Truths about men...
Jun 21st 2006 | 4:43 pm
#1
Thread Starter
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 1,347
Truths about men...
Truths About Men
Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire
long after hypothermia has set in.
---------------------------------------------
Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood
and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man
shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these
things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know
where to start." We will then drink beer.
-----------------------------------------------
Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and
take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get
as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.
-----------------------------------------------
Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the
store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like
"cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing. And never,
under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine
hygiene product" is a euphemism.
-----------------------------------------------
Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist
on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as
much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
-------------------------------------------------------
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand
while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show
looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a
calculator).
-----------------------------------------------
Because I'm a man, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think
we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger?
I mean, how the hell could he know where we're going?
-----------------------------------------------
Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The
answer is always either sex, cars, beer, or football. I have to make up
something else when you ask, so don't ask.
-----------------------------------------------
Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother
come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more
than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need
to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.
-----------------------------------------------
Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances
are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.
-----------------------------------------------
Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you
were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine.
With the belt or without it -- looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine.
Can we just go now?
-----------------------------------------------
Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2006, I will share
equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the
gardening, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the
rest.
----------------------------------------------
This has been a public service message for women to better understand the
male.
Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire
long after hypothermia has set in.
---------------------------------------------
Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood
and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man
shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these
things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know
where to start." We will then drink beer.
-----------------------------------------------
Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and
take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get
as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.
-----------------------------------------------
Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the
store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like
"cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing. And never,
under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine
hygiene product" is a euphemism.
-----------------------------------------------
Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist
on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as
much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
-------------------------------------------------------
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand
while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show
looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a
calculator).
-----------------------------------------------
Because I'm a man, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think
we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger?
I mean, how the hell could he know where we're going?
-----------------------------------------------
Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The
answer is always either sex, cars, beer, or football. I have to make up
something else when you ask, so don't ask.
-----------------------------------------------
Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother
come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more
than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need
to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.
-----------------------------------------------
Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances
are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.
-----------------------------------------------
Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you
were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine.
With the belt or without it -- looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine.
Can we just go now?
-----------------------------------------------
Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2006, I will share
equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the
gardening, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the
rest.
----------------------------------------------
This has been a public service message for women to better understand the
male.
Jun 21st 2006 | 5:00 pm
#2
F*** it!
Joined: Feb 2006
Posts: 958
From: Stepford, WA
Re: Truths about men...
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Why is a Laundry a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably
never be able to support you.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me"
How do you fix a woman's watch?
Don't bother; there's a clock on the oven.
Why do men pass wind more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at you
through the front door, whom do you let in first?
The dog of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive
by 90%.
It is called Wedding Cake.
Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget
it once.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street
with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are
beautiful.
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Why is a Laundry a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably
never be able to support you.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me"
How do you fix a woman's watch?
Don't bother; there's a clock on the oven.
Why do men pass wind more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at you
through the front door, whom do you let in first?
The dog of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive
by 90%.
It is called Wedding Cake.
Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget
it once.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street
with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are
beautiful.
Jun 21st 2006 | 6:00 pm
#3
F*** it!
Joined: Feb 2006
Posts: 958
From: Stepford, WA
Re: "Beer" - a warning to men
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, party goers and unsuspecting pub regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "beer" to target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large, what the kids call "kegs". Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach.
After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking "beer" men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that something bad occurred. At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a long-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after "beer" is administered and the predatory female offers sex.
Please! Forward this warning to every male that you know. However, if you fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the yellow pagesa
After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking "beer" men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that something bad occurred. At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a long-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after "beer" is administered and the predatory female offers sex.
Please! Forward this warning to every male that you know. However, if you fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the yellow pagesa
Jun 21st 2006 | 6:07 pm
#4
F*** it!
Joined: Feb 2006
Posts: 958
From: Stepford, WA
Re: Thinking of having children. Try these tests first
Follow these simple tests before you decide to have children ...
Test 1
Women: To prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a Beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months remove 10% of the beans.
Men: To prepare for paternity, go to the local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.
Test 2
Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behaviour. Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.
Test 3
To discover how the nights will feel...
1) Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 4-6kg, with a radio tuned to static (or some other obnoxious sound, playing loudly).
2) At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.
3) Get up at 12pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am.
4) Set the alarm for 3am.
5) As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea.
6) Go to bed at 2.45am.
7) Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off... Sing songs in the dark until 4am.
9) Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.
10) Make breakfast.
Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
Test 4
Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems
1)Buy a live octopus and a string bag.
2)Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this - all morning.
Test 5
Forget the BMW and buy a practical 5-door saloon. And don't think that you can leave it out on the driveway spotless and shining - family cars don't look like that.
1) Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.
2) Get a coin. Insert it in the cassette player.
3) Take a family size package of chocolate biscuits; mash them into the back seat.
4) Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There ... Perfect!!
Test 6
Get ready to go out.
1) Wait
2) Go out the front door.
3) Come in again.
4) Go out.
5) Come back in.
6) Go out again.
7) Walk down the front path / driveway. Walk back up it.
9) Walk down it again.
10) Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.
11) Stop, inspect minutely, and ask at least 6 questions about every piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue, and dead insect along the way.
12) Retrace your steps.
13) Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbours come out and stare at you.
14) Give up and go back into the house.
Test 7
Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.
Test 8
Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is excellent). If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats and destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.
Test 9
1) Hollow out a melon.
2) Make a small hole in the side.
3) Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
4) Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
5) Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.
6) Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12-month-old child.
Test 10
Learn the names of every character from the Fimbles, Barney, Teletubbies and watch nothing else on TV for at least 5 years.
Test 11
Can you stand the mess children make?
To find out, smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds then rub them on the clean walls.
Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?
Test 12
Make a recording of the loudest person you know shouting "Daddy" repeatedly. Important: No more than a four second delay between each "Daddy" - (occasional crescendo to the level of the supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next four years.
You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.
Test 13
Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continuously tug on your shirt sleeve/elbow/skirt hem while playing the "Daddy" tape made from Test 12 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an Adult while there is a child in the room.
Test 14
Put on your finest work attire. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting.
Now:
1) Take a cup of cream, and put 1 cup lemon juice in it.
2) Stir.
3) Dump half of it on your nice shirt. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture.
4) Attempt to clean your shirt with the saturated towel.
5) Do NOT change. YOU HAVE NO TIME.
6) Go directly to work.
Test 15
1). Buy a motorcycle
2). Start commuting on it, because that's the only time you will get to ride it for the next 5 years.
Test 1
Women: To prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a Beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months remove 10% of the beans.
Men: To prepare for paternity, go to the local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.
Test 2
Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behaviour. Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.
Test 3
To discover how the nights will feel...
1) Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 4-6kg, with a radio tuned to static (or some other obnoxious sound, playing loudly).
2) At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.
3) Get up at 12pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am.
4) Set the alarm for 3am.
5) As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea.
6) Go to bed at 2.45am.
7) Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off... Sing songs in the dark until 4am.
9) Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.
10) Make breakfast.
Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
Test 4
Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems
1)Buy a live octopus and a string bag.
2)Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this - all morning.
Test 5
Forget the BMW and buy a practical 5-door saloon. And don't think that you can leave it out on the driveway spotless and shining - family cars don't look like that.
1) Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.
2) Get a coin. Insert it in the cassette player.
3) Take a family size package of chocolate biscuits; mash them into the back seat.
4) Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There ... Perfect!!
Test 6
Get ready to go out.
1) Wait
2) Go out the front door.
3) Come in again.
4) Go out.
5) Come back in.
6) Go out again.
7) Walk down the front path / driveway. Walk back up it.
9) Walk down it again.
10) Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.
11) Stop, inspect minutely, and ask at least 6 questions about every piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue, and dead insect along the way.
12) Retrace your steps.
13) Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbours come out and stare at you.
14) Give up and go back into the house.
Test 7
Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.
Test 8
Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is excellent). If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats and destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.
Test 9
1) Hollow out a melon.
2) Make a small hole in the side.
3) Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
4) Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
5) Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.
6) Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12-month-old child.
Test 10
Learn the names of every character from the Fimbles, Barney, Teletubbies and watch nothing else on TV for at least 5 years.
Test 11
Can you stand the mess children make?
To find out, smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds then rub them on the clean walls.
Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?
Test 12
Make a recording of the loudest person you know shouting "Daddy" repeatedly. Important: No more than a four second delay between each "Daddy" - (occasional crescendo to the level of the supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next four years.
You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.
Test 13
Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continuously tug on your shirt sleeve/elbow/skirt hem while playing the "Daddy" tape made from Test 12 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an Adult while there is a child in the room.
Test 14
Put on your finest work attire. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting.
Now:
1) Take a cup of cream, and put 1 cup lemon juice in it.
2) Stir.
3) Dump half of it on your nice shirt. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture.
4) Attempt to clean your shirt with the saturated towel.
5) Do NOT change. YOU HAVE NO TIME.
6) Go directly to work.
Test 15
1). Buy a motorcycle
2). Start commuting on it, because that's the only time you will get to ride it for the next 5 years.
