Serious: Alcoholic help
Jul 19th 2006, 12:22 pm
#1
Account Closed
Thread Starter
Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 10,158
Serious: Alcoholic help
I've just had the most distressing email from my Aunt about her husband:
<It's been horrid with G drinking so much with so many admissions to hospital - one a month since January, all but one drink related....I'm at the end of my tolerance and actively considering getting out before too much anger and helplessness gets the better of me. G has really done little to access help for himself. Often he waits for others to come forward and put things in place for him rather than seek it out for himself. So despite him saying he wants to get better he himself has done nothing. I shoved the phone in his hand weeks ago and urged him to contact AA. He's been to one meeting and was too pissed to attend last Saturday. THe local drug and alcohol team can only do so much...and the rest is up to him...and the evidence now seems to indicate that he can't /won't manage it...and I really can't keep on dealing with his behaviour and the increased levels of my own distress. In my worst imaginings I hadn't reckoned on it being like this, otherwise I would not have married him. At the time and before we married he was getting stronger...but now it's ghastly and I feel so sorry for him but feel deeply helpless as he has to begin to help himself...All I know is that I have to be responsible for myself...and that means making a hard decision...>
Advice, help, anything. Feel utterly helpless here in Aus and so upset.
<It's been horrid with G drinking so much with so many admissions to hospital - one a month since January, all but one drink related....I'm at the end of my tolerance and actively considering getting out before too much anger and helplessness gets the better of me. G has really done little to access help for himself. Often he waits for others to come forward and put things in place for him rather than seek it out for himself. So despite him saying he wants to get better he himself has done nothing. I shoved the phone in his hand weeks ago and urged him to contact AA. He's been to one meeting and was too pissed to attend last Saturday. THe local drug and alcohol team can only do so much...and the rest is up to him...and the evidence now seems to indicate that he can't /won't manage it...and I really can't keep on dealing with his behaviour and the increased levels of my own distress. In my worst imaginings I hadn't reckoned on it being like this, otherwise I would not have married him. At the time and before we married he was getting stronger...but now it's ghastly and I feel so sorry for him but feel deeply helpless as he has to begin to help himself...All I know is that I have to be responsible for myself...and that means making a hard decision...>
Advice, help, anything. Feel utterly helpless here in Aus and so upset.
Jul 19th 2006, 12:29 pm
#2
Back in OZ!
Joined: Oct 2005
Location: Perth, Australia
Posts: 905
Re: Serious: Alcoholic help
Have no advice as such, but wanted to respond so you didn't feel alone.
So sorry that your Aunt is going through this. Sounds like a pretty emotional situation to be in (for all concerned)
{{{{Hugs}}}}}
So sorry that your Aunt is going through this. Sounds like a pretty emotional situation to be in (for all concerned)
{{{{Hugs}}}}}
Jul 19th 2006, 12:30 pm
#3
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Aug 2004
Location: Berkshire, UK
Posts: 4,260
Re: Serious: Alcoholic help
Originally Posted by iPom
I've just had the most distressing email from my Aunt about her husband:
<It's been horrid with G drinking so much with so many admissions to hospital - one a month since January, all but one drink related....I'm at the end of my tolerance and actively considering getting out before too much anger and helplessness gets the better of me. G has really done little to access help for himself. Often he waits for others to come forward and put things in place for him rather than seek it out for himself. So despite him saying he wants to get better he himself has done nothing. I shoved the phone in his hand weeks ago and urged him to contact AA. He's been to one meeting and was too pissed to attend last Saturday. THe local drug and alcohol team can only do so much...and the rest is up to him...and the evidence now seems to indicate that he can't /won't manage it...and I really can't keep on dealing with his behaviour and the increased levels of my own distress. In my worst imaginings I hadn't reckoned on it being like this, otherwise I would not have married him. At the time and before we married he was getting stronger...but now it's ghastly and I feel so sorry for him but feel deeply helpless as he has to begin to help himself...All I know is that I have to be responsible for myself...and that means making a hard decision...>
Advice, help, anything. Feel utterly helpless here in Aus and so upset.
<It's been horrid with G drinking so much with so many admissions to hospital - one a month since January, all but one drink related....I'm at the end of my tolerance and actively considering getting out before too much anger and helplessness gets the better of me. G has really done little to access help for himself. Often he waits for others to come forward and put things in place for him rather than seek it out for himself. So despite him saying he wants to get better he himself has done nothing. I shoved the phone in his hand weeks ago and urged him to contact AA. He's been to one meeting and was too pissed to attend last Saturday. THe local drug and alcohol team can only do so much...and the rest is up to him...and the evidence now seems to indicate that he can't /won't manage it...and I really can't keep on dealing with his behaviour and the increased levels of my own distress. In my worst imaginings I hadn't reckoned on it being like this, otherwise I would not have married him. At the time and before we married he was getting stronger...but now it's ghastly and I feel so sorry for him but feel deeply helpless as he has to begin to help himself...All I know is that I have to be responsible for myself...and that means making a hard decision...>
Advice, help, anything. Feel utterly helpless here in Aus and so upset.
I personally feel that if they want help they will accept it and if not then there's really not much you can do to help them. It must be pretty tough for you aunt who obviously loves him to have stayed, if she feels that she may be danger from his drinking then theres only one way to go - and that's to leave.
sorry this probably isn't the advice you need
regards
Debbie
Jul 19th 2006, 12:38 pm
#4
Banned
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 746
Re: Serious: Alcoholic help
Originally Posted by iPom
I've just had the most distressing email from my Aunt about her husband:
<It's been horrid with G drinking so much with so many admissions to hospital - one a month since January, all but one drink related....I'm at the end of my tolerance and actively considering getting out before too much anger and helplessness gets the better of me. G has really done little to access help for himself. Often he waits for others to come forward and put things in place for him rather than seek it out for himself. So despite him saying he wants to get better he himself has done nothing. I shoved the phone in his hand weeks ago and urged him to contact AA. He's been to one meeting and was too pissed to attend last Saturday. THe local drug and alcohol team can only do so much...and the rest is up to him...and the evidence now seems to indicate that he can't /won't manage it...and I really can't keep on dealing with his behaviour and the increased levels of my own distress. In my worst imaginings I hadn't reckoned on it being like this, otherwise I would not have married him. At the time and before we married he was getting stronger...but now it's ghastly and I feel so sorry for him but feel deeply helpless as he has to begin to help himself...All I know is that I have to be responsible for myself...and that means making a hard decision...>
Advice, help, anything. Feel utterly helpless here in Aus and so upset.
<It's been horrid with G drinking so much with so many admissions to hospital - one a month since January, all but one drink related....I'm at the end of my tolerance and actively considering getting out before too much anger and helplessness gets the better of me. G has really done little to access help for himself. Often he waits for others to come forward and put things in place for him rather than seek it out for himself. So despite him saying he wants to get better he himself has done nothing. I shoved the phone in his hand weeks ago and urged him to contact AA. He's been to one meeting and was too pissed to attend last Saturday. THe local drug and alcohol team can only do so much...and the rest is up to him...and the evidence now seems to indicate that he can't /won't manage it...and I really can't keep on dealing with his behaviour and the increased levels of my own distress. In my worst imaginings I hadn't reckoned on it being like this, otherwise I would not have married him. At the time and before we married he was getting stronger...but now it's ghastly and I feel so sorry for him but feel deeply helpless as he has to begin to help himself...All I know is that I have to be responsible for myself...and that means making a hard decision...>
Advice, help, anything. Feel utterly helpless here in Aus and so upset.
I became free in September 2005 after reading his book - The Easyway to Control Alcohol.
Hope things get better for your fam.
L
Jul 19th 2006, 12:43 pm
#5
Account Closed
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 1,163
Re: Serious: Alcoholic help
Originally Posted by iPom
I've just had the most distressing email from my Aunt about her husband:
<It's been horrid with G drinking so much with so many admissions to hospital - one a month since January, all but one drink related....I'm at the end of my tolerance and actively considering getting out before too much anger and helplessness gets the better of me. G has really done little to access help for himself. Often he waits for others to come forward and put things in place for him rather than seek it out for himself. So despite him saying he wants to get better he himself has done nothing. I shoved the phone in his hand weeks ago and urged him to contact AA. He's been to one meeting and was too pissed to attend last Saturday. THe local drug and alcohol team can only do so much...and the rest is up to him...and the evidence now seems to indicate that he can't /won't manage it...and I really can't keep on dealing with his behaviour and the increased levels of my own distress. In my worst imaginings I hadn't reckoned on it being like this, otherwise I would not have married him. At the time and before we married he was getting stronger...but now it's ghastly and I feel so sorry for him but feel deeply helpless as he has to begin to help himself...All I know is that I have to be responsible for myself...and that means making a hard decision...>
Advice, help, anything. Feel utterly helpless here in Aus and so upset.
<It's been horrid with G drinking so much with so many admissions to hospital - one a month since January, all but one drink related....I'm at the end of my tolerance and actively considering getting out before too much anger and helplessness gets the better of me. G has really done little to access help for himself. Often he waits for others to come forward and put things in place for him rather than seek it out for himself. So despite him saying he wants to get better he himself has done nothing. I shoved the phone in his hand weeks ago and urged him to contact AA. He's been to one meeting and was too pissed to attend last Saturday. THe local drug and alcohol team can only do so much...and the rest is up to him...and the evidence now seems to indicate that he can't /won't manage it...and I really can't keep on dealing with his behaviour and the increased levels of my own distress. In my worst imaginings I hadn't reckoned on it being like this, otherwise I would not have married him. At the time and before we married he was getting stronger...but now it's ghastly and I feel so sorry for him but feel deeply helpless as he has to begin to help himself...All I know is that I have to be responsible for myself...and that means making a hard decision...>
Advice, help, anything. Feel utterly helpless here in Aus and so upset.
Jul 19th 2006, 12:49 pm
#6
That's Dr Bitch to you
Joined: Feb 2006
Location: Out in the 'burbs of Melbourne
Posts: 925
Re: Serious: Alcoholic help
Hi
Just wanted to say <<<<hugs>>>>>>
Its such a difficult situation to be in. I personally haven't been in this situation but the only one who can sort this out is your uncle. He has to accept the problem first and then decide that he wants help. Its not going to help him to keep being told that he has a problem when he hasn't accepted it yet. As for your aunt, she will need to decide if she can live with herself and with the guilt if she leaves him and something happens. I know its harsh but having had a Mum who wouldn't leave my Dad because she couldn't live with herself if something happened and saying she would have her own space after he had died (harsh maybe) and then dying first, she really needs to make the decision. Isn't there a support group for families of alcoholics? I'm sure there is and maybe your aunt should contact them or talk to her GP or seek out conselling herself. It might make her situation a little bit more bearable while she decides what to do about her husband.
Just wanted to say <<<<hugs>>>>>>
Its such a difficult situation to be in. I personally haven't been in this situation but the only one who can sort this out is your uncle. He has to accept the problem first and then decide that he wants help. Its not going to help him to keep being told that he has a problem when he hasn't accepted it yet. As for your aunt, she will need to decide if she can live with herself and with the guilt if she leaves him and something happens. I know its harsh but having had a Mum who wouldn't leave my Dad because she couldn't live with herself if something happened and saying she would have her own space after he had died (harsh maybe) and then dying first, she really needs to make the decision. Isn't there a support group for families of alcoholics? I'm sure there is and maybe your aunt should contact them or talk to her GP or seek out conselling herself. It might make her situation a little bit more bearable while she decides what to do about her husband.
Jul 19th 2006, 12:55 pm
#7
Crazy Cat Lady
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 65,493
Re: Serious: Alcoholic help
Originally Posted by Deer Hunter
The best thing for your Aunt to do IMHO is leave him. Not just for her own sanity but also because she is unconsiously enabling him. As long as he has her support (not meaning support in drinking but just keeping his life ticking over) he has no reason to change his behaviour.
She is the most important person in her life and no matter how much she wants him to get better, he obviously doesn't and he's the only one who can make a difference. Her leaving may just be the catalyst that get's him to get help. It could go the other way, but that won't be her fault - however much she believes it is.A very shitty situation to be in. Don't feel helpless, you are listening and talking to her. Having you being slightly removed from the situation will probably help more than all the hugs and pats on the back from those geographically close to her.
Jul 19th 2006, 12:55 pm
#8
Banned
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 746
Re: Serious: Alcoholic help
Originally Posted by Deer Hunter
The best thing for your Aunt to do IMHO is leave him. Not just for her own sanity but also because she is unconsiously enabling him. As long as he has her support (not meaning support in drinking but just keeping his life ticking over) he has no reason to change his behaviour.
If she loves him then surely that is the main objective here.
Jul 19th 2006, 12:57 pm
#9
Account Closed
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 1,163
Re: Serious: Alcoholic help
Originally Posted by Lewis Lapthorn
Abandoning an alcoholic won't solve their drink problem.
If she loves him then surely that is the main objective here.
If she loves him then surely that is the main objective here.
Jul 19th 2006, 1:08 pm
#10
Crazy Cat Lady
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 65,493
Re: Serious: Alcoholic help
Originally Posted by Lewis Lapthorn
Abandoning an alcoholic won't solve their drink problem.
If she loves him then surely that is the main objective here.
If she loves him then surely that is the main objective here.
Jul 19th 2006, 1:23 pm
#11
Account Closed
Thread Starter
Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 10,158
Re: Serious: Alcoholic help
Originally Posted by moneypen20
A very shitty situation to be in. Don't feel helpless, you are listening and talking to her. Having you being slightly removed from the situation will probably help more than all the hugs and pats on the back from those geographically close to her.
That's the problem really, in that I am her only close family. She has two other sisters and one brother (my father) but they have their heads so far up their own backsides, they'll just say she brought it upon herself and the 'help' they'll offer her will be a snide letter saying 'I told you so' and asking for god's help in the matter... It's not their fault they're like this, just the way they were bought up and it's the only way they know...but knowing that doesn't make it any easier to bear reading the letters when they arrive.
They just haven't got a clue.
Jul 19th 2006, 1:30 pm
#12
broken but got a visa! :
Joined: Apr 2006
Location: seaford,adelaide
Posts: 1,515
Re: Serious: Alcoholic help
Hi, Ive been the wife...
if he isnt prepared to face his problem and deal with it with all the resources out there then im afraid hes a lost cause!
there is help out there, but like your aunt says they can only do so much, your uncle needs to address the problem himself.
your aunt cannot help him, and as said before she is actually supporting it just by being there and maintaining his routine/life for him.
kat xxx
if he isnt prepared to face his problem and deal with it with all the resources out there then im afraid hes a lost cause!
there is help out there, but like your aunt says they can only do so much, your uncle needs to address the problem himself.
your aunt cannot help him, and as said before she is actually supporting it just by being there and maintaining his routine/life for him.
kat xxx
Jul 19th 2006, 1:36 pm
#13
Forum Regular
Joined: Jan 2002
Location: Wigan now in the Gold Coast!
Posts: 155
Re: Serious: Alcoholic help
As mentioned before by other BE members HE has to want to stop drinking - your Aunt seems to see this though.
Until he does that it's day after day of the same old promises, cover ups, arguments, emotional blackmail etc.
I do know there is an organisation for families who have to deal with alcoholics it's a UK site http://www.al-anonuk.org.uk/ it may offer some advice on how to get through this awful situation.
It's hard to offer anything positive because you just feel so useless. Be careful, as much as you want to help, you can become absolutely drained by your Uncle's behaviour and your Aunt opening up and the situation going absolutely nowhere. It's a very frustrating position to be in.
I am so sorry to be so negative but maybe if you try Al Anon (or another similar organisation) they may help you to deal with things.
Take care
Until he does that it's day after day of the same old promises, cover ups, arguments, emotional blackmail etc.
I do know there is an organisation for families who have to deal with alcoholics it's a UK site http://www.al-anonuk.org.uk/ it may offer some advice on how to get through this awful situation.
It's hard to offer anything positive because you just feel so useless. Be careful, as much as you want to help, you can become absolutely drained by your Uncle's behaviour and your Aunt opening up and the situation going absolutely nowhere. It's a very frustrating position to be in.
I am so sorry to be so negative but maybe if you try Al Anon (or another similar organisation) they may help you to deal with things.
Take care
Originally Posted by iPom
I've just had the most distressing email from my Aunt about her husband:
<It's been horrid with G drinking so much with so many admissions to hospital - one a month since January, all but one drink related....I'm at the end of my tolerance and actively considering getting out before too much anger and helplessness gets the better of me. G has really done little to access help for himself. Often he waits for others to come forward and put things in place for him rather than seek it out for himself. So despite him saying he wants to get better he himself has done nothing. I shoved the phone in his hand weeks ago and urged him to contact AA. He's been to one meeting and was too pissed to attend last Saturday. THe local drug and alcohol team can only do so much...and the rest is up to him...and the evidence now seems to indicate that he can't /won't manage it...and I really can't keep on dealing with his behaviour and the increased levels of my own distress. In my worst imaginings I hadn't reckoned on it being like this, otherwise I would not have married him. At the time and before we married he was getting stronger...but now it's ghastly and I feel so sorry for him but feel deeply helpless as he has to begin to help himself...All I know is that I have to be responsible for myself...and that means making a hard decision...>
Advice, help, anything. Feel utterly helpless here in Aus and so upset.
<It's been horrid with G drinking so much with so many admissions to hospital - one a month since January, all but one drink related....I'm at the end of my tolerance and actively considering getting out before too much anger and helplessness gets the better of me. G has really done little to access help for himself. Often he waits for others to come forward and put things in place for him rather than seek it out for himself. So despite him saying he wants to get better he himself has done nothing. I shoved the phone in his hand weeks ago and urged him to contact AA. He's been to one meeting and was too pissed to attend last Saturday. THe local drug and alcohol team can only do so much...and the rest is up to him...and the evidence now seems to indicate that he can't /won't manage it...and I really can't keep on dealing with his behaviour and the increased levels of my own distress. In my worst imaginings I hadn't reckoned on it being like this, otherwise I would not have married him. At the time and before we married he was getting stronger...but now it's ghastly and I feel so sorry for him but feel deeply helpless as he has to begin to help himself...All I know is that I have to be responsible for myself...and that means making a hard decision...>
Advice, help, anything. Feel utterly helpless here in Aus and so upset.
Jul 19th 2006, 1:44 pm
#14
Home and Happy
Joined: Dec 2002
Location: Keep true friends and puppets close, trust no-one else...
Posts: 93,815
Re: Serious: Alcoholic help
I haven't read the other replies; I'm not in a sufficiently strong state to do so.
There was a wonderful thread on this while back - you may remember it, and I'll go find it shortly. My own experiences are on there.
All I will say now is - love isn't enough. You can love the person more than anything in the world, and be prepared to lay down your life for them, but that isn't enough. Alcoholics - albeit unconciously most of the time - are selfish people. They may acknowledge your love, but it won't be enough to stop them drinking unless THEY want to. Your Aunt is in for heartache whatever she chooses to do, but if she stays with him she will probably watch him change into someone she loves, but no longer likes, and she may even end up despising herself for staying, and for loving him.
The only person who can stop drinking is him. You and your aunt have my prayers and my sympathy. I understand only too well.
http://britishexpats.com/forum/showthread.php?t=376497
There was a wonderful thread on this while back - you may remember it, and I'll go find it shortly. My own experiences are on there.
All I will say now is - love isn't enough. You can love the person more than anything in the world, and be prepared to lay down your life for them, but that isn't enough. Alcoholics - albeit unconciously most of the time - are selfish people. They may acknowledge your love, but it won't be enough to stop them drinking unless THEY want to. Your Aunt is in for heartache whatever she chooses to do, but if she stays with him she will probably watch him change into someone she loves, but no longer likes, and she may even end up despising herself for staying, and for loving him.
The only person who can stop drinking is him. You and your aunt have my prayers and my sympathy. I understand only too well.
http://britishexpats.com/forum/showthread.php?t=376497
Last edited by Pollyana; Jul 19th 2006 at 1:48 pm. Reason: adding link
Jul 19th 2006, 1:49 pm
#15
Account Closed
Thread Starter
Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 10,158
Re: Serious: Alcoholic help
Originally Posted by Pollyana
I haven't read the other replies; I'm not in a sufficiently strong state to do so.
There was a wonderful thread on this while back - you may remember it, and I'll go find it shortly. My own experiences are on there.
All I will say now is - love isn't enough. You can love the person more than anything in the world, and be prepared to lay down your life for them, but that isn't enough. Alcoholics - albeit unconciously most of the time - are selfish people. They may acknowledge your love, but it won't be enough to stop them drinking unless THEY want to. Your Aunt is in for heartache whatever she chooses to do, but if she stays with him she will probably watch him change into someone she loves, but no longer likes, and she may even end up despising herself for staying, and for loving him.
The only person who can stop drinking is him. You and your aunt have my prayers and my sympathy. I understand only too well.
http://britishexpats.com/forum/showthread.php?t=376497
There was a wonderful thread on this while back - you may remember it, and I'll go find it shortly. My own experiences are on there.
All I will say now is - love isn't enough. You can love the person more than anything in the world, and be prepared to lay down your life for them, but that isn't enough. Alcoholics - albeit unconciously most of the time - are selfish people. They may acknowledge your love, but it won't be enough to stop them drinking unless THEY want to. Your Aunt is in for heartache whatever she chooses to do, but if she stays with him she will probably watch him change into someone she loves, but no longer likes, and she may even end up despising herself for staying, and for loving him.
The only person who can stop drinking is him. You and your aunt have my prayers and my sympathy. I understand only too well.
http://britishexpats.com/forum/showthread.php?t=376497
Thanks Polly. x
Last edited by iPom; Jul 19th 2006 at 1:53 pm.