look at all the photos rather than have to cook. This happened yesterday. It did not go as planned.
First she was intent on doing something else at the same time as we were looking at the photos, and after a while I could see she was getting upset and she left the room and didn't come back. My sister went after her and later said that yes, it was the emigration idea that had got her upset. There were a lot of photos, we looked at them for ages, and my mum never came back through. I talked to her a little before we headed home in the evening and she got upset again, saying that the idea of my emigrating just made her really miserable.
I am close to my family (mum dad brother sister) and I get on very well with them. It is hard to think of living somewhere else where they are not, but I know it is worth it, and I know speaking to them on the phone, webcam etc. will be fine. But we've not even applied and my mum is not dealing with it well. Does anyone have any experience of this, and any tips at all? I know every case is different but i thought talking about it early on, and showing lots of photos which show how nice NS is, was the best idea. I don't know now...I know she wants me to do well and be happy, but there now seems to be contigency of 'but in Scotland'. (I've tried the argument that we'd be as far away travel-time-wise if we moved to London, but that's obviously not sunk in).
I'd gratefully appreciate any advice....
First she was intent on doing something else at the same time as we were looking at the photos, and after a while I could see she was getting upset and she left the room and didn't come back. My sister went after her and later said that yes, it was the emigration idea that had got her upset. There were a lot of photos, we looked at them for ages, and my mum never came back through. I talked to her a little before we headed home in the evening and she got upset again, saying that the idea of my emigrating just made her really miserable.
I am close to my family (mum dad brother sister) and I get on very well with them. It is hard to think of living somewhere else where they are not, but I know it is worth it, and I know speaking to them on the phone, webcam etc. will be fine. But we've not even applied and my mum is not dealing with it well. Does anyone have any experience of this, and any tips at all?
I know every case is different but i thought talking about it early on, and showing lots of photos which show how nice NS is, was the best idea. I don't know now...I know she wants me to do well and be happy, but there now seems to be contigency of 'but in Scotland'. (I've tried the argument that we'd be as far away travel-time-wise if we moved to London, but that's obviously not sunk in). I'd gratefully appreciate any advice....
we kept busy renovating our house for the first 2 years and didn't notice the homesickness. It's really kicked in with ALL of us (teens included). There's no point in having a huge house and loads of land if you can't share it with loved ones. It was so easy to pop in and visit in the UK and we really miss that. But who am I to tell you what to do, we've had an experience and if we'd never come here we'd always be wondering "what if...?"
My mother always wants the best for us and it was selfless of her to "let us go" but she has said (now that we're returning) that it's a sort of bereavement.
Perhaps your parents can see that and also feel insulted that their flesh and blood is abandoning them in a way. Eye-cams are not a good enough replacement, believe me. I've often needed hugs and re-assurance and then there's the 5 hour difference so you can't always pick up the phone when you want because at 7pm your parents are in bed at midnight.
Jan 6th 2010, 5:09 am
#71
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Nov 2009
Location: Morgan Crossing, BC
Posts: 1,045
Re: Dealing with parents
Don't know how i missed this thread...my experience is as follows
Went to Canada for a 'holiday' in August 2009. Joked with my parents that we (hubby and 2 kids) might get a one way ticket. They actually joked that this wouldn't be a bad idea. No reason to stay here for us...my mum said. I thought great...I'm teeing this up nicely.
Went on holiday and came back but didn't see them properly until kids back at school. Unfortunately by the time I saw them, my daughter (9) told her pal we were going to Canada to live, her pal then runs to her mum(my pal) who then blabs to my dad...ooooops.
Frosty reception from parents, tears/snotters the lot. ''Do you realise the winters are really harsh?'' ''You'll come back with nothing'' ''your being selfish''
We cant talk about it now...its taboo. My son unfortunatly keeps reminding them by practicing his canadian accent
We are going back in August for 3 weeks for a proper reccy, look at property/schools etc, so I'll need to speak to them before soon. Really worried. I know I'll miss them, but I think they will miss us more, poor souls. Is that a reason to stay in the UK...Guilt?
Linsy
Went to Canada for a 'holiday' in August 2009. Joked with my parents that we (hubby and 2 kids) might get a one way ticket. They actually joked that this wouldn't be a bad idea. No reason to stay here for us...my mum said. I thought great...I'm teeing this up nicely.
Went on holiday and came back but didn't see them properly until kids back at school. Unfortunately by the time I saw them, my daughter (9) told her pal we were going to Canada to live, her pal then runs to her mum(my pal) who then blabs to my dad...ooooops.
Frosty reception from parents, tears/snotters the lot. ''Do you realise the winters are really harsh?'' ''You'll come back with nothing'' ''your being selfish''
We cant talk about it now...its taboo. My son unfortunatly keeps reminding them by practicing his canadian accent
We are going back in August for 3 weeks for a proper reccy, look at property/schools etc, so I'll need to speak to them before soon. Really worried. I know I'll miss them, but I think they will miss us more, poor souls. Is that a reason to stay in the UK...Guilt?
Linsy
Jan 6th 2010, 5:22 am
#72
SUPER MODERATOR
Joined: Oct 2007
Location: In a darkened room somewhere.............
Posts: 34,174
Jan 6th 2010, 5:27 am
#73
Account Closed
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 95
Re: Dealing with parents
Don't know how i missed this thread...my experience is as follows
Went to Canada for a 'holiday' in August 2009. Joked with my parents that we (hubby and 2 kids) might get a one way ticket. They actually joked that this wouldn't be a bad idea. No reason to stay here for us...my mum said. I thought great...I'm teeing this up nicely.
Went on holiday and came back but didn't see them properly until kids back at school. Unfortunately by the time I saw them, my daughter (9) told her pal we were going to Canada to live, her pal then runs to her mum(my pal) who then blabs to my dad...ooooops.
Frosty reception from parents, tears/snotters the lot. ''Do you realise the winters are really harsh?'' ''You'll come back with nothing'' ''your being selfish''
We cant talk about it now...its taboo. My son unfortunatly keeps reminding them by practicing his canadian accent
We are going back in August for 3 weeks for a proper reccy, look at property/schools etc, so I'll need to speak to them before soon. Really worried. I know I'll miss them, but I think they will miss us more, poor souls. Is that a reason to stay in the UK...Guilt?
Linsy
Went to Canada for a 'holiday' in August 2009. Joked with my parents that we (hubby and 2 kids) might get a one way ticket. They actually joked that this wouldn't be a bad idea. No reason to stay here for us...my mum said. I thought great...I'm teeing this up nicely.
Went on holiday and came back but didn't see them properly until kids back at school. Unfortunately by the time I saw them, my daughter (9) told her pal we were going to Canada to live, her pal then runs to her mum(my pal) who then blabs to my dad...ooooops.
Frosty reception from parents, tears/snotters the lot. ''Do you realise the winters are really harsh?'' ''You'll come back with nothing'' ''your being selfish''
We cant talk about it now...its taboo. My son unfortunatly keeps reminding them by practicing his canadian accent
We are going back in August for 3 weeks for a proper reccy, look at property/schools etc, so I'll need to speak to them before soon. Really worried. I know I'll miss them, but I think they will miss us more, poor souls. Is that a reason to stay in the UK...Guilt?
Linsy
Jan 6th 2010, 5:35 am
#74
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Nov 2009
Location: Morgan Crossing, BC
Posts: 1,045
Re: Dealing with parents
please think very carefully before breaking up family generations. the grass isn't greener, the money isn't as good, the cost of living is high compared to the average wage (if you can get a job) you can't just pop in and see Grandma the winters are 5 months long - the novelty of snow wears off. Why buy a cheap big house when you can't share it. we're returning in July to the UK as my Mum is ageing and I want to be there for her. what else is there to life?
I know what you are saying but we are not going for the snow or the big house. We are looking for a simpler, scaled down life. If I dont give it a go, I'll only regret it. I guess you only know how hard it will be, once you try it. There have been a few posts on the MBTTUK forum which brings reality into it, parents passing away whilst we are so far away. Such a big decision, which has not been taken lightly.
I hope everything goes well for you once you return. Really appreciate your thoughts.
lnsy
Jan 6th 2010, 5:58 am
#75
Account Closed
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 95
Re: Dealing with parents
Jan,
I know what you are saying but we are not going for the snow or the big house. We are looking for a simpler, scaled down life. If I dont give it a go, I'll only regret it. I guess you only know how hard it will be, once you try it. There have been a few posts on the MBTTUK forum which brings reality into it, parents passing away whilst we are so far away. Such a big decision, which has not been taken lightly.
I hope everything goes well for you once you return. Really appreciate your thoughts.
lnsy
I know what you are saying but we are not going for the snow or the big house. We are looking for a simpler, scaled down life. If I dont give it a go, I'll only regret it. I guess you only know how hard it will be, once you try it. There have been a few posts on the MBTTUK forum which brings reality into it, parents passing away whilst we are so far away. Such a big decision, which has not been taken lightly.
I hope everything goes well for you once you return. Really appreciate your thoughts.
lnsy
it's harder work - especially as we live in the country -
you have to check the well and that the water's purified and add salt when required. take a well water sample to the health centre for checking once or twice a year.
check that your propane tank's full for heat in the winter
roofs need re-shingling after so many years
snow needs to be shovelled
large areas of lawn to be mowed
distances to towns are 5 times further than UK
shops don't sell as much variety as ones in uk
food is quite expensive compared to wages (if you're lucky enough to get a job)
sights aren't as quaint
architecture isn't as picturesque
change winter snow tyres for summer ones
traffic louder cos of bigger engines
life's full of regrets and I wish you all the best in your decision. Jan
