poll72000

Hi
I was going to reply on Mandimoo's thread but as i was writing, my reply was getting longer and longer!! so i didn't want to hi-jack it.

Just gone through the same experience here as Mandi moo, not with us though with friends that came over on PNP, they were truly excited about coming over they sold everything and were never going back! We offered to put them up until they found somewhere which they did but they seemed reluctant to find anything. They went through the motions of looking but there was always something stopping them.
Then one day he OH said he wants to go home this was within a few weeks of arriving, talk about shocked!! he said he didn't like his job, he felt terrible that he had taken the children away from their Grandparents and generally didn't feel like he could settle here. His wife was doing fine getting stuck into activities with the kids and getting into the way of life. But over the weeks you could see that he was just pulling her down, we talked and talked about everything they had done and why they came in the first place, friends spoke to them and said they were panicking and needed to give it more time, he listened but you could see it wasn't getting through. Wait for PR and then at least you have a couple of years to come back if you change your mind. But no! Their furniture arrived but he wouldn't get it delivered. He said it would be easier to go back now and pick up where he left off before having anything here to make him stay longer like a house etc.
His wife said she could "make him stay" but could she live with herself?? watching him being miserable all the time?
The atmosphere in our house was terrible no-one knew what to say or do.
As the weeks went by we were taking them all over the place having great days out doing everything possible to help him "see" what there was to offer for them as a family. But he was just waiting for his wife to say ok lets go home. In the end she did and they went last week they were here for 12 weeks in the end but i think in his mind he had left 10 weeks ago.
We have been here for nearly 3 years now and everyone who has done this knows it takes at least 6 months to just get things going, like house, cars, banking and then getting used to the area and then another 6 to familiarise yourself with the way of life here and to overcome the waves of homesickness.
I will grant everyone the for giving it a go. When you come here you have already done the hardest part of immigration by leaving. You will get people saying "well at least you tried and thousands wouldn't" stuff but to be totally truthful to give it only a few months is B****ks, what's the point of coming they haven't "tried" anything they've just had a long holiday!!
If you look back and work out how long it took you to come to this decision to emmergrate in the first place, put everything in order to get here i bet you it was longer than 3 months!! It takes you 3 months to wind down off the rollercoaster you have just been on. Of course you panick and think its easier to go back to what you know, we thought the same.
We are going back for the first time this Christmas as it has made me feel really unsettled, i want to confirm to myself that we did the right thing and also to see family of course. My father told me not to waste my money and to go to Hawaii instead for the same price maybe next year!.
So if you see some mad Brit racing round M&S in the Knicker dep its me !!

Beebop

You were extremely kind to house them but do you think that not getting their "own" place (obviously not your idea) to settle into didn't help?

It takes ages to settle into a new house in a new area, even if it isn't "abroad"...

Good post!

Tuppence

I read that really quickly, and i could have sworn it said "if you see some mad Brit racing round the M25 in just their knickers"

On a serious note, thanks for sharing the story. I think people just need to do what makes them happy. It may seem insane to us, but it doesn't mean that we have made the wrong decision in staying. Sometimes people get a bit defensive when others leave, as they see it as something is 'wrong' about Canada.

R2D2

My hubby too, was all over the place when we first landed. In my mind he was being irrational, but he couldn't help himself. He would have jumped straight back on a plane to the UK given half a chance.
It wasn't that we didn't know what we were getting into, as we'd been here a few times, he'd got a great job lined up ready to begin 2 weeks later...........it was just the overwhelming emotions, the "OH my God, what have we done", the guilt at taking our little boy out of a lovely school, the emotional farewells and the worry over wether things would all work out. We left a reasonably comfy life in Cheshire.
Luckily, I had my sensible, in control head on, managed to talk him around to giving himself time, not expecting too much too soon, blah,blah, blah, and thankfully things settled down.
12 months later it was my turn to have the wobbles, then his turn again............and it continues. It really is a rollercoaster for some people, but you need time. Time to know wether you can really make a life for yourselves here. Obviously, if huge obstacle get in the way, then it becomes more difficult and you pine for the familiarity of what you had, that must be hard. We were lucky. Things went well.
2 yrs on we still don't know if its forever. Just making the most of our time here now, and not looking ahead too much.
We had our first trip back to the UK this summer, and that has actually helped us to feel more settled here now. So Hubby finally was 'allowed' to go and buy his whopping flat screen TV, which was on hold until we knew we were staying for a good while at least.

Piff Poff

Reading these posts with people having the wobbles makes me realise what an easy time WE as a family have had in setiling.

Yes we have had a bit of homesickness - the worst for me was when Mum was diagnosed with cancer and nearly didn't make it through the op' - almost fully recovered now, 18 months on and I still haven't seen her.

Our decision to come to Canada was really relaxed. Shall we move to another country? OK which one? Uh how about Canada? Yeah OK lets put the paperwork in and have a trip over.

Of course it was a little more involved than that, but we all knew that this was right for us. So I really feel for those of you that do struggle with various things like homesickness and job disatisfaction.

I suppose I just want to send my best wishes to all of you that aren't quite sure why you've done what you've done!

MB-Realtor

I was lucky and never went through this Pull-Push problem, as for the first two years here I was going back and forwards to the UK every 2-3 weeks, I could compare at first hand and felt Canada was much better than the UK in so many ways.

My Wife, on the other hand, was 6 years before she went back, before her return everything in the UK was "better" than Canada, she was home sick. Then she went back to the UK and rapidly changed here mind . She has been back 2 or 3 times since then and now feels that Canada is Home, but the UK is still a nice place to visit.

GavinR

You have to give it at least 12 months. Never had any homesickness but it's still a hassle getting the hang of all the changes.

There is of course the view that if someone gives up so quickly then moving to Canada wasn't right for them in the first place.

acer rose

I can see both sides of this as we previously moved overseas on a temporary visa with a view to possibly making things permanent if we liked it.

I am rather shocked at how little time your friends actually spent living here. On the other hand, being on a temporary visa was very unsettling (for me) as we could not make definite plans for the long term future. After the first couple of weeks, when the novelty of living in a very different place (and climate) wore off, I found that I did not want to make long term plans to stay. I knew within three months that I could not see myself integrating (changing my values and personality to "fit" in this case!!) - for me that was the acid test of whether I wanted the move to be permanent - but we stayed for two years anyway. MOH would have stayed in a heartbeat as the career prospects there far outweighed anything on offer elsewhere. Career was sacrificed for happiness in the end. I enjoyed the experience (once we made the decision to make our time there temporary) and still have friends from that time. I even go back to visit, and thoroughly enjoy visiting.

I am pleased to say that coming to Canada has been a very different experience so far. I still feel positive and we are happier now than we have been for quite a few years. Coastal BC balances out everything we want in our lives at present. If that changes in the future we will move on with no regrets.

It is very difficult when there is a split decision and what helped us was (a) putting in place a definite timetable for review and (b) compromise for the sake of our relationship. Good luck to those who are struggling with uncertainties.

Purley

I heard a story from friends who emigrated here. They knew another couple. If she comes on the board still I apologize because I have probably got the story all wrong, but it goes something like this. They decided to emigrate because they had two kids. Daycare in England was too expensive and so the husband worked days and the wife worked nights. So they never got to see one another.

They moved over here. They bought a house, two expensive vehicles, big TV etc. etc. and then within three months - they were moving back --- and she was pregnant!

I could not understand it. The amount of money they must have spent coming here. The money they lost selling their house, paying real estate commission, selling the cars etc. etc. and then - they could not manage in the UK with two children - and now they were going to have three!!

My sister lives in Vancouver - has been there 30 years. She moved on her own 30 years ago. She said that she made herself stay a year. She hated it quite a bit of the time, but she made that pact that she would give it at least a year. And she is still here.

To me its the financial loss in going back too quickly. I remember the woman who went back within three months used to come on this board. Someone suggested that she take the children to a play group at a church, even if she didnt go to that church, at least she would meet some other young mothers. And her response was something along the lines of "everyone is a Jehovas Witness in Regina".

Well, what a load of bunk. I dont know anyone who is a JW. (The last time they came ringing my doorbell I was sitting on the sofa on the phone. I just looked at them ringing the bell, went on with my phone call and totally ignored them. They havent been back since!!)

ann m

Whilst we have only been here three months, I should hate to go back any time soon ! Myself and the girls are settling in well, hubby is too, but he is having 'issues' with his working life and career. And as he is likely to be working in a full-time capacity for at least another 15 years, he needs to like what he is doing. He has been extremely lucky previously and has always pretty much loved his job and has never thought 'God, I don't want to go in today'.

If I multiply his odd whinge and negative comment twenty-fold, I too would be worn down. It's already a little unsettling. We have specifically said we would re-examine everything in 18-24 months. That, to us, would be 'giving it a damn good go'.

But even having now voiced that timescale out loud, I already occasionally think about whether it's worth painting this, doing up that or buying such-and-such. I view most things as to whether they will be 'worth' it in the long run, ie, if we have to sell up. If we did return to the UK, it would be to a distinct financial disadvantage, and all my big Canadian stuff will not fit in a three bed semi - which is what things would equate to.

Do I wear hubby down with the 'but everything else outside of work is great'? I would certainly not wish to stick at a job I wasn't enjoying, even to some degree. It's a lot of hours out of your life afterall. Do I say 'tough matey, welcome to the real world!?'

The OP has witnessed first hand how one family dealt with it. We have all witnessed our own little family unit go through all sorts of emotions during this upheaval. And we each have our own limits, breaking points, and that final little 'something' that will tip the scales one way or the other.
So apart from my navel, I am left to examine what ours would be
My marriage is ultimately the most important thing to me.

Flossie and Jim

I wouldn't bother - I just went to get my special immigration stash of undies and the quality has really gone downhill!!! Don't know where I'm going to get a decent supply of undies to ride out the Calgary winter!
Flossie

Steve_P

Hopefully this will change when he gets out of the training mode and actually starts doing the job.

All the best to you all Ann.

Cheers
Steve

Cookie

Hi Poll72000 - that must have been a very difficult time in your household. I do often wonder if a partner emigrates to please the other partner. I don't mean someone who is a little hesitant, but someone who has a strong gut feeling 'not to do it'. These people may be the ones who want to turnaround quickly and go back home without giving a good shot of it.

Emigration is not for everyone. I am really glad that we have all settled in well. Eight months here and none of us have been homesick so far. Of course I miss my friends and familiar things but we have webcam and email so its not so bad.

What I am scared of is, if and when, any of us will be struck down by homesickness. Must be one of the worst feelings ever.

We are currently waiting for our passports to be returned from CHC London with our PR visa in them. We will then have to leave Canada and re-enter to validate the Visa. We actually have Air Canada tickets to fly back to the UK in Oct. They are the second half of our return tickets we purchased to emigrate here in Jan (return ticket cheaper than one-way). All we need to buy is a cheapie Zoom flight back to NS but I am scared that 'it rocks the boat' with our emotions so am reluctant to use them. It was bad enough saying goodbye to everyone in Jan without doing it again so soon. Therefore, we are probably going to drive to Maine, USA to validate our Visa instead of going 'home'.

nursemakeyouwell

Not quite the same, but similar, was when my husband decided to jack in his job as a young adult, before I knew him, and go travelling. First stop was Camp america, looking after kids during their summer vacation in Philadelphia. What was to be a 3 month stint there, followed by an action packed adventure around the states, turned out, withing a fortnight, to be a homesick rollercoaster, which led him to quit after just under 3 weeks, go back home, beg his old boss for his job back, and remain in that vain for years to come.

And here we are thinking about doing somethign similar only 100times bigger, with 10000times more at stake. No wonder poeple have second thoughts........

poll72000

Maybe we were too kind in letting them stay with us for such a long time we have thought about that, but these were our friends and we wanted to make the transition easier for them.
When i look back i should have told them they could be with us for a month and then their on their own. This i think was part of the problem they didn't want to buy "stuff" in case they wanted to go back. So in my view they were never really here in the first place. They did give themselves a time frame it went from 2 years down to 1 then lets give it till Christmas then end of Summer to next week!! i suggested going back for a visit to discuss their issues with their family but that was no good. Every suggestion we gave every little hiccup they encountered was like the end of the world to him. Ok he wasn't happy in work but when he had PR he could have moved jobs, he had a damn good job earning the same amount as he was in England, he even said he can't see himself getting by on $100K a year

What i can't understand is why he suddenly changed from being all for it, selling everything, coming over and saying that they'll never go back and wanting to be here 100% then to say nope i'm going home. It's just odd.
I spoke with my friend this morning and she said they feel like it has been just a long holiday. They have a long road ahead of them again, they are drifting between relatives spare rooms, two at one house and two at the other until they move into a rental in 4 weeks with no furniture until theirs arrives in around 8 weeks. They are even having trouble getting their child in school they have to wait and see if someone doesn't turn up so she can have a place!

My heart goes out to my friend who tried so hard to make him stay longer. She spent a lot of time in Canada when small, so she already had a feel for it already. I admire her for standing by her man and i also hope it doesn't come to haunt them in later years. She knows it wasn't long enough and has said she'll regret that.

In a weird way i am glad they have gone, a huge weight has been lifted from our family spending so many weeks tip-toeing around trying not to upset anyone. I am happy again and pleased with what we've achieved here. We are so much more better off here than we were at home which was our goal and in that i am proud.