galba

We have 2 boys aged 10 and 8. They are very naive and we/I/OH need to have a talk with them about what's going on/going to happen with their bodies.

Now at the moment I answer most questions, if they come up but don't have the 'experience' to tell it from a boy/man point of view.

I have bought a book (What's happening to me - Usborne books) and asked OH to go through it with the boys - seems to be aimed at the right age and well laid out.

The problem is that OH is refusing to do it, I think he is embarrassed, as his parents didn't tell him anything he thinks it's ok for the boys to hear it all from school/friends. Ultimately if he continues to refuse I will do it but I just think it would be better coming from him.

Any advice for us?

We have 2 younger girls and I am happy to explain things with them when the time comes.

Sally Redux

Just do it youself. Men hate that kind of thing.

swmbo63

I have 2 sons, because their father was away a lot during their growing up, I was the one who had top explain the facts of life to them both
I used a book as well, one that they could go off and read alone and come back and ask me questions.

jad n rich

Are you in OZ? In qld in the last year of primary school so age 10/11 they have sex education. Not only what happens to the body ( girls and boys in different lessons so its not embarrasing for them) they talk about the body emotions plus roll on condoms ( on bananas ) and pass around tampons etc, covers STD's and sexuality choices. Anyway it might save you the trouble if your both really shy.

We found the younger two knew most of it anyway, fairly typical for kids with older bros They did have a couple of friends quite innocent in such matters though, I can remember when they were younger you had to be quite careful what DVD's at sleepovers etc some seemed quite 'worldly' for 11 and others didnt have a clue. The the sex ed at school was really good, sort of evens things out

TiddlyPom

Oh god. Look, don't have 'a talk'. Kids don't remember 'a talk'.
As soon as you sit them down, their eyes will glaze over. And when you say 'Does that all make sense?' they'll nod at you, mouths hanging open, slack jawed and drooling and then promptly go off and kill rabbits on the Wii or whatever.
The next day they'll tell their friends you talked about their dad's willy but they don't know why.

So don't do 'a talk'. You and your hub need to get comfy with the subject and I know that's hard. My mother apparently gave my sister 'a talk' and I was present apparently.
That was it. And I mean IT for my entire life until the day I got married and she helpfully tried to slip some well meaning advice in there about sex, which frankly, was a little bit too late. I had no idea what was happening to me when I got my first period at age 12. Truly. What a nightmare! She never talked to me about anything. Even when I had periods she didn't call them 'pads' - she'd call them 'bunnies'. WTF? In the end, I'd just go get my own and save the obvious embarrassment she felt.
I tell you, shame just gives kids a poor body image and a lousy time. They need clear concise accurate information. It's just biology.

So, start with little bits and bobs here and there. Make it age appropriate and make it casual, with no embarrassment and no euphemisms. Kids need you to be as open and honest as possible whilst gently explaining... You create an atmosphere, I think, for making more talking possible - so they feel safe enough to ask.
If you do 'a talk' then you overload them with info and they can't process it all.

Kids ask questions all the time... like 'how do you have a baby' or whatever. So introduce the concept then... that'll work for your younger kids.... use proper terms like 'egg' and 'sperm'... Don't use that birds and bees stuff. But tell them EVERYTHING you can. They'll take bits away with them and process it.

For the older boy... 'Hey wow you're getting some muscles like your dad... you must be getting near puberty. Know what that means? Oh well, you have these things which are hormones and when you get a bit older like you, they all start buzzing round your body and make your voice drop a bit and you get hair on your face and pubic area...and you start to change a bit more into a guy - you've probably noticed the older boys at school for sure... and a bit on yourself...'
(guaranteed he will have been closely observing them and himself) 'Yeah, it's good. You're growing up. You're going to be a really tall guy, like your dad' etc etc

(And if he says 'Yeah of course I know, idiot parent...' in a sort of grunting way that kids of that age do, then say 'great - let's talk some more'... )

THEN STOP and leave it alone - just say you know all that stuff and he can ask you anything... Kids are naturally curious but also embarrassed enough for the both of you, so you just have to do it totally matter of fact. Lose the embarrassment. Hard to do, but you'll manage.
Leave it for a week. Don't push it. Then do another ...

I feel your pain.... but it is possible to create an open honest dialogue so your kids can talk to you, but don't make it an event... just make it a normal part of talking about stuff.

And I'm sorry, kids cannot learn it all from school. The amount of 'mis' information that goes round kids is surreal.
My daughter told me they were going to have this film at school (age 8 I think - stupid age to do it imo but there you go) and she said the older girls told her that 'a man puts his willy in the lady's bum'. Not only did she not see the film because it sounded crap and I didn't want my 8 yr old watching people have sex, but I explained that the girls had it wrong (I hoped - though maybe they saw another film!) and explained exactly what happened during sex.
You cannot depend on school to 'get it right' for your kid.

Most kids are grossed out by it... but talking about sex is not just about sex... it's talking about how to stay safe, how to not contract STD's, and how to have a responsible relationship... and love and hormones and girls... and respect. It is not just about the act of sex itself.
If you're happy to talk to your girls, make yourself happy to talk to your boys. Sounds like your OH needs to grow up and get real about what he needs to teach his sons.


In the end, most teens stop talking and clam up. If they have the knowledge and tools to deal with intimacy and sex before that point, they should be ok. If you don't provide those tools, expect trouble.

TiddlyPom

But that's a cop out don't you think? Men donate 50% to making babies and then don't want to explain how they did it? Leave it to the women to sort out. Like we haven't got enough crap to deal with.

Men who don't want to talk about sex to their kids need to grow up and get real. You protect your kids by teaching them to cross the road properly... why not teach them about sex and safety.. It seems ridiculous to me that some men can't talk openly and honestly to their kids.

LouiseR

Absolutely great post!

Gems

Years ago for my eldest hubby did 'the talk'.

However with my other kids, hubby noticed at school (Primary teacher) they use educational DVDs and you can buy them yourself.

We let the kids watch it, then asked them if they wanted to ask any questions and checked they understood it. (I discussed girly stuff with daughter)

Worked great, and DVD was for boys and girls without being explicit. Started simply about body changes, eg using deoderant and went on from there.

Id recommend education DVDs.

Gems

Lord_Farquar

Even easier. Don't have kids. Die rich.

LouiseR

Absolutely pointless dying rich. No one cares if you're the richest corpse in the grave yard... unless you have children who stand to get some inheritance!

Kim67

Tell them to look it up on youtube, that's what modern living's all about - that's what my kids did the other day when they wanted to know how cats got pregnant.

Pollyana

Better still. Don't have kids, enjoy the money yoruself. Die poor

Broad Shoulders

I think if you make it about "the talk" you are probably not going to get the message across. The kids will likely feel awkward about it. I think the best thing you could do is make sure your kids are secure and comfortable with asking you anything and they will ask you the questions they want answers to in time and when they are ready. My boys are still very young but they both know everything they need to for now just because they ask us questions and we answer them honestly. My oldest boy (5) told his best friend the other day that he was cut out of mummy's tummy and that his friend came out of his mummy's vagina. He said it very nonchalantly and wasn't trying to be funny or mischievous about it and I feel confident that when he wants to know something he will ask.

galba

Thanks to everyone for your replies.

I'm quite comfortable about talking about it, as I'm the one that's being explaining it all up to this point. However, I just feel that the emotional/physical side of things should come from their father and not some teacher at school. I want them to know that they can come to us and discuss anything and we will listen. They have had a very protected existence so far (due to our expat lifestyle) - they don't tend to question very much, not like the girls anyway, and are happy with a quick explanation. They haven't really come across any kids who are a bit more 'streetwise' but ultimately they will and I want them to be armed with the correct information and a sense of what is ok and what is not.

I like the suggestion about the DVD - OH might learn a thing or two.

galba

Too late for that - they're here!