The emotional highs of thinking you are winning a highly competitive game of hide & seek can be shattered into terrible lows when you realise that nobody had any intention of ever looking for you, and you have just spent an hour in dusty cupboard whilst they are all outside playing touch football.

Rather than play such mainstream games at lunch such as football, my friends and I used to save our cash for the lunchtime game of Milkshake Fights. Standing at either end of the playground, teams would lob strawberry and chocolate milkshake cartons at each other with the hope of getting someone else's shoes messy. I once hit a hard kid by accident, but escaped a beating by saying that my brother was as hard as nails. I suspect that the fact this ploy worked says more about Ryan Peters pussydom than it does about my brother.

Whilst playing in my back garden, a friend and I discovered that my garden shed was locked with a padlock made by a lock manufacturer called Plumbob. Finding this highly amusing, we hid behind my garden gate and shouted "PLUMBOB!" at people walking down the path on the other side. We soon grew tired of this, however and went inside to play on the Acorn Electron.

If you are late, or are moved by the teacher for your unruly behaviour, you may have to sit next to someone unpopular, or someone who smells. You will be asked who your new best friend is; both you and the smelly child must pretend not to have heard. This mutual shame will not cause a bond between the victims, and it will not be spoken of again.