haggis supper

In a slight deviation form some of my recent posts (!) I need some advice.

Mrs Haggis and I have been having some right royal battles with our 8 year old daughter recently. We've tried everything to improve her behaviour and on the advice of Mother and Mother in Law we're getting some professional help next week to help us understand what the problem is/may be and how we can deal with it.

In a fit of anger last night in response to yet another episode/tantrum I told her that I would not be going to her school performance tomorrow night. She's now beyond upset and desperate for me to come along. She's had it planned for months, has been rehearsing most nights this month and has been excited that I was going.

I now feel guilty but this is the first time she's actually listening to us - all other threats and actions usually get ignored or forgotten about. Do I relent and go - and run the risk that she sees this as getting her own way again - or do I stick with the "tough love" approach and show her that her actions have consequences.

All advice appreciated.

busterboy

Really Haggis that is a tough one! I would go for the option that you think might be least damaging.

I would probably relent.

Caroline G

I think it depends on whether you issued a warning or not. If a warning was given and she continued to behave badly I wouldn't go as she needs to know that you carry out the threatened consequences.

busterboy

Oh I know but it really tough love. I would struggle with this.

haggis supper

She was warned numerous times about her behaviour which is partly the problem - she never listens, has to be told 5 times, takes us to yell at her. I didn't warn her that I wouldn't go to the performance though.

We're at our wits end with her. For the first time she recognises that she's screwed up. I don't want to miss it, I hate seeing her so upset but I feel that I may not have an option.

Kids eh...:curse:

NKSK version 2

I'm not sure that I have any great advice but if it's any consolation, we've been having a nightmare with our 8 year old (just turned 9) recently also. I think we've made some progress but Christ, it has been difficult.
At one point I even thought she was going through early puberty!!

God knows how I'm going to cope when I've got 3 hormonal women in the house.

Caroline G

I would go then and try and turn it into something really positive. If she loves performing you may have found something that she cares about and therefore use that to reward her for behaving well. Could she go to drama classes/club? If her behaviour isn't good you can then threaten her with not going.

Best of luck and enjoy the show.

Machiavelli

Oh! this is a tough one right enough.

I know how easy it is to get wound up with kids (of all ages), but I learned early on never to threaten them with anything that I couldn't follow through on. On saying that, last year I told my son that if he played with a certain boy at school again I would take away his Lego. He did, and I did, and he was so hurt. I won't do that again, apart from as a last resort, but he thinks that I might, which is very useful some days!

Usually I would be tough and stick to what I'd said, but since you didn't warn her that you not going to her concert would be a consequence to anything she did, I do think that you are being a bit hard on her, (and you'd be punishing yourself as well as her if you didn't go).

Could you not sit her down and explain to her that she made you so angry that you said it in anger but didn't think it through?

This could lead on to you having a 'chat' about doing things in anger or without thinking of what you (not you specifically) do has follow through consequences that you might not realise?

I'd use a pack of dominoes and set them up so that when one falls, the rest tumble after and the last one ends up in the bin or a glass of water (hidden from her) so that she can see that she has to think carefully because she can't always see the end result of her actions. (I hope that comes across right!)

If the chat goes well, and you are the one in control of that, you could then half back down by saying that since she's promising to be good from now on that she could swap a favourite toy, or TV/computer/game time for one week in return for the "I'm not going to your concert" punishment? Then you have to stick to the one week or you'll be seen to be the weak one.

I would certainly go to the concert, and I would let her know that I was going, and not just sneak in without her knowing that I was there. She's obviously very upset, and (from experience) they do remember stuff like this.

I hope that I've helped. It's really difficult to get it right with kids of any age, and we don't know whether we were right or wrong until they become adults.

All the Best,

Mxxx

ukecadet

Sounds like the threat has worked a treat.However I think you may have set the bar a bit high for yourself and you should bite the bullet.I wouldn't say any more about the incident to your daughter.If you try to explain your about turn that's when she's got you.Go to the concert.You know you want to.

bridie

sneak in the back and watch it.......

haggis supper

Many thanks to you all, much appreciated.

I took on board all your comments and suggestions, which were honestly very helpful. I've just had a long talk with her and agreed to go to the show tomorrow.

Not sure if its the right thing to do but only time will tell.

I just have to sit through 75 minutes of a class of 8 year olds pretending to be mad scientists. OMG.

sme

I think you've done the right thing by going but letting her know how you feel. It's hard but she is only 8 and can't manage her feelings and actions very well. I hope the professional help works out for you and your family - however this path is not a quick fix so be prepared for more battles ahead

framac

As a father of an 8 year old daughter haggis, I think you have to go. She sounds as if shes learned her lesson so go, be proud and enjoy

Weird Fish

I think you did the right thing by relenting. No matter how much our kids wind us up and play up, we still love them and want to show our unconditional support for the things in their lives that they love. I try to save punishment for things that will not punish us emotionally.

I know what it is like to have difficult kids. I honestly think that no matter how many times we explain the consequences they just don't sink in as these kids don't understand reasoning. So we are left in a situation of what on earth are we suppose to do, NOTHING has impact and life seems like one big battle ground. Quiet simply if we punished for everything that we felt was unacceptable behaviour we would be living in an empty house.

I wish I had a magic wand. Hope the experts are of some help for you.

Cheetah7

Im so pleased you are going.

I think it could have had an adverse effect had you not gone, it is lovely when as a child you have something to proudly demonstrate to your parents -I remember that feeling very well from a few things at school.

Not having kids myself I can only guess but I reckon you can use that as a building block for her behaviour from now on.

By letting her see how proud you are of her on that night and showering her with praise, she might hopefully recognise what good behaviour and working hard will get her - positive attention from the people who count, her Mum/Dad.

Good luck to your little girl for her big night.