How do they do it?
Apr 3rd 2006, 10:23 pm
#1
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How do they do it?
How do your kids manage to dig down deep and hurt you? They can be so cruel at times - Maybe I am getting old - but I can't remember being half as angry/bitter/nasty towards my mum. Or is it me?
I am beginning to wonder
I am beginning to wonder
Apr 3rd 2006, 10:30 pm
#2
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Re: How do they do it?
Originally Posted by sasbear
How do your kids manage to dig down deep and hurt you? They can be so cruel at times - Maybe I am getting old - but I can't remember being half as angry/bitter/nasty towards my mum. Or is it me?
I am beginning to wonder
I am beginning to wonder
What have they said to you?
Apr 3rd 2006, 10:32 pm
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Re: How do they do it?
Originally Posted by sasbear
How do your kids manage to dig down deep and hurt you? They can be so cruel at times - Maybe I am getting old - but I can't remember being half as angry/bitter/nasty towards my mum. Or is it me?
I am beginning to wonder
I am beginning to wonder
Naaa... you've just forgotten.
They start at around 3 when they tell you they don't love you any more because you said 'no' to another chocolate bar... and then it doesn't really change, but the criteria do... So you say no to them being out until 3am and they tell you they don't love you, but in a more cutting, sarcastic way.
Sasbear, let it flow off you ... assume a Zen-like stance and smile at them. They don't really know what they're doing and they'll be ashamed of it when they're adults.
Then they'll have their own children and very soon, they'll be asking the very same thing on a message board.
Apr 3rd 2006, 10:32 pm
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Re: How do they do it?
Originally Posted by Professional Princess
What have they said to you?
Bad parent - selfish - the usual - ever doubt yourself? I do - I really do - maybe she is right
Apr 3rd 2006, 10:35 pm
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Re: How do they do it?
Originally Posted by iPom
Naaa... you've just forgotten.
They start at around 3 when they tell you they don't love you any more because you said 'no' to another chocolate bar... and then it doesn't really change, but the criteria do... So you say no to them being out until 3am and they tell you they don't love you, but in a more cutting, sarcastic way.
Sasbear, let it flow off you ... assume a Zen-like stance and smile at them. They don't really know what they're doing and they'll be ashamed of it when they're adults.
Then they'll have their own children and very soon, they'll be asking the very same thing on a message board.
They start at around 3 when they tell you they don't love you any more because you said 'no' to another chocolate bar... and then it doesn't really change, but the criteria do... So you say no to them being out until 3am and they tell you they don't love you, but in a more cutting, sarcastic way.
Sasbear, let it flow off you ... assume a Zen-like stance and smile at them. They don't really know what they're doing and they'll be ashamed of it when they're adults.
Then they'll have their own children and very soon, they'll be asking the very same thing on a message board.
thanks - a voice of sanity - easy advice to give - but am trying not to listen to the nagging voice saying (maybe she is right) bloody kids - I wish I would have known how hard it can be to be a parent - it is so bloody hard - sorry - feeling down and upset must be PMT
I will try to cheer up
Apr 3rd 2006, 10:37 pm
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Re: How do they do it?
Originally Posted by sasbear
Bad parent - selfish - the usual - ever doubt yourself? I do - I really do - maybe she is right
Im not a parent but as my Mum said once 'I say no to things I think are not good for you, can potentially harm you and that could potentially result in you becoming nastily spoiled and if that makes me a bad parent, then better that than one that made a mistake to your cost'
The word 'no' is for a reason.
(hugs)
Sam
Apr 3rd 2006, 10:40 pm
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Re: How do they do it?
Originally Posted by Professional Princess
Im not a parent but as my Mum said once 'I say no to things I think are not good for you, can potentially harm you and that could potentially result in you becoming nastily spoiled and if that makes me a bad parent, then better that than one that made a mistake to your cost'
The word 'no' is for a reason.
(hugs)
Sam
The word 'no' is for a reason.
(hugs)
Sam
xx
Sarah
Apr 3rd 2006, 10:44 pm
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Re: How do they do it?
Originally Posted by sasbear
thanks - a voice of sanity - easy advice to give - but am trying not to listen to the nagging voice saying (maybe she is right) bloody kids - I wish I would have known how hard it can be to be a parent - it is so bloody hard - sorry - feeling down and upset must be PMT I will try to cheer up
I will try to cheer upI have three children - age 3,6 and 9... The two eldest are girls and have been very good at being 'pre-teen' with me.
I went through that phase of saying 'That's how your friends at school might treat THEIR mothers, but it isn't how you treat yours' etc.
Sas, it's a hard job and damn, it's tiring and yes, sometimes it has real lows... but you know, you got them this far and they're still alive and they're healthy... You must be doing something right!!!
Chin up, honey ... I've been chanting to myself 'It's just a phase' since they were born... and it's true! It's always 'just a phase'... Hang in there.
Apr 3rd 2006, 10:50 pm
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Re: How do they do it?
Originally Posted by iPom
I have three children - age 3,6 and 9... The two eldest are girls and have been very good at being 'pre-teen' with me.
I went through that phase of saying 'That's how your friends at school might treat THEIR mothers, but it isn't how you treat yours' etc.
Sas, it's a hard job and damn, it's tiring and yes, sometimes it has real lows... but you know, you got them this far and they're still alive and they're healthy... You must be doing something right!!!
Chin up, honey ... I've been chanting to myself 'It's just a phase' since they were born... and it's true! It's always 'just a phase'... Hang in there.
I went through that phase of saying 'That's how your friends at school might treat THEIR mothers, but it isn't how you treat yours' etc.
Sas, it's a hard job and damn, it's tiring and yes, sometimes it has real lows... but you know, you got them this far and they're still alive and they're healthy... You must be doing something right!!!
Chin up, honey ... I've been chanting to myself 'It's just a phase' since they were born... and it's true! It's always 'just a phase'... Hang in there.
I know what you are saying makes sense - most of the time I manage to 'keep it together' - just having a bad moment. I keep saying to myself - I won't let her upset me again - and she is only saying it as she wants to hit out and hurt me because something is not going right in her life - you laways hurt the ones you love - but she seems to catch me off balance at times. arghh kids - was I ever this bad??? (note to self - ask my mum)
Sarah
Apr 3rd 2006, 10:58 pm
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Re: How do they do it?
I think it's pretty miraculous if we were all always nice to our mothers.
However, if she's being horrible to you, how about you swap tactics and take her out after school tomorrow for an ice cream or sundae, do a bit of girly shopping together (buy her a new t-shirt or something) and have a chat. Tell her you know she's having a tough time but that it really hurts you when she turns on you ...and that you don't want to go there because you're family and family needs to stick together.
I sometimes find that charm as a tactic really takes them off balance and shows them you care more than going off the deep end.
You've moved country, I'm guessing she's a teen and hell, it's hard. Give yourselves a break and go do something nice for each other.
If you keep butting heads then that'll be your pattern... Blow the pattern, is my advice .... Get yourselves a new one.
x
However, if she's being horrible to you, how about you swap tactics and take her out after school tomorrow for an ice cream or sundae, do a bit of girly shopping together (buy her a new t-shirt or something) and have a chat. Tell her you know she's having a tough time but that it really hurts you when she turns on you ...and that you don't want to go there because you're family and family needs to stick together.
I sometimes find that charm as a tactic really takes them off balance and shows them you care more than going off the deep end.
You've moved country, I'm guessing she's a teen and hell, it's hard. Give yourselves a break and go do something nice for each other.
If you keep butting heads then that'll be your pattern... Blow the pattern, is my advice .... Get yourselves a new one.
x
Apr 3rd 2006, 11:03 pm
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Re: How do they do it?
Originally Posted by iPom
I think it's pretty miraculous if we were all always nice to our mothers.
However, if she's being horrible to you, how about you swap tactics and take her out after school tomorrow for an ice cream or sundae, do a bit of girly shopping together (buy her a new t-shirt or something) and have a chat. Tell her you know she's having a tough time but that it really hurts you when she turns on you ...and that you don't want to go there because you're family and family needs to stick together.
I sometimes find that charm as a tactic really takes them off balance and shows them you care more than going off the deep end.
You've moved country, I'm guessing she's a teen and hell, it's hard. Give yourselves a break and go do something nice for each other.
If you keep butting heads then that'll be your pattern... Blow the pattern, is my advice .... Get yourselves a new one.
x
However, if she's being horrible to you, how about you swap tactics and take her out after school tomorrow for an ice cream or sundae, do a bit of girly shopping together (buy her a new t-shirt or something) and have a chat. Tell her you know she's having a tough time but that it really hurts you when she turns on you ...and that you don't want to go there because you're family and family needs to stick together.
I sometimes find that charm as a tactic really takes them off balance and shows them you care more than going off the deep end.
You've moved country, I'm guessing she's a teen and hell, it's hard. Give yourselves a break and go do something nice for each other.
If you keep butting heads then that'll be your pattern... Blow the pattern, is my advice .... Get yourselves a new one.
x
Apr 4th 2006, 1:04 am
#12
Susie..
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Re: How do they do it?
Originally Posted by sasbear
Oh how I wish - sorry - I didn't explain - she is in the UK and I am here - bad mother eh?
If they were here with you its easier to work things out - i have gone a few days with us not 'talking' and then guilt sets in and I always am the first (and so I should be I suppose) to give in and call. I think things hurt us more than kids, they kinda brush it off and forget it and we dwell on things.
Give it a day or two and call and Im sure it will all be sorted.
Before you know it they will be in their twenties and the teen years will be a distant memory. Have a glass of wine and chill !!
Sue
Apr 4th 2006, 1:11 am
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Re: How do they do it?
Originally Posted by Andrew Cross
I know exactly how you feel. My teenage son is still in the UK and if he says something on the phone or MSN its hard to know what to do.
If they were here with you its easier to work things out - i have gone a few days with us not 'talking' and then guilt sets in and I always am the first (and so I should be I suppose) to give in and call. I think things hurt us more than kids, they kinda brush it off and forget it and we dwell on things.
Give it a day or two and call and Im sure it will all be sorted.
Before you know it they will be in their twenties and the teen years will be a distant memory. Have a glass of wine and chill !!
Sue
If they were here with you its easier to work things out - i have gone a few days with us not 'talking' and then guilt sets in and I always am the first (and so I should be I suppose) to give in and call. I think things hurt us more than kids, they kinda brush it off and forget it and we dwell on things.
Give it a day or two and call and Im sure it will all be sorted.
Before you know it they will be in their twenties and the teen years will be a distant memory. Have a glass of wine and chill !!
Sue
thanks - it is really hard isn't it? She is only 16 but I haven't seen her for 2 years - and our relationship is extremely thin at the moment as she didn't not only 'not want to come' she didn't want me to leave her. _ what can you do? I keep bangin my head against this question. Should I have stayed in the UK against my husbands and son,s and step-daughters wishes for the sake of my daughter who didn't want to come. Or did I do the right thing? O I drive myself stupid sometimes - i try not to think too hard - thanks for the advice.
How old is your son? and is he with family?
Sarah
Apr 4th 2006, 1:22 am
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Susie..
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Re: How do they do it?
Originally Posted by sasbear
thanks - it is really hard isn't it? She is only 16 but I haven't seen her for 2 years - and our relationship is extremely thin at the moment as she didn't not only 'not want to come' she didn't want me to leave her. _ what can you do? I keep bangin my head against this question. Should I have stayed in the UK against my husbands and son,s and step-daughters wishes for the sake of my daughter who didn't want to come. Or did I do the right thing? O I drive myself stupid sometimes - i try not to think too hard - thanks for the advice.
How old is your son? and is he with family?
Sarah
How old is your son? and is he with family?
Sarah
Have you asked your daughter to come out for a visit, she may find its much better than she thought, and decide to stay. Its very hard and there are no right or wrong answers here, but just keep in touch with her and encourage the family to do the same.... Sue x
Apr 4th 2006, 1:29 am
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Re: How do they do it?
Originally Posted by Andrew Cross
He is 17 and at college. He is staying with my mum and dad who dote on him and love having him there. When we were planning our move he oringinally was coming then decided to stay. I didn't want him to stay but my husband said he's nearly 18 and if he's made him mind up we cant drag him there, also my parents were all for him staying and finishing his college course. We have only been in NZ for three months but I think about him all the time and asked him if he would come out for Easter. He said yes and has been here a week with one more left. Its been great having him here and I feel my family is complete again, with his brothers and sister also delighted he's here. Yesterday when we were out he said he could see himself living here, which was music to my ears until he said 'but not just yet'...maybe in a couple of years or so. I dont want to wait that long because I feel that he will be an adult then (so to speak) and not really 'need me' anymore..... does that sound daft????
Have you asked your daughter to come out for a visit, she may find its much better than she thought, and decide to stay. Its very hard and there are no right or wrong answers here, but just keep in touch with her and encourage the family to do the same.... Sue x
Have you asked your daughter to come out for a visit, she may find its much better than she thought, and decide to stay. Its very hard and there are no right or wrong answers here, but just keep in touch with her and encourage the family to do the same.... Sue x
I had to leave her with her dad (well this may sound bitter - but actually it was with his girlfriend as he works long hours - so only sees her about 10 hours a week) that is what I find hard - I suppose she chose another woman over her mum. She didn't really choose her dad - here I go again....
Anyhow - she was due to come out with us and on the application until the last minute - but then she changed her mind - her dad withdrew permission and I couldn't even get her to remain on the visa application and at least validate it and dcide later. I think she regrets it now and maybe that is why she is giving me a hard time for leaving her (abandoning her - her words).
I have asked her if she wants to visit - but she has refused. Part of me wants to fly back this year and spend some time together - but I really don't think she would spare me much time - and it is a long way to go to have 'the door shut in your face'.
Kids! Maybe she will hange her mind?
When does your son finish his studies? How old are the other kids?