Having a bad day
 

As some of you may know my teen (15), is due to come to aus at end june, she had to come over with us initially to validate, she stayed for a couple of weeks then went back to scotland to sit exams, well that was only a small part of it really, she has never wanted to come to aus, and for some reason the going back and spending one last summer with her mates seemed to be making it more bearable for her, i felt it was giving her some degree of control that she needed.

Anyway, she was on the phone last night and made it quite clear she loves us but still does not want to come, but knows she has to as she is only 15:(

Today am panic stricken with the thought of her coming over, was even on estate agent sites in scotland to look at rental places which we could go to if we returned:ohmy:

Re: Having a bad day
 

You can only encourage her to do what you would like for her. The bottom line is maybe that you insist she comes for a year and see how it goes then allow her to make her own decision with you supporting that decision, as hard as it maybe.
I'm finding it hard to let go and allow my teen to make her own choices, many of which I don't agree with. They are on the cusp of adulthood and must make these decision and the mistakes that go with them. We as parents need to support, guide and pick up the pieces. This is the crap bit of being a parent.

Re: Having a bad day
 

Poor you , must be a horrible position to be in. Its so much easier to go when the kids are younger. Dont know what else to say other than i hope when she returns to Australia she can make some friends as they are so importent at that age.

Good luck

Nicky :)

Re: Having a bad day
 

A couple of weeks ago i sent her a letter more or less stating what you said,:), if she wants to go back in a year then we will all have to go, as we have virtually no family (she is staying with a family friend at the mo.):)

Re: Having a bad day
 

Good for you :)

Teen daughters are horrible :(

Its important though to live your life as well, as much as you are giving her an adult life.

Good luck Margaret - keep us updated


edit: sorry Mags didn't see the we all will have to go back bit. Try not to make hasty decisions - she wil be all grown up and long gone in a few years from now and you may have a life time of regrets

Re: Having a bad day
 

I see the bit about you all having to go back but she has to understand that the world doesn't revolve around her and should you have to go back, the rest of you will feel the same way she feels now. She wants to behave like an adult she has to take the shit as well.

I honestly think that after a year here which you have to make her do, she will feel differently. She is getting to the age where all the friends will be moving in different directions anyway.

Re: Having a bad day
 

Mags, I cant pretend to know what you are going through...

All I have to say is, if it were my daughter and I in this situation, I would fly back,without telling her, pack her belongings and fly back with her...promising her I will re pack her bags and see her off to the airport when she is of a more mature, realistic age.

Re: Having a bad day
 

I hve tried to tell her this , but does a 15 year old ever listen to their parents, lol.
I know am been totally irational today, and i have actually been physically sick with the thought of her coming and the worry of it all, right now booking flights and jacking it all in seems like the escape route:huh:

Re: Having a bad day
 

Margaret, do you think it's worse while she's still around her friends?

They are more than likely sat around, moaning at her and telling her that it's going to be rubbish and she is obviously going to agree with them.

I think that when she is away from them, she may just come round. Especially if you intend to get her into school here where she will make more friends.

I wouldn't be telling her that you'll give her a year to settle then go back with her if she doesn't like it, I'd say if you don't settle you can go back but you'll have to fend for yourself. Even if you don't mean it, it may just make her think a little and at least give it a go.

I really hope that it turns out like it did for me with my lad, he hated the idea before we came, but now has if I gave him the choice, he would stay here.

Re: Having a bad day
 

[QUOTE=Wendy;4865641]Margaret, do you think it's worse while she's still around her friends?

They are more than likely sat around, moaning at her and telling her that it's going to be rubbish and she is obviously going to agree with them.

I think that when she is away from them, she may just come round. Especially if you intend to get her into school here where she will make more friends.

who knows wendy, who knows................

am so glad your son settled, it must help you alot to see him ok:)

Re: Having a bad day
 

wish i could be this strong, but am just sooooooooooo worried i am stuffing her and her education up for life:huh:

Re: Having a bad day
 

Well we told him, he had to stay until he was 18. Then it was up to him, he either stayed here or we gave him the money for a flight back but then he was on his own. :D

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But your not, you're trying to do the opposite. She's just too young to realise it yet.

Plus how can you stuff up her education? If she sits exams here, they can be transferred if you do go back. ;)

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But without the guidence of her parents, who's to say that it isn't going to be stuffed up?

I dont want to sound harsh Mags, but you really need to grab hold of the situation and show her who's in control!

Re: Having a bad day
 

I agree with Penny.
She has to learn that with responsibilty comes the harsh realities of life.
I try to explain to my daughter that there is very few friends that I have been friends with since school (well 2 actually :) ) and it will be the same with her.
Like I said in my previous post - don't make any hasty decisions.

Re: Having a bad day
 

i know, i know, i am always positive and strong when i speak to her (well i pretend to be), its , well..........to be honest with myself.............i know she is going to absolutely hate it here, :( dont know fully how to explain this, but in my maternal instinct ............i know...........and the last thing i want is her unhappy, or maybe worse:(,but i would like her to give it a year, and then , heyho, if we have to go back then we do, right now i dont want to, i want to give it a go:)

Re: Having a bad day
 

A year is a long time...Im sure she will find something to be happy about in that short space

Re: Having a bad day
 

How do you know that she will hate it in Melbourne ?

Re: Having a bad day
 

Only you know your daughter and what she will like etc but as you know my first born was adamant she would hate it and I had no idea whether she would like it or not but I am obviously harder than you :lol: I haven't asked recently but she is obviously so happy here and still enjoys chatting to UK mates on MSN but she also knows that majority rules in our house and we do not intend to go back so maybe she realised hating it wouldn't help her - I've no idea, she's 14 - indepth psychological discussions don't happen:rofl:

If her life revolves around the gym stuff, I can't see how she wouldn't be happy here.

Let's face it, you guys are trying to make it work but your 'baby' isn't with you, how hard is that? You have taken a major step and that's hard in itself. Tell her she's coming, no argument, and if after she's been here a year, and the rest of you haven't settled as well as you'd hope, you'll THINK about going back, don't give her any more hope than that. Once she's away from the mates she will settle, I'm sure. If she picks up on you being stressed, however much you think you're covering it up, she will push buttons and we all know how good they are at that.

Re: Having a bad day
 

So true Penny, they must get certificates in pushing parental buttons !

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Sometimes I wonder why I wanted them in the first place:eek: doesn't last more than a month at a time though:rofl:

Re: Having a bad day
 

Hi Margaret

My daughter was 15 when she came out, she is now sixteen, she loves it, even if I wanted to go back to UK she has already told me she will not come back with us but will stay here, like your daughter she had loads of really good mates in the UK but she has found some great ones here, tell your daughter if she wants when she gets here I will give her my daughters email address and they could meet up or just chat.

Re: Having a bad day
 

Hi Margaret,

I think you find that most of us who have older teenage children would go through this with them, but given time most of them settle, & never want to go back, my eldest doesnt like he's school much but he said he never wants to go back, just be there for her, and eventually she'll settle down.
good luck, I know what you are going through, we are still having some bad days with him.

Farideh

Re: Having a bad day
 

Hi there

I have actually been one of those teenagers being pulled from pillar to post!! I was taken to the UK from Oz when I was nine which was pretty bad but I guess I didn't really have opinions at that age. Then at 14 we moved back to Australia which was fantastic as I was coming home.....then, at 16 I was taken back to England again and boy oh boy did I kick and scream and threatened to run away, lock myself at the airport toilet, you name it!! I cried all the way from Melbourne to Singapore non stop. I know excatly what your daughter is going through and how desperate it feels....

Saying all that, i had to go I had no choice, you are not an adult at 16!! It didn't take too long to make friends as I was the novelty (always have been, wth the accemts etc) and kids are interested in people from other places. Your daughter will have no problems making frineds and once she settles down she will be fine, but you are going to have to make her come, she is still a child really. I have to say that ever since I was nine, I told myself I would marry an Aussie so I won't hav to put my children through what I went through..moving around all the time, but it has made me who i am and much more worldly wise.
I now live back in Oz because I am an Aussie born and bred and maybe your daughter will decide to go back to the UK one day, but at the moment she needs to do as you say...
GOOD LUCK!!
Courtney

Re: Having a bad day
 

My daughter is like this too. She was the one who even had an avator that was anti-oz before we came ! The biggest concern to her is whether we will ping back and forth . She has said she really doesn't want that to happen - reasonable I thik.

Any how Ive just had a big arguement with her because she wanted to go to an all night Pirates of the Carribean film fest for her friends 15th - I said no adult = no go. She thinks I'm the unreasonable bitch from hell - hey ho another day in paradise !

Re: Having a bad day
 

She's got you sussed then :rofl:

Re: Having a bad day
 

Too right ! OH agrees too :)

Re: Having a bad day
 

Mags - My Mum moved me from rural Ireland to big city England when I was 15. I hated her for doing it, thought she'd ruined my life.
In reality though she had done no such thing and it all worked out for the best.
Within a couple of years all my Irish friends had moved on anyway - between 16 and 18 they all make choices and it very rarely involves them all doing the same thing.
In hindsight the only thing I wish my mum had done differently was make decisions based on the education system I was going into rather than the one I was leaving.
She stayed in Ireland while I did my intercert exams - this meant I was 15 rather than 14 when we came to England. I should have gone into 5th year (the final year of school) but they put me back a year so I could do the whole GCSE course. That really hurt!
Your daughter's a difficult age but it will pass. Make decisions that will be best for you all in the long run.

Re: Having a bad day
 

I think the young un has the spunk of her mother about her.

1) Get her over here.

2) Tell her because of her age she would have to go into a home if she stayed in the Bonnieland and there's no way that's happening.

3) Tell her when she's officially a grown up at 18 she can decide what to do. If that means going back then fair dues.

My lads were 16 & 18 when we emmigrated. Neither wanted to come.
Told the youngest as above.
Told the eldest he was a grownup so could suit himself, stay in UK and fend for himself. He came with us ;)

They were 19 and 21 on the 12 May. I offered them the fare back to UK but got no takers. They are living their lives here now :thumbup:

Re: Having a bad day
 

my 18 year old cant make up his mind whether to come or not, he wants to stay in the Uk but also wants the safety net of mum and dad:blink:

although we are on a 457 it says that he can work if he comes over so no prolems there

I wish he was younger so I could make him come :huh:

Re: Having a bad day
 

We were fortunate in that the thought of setting up home and finding a job in the UK was more scary than leaving the family safety net. :D

We came over on a 457 too. When we visited the local DIMIA to have the labels put in our passports the gent said to me. "You're the unlucky one. You have the restrictions but the rest of the family can do what they want".

I had always been under the impression that the 18 year old could not work else he would lose dependancy on me and hence lose the visa. In the end I reworded the question 3 different ways and each time he assured us he could work with no repurcussions.

It kept bugging me so a couple of days later I phoned the main DIMIA office in Brisbane. "Yes he can work" says the guy "but he'll lose his dependancy". I explained what had transpired and he apologised for the false information we had been given at the local office but it was quite clear that he could not work.

That was a couple of years ago now so double check what you have been told. Maybe the requirements / limitations have changed in that time but somehow I doubt it on this point.

Re: Having a bad day
 

the visa actually says he can work

Re: Having a bad day
 

No words of advice Margaret but just wanted to add that I'm sorry to hear you're having such a hard time. When you live on the other side of the world troubles are so magnified.

I hope it all works out for you - I'm really not sure what I would do in your situation.

Re: Having a bad day
 

Hi Mags I really feel for you, keep strong I am sure that things will work out. From what you have said before I am sure that there are plenty of things in Melbourne to keep your daughter more than occupied IF she will give it a fair go. Her interest and ability in sport will get her a long way here and the education system is not a scary as some people make out.
We are still having difficulties with our eldest but I doubt that he would go back to the UK given the choice as he knows that he would be taking his problems with him. It is hard for them at this stage as their peer group is everything and the thought of making a new set of friends is terrifying. Just support her as you always do and let her find her feet. If she hates it when she is older she will always be able to go back to the UK there is nothing to stop her, but she can't dictate what you all do. As a mother I have hated seeing Sam struggle here but the truth is that the others love it and this was the right move for us. His problems with Australia are more than that, he is just having a tough time at the moment and that happens to lots of people (he will find his way in time).
Good luck and keep with it.
Nicky x

Re: Having a bad day
 

If I remember correctly, so did my sons.

Although dependents do have full work rights I believe a dependant of 18 or over who takes advantage of it may lose their dependancy.

This means when you come to either renew the 457 or apply for a PR visa they cannot be included.

Please humour me and check this as I am not exactly an expert but would feel better if perhaps you put a thread on the IMMI forum to clarify it. :)

Re: Having a bad day
 

Hi courtney, thanks for your post, i would never pull my kids from pillar to post, i think this is one of the problems, she has lived in kilmarnock all her life, infact she had lived in the house all her life, and is she comes here and is happy , then we would stay and i would never, ever, ever put her through this again, i too know how desperate she feels and this is why i am feeling the way i am:(

Re: Having a bad day
 

thanx farideh, heaven help us parents of teens:)

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I would like to thank you all from the bottom of my heart for your replies, it has been a horrible day and you have all helped me through it, thanx to my old pals and my new:D

Re: Having a bad day
 

Hi Mags

I dont know your daughter but FWIW I agree with Wendy. Tell her she has to go over to you until shes 18 then if she wants to go back she can but has to stand on her own two feet. Dont let her dictate to you, (dont know if you have other kids) but its your life too. If the rest of you are happy in Oz you may resent having to come back. Im sure she would settle in once she'd made some friends.

Good luck
Hugs
Joex

Re: Having a bad day
 

I would like to post i have also got another daughter age 8,who has settled quickly, she misses her old life, but loves school here and i would say is getting on better at school here than in scotland, from what i have seen so far, i am extremely impressed with the school, i know there has been some bad press about schools on here, but i cannot fault it so far.

just wanted to add this in the hope it may reassure someone , somewhere on here:)