rocket01

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to
my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of
characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically
comes up with a suggestion:

'If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of
toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds'

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in
front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.

'How long will this take?' I asked.

'They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies.

I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper
between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the
years?'

Without missing a beat he says 'Worked for your arse, didn't it?'

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk
again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a
straw

rocket01

The Jackson family have rented a house in Appledore http://www.northdevongazette.co.uk/n...A37%3A32%3A340

Michael Jackson is reported to have purchased the nearby Combe Martin Dinosaur Park for an undisclosed sum.

He told a local reporter that " I want to make sure all children leave the theme park with a Megasaurarse."

rocket01

a female journalist goes out to Kuwait to do a story on gender roles, just before the outbreak of the gulf war. she notes with some dismay that the women of the country customarily walk about ten feet behind their men.
several years later she returns to see if there has been any change in these gender roles.
she is suprised to find , on her return that the men now walk ten feet behind the women.
this is marvellous she says , what enabled the women here to effect such a reversal in roles.
simple a young woman replies....
land mines.

FlirtyKnickers

Brilliant

rocket01

Little Johnny keeps asking his Dad for a television
in his bedroom, to which his Dad keeps saying "No".
After all the nagging, he agrees and says, "OK"

Several nights later Johnny comes downstairs and
asks, "Dad, what's Love, Juice?"

Dad is horrified, and after looking at Mum who's
also gob smacked, proceeds to give his son the whole
works, warts and all.

Johnny now sits on sofa with his mouth open in
amazement.

Dad asks, "So, what is it you've been watching
then Son?"


















Johnny replies "Wimbledon."

FlirtyKnickers

rocket01

Pat is getting a bit vain in his old age and wants to admire his body so he goes down to the local mirror shop. After a while he finds the ideal one, very ornate and full length. "Sir", says the owner, "please don't buy that one, it's a magic mirror but it's evil." Pat was not to be denied and buys the mirror and hangs it on the back of the bedroom door.

Next morning he stands in front of the mirror admiring his body when he realises that he isn't that well endowed. Remembering that it was a magic mirror he stood there and recited "Mirror, mirror on the wall, make my tool touch the floor."


His legs fell off.

Cleopatra

rocket01

a woman was walking down a country lane and as she came to a fork in the lane she couldn't decide which way to go, that is until down the left hand fork, in the distance she saw a big strapping guy.
so she headed towards him, thinking that it was such a long time ago that she had had sex.
as she got to within about a 100 mtrs of him, he picked a tractor up and threw it over a hedge into a field.
the woman was suitably impressed with his show of strenght.
as she got to within 50 mtrs of him he picked a plough up and threw that over the hedge into the field.
by this time the woman, having seen his rippling biceps was getting very horny.
as she got within whispering distance she could contain herself no longer and said to him " i want f**king "
the man replied " so do i, i'v just ploughed the wrong f**king field "

Cleopatra

rocket01

A couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about a West
African "bush tribe" whose men all had penises 24 inches long.

When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his
penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight
stretches the penis to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his
wife looked at him and said, 'How about we try the African string-and-
weight procedure?

'The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.

A few days later, the wife asked the husband,'How is our little
"tribal experiment" coming along?'

'Well, it looks like we're about half way there,' he replied.

'Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?'





















'No, it's turned black.

rocket01

Son asked his mother the following question:

"Mom, why are wedding dresses white?" The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure."

The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.

"Dad why are wedding dresses white?"

The father looks at his son in surprise and says,


"Son, all household appliances come in white."

cazw1405

The FBI had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there

were 3 finalists; two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal

door and handed him a gun.



"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the

circumstances.

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair . . . Kill

her!!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife

and go home."



The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went

>into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes.

The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my

wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take

your wife home."

>

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to

kill her husband. She took the gun and went into

the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming,

crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes,

all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the

sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded

with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."







MORAL:

Women

. Don't mess with them.

FlirtyKnickers

Fantastic....

cazw1405

Two builders (Dave and Stuart) are seated either side of a table in a
rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a
stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the
occupation of the suit...

Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant.
Stuart: - No way - he's a geologist.
Dave: - He ain't no geologist ! A geologist wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets
the better of Dave and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet
he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several
beers get the better of the builder...

Dave: - Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering
what you do for a living?
Suit: - No offence taken ! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession !
Dave: - Oh ! What's that then ?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ...Do you have a goldfish at
home?
Dave: - Er ... mmm ... well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a
pond. Which is it?
Dave: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large
garden then?
Dave: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a
large garden then you have a large house?
Dave: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house...built it myself!
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical
to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are
quite probably married?
Dave: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active
with your wife on a regular basis?
Dave: - Yep! Four nights a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate
very often?
Dave: - Me? Never
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Dave: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you
about your sex life!
Dave: - I see! That's pretty impressive... thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.

Stuart: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Dave: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Stuart: - What's that then?
Dave:- I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Stuart: - Nope
Dave: - Well then, you're a wanker