carolinephillips

I love Australia (mostly) but today it just feels like it is too far away.

My dad has just been diagnosed with inoperable cancer of the prostate which has spread to his hip and spine.

So what the local doctor called a torn muscle, was actually a fractured hip and cancer. Thanks NHS- he had to go private to get pain meds and MRI scans and has been housebound for months. My poor sister, who at 43 has had a stroke, has been looking after my dad and my mum (who has been very ill with shingles and an eye op). They live on opposite sides of Wiltshire and so she has to scurry around between houses and her job and is stressed out. My brother helps when he can.

I wish I could be there to help, but I have MS and as my sister says, what could I do?
Australia is too far away.

itigo

Sorry to hear your sad news. It is too far away sometimes. Thinking of you.

irishbloo

I so feel your pain.My Dad was diagnosed at Christmas.He could cope with his cancer but is unable to eat so is losing so much weight.I just got home on Sunday after having five weeks there.The trip was planned before he got sick.Im now saving in case I have to head back again.I did all I could to help when I was there but my family are worn out from helping,which they are happy to do.My youngest with four young kids is wrecked.As you said there isnt a lot you can do apart from listening to your family and supporting them.Get the phone number for the doctors so you can get the information directly your self.Take care.

saff

Sorry to hear the news My dad has Throat / lung cancer too so moving out here was a tough choice. It's a horrible thieving bastard of a disease..

Wendy

So sorry to hear that Caroline.

I remember when my dad was diagnosed with inoperable cancer, I felt a million miles away too. At the time I was still in the UK though, but I was pregnant and was on bed rest. He tried to come and see me, but never quite managed it, then he passed away 3 weeks after she was born, but before I could go and see him.

Try not to feel too bad hun, you have your own illness to deal with, and worrying will make you worse, which is the last thing anyone would want. Just being there as someone they can talk to is a great help, so maybe let them know they can call/e-mail you and lend them an ear?

Sending my love to you all xxx

carolinephillips

Thanks everyone - can't e-mail as he is not on the net, and daren't call as last time I woke him up when he'd just got to sleep- the pain keeps him awake, and the new meds knock him out so he doesn't make sense when he talks. I'm reduced to sending snail mail or e-mailing my sister for updates. She phoned me yesterday with the bad news, as she didn't want to call the day before and spoil our 23rd wedding anniversary.

al150n

I'm sorry I can't offer any kind of advice or anything that will help but just wanted to say I'm thinking of you Caroline.

Alison x

Dorothy

Sorry to hear this Caroline. It sounds like your mum and sister could use some help. Would they be open to some respite care? I know it's hard for women to ask for help, but if your mum is already sick with shingles and your sister is exhausted then they aren't doing themselves any favours by trying to be too strong.

This is the prostate cancer society's page. http://www.prostate-cancer.org.uk/we-can-help and here's the McMillan help pages. http://www.macmillan.org.uk/HowWeCan...WeCanHelp.aspx

I know it's not much consolation, but there are quite a few of us here who've been through the same thing. We're here to listen if you need a shoulder.

Jensanco

Bless you you poor munchkin. Made me all teary reading this.

I know you must be feeling wretched about being so far away.
We were lucky? in that we were here when my husbands brother died of brain tumors last May.
Thats not a very good word actually 'lucky' we were able to see him ad spend a lot of time with him towards the end, but it wasn't the brother my husband remembers or the uncle my kids remember before he got ill and even hubbys parents can't shake how he ill and unahppy he was those last few months.
It took a very long time to get over seeing him like that after he died, our eldest sons last councelling session was December last year ! He thought of his uncle like an older brother really and like the rest of us we struggle to remember those happy times before he was so ill.

I expect your feeling all sorts of things but your sister is right there would be little you could do even if you were there and it's horrible to watch them change and fade away. One of my best friends is going thru this with her dad right now, she's racing round like a headless chicken and seeing him every spare minute, he's not grateful for her company and ignores her much of the time or accuses of her of being rude to staff when she's not .

Perhaps see if your sister or mum can buzz you when he's awake - you can always call back then?

It's horrible to think anyone you love and care about is suffering, and often harder once they're gone as thats when those left behind suffer a lot longer.
Don't beat yourself up about far away, you could have been 5 doors down, all sorts of scenario's take those we love, accidents, other health problems and it's instant and unfortunately you still wouldnt have been there xx

I expect he's enourmously proud of you for moving to Australia and making a life for yourself, regardless of what happens now I hope you remember all the good times you've shared and I hope you are all able to take some comfort in these last few months even if all you can do is be there for each other by mail, phone, etc

Will be thinking of you x

carolinephillips

Thanks again for the kind thoughts - I'm sorry that I've dragged up so many painful memories for you all.

Mum is the other side of the county to dad, and doesn't even use the phone we got her, so I only ever write to her. She has offered to look after my dad when it gets too much for Jane, but she is not really up to it either. My sister will not hear of him going into a nursing home, so I'll have to work gently on that respite thought. My brother has offered to do up mum's house so it is more suitable for him. Mum has nursed him (despite being divorced) before when he had all his heart problems- we honestly thought he'd die 20 years ago of a heart attack, so he has had extra time. Mum also cared for her partner when he became terminally ill with a brain tumour- collapsed on my wedding day would you believe, and died 3 months later at her home. However she is now not very healthy herself, is 23 years older, and has an aging incontinent cat, so her house is more like a hovel!

Dad tends to be awake late morning to mid afternoon, but due to the time difference, I'm asleep!

Jensanco

Oh Caroline don't apologise, it's no one's fault and terrible that so many people have experiences of it nowadays.
I'm sorry tho - firstly for laughing at the aging incontinent cat bit at the end naughty Jen. Just many mental pics popped in my head at once
What a traumatic wedding day :$.
Respite doesn't have to be for long, my friends dad has gone in for respite while they adapt his home for however long he has left, supposed to be going home again week after this, they're not sure how long but apparently but not sounding too good now, maybe a few months? maybe just weeks.
Cancer is such a terrible disease, how much devastation it causes to the people who have it and the loved ones who race around quite helpless really.
The best you can do is make him feel comfortable. Can you ask your brother to sort your mum out a phone she's happy with - doesn't have to be expensive or anything just one she knows she can use and then you can all communicate better, as communication will be helpful for you all

carolinephillips

I'm glad you could laugh at the incontinent cat -it is also toothless and overweight: mum makes all her animals and children fat!

As for the phone, we have tried several brands, but she is a technophobe, and has such poor reception in the area that she has to go into the garden to answer it. As she is also slightly demented (always has been) and on various drugs at the moment, you can't actually hold a conversation with her. How she thinks she'll look after my dad is beyond me.

Jane is trying to persuade dad to get one of those emergency call bracelets in case he falls. The fractured hip was not caused by a fall, it just went as he tried to stand up, which is why the doctor thought it was a torn muscle- dad only got to see him after a week, as it was not classed as an emergency. However if his bones are now brittle, any fall could be dangerous.

Jensanco

Have you got the number for his drs?
I would ring and request that as a concern they request it to be arranged for him to have a necklet call button and system that would go thru to emergency care services.
What about if your rbother got your mum and OLD style phone? I believe you can still buy them at past times stores.

I can tell its a huge worry for you but when you feel it all building up do me a favour and go for a walk somewhere nice and breath and give it half hour before you get home, making yourself ill through worry won't help anyone.

And as for the cat please stop - I now have visions of a cat that looks similar to puss in the last? shrek film shuffling round your mums house sipping back soup and then having it come straight out the other end - oh dear poor old cat.

carolinephillips

You are right with the vision of the cat- except it is a female, with the world's most pathetic squeak for a miaow.

Jensanco

bless.

Is it like the equivalent to when you speak to an old person without their teeth in tho - I actually find that quite scary..