Some one liners....
Apr 19th 2008 | 12:10 am
#1
Thread Starter
cavey wavey
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 334
From: hand to mouth
Some one liners....
Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!". The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'
"That soundslike Tom Jones syndrome.
'Is it common?'
"It's not unusual."
A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"
Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside."
"How's that?"
"Don't you start."
Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places"
The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"
Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night
Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!". The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'
"That soundslike Tom Jones syndrome.
'Is it common?'
"It's not unusual."
A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"
Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside."
"How's that?"
"Don't you start."
Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places"
The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"
Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night
Apr 19th 2008 | 12:19 am
#2
Account Closed
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 8,913
Re: Some one liners....
All sounds too familiar....Tommy Cooperish
Apr 19th 2008 | 12:22 am
#3
Forum Regular
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 141
From: sydney -cos it never rains
Re: Some one liners....
Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!". The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'
"That soundslike Tom Jones syndrome.
'Is it common?'
"It's not unusual."
A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"
Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside."
"How's that?"
"Don't you start."
Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places"
The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"
Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night
Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!". The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'
"That soundslike Tom Jones syndrome.
'Is it common?'
"It's not unusual."
A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"
Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside."
"How's that?"
"Don't you start."
Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places"
The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"
Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night
can you sing?
Apr 19th 2008 | 12:25 am
#4
Thread Starter
cavey wavey
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 334
From: hand to mouth
Re: Some one liners....
hey you don't have to read em 
Just got em in an email thought i would brighten a dull saturday up i won't bother next time
Just got em in an email thought i would brighten a dull saturday up i won't bother next time
Apr 19th 2008 | 1:01 am
#5
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 1,476
From: A Small Village in Somerset.......out in the sticks
Re: Some one liners....
Man, you've brightened up my saturday!!
Cheers....
Apr 19th 2008 | 1:47 am
#6
Lost in BE Cyberspace
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 21,434
From: Tropical North QLD
Apr 19th 2008 | 3:07 am
#7
Forum Regular
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 298
From: Ely to Adelaide in Sept 08
Apr 19th 2008 | 8:48 am
#8
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 3,376
Re: Some one liners....
Thumbsup from me too! 
Apr 19th 2008 | 9:32 am
#9
BE Enthusiast
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 311
From: Mindarie, Perth Western Australia - FINALLY :-)
Re: Some one liners....
congratulations you have made it through to the next round of
expats got talent
expats got talent
Apr 19th 2008 | 11:13 am
#10
BE Forum Addict
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 1,029
From: Bourenmouth, Dorset.
Re: Some one liners....
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
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no idea
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
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still no f##k#n idea
Johnnyyt
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no idea
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
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still no f##k#n idea
Johnnyyt
