Because I am a Man!
Mar 1st 2006, 11:33 pm
#1
BE Forum Addict
Thread Starter
Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 3,015
Because I am a Man!
Got this off Charles Adler's website:
Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire long after hypothermia has set in. The CAA is not an option. I will win.
Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other , "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't, know where to start." We will then drink beer and break wind as a form of holy communion.
Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.
Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism (F.Y.I. guys, cumin is a spice and not a bodily function).
Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much, once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator) ..... applies to engineers mainly.
Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex, cars, or hockey. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.
Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or Think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.
Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't ... and if you are feeling amorous afterwards ... then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.
Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2006, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry , the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest ...... like wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.
This has been a public service message for Women to better understand Men
Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire long after hypothermia has set in. The CAA is not an option. I will win.
Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other , "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't, know where to start." We will then drink beer and break wind as a form of holy communion.
Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.
Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism (F.Y.I. guys, cumin is a spice and not a bodily function).
Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much, once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator) ..... applies to engineers mainly.
Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex, cars, or hockey. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.
Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or Think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.
Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't ... and if you are feeling amorous afterwards ... then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.
Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2006, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry , the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest ...... like wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.
This has been a public service message for Women to better understand Men
Mar 2nd 2006, 12:29 am
#2
Slightly Canadian
Joined: Jul 2005
Location: St. John's, Newfoundland
Posts: 10,129
An alternative point of view....
25 things that prove you're a Man
1, OPENING JARS - nnng, she's struggling. You take it from
her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it
for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work.
2, CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even
saying it to kids makes you the man.
3, DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks? Gay.
A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game,
simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.
4, SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is
it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, you think I can't
whittle.
5, GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving,
lifting and - as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another
huge pile of other rubbish - noisy destruction.
6, DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging
your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid
movement.. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's
go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch
up with you. God, you're hard.
7, HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.
8, HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but
even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".
9, HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds
have been partying they just whinge. You, on the other hand
have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your
face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like.
10, NODDING AT COPPERS - A moments eye contact is all it
takes for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen
eye to eye in the past", it says, "but someone's got to keep
the little scrotes in line".
11, USING POWER TOOLS - slightly more powerful than you
need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.
12, KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR -
Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stitch that becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.
13, ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE... and everyone cheers you. It
doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are
pissed. However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.
14, NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - fat is a feminist issue,
apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.
15, CARVING THE ROAST - and saying "are you a leg or
breast man" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing" to the
women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.
16, WINKING - turns women to putty. Doesn't it?
17, TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - ideally, B&Q would have little
changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged
you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.
18, TAKING OUT #300 FROM A CASHPOINT - okay, so its for
paying the plumber but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.
19, PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - unlike
birds, we get straight to the point. "alright? Yep. Drink? Red
lion? George, it is then. Seven.. See ya."
20, PARALLEL PARKING - bosh, straight in. first time. Can
Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse
gear which, technically, makes you the worlds best driver.
21, HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men
have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's
over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with
one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a
foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.
22, HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU -
especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing
much, just a brain haemorrhage".
23, KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "a Phillips? For that? Are you
mad, bint?"
24, TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - a visual code that
says that's right, i'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized s***.
25, CALLING YOUR MATE A ****** - and punching him on the
shoulder. Just a man's way of saying "you're a good mate; I
missed you while you were in hospital".
1, OPENING JARS - nnng, she's struggling. You take it from
her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it
for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work.
2, CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even
saying it to kids makes you the man.
3, DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks? Gay.
A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game,
simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.
4, SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is
it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, you think I can't
whittle.
5, GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving,
lifting and - as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another
huge pile of other rubbish - noisy destruction.
6, DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging
your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid
movement.. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's
go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch
up with you. God, you're hard.
7, HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.
8, HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but
even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".
9, HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds
have been partying they just whinge. You, on the other hand
have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your
face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like.
10, NODDING AT COPPERS - A moments eye contact is all it
takes for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen
eye to eye in the past", it says, "but someone's got to keep
the little scrotes in line".
11, USING POWER TOOLS - slightly more powerful than you
need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.
12, KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR -
Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stitch that becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.
13, ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE... and everyone cheers you. It
doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are
pissed. However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.
14, NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - fat is a feminist issue,
apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.
15, CARVING THE ROAST - and saying "are you a leg or
breast man" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing" to the
women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.
16, WINKING - turns women to putty. Doesn't it?
17, TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - ideally, B&Q would have little
changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged
you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.
18, TAKING OUT #300 FROM A CASHPOINT - okay, so its for
paying the plumber but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.
19, PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - unlike
birds, we get straight to the point. "alright? Yep. Drink? Red
lion? George, it is then. Seven.. See ya."
20, PARALLEL PARKING - bosh, straight in. first time. Can
Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse
gear which, technically, makes you the worlds best driver.
21, HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men
have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's
over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with
one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a
foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.
22, HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU -
especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing
much, just a brain haemorrhage".
23, KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "a Phillips? For that? Are you
mad, bint?"
24, TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - a visual code that
says that's right, i'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized s***.
25, CALLING YOUR MATE A ****** - and punching him on the
shoulder. Just a man's way of saying "you're a good mate; I
missed you while you were in hospital".
Mar 2nd 2006, 12:32 am
#3
Lost in BE Cyberspace
Joined: Jul 2004
Location: Victoria, BC Canada
Posts: 61,698
Re: An alternative point of view....
[QUOTE=Atlantic Xpat]25 things that prove you're a Man
Be paid millions of dollars every year to play hockey in the NHL, be considered world class athletes, yet not be able to win any lousy hockey games in the olympics and have everyone make excuses for you!
How tolerant would everyone have been if the girls had played as badly?
Be paid millions of dollars every year to play hockey in the NHL, be considered world class athletes, yet not be able to win any lousy hockey games in the olympics and have everyone make excuses for you!
How tolerant would everyone have been if the girls had played as badly?
Mar 2nd 2006, 12:34 am
#4
Slightly Canadian
Joined: Jul 2005
Location: St. John's, Newfoundland
Posts: 10,129
Re: An alternative point of view....
[QUOTE=willmore]
To quote a young lady at St. John's airport earlier this week to welcome back the Newfoundland gold medal winning curling team (oh yeah, I think they represented the mainland as well 
)....'anyone can play hockey, real men curl!'
Originally Posted by Atlantic Xpat
25 things that prove you're a Man
Be paid millions of dollars every year to play hockey in the NHL, be considered world class athletes, yet not be able to win any lousy hockey games in the olympics and have everyone make excuses for you!
How tolerant would everyone have been if the girls had played as badly?
Be paid millions of dollars every year to play hockey in the NHL, be considered world class athletes, yet not be able to win any lousy hockey games in the olympics and have everyone make excuses for you!
How tolerant would everyone have been if the girls had played as badly?
)....'anyone can play hockey, real men curl!'
Mar 2nd 2006, 12:39 am
#5
Lost in BE Cyberspace
Joined: Jul 2004
Location: Victoria, BC Canada
Posts: 61,698
Re: An alternative point of view....
[QUOTE=Atlantic Xpat]
To quote a young lady at St. John's airport earlier this week to welcome back the Newfoundland gold medal winning curling team (oh yeah, I think they represented the mainland as well )....'anyone can play hockey, real men curl!'
Shhhhh.....we dont want souvenir to get too excited at his age! You know what happens when men curling on ice is mentioned! 
Originally Posted by willmore
To quote a young lady at St. John's airport earlier this week to welcome back the Newfoundland gold medal winning curling team (oh yeah, I think they represented the mainland as well
)....'anyone can play hockey, real men curl!'
Mar 2nd 2006, 12:43 am
#6
Vi
Joined: Jul 2005
Location: Prince Edward Island
Posts: 343
Re: Because I am a Man!
Originally Posted by lizwil98
Got this off Charles Adler's website:
Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire long after hypothermia has set in. The CAA is not an option. I will win.
Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other , "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't, know where to start." We will then drink beer and break wind as a form of holy communion.
Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.
Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism (F.Y.I. guys, cumin is a spice and not a bodily function).
Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much, once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator) ..... applies to engineers mainly.
Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex, cars, or hockey. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.
Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or Think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.
Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't ... and if you are feeling amorous afterwards ... then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.
Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2006, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry , the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest ...... like wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.
This has been a public service message for Women to better understand Men
Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire long after hypothermia has set in. The CAA is not an option. I will win.
Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other , "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't, know where to start." We will then drink beer and break wind as a form of holy communion.
Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.
Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism (F.Y.I. guys, cumin is a spice and not a bodily function).
Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much, once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator) ..... applies to engineers mainly.
Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex, cars, or hockey. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.
Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or Think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.
Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't ... and if you are feeling amorous afterwards ... then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.
Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2006, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry , the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest ...... like wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.
This has been a public service message for Women to better understand Men
Why are womens problems caused by men?
Its in the name i guess:Men...struation pain
Men...opause
Men..tal breakdown
Man..ic depression
Man...ipulation
Mani..acal
I rest my case............................................
Mar 2nd 2006, 7:01 am
#7
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 7,715
Re: An alternative point of view....
Originally Posted by Atlantic Xpat
25 things that prove you're a Man .
... well I'm off to scratch my nuts!
Mar 2nd 2006, 9:36 am
#8
Happily hungover
Joined: Sep 2005
Location: Runcorn, via Africa and parts unknown.
Posts: 2,447
Re: An alternative point of view....
Originally Posted by Atlantic Xpat
25 things that prove you're a Man .......
Mar 2nd 2006, 10:54 am
#9
Lost in BE Cyberspace
Joined: Jul 2004
Location: Victoria, BC Canada
Posts: 61,698
Re: An alternative point of view....
Originally Posted by 1066
Yeah, ain't it great to be macho! And I have my wifes permission to say so!!
Mar 2nd 2006, 11:08 am
#10
Happily hungover
Joined: Sep 2005
Location: Runcorn, via Africa and parts unknown.
Posts: 2,447
Re: An alternative point of view....
Originally Posted by willmore
I like a man who knows his place!
Mar 2nd 2006, 1:40 pm
#11
Moderαtor Emeritus
Joined: Sep 2003
Location: Upstate South Carolina
Posts: 30,768
Re: Because I am a Man!
Originally Posted by lizwil98
Got this off Charles Adler's website:
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator) ..... applies to engineers mainly.
Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
This has been a public service message for Women to better understand Men
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator) ..... applies to engineers mainly.
Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
This has been a public service message for Women to better understand Men
If I posted a similarly inaccurate portrayal of women I'm sure someone would accused me of sexism
Last edited by iaink; Mar 2nd 2006 at 1:44 pm.
Mar 2nd 2006, 1:41 pm
#12
Moderαtor Emeritus
Joined: Sep 2003
Location: Upstate South Carolina
Posts: 30,768
Re: An alternative point of view....
Originally Posted by Atlantic Xpat
25 things that prove you're a Man
1, OPENING JARS - nnng, she's struggling. You take it from
her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it
for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work.
2, CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even
saying it to kids makes you the man.
3, DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks? Gay.
A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game,
simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.
4, SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is
it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, you think I can't
whittle.
5, GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving,
lifting and - as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another
huge pile of other rubbish - noisy destruction.
6, DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging
your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid
movement.. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's
go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch
up with you. God, you're hard.
7, HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.
8, HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but
even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".
9, HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds
have been partying they just whinge. You, on the other hand
have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your
face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like.
10, NODDING AT COPPERS - A moments eye contact is all it
takes for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen
eye to eye in the past", it says, "but someone's got to keep
the little scrotes in line".
11, USING POWER TOOLS - slightly more powerful than you
need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.
12, KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR -
Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stitch that becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.
13, ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE... and everyone cheers you. It
doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are
pissed. However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.
14, NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - fat is a feminist issue,
apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.
15, CARVING THE ROAST - and saying "are you a leg or
breast man" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing" to the
women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.
16, WINKING - turns women to putty. Doesn't it?
17, TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - ideally, B&Q would have little
changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged
you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.
18, TAKING OUT #300 FROM A CASHPOINT - okay, so its for
paying the plumber but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.
19, PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - unlike
birds, we get straight to the point. "alright? Yep. Drink? Red
lion? George, it is then. Seven.. See ya."
20, PARALLEL PARKING - bosh, straight in. first time. Can
Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse
gear which, technically, makes you the worlds best driver.
21, HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men
have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's
over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with
one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a
foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.
22, HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU -
especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing
much, just a brain haemorrhage".
23, KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "a Phillips? For that? Are you
mad, bint?"
24, TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - a visual code that
says that's right, i'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized s***.
25, CALLING YOUR MATE A ****** - and punching him on the
shoulder. Just a man's way of saying "you're a good mate; I
missed you while you were in hospital".
1, OPENING JARS - nnng, she's struggling. You take it from
her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it
for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work.
2, CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even
saying it to kids makes you the man.
3, DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks? Gay.
A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game,
simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.
4, SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is
it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, you think I can't
whittle.
5, GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving,
lifting and - as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another
huge pile of other rubbish - noisy destruction.
6, DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging
your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid
movement.. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's
go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch
up with you. God, you're hard.
7, HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.
8, HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but
even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".
9, HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds
have been partying they just whinge. You, on the other hand
have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your
face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like.
10, NODDING AT COPPERS - A moments eye contact is all it
takes for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen
eye to eye in the past", it says, "but someone's got to keep
the little scrotes in line".
11, USING POWER TOOLS - slightly more powerful than you
need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.
12, KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR -
Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stitch that becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.
13, ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE... and everyone cheers you. It
doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are
pissed. However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.
14, NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - fat is a feminist issue,
apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.
15, CARVING THE ROAST - and saying "are you a leg or
breast man" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing" to the
women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.
16, WINKING - turns women to putty. Doesn't it?
17, TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - ideally, B&Q would have little
changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged
you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.
18, TAKING OUT #300 FROM A CASHPOINT - okay, so its for
paying the plumber but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.
19, PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - unlike
birds, we get straight to the point. "alright? Yep. Drink? Red
lion? George, it is then. Seven.. See ya."
20, PARALLEL PARKING - bosh, straight in. first time. Can
Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse
gear which, technically, makes you the worlds best driver.
21, HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men
have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's
over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with
one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a
foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.
22, HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU -
especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing
much, just a brain haemorrhage".
23, KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "a Phillips? For that? Are you
mad, bint?"
24, TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - a visual code that
says that's right, i'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized s***.
25, CALLING YOUR MATE A ****** - and punching him on the
shoulder. Just a man's way of saying "you're a good mate; I
missed you while you were in hospital".
Mar 2nd 2006, 3:07 pm
#13
Lost in BE Cyberspace
Joined: Jul 2004
Location: Victoria, BC Canada
Posts: 61,698
Re: An alternative point of view....
Originally Posted by 1066
But I refuse to get barefoot and pregnant!!!
I understand....men could never cope with the pain of childbirth!
Mar 2nd 2006, 3:12 pm
#14
Lost in BE Cyberspace
Joined: Jul 2004
Location: Victoria, BC Canada
Posts: 61,698
Re: Because I am a Man!
Originally Posted by iaink
These are the only two I will admit too, so I'm not sure its strictly accurate info thats getting passed on.
If I posted a similarly inaccurate portrayal of women I'm sure someone would accused me of sexism
If I posted a similarly inaccurate portrayal of women I'm sure someone would accused me of sexism
As with every man who admits to being close to perfect!
Mar 2nd 2006, 3:21 pm
#15
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 9,606
Re: An alternative point of view....
[QUOTE=willmore]
Shhhhh.....we dont want souvenir to get too excited at his age! You know what happens when men curling on ice is mentioned!
It's struck me, and with some horror, that the Commonwealth Games are coming up very soon. That'll set you off again, won't it?
Originally Posted by Atlantic Xpat
Shhhhh.....we dont want souvenir to get too excited at his age! You know what happens when men curling on ice is mentioned!