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Need to have a vent about my DH

Need to have a vent about my DH

Old Apr 21st 2008, 12:36 am
  #1  
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Default Need to have a vent about my DH

He is having his procrastinating, stubborn phase again and wont discuss Oz. He insists it's not that he has decided against the move but he seems to be firmly in the world of that he wont get a job yaddah yaddah yaddah.
Cause there appear not be jobs in Extreme Networking (something in IT) he says he wont get a job. He can do other support and networking roles but is convinced that this wont happen as he doesn't have formal quals. (Only 25 yrs working for Government)
I have suggested that he apply for some jobs now just to see if he gets any interest. I have pm'd a number of you guys for info and been told that there are lots of IT jobs but none of this seems to help.
I said to him today that if he just wants to give up on it thats ok I just need to know as this has been going on for years now I CANT StAND IT!
I read everything about emigrating and life in Oz and me and the kids want to go and I just need him to get his arse in gear! :curse: .....I always seem to be back here waiting for him....
Anyway I just thought I would let you know HOW FRUSTRATED I AM...AGAIN!
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Old Apr 21st 2008, 1:17 am
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Default Re: Need to have a vent about my DH

He doesn't want to go.
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Old Apr 21st 2008, 2:54 am
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Default Re: Need to have a vent about my DH

I agree, it sounds like he really doesn't want to go but doesnt want to finalise the decision as to avoid confronting the whole issue.

Force his hand, get him to come out with it and make a decision and then say to him that if Australia is not on the agenda, now would be the time to talk to him about areas of your lives that need addressing or changing.

Because something tells me that you might resent him for his decision, so before you go any further talk to him about it and see what you can come up with.

You will have sacraficed your dreams for him, he must be prepared to make changes to improve your life in the UK (if it needs it) and more importantly, he must realise that you have given up something that you really wanted.

Now that alone on his part is something to be very aware of.
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Old Apr 21st 2008, 3:09 am
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Default Re: Need to have a vent about my DH

Originally Posted by Babycatcher View Post
He is having his procrastinating, stubborn phase again and wont discuss Oz. He insists it's not that he has decided against the move but he seems to be firmly in the world of that he wont get a job yaddah yaddah yaddah.
Cause there appear not be jobs in Extreme Networking (something in IT) he says he wont get a job. He can do other support and networking roles but is convinced that this wont happen as he doesn't have formal quals. (Only 25 yrs working for Government)
I have suggested that he apply for some jobs now just to see if he gets any interest. I have pm'd a number of you guys for info and been told that there are lots of IT jobs but none of this seems to help.
I said to him today that if he just wants to give up on it thats ok I just need to know as this has been going on for years now I CANT StAND IT!
I read everything about emigrating and life in Oz and me and the kids want to go and I just need him to get his arse in gear! :curse: .....I always seem to be back here waiting for him....
Anyway I just thought I would let you know HOW FRUSTRATED I AM...AGAIN!

Sounds like 1 of 2 things to me:

1 He really doesnt want to go

2 He is crapping himself really but doesnt want to admit it!!

I think you have to sit down and calmly ask him his real feelings on the move. You might not get the answer you were looking for, but at least you wont waste anymore time dreaming....

Good luck!!

( however if its good news then PM me as my husband used a sh*t hot agency in the UK who got him great work here)
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Old Apr 21st 2008, 3:14 am
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Default Re: Need to have a vent about my DH

Originally Posted by Professional Princess View Post
I agree, it sounds like he really doesn't want to go but doesnt want to finalise the decision as to avoid confronting the whole issue.

Force his hand, get him to come out with it and make a decision and then say to him that if Australia is not on the agenda, now would be the time to talk to him about areas of your lives that need addressing or changing.

Because something tells me that you might resent him for his decision, so before you go any further talk to him about it and see what you can come up with.

You will have sacraficed your dreams for him, he must be prepared to make changes to improve your life in the UK (if it needs it) and more importantly, he must realise that you have given up something that you really wanted.

Now that alone on his part is something to be very aware of.
Sorry to disagree, What about what he wants? There's 2 people involved and if any one of them isn't going to be happy and fulfilled here then neither should force it emotionally or otherwise on the other. Also if the relationship is anything other than 110% then I don't think they should do it unless divorce and separation is something they really want to contend with.

As for the IT thing with his legitimate concerns, He has 25 years under his belt and has probably made it a fair way up the ladder in his career, From my experience here he will almost certainly be back down the bottom again or more likely doing something he is way over qualified for here.

Personally I think it's wrong for one partner to emotionally blackmail the other into the move. It can only end one way IMO.
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Old Apr 21st 2008, 3:27 am
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Default Re: Need to have a vent about my DH

Originally Posted by arkon View Post
Sorry to disagree, What about what he wants? There's 2 people involved and if any one of them isn't going to be happy and fulfilled here then neither should force it emotionally or otherwise on the other. Also if the relationship is anything other than 110% then I don't think they should do it unless divorce and separation is something they really want to contend with.

As for the IT thing with his legitimate concerns, He has 25 years under his belt and has probably made it a fair way up the ladder in his career, From my experience here he will almost certainly be back down the bottom again or more likely doing something he is way over qualified for here.

Personally I think it's wrong for one partner to emotionally blackmail the other into the move. It can only end one way IMO.

Arkon mate you got me wrong.

I am saying that in any situation when one person has to sacrafice something for the other then not only could there be resentment, but other stuff might need addressing as well.

Years ago my husband was offered a job as an international chef trainer for a large restaurant chain. The job would involve anything up to six months away perhaps more with me sitting at home.

I was not happy about it, being a part time wife was not what I had signed up for. Mr PP wanted to go but when I asked him if he would be happy if I buggered off for 6 months at a time, he said 'That's different, you are a woman and more vulnerable'.

It was only when I made him address those issues that he would be worried about me meeting someone else or us growing apart - lets face it months away from home and sometimes things can happen, especially when this is not how we started married life.

Mr PP realised that he would not like me to do it and understood why I didn't want him to so turned down the job.

Being aware that he might resent me, we discussed loads of stuff about how we might improve things about our everyday life and it worked.

But I tell you one thing, he wanted that and I didn't and I am to this day fully aware of the sacrafice he did for me, although now he is glad he never did it.

What one person wants in a marriage and out of their life is as important as their partners.

Hence the reason why I said one should always be aware of the sacrafice that their partner makes for them.

I never meant it any other way.
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Old Apr 21st 2008, 3:38 am
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Default Re: Need to have a vent about my DH

I understood what you meant PP.

I agree with Arkon though on the marriage... if it's not strong with excellent communication, forget it. Get the life you want together in the same place and if you don't want to do that, then separate.
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Old Apr 21st 2008, 4:01 am
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Default Re: Need to have a vent about my DH

Although I've worked in IT I'm no techie (just bossy ) but I remember you posting about this before. I'd never heard of "Extreme Networking" so I googled it then, and was no clearer. I asked my Geek husband (sells software for a living) and he wasn't too sure either. Is it a recent knobby term thought up by somebody in Marketing? Is it a brand name for something we all know anyway? Or is it a bona fide area of expertise?

I'm coming up with a couple of theories from this and from what you've posted above.

1. He's being far too limited in his job searches.

2. (agree with justsarah) He's scared stiff of trying to get a job and failing you, as he has no qualifications. I can sympathise with this as I worked my way up too and now it counts for jack all in most places.

Whatever the reasons, I really don't know the answer to one partner wanting to go, and one not. Somebody has to compromise on what they want, and hope they can make a go of it. I do know a couple that split over it.

Wishing you luck in your negotiations.
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Old Apr 21st 2008, 8:04 am
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Default Re: Need to have a vent about my DH

He's not procrastinating, he's the husband/father/breadwinner and he's terrified he won't be able to be the breadwinner and will therefore struggle to be the husband and father. If it's been going on for years, I'd say he doesn't really deep down want to come over.

Sit down when the kids are in bed and talk. Ignore the job thing, just get deep down and dirty on what's really bothering him.
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Old Apr 21st 2008, 5:10 pm
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Default Re: Need to have a vent about my DH

Thanks guys I really appreciate your support.
I don't think that DH doesn't want to go, he would say so no holds barred - he is not shy of confrontation! and has said he likes the idea...
I do think that he is really crapping himself about the breadwinner issues. He has always been the responsible one and I love him for that. I think this fear paralyses him. He has also never been great with change...moving house, kids, marriage, job change - he was similar.
But I have realised that I am not good at patience! I need to back off and give him the time he needs. I think looking at the real prospects job will help but if it's not for him I am totally prepared not to go, if it wouldn't make him happy. I would grieve for that dream being over but my marriage is more important. He would feel bad enough but we would need to reassess what we are doing here as I think it is very unsettling when your are contemplating emigrating and makes you detach from your life here a bit - if that makes sense.
Anyway, thanks again - and thanks to RedT for your lovely PM, I replied.
Will keep you posted and carry on dreaming... never know they might come true yet
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Old Apr 21st 2008, 9:09 pm
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Default Re: Need to have a vent about my DH

[QUOTE=Seasider;6240540]Although I've worked in IT I'm no techie (just bossy ) but I remember you posting about this before. I'd never heard of "Extreme Networking" so I googled it then, and was no clearer. I asked my Geek husband (sells software for a living) and he wasn't too sure either. Is it a recent knobby term thought up by somebody in Marketing? Is it a brand name for something we all know anyway? Or is it a bona fide area of expertise?


I have know idea what this means but here it is:
http://www.extremenetworks.com/about...e/default.aspx
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Old Apr 21st 2008, 9:14 pm
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Default Re: Need to have a vent about my DH

Originally Posted by arkon View Post

What about what he wants? There's 2 people involved and if any one of them isn't going to be happy and fulfilled here then neither should force it emotionally or otherwise on the other. Also if the relationship is anything other than 110% then I don't think they should do it unless divorce and separation is something they really want to contend with.

Agree totally.
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Old Apr 22nd 2008, 12:23 am
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Default Re: Need to have a vent about my DH

Originally Posted by moneypen20 View Post
He's not procrastinating, he's the husband/father/breadwinner and he's terrified he won't be able to be the breadwinner and will therefore struggle to be the husband and father. If it's been going on for years, I'd say he doesn't really deep down want to come over.

Sit down when the kids are in bed and talk. Ignore the job thing, just get deep down and dirty on what's really bothering him.
Well said Moneypen.
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Old Apr 22nd 2008, 9:02 am
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Default Re: Need to have a vent about my DH

Originally Posted by Babycatcher View Post
Thanks guys I really appreciate your support.
I don't think that DH doesn't want to go, he would say so no holds barred - he is not shy of confrontation! and has said he likes the idea...
I do think that he is really crapping himself about the breadwinner issues. He has always been the responsible one and I love him for that. I think this fear paralyses him. He has also never been great with change...moving house, kids, marriage, job change - he was similar.
But I have realised that I am not good at patience! I need to back off and give him the time he needs. I think looking at the real prospects job will help but if it's not for him I am totally prepared not to go, if it wouldn't make him happy. I would grieve for that dream being over but my marriage is more important. He would feel bad enough but we would need to reassess what we are doing here as I think it is very unsettling when your are contemplating emigrating and makes you detach from your life here a bit - if that makes sense.
Anyway, thanks again - and thanks to RedT for your lovely PM, I replied.
Will keep you posted and carry on dreaming... never know they might come true yet
My guy was exactly the same, he is an issue avoider of the first class and unless I pushed it with him we would get nowhere.
I found that he was worried about not being able to provide, especially now we have a baby, and to get over this I basically applied for a couple of jobs for him and when he got his first job offer (within 1 day I might add) he totally changed his outlook and now cant wait to go.
This was also helped by the fact that I got him into the Skills expo thing at Australia house too and when there he came away with another 2 offers, one of which was even offering to fly us all out, put us up for the first 2 weeks and loan us a car for 2 weeks plus other benefits.
This really seems to have worked and now he is champing at the bit to go.

I reckon you should start fireing off some CVs on his behalf, I dont see the harm in it - its not like he has to take a job, but it may prove that there are jobs out there, however, it may also prove that its not that easy and his fears are well founded, in which case you will also have a new perspective on things.

Either way, a job isnt going to come and find you and the only way to find out is to look and see, then a decision can be made.

Hope that helps
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Old Apr 22nd 2008, 9:07 am
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Default Re: Need to have a vent about my DH

Originally Posted by Kris_Rocks View Post
I reckon you should start fireing off some CVs on his behalf, I dont see the harm in it - its not like he has to take a job, but it may prove that there are jobs out there, however, it may also prove that its not that easy and his fears are well founded, in which case you will also have a new perspective on things.
Just to say, I think that's really good advice & is fair to both of you. Nice one Kris
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