A bear , a lion and a chicken are all sitting talking about who is the hardest.

The bear says "when I roar the whole forest trembles",

The lion says "when I roar the whole jungle and african plains shake with fear",

The chicken then chirps up " all I have to is cough and then the whole fuuking world shits itself"

ps - what's band width - not putting on weight are you??

I don't know, its happened before I'm pished off with ****** computers

Same here - when my hubby talks about cookies, I automatically reach for the biscuite tin!!!

fantastic mate

Love it - just sent it to all my mates!

A blind rabbit and a blind snake meet each other. Neither one remembers what kind of animal they are, so they decide to feel each other.

The rabbit says, "You feel me first." The snake says okay, and he starts feeling the rabbit.

He says, "Well, you have fur all over, and a little cotton tail, and two long ears, and big back feet..."

The rabbit says, "I know! I'm a rabbit! Yippee!" Then the rabbit feels the snake.
He says, "Okay, you're long and thin, and slimy all over, and there's a little forked tongue..."

The snake says, "Oh no, I'm a lawyer."

A man walks into a bar and says "Bartender gimme a triple shot of Jack". The bartender pours, and the man downs it, slams the glass on the bar and says "Another".
The bartender pours another. The man downs it and says "Another".

As the bartender pours the third glass he says, "Mister you drink like you have a problem. Want to talk about it?"

The man says, "Ten years, ten years I've been married to my wife, and today I go home a little early to surprise her, and I find my best friend, MY BEST FRIEND, in bed having sex with her."

The bartender says "Geez, what did you say."

The man says " I told him, BAD DOG! BAD DOG!"

pmsl Wendy

love it mate, pure magic

Man walks into a bar with an ostrich, he orders a pint of lager,
the barman turns to the ostrich who says "I'll have the same please"
The barman says "that'll be £5.80 please" and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exactly £5.80!
The next night, the same man comes in with the ostrich and orders an pina colada.
The barman turns to the ostrich who says "I'll have the same please"
The barman says "that'll be £10.50 please" and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exactly £10.50!
The next night, the same man comes in with the ostrich and orders a G&T.
The barman turns to the ostrich who says "I'll have the same please"
The barman says "that'll be £5.78 please" and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exactly £5.78!
The man and the ostrich take a seat but the barman can't stand it any longer....and goes over.

"For 3 nights now, you've come in her with your ostrich, both ordered drinks and had the exact change in your pocket, how come?"

And the man says, a year ago I found a genie who offered me two wishes, the first was that whenever I ordered anything, I'd always have the exact money to pay for it. The barman replied, "that's amazing you could have easily asked for £10m but what you asked for means you'll always have enough, no matter what. What was your other wish?"

The man looked disgusted and said "I asked for a leggy bird that always agreed with me!!!"

Don't blame me - that was oh's joke!!

A women on her deathbed called her husband and instructed him to look under their bed and open the wooden box he found. He was puzzled by the 3 eggs and $7,000 in cash he found in the box, so he asked his wife what the eggs were for.

"Oh those", she replied, "every time we had bad sex, I put an egg in the box".

Not bad, the husband thought to himself, after 35 years of marriage, then he asked, "But what about the $7,000?"

"Oh that", she replied, "every time I got a dozen I sold them."

Come on Soapy - you must have loads of jokes up the sleeves?!!!!

Lets hear them!

I'm minted then!!