thesidds

HELP!!! My mum has just sobbed down the phone begging me not to take her boys away!
When we first told her about our plans to emigrate she was suprisingly calm, I think she thought that it was all talk. But now we have sold our house and have a recce trip booked for May . . . .she's panicking.
I feel so cruel, she absolutely adores our two sons and currently see's them 2 or 3 times a week, being just 5 minutes down the road. My Dad has been very quiet with me for the past few weeks, but he is not a man of many words, Mum on the other hand will stamp her feet and scream if she doesn't get her own way!
I have tried to rationalise this in my own head - they are very computer literate so communication will not be a problem, they are both fit, in their early 60's and reasonably well off, so a couple of visits a year wouldn't be a problem. . . . . . . . . . . but I can't help but feel like a total bitch.

To make matters worse, we haven't even told my mother in law yet!

Any advice guys - I'm sure this is a common situation - how did you all cope with it?

Silverdragon102

I know it is hard but you have to do what is right for you. I know both my in-laws and parents would love us to stay in the UK but respect that we have to live our own lives. I am sure she will come round and she can always visit

poll72000

I told my parents that it might not work out and could be back within a few months to get them used to us being away and that if we don't try it we'll never know kind of speech (because you don't know for sure yourselves yet either) They seemed to lay off a bit then.
The in-laws were all for it.
We have been here over 3 years now and my parents have visited about 5 times and staying for over a month at a time. We have been over there
once. They have actually admitted that its the best thing for the kids being here.
Do what you want to do they will get used to it. Do you think your Mum and Dad never made a decision against their parents wishes ever?

Judy in Calgary

Yes, it's extremely common.

People tell you that your parents come round eventually. No, they don't always come round. We've been here for 31 years, and my parents-in-law bitched, complained and undermined us for most of that time. Well, my father-in-law stopped when he died in 2003. That shut him up. But, after she was widowed, my mother-in-law carried on.

And it's not even as if we were leaving from a relatively stable country like the UK. (I know that many people on here describe the UK as a basket case but, trust me, it's not yet a Third World country.) We came here from South Africa.

In the last few months, since my mother-in-law has been experiencing frequent power cuts, her criticism of Canada has diminished. But, during his weekly phone calls to her, my husband sometimes still hears snide remarks about the cold weather and snow.

The only thing that has come out of it, for me, is a long list of behaviours I should avoid when I'm a mother-in-law. I can only hope I'll remember the list.

Fortunately my mother, who had been a refugee from Hungary after the Second World War, and who could recognize trouble on the horizon, was supportive of our move. My late father wasn't happy about our move, but he didn't do anything to undermine it.

The thing that has kept us going through the decades of criticism from my parents-in-law is the knowledge that our kids have been born and raised in a safe country. In my eyes, their Canadian passports are more precious than gold.

Elaine B.

You know I was just reading on the Moving Back forum about some people's parents giving them a hard time for returning to the UK, sometimes it seems you just can't win no matter what you do

Judy in Calgary

Oh, that's hilarious. Well, I'm sure it's not funny for the people who are the brunt of the criticism. But it just goes to show how futile it is to arrange your life around other people's feelings and opinions, doesn't it?

Elaine B.

Exactly.

When I told my Mum and Dad we were moving to Canada (Montreal) they were very matter of fact about it. My Mum just said "well I never thought you'd stay here for the rest of your life". When we decided to move from Montreal to Toronto my MIL (she lives in Montreal) was really annoyed at us and gave us a really hard time (and we didn't even have kids at the time). Bloody families!!

gloveman

Your mum is losing her babies so bear with her but you are a grown woman yourself with a family so you have to do what you feel is right.
On the other hand, you've sold the house but not told your mother in law you're moving - that sounds a bit mean! Surely she deserves to be told as she is 'losing' her family too.

britsnake

I'm going through it with my dad at the moment. Since I told him, he's done nothing but try and undermine it. If the children go to visit him by themselves he spends the whole visit saying how awful Canada is and how its cold all the time and they will lose all their friends.

He tells me I'm ungrateful because I'm abandoning not just my family but also the country which has given me a great life. He cannot imagine why anyone would want to leave England.

I try and play it down saying that if it doesn't work out, I can always move back to England but then he plays the guilt card saying he may not last that long.

The funny thing is that he travelled a lot when he was young and has seen much of the world. He argues that he did that before he had a family and that I'm not being fair to the children. I'm his youngest child and he just doesn't want me to go. I can understand this, but it's still a pain.

chicagojlo

My mother saw my daughter twice in the 2 years we lived near her, and she threw a royal fit when we left. She hasn't actually spoken to me since but to be honest that is the way I like it. My MIL on the other hand saw her only grandchild and only child (my husband) on a monthly basis during that time. She was quite happy to give us her blessing, of course she is sad but she knows that we did the right thing. She cries on occasion on the phone but she cries when they're out of bread at Tesco. The last time she visited she cried at the airport that she might not live long enough to see us again (she's 50!) but all was forgotten once she got home.
The funny thing is that my mother did pretty much the equivalent when I was born, which was to move across the country and take her mother's only grandchild away. I reminded her of this fact and that she had been scorned for it but did it anyway.

live to ski

We came over post-Masters on the one year BUNAC WPs.

Then told parents that we had decided to stay "just one more year" because my boss had begged me, and for my parents success = happiness and something to talk to the Jones about!

We are now PRs. Not sure on how to tell them. Think I'll have to tell them about some amazing job in the public sector that I need to be a PR for.

Basically the softly softly approach.

They also came to stay last year and saw what an amazing life we have out here. And they are coming again in May doing a whole tour across Canada (oh to be retired!)

They live in Surrey. I lived in Manchester and Leeds so they barely ever saw me. Mother has started computer classes so she can email me. Mr L2S also gave them a great line after the first holiday of "I feel like I spent more time with you, and got to know you far more this holiday than I ever did in the UK" which went down very well, bless him!

I also have a policy of NEVER telling my parents what I am going to do, only what I have done, so they can't inferre.

But.......I am an only child of older parents. So all my parents friends are grandparents and my mother does feel that she is missing her next role in life by not being a grandmother yet. We'll have to see what happens when little L2S come along.

When my great uncle died my parents wanted us to have his flat for "when you come home". We advised them to sell because of the housing market bubble. I know they have my great aunts house in mind for us when she falls off her perch.

Parents-in-law on the other hand have 3 children. The other 2 still live in the same village with same small town attitudes. They are all just happy that they have somewhere amazing to come on holidays and that we are happy.

neekie

My Mum did exactly the same thing and started saying to my children, 'how can you leave nanny? I will be so sad!' You really have to be a bit selfish here and put you and your family first. My dad has been brilliant and said that we must do what we think is right for us and if he was 30 years younger, he would do it too! My Mum will come round eventually. We have webcams and phone calls are dirt cheap so she will probably speak to us all more when we are in Canada then she would if we were in the UK. Life is too short and we really need to go for it. If you think it will be the best move, I believe you have to go for it!

live to ski

Flip it back at them

Tell them that if they had of been braver and done the deed when they were younger you'd all be over here together!

Also I think the PR process was a lot easier 30 years ago!

neekie

Very true! We are in it for the long haul and have been told it could be another 3 years before we hear anything from CHC. On the job hunt though to try and speed things up.

beaumonts

just got off the phone with my mother- heres the problem

our move is only a few weeks away and she has now told me that she will not be visiting us EVER coz she just cant cope with the goodbyes.

She is not happy at all and I am feeling really bad about it.