And yet more Friday funnies...
Mar 10th 2006, 2:21 am
#1
Thread Starter
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 1,347
And yet more Friday funnies...
....been around before but still amusing.
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Snappy Answer #1
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."
Snappy Answer #2
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
Snappy Answer #3
The copper got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
Snappy Answer #4
A lorry driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "Low Bridge Ahead."
Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, uh?"
The lorry driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of diesel."
Snappy Answer #5
A crowded Virgin Airlines flight was cancelled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be "FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please," she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.
"We have a passenger here at Gate 14 who does not know who he is". "If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14".With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "F*** you!" Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that, too."
And the BEST snappy answers ....
Snappy Answer #6
THE TEACHER Snappy Answer OF THE YEAR
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam."Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass chap in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire classdoes its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at
the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I think you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
A wealthy playboy met a beautiful young girl in an exclusive lounge. He took her up to his lavish apartment where he soon discovered she was not a tramp, but was well groomed and apparently very intelligent. Hoping to impress her, he began showing her his collection of expensive paintings, first editions of famous authors and offered her a glass of wine.
He asked her if she preferred Port or Sherry and she said, "Oh, Sherry by all means. To me it is the nectar of the gods. Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation. When the stopper is removed and the delicate liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the
enchanting aroma and I'm lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It seems as though I'm about to drink a magic potion and my whole being begins to glow. The sounds of a thousand violins being softly played fills my ears and I am transported into another world."
"On the other hand, Port makes me fart."
----------------------------------------
Snappy Answer #1
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."
Snappy Answer #2
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
Snappy Answer #3
The copper got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
Snappy Answer #4
A lorry driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "Low Bridge Ahead."
Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, uh?"
The lorry driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of diesel."
Snappy Answer #5
A crowded Virgin Airlines flight was cancelled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be "FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please," she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.
"We have a passenger here at Gate 14 who does not know who he is". "If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14".With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "F*** you!" Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that, too."
And the BEST snappy answers ....
Snappy Answer #6
THE TEACHER Snappy Answer OF THE YEAR
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam."Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass chap in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire classdoes its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at
the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I think you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
A wealthy playboy met a beautiful young girl in an exclusive lounge. He took her up to his lavish apartment where he soon discovered she was not a tramp, but was well groomed and apparently very intelligent. Hoping to impress her, he began showing her his collection of expensive paintings, first editions of famous authors and offered her a glass of wine.
He asked her if she preferred Port or Sherry and she said, "Oh, Sherry by all means. To me it is the nectar of the gods. Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation. When the stopper is removed and the delicate liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the
enchanting aroma and I'm lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It seems as though I'm about to drink a magic potion and my whole being begins to glow. The sounds of a thousand violins being softly played fills my ears and I am transported into another world."
"On the other hand, Port makes me fart."
Mar 10th 2006, 8:26 am
#2
Tribu dei Chihuahua
Joined: Oct 2004
Location: Port Kennedy -near the dolphins
Posts: 1,414
Re: And yet more Friday funnies...
Originally Posted by Bella Donna
....been around before but still amusing.
----------------------------------------
Snappy Answer #1
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."
Snappy Answer #2
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
Snappy Answer #3
The copper got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
Snappy Answer #4
A lorry driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "Low Bridge Ahead."
Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, uh?"
The lorry driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of diesel."
Snappy Answer #5
A crowded Virgin Airlines flight was cancelled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be "FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please," she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.
"We have a passenger here at Gate 14 who does not know who he is". "If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14".With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "F*** you!" Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that, too."
And the BEST snappy answers ....
Snappy Answer #6
THE TEACHER Snappy Answer OF THE YEAR
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam."Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass chap in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire classdoes its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at
the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I think you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
A wealthy playboy met a beautiful young girl in an exclusive lounge. He took her up to his lavish apartment where he soon discovered she was not a tramp, but was well groomed and apparently very intelligent. Hoping to impress her, he began showing her his collection of expensive paintings, first editions of famous authors and offered her a glass of wine.
He asked her if she preferred Port or Sherry and she said, "Oh, Sherry by all means. To me it is the nectar of the gods. Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation. When the stopper is removed and the delicate liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the
enchanting aroma and I'm lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It seems as though I'm about to drink a magic potion and my whole being begins to glow. The sounds of a thousand violins being softly played fills my ears and I am transported into another world."
"On the other hand, Port makes me fart."
----------------------------------------
Snappy Answer #1
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."
Snappy Answer #2
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
Snappy Answer #3
The copper got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
Snappy Answer #4
A lorry driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "Low Bridge Ahead."
Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, uh?"
The lorry driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of diesel."
Snappy Answer #5
A crowded Virgin Airlines flight was cancelled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be "FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please," she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.
"We have a passenger here at Gate 14 who does not know who he is". "If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14".With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "F*** you!" Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that, too."
And the BEST snappy answers ....
Snappy Answer #6
THE TEACHER Snappy Answer OF THE YEAR
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam."Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass chap in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire classdoes its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at
the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I think you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
A wealthy playboy met a beautiful young girl in an exclusive lounge. He took her up to his lavish apartment where he soon discovered she was not a tramp, but was well groomed and apparently very intelligent. Hoping to impress her, he began showing her his collection of expensive paintings, first editions of famous authors and offered her a glass of wine.
He asked her if she preferred Port or Sherry and she said, "Oh, Sherry by all means. To me it is the nectar of the gods. Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation. When the stopper is removed and the delicate liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the
enchanting aroma and I'm lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It seems as though I'm about to drink a magic potion and my whole being begins to glow. The sounds of a thousand violins being softly played fills my ears and I am transported into another world."
"On the other hand, Port makes me fart."
