Re: Going without Daughter?
 

Ah OK, tough one then. It's really hard to make that choice and I really sympathise with you as I have been there too. My son didn't want to come either and stayed in the UK to go to Uni, he's just under half way through his course now and keeps telling me that he will be coming over after it has finished - hope he doesn't change his mind again :unsure:

Lots of people will tell you she is too young to be left on her own, I'm not one of them. People don't give 15/16 year olds a lot of credit sometimes and think they haven't got a clue - that's not always true. I was a parent at 15, not because I 'got into trouble' but because I was with the love of my life and we wanted a family. Everyone said that we were too young to be in love and that we had ruined our lives, but we didn't - I now have the most beautiful, caring, independent and strong 21 year old boy from it all and I wouldn't swap him for the world.

What I'm saying is, talk to her and listen to what she wants, she may just suprise you. Let her know that she can always change her mind if she thinks it's the wrong choice. The decision shouldn't just be laid on your shoulders, she should also take some responsibility for it, after all it's her life and she has to live it how she sees fit, as do you. :)

Re: Going without Daughter?
 

I'll third that one!

Hi Debs, we have discussed this one before...teenage girls!!!:mad:

My eldest (16 in Aug) leaves school this year and she has a boyfriend - been together 4 months. They change their minds so much and so oftern, you can't keep up! She said that she would not go for the medicals and asked me to take her off the application. I have since had another chat with her an now she has agreed to attend the medical which is on Friday, but it all depends which way the wind blows...I am not sure if she will go or not?

I really wish you the very best of luck.:thumbsup:

Debs
x

Re: Going without Daughter?
 

[quote=debbie222;5914035]I'll third that one!

Hi Debs, we have discussed this one before...teenage girls!!!:mad:

My eldest (16 in Aug) leaves school this year and she has a boyfriend - been together 4 months. They change their minds so much and so oftern, you can't keep up! She said that she would not go for the medicals and asked me to take her off the application. I have since had another chat with her an now she has agreed to attend the medical which is on Friday, but it all depends which way the wind blows...I am not sure if she will go or not?



I really wish you the very best of luck.:thumbsup:

Debs

good luck debs hope the wind doesnt change:thumbsup:

no one said it would be so stressful

jan xx:thumbsup:

Re: Going without Daughter?
 

I have a 16 year old son who I'm worried will say he doesn't want to go now. We have got so far and visas are pending . The thought of going without him fills me with dread and I'm not sure we could do it without him. :unsure:

Its so hard and I really feel for you. :(

Re: Going without Daughter?
 

i never in a million years thought id be able to leave one of mine behind but i have such fantastic family and friends they will look out for her in our absence and they will do it well as long as we keep the door open for her and she has a choice thats all we can do
at the end of the day if its not now then maybe in a few more years she would of left us anyway why ruin the rest of my familys chances for it to happen anyway

good luck

jan xx:thumbsup:

Re: Going without Daughter?
 

I remember how selfish I was at 16 and I cringe at the memory:o

I left home at 16, my Mum didnt really want me to but legally could do nothing about it. I had a job with accommodation provided.

I gave no thought to my Mum or her life, just my own life and my own needs. I moved back at 17 for a year and then left home for good.

Not at any point did I consider my Mum, I just wanted to live my life and it was 'my time' to do it I suppose.

The trouble is, putting your life on hold for your son who will have no hesitation on moving along with his, could affect your whole future.

I dont envy you and I am so glad I am not a parent. My only experience is that I have clear memories of how selfish I was at that age and my Mum giving up her dream for me, would not have stopped me living mine.

Hope everything works out for you and your family.:thumbup:

Re: Going without Daughter?
 

nice to hear someones thoughts who has been on the other side

jan xx:thumbsup:

Re: Going without Daughter?
 

Jan

Sounds like your daughter means the world to you, and I am sure she knows that!!

I can remember being that age and was so strong minded, if my Mum said it was blue I would argue it was red and so on! My relationship with my mother has always been and still is awful, infact she came out to see us in October for a 5 week trip and went home again after 2 weeks, needless to say we have not heard from her since, which is upsetting my kids but for the first time in my life I do feel relief!

BUT the reason I am telling you this, is that my Mum never ever told me she loved me or gave me any reason to think she did, never once did she listen to me or even try to understand me, she is still like that now and as a mother of two little ones, I feel totaly horror when I hear myself saying things she used to, my kids both know that I love them unconditionally no matter what they do, I might want to kill them initially but I will always end any row with a cuddle!!

All I think you can do is ensure as you are that your daughter knows she is very loved no matter what she decides and that which ever way she goes right now, if she changes her mind down the track that is totally fine to!!

As someone else said in a couple of years she will be travelling herself around the world and you will be left in the UK, why should you have to continue with that life if your choice is Oz?? It may be the other side of the world, but when you are here it feels so much closer, with webcam, Skype and new aeroplanes cutting the travel time down dramatically, who knows we will all be popping back to the UK for a long weekend in the not to distant future!!

Good Luck Jan, I hope it works out for you both!

Re: Going without Daughter?
 

We came over in October 06 my daughter was 15 turning 16 in the november. Long story cut short we told her she had to come as she was not yet old enough to stay on her even though she could of stayed with her nan and gramp or her boyfriend that she had been dating for a year. Jess was told to come and then on her 17th birthday if she didnt like it we would send her home . As soon as the house sold she turned into the devil but we stood our ground an she got on the plane never spoke to us for the whole flight she sat there sobbing all the way it was horrible . She started school a week later hated it went to a different school made some mates but still insited she hated it but the phone was always ringing for her and weekends we never saw her .If there was an argument it was thrown in our face how we ruined her life ... Had to bann her from using msn for a while aswell . Now we have been here 16 months all settled even jess she has left school and has an apprenticship at the hairdressers and when we talk about the UK she calls it a sh*t hole .It was a hard year for all of us but i am glad i made her come and so is she unless we have just had a argument :D To anyone going through this we are the adults we must make the decision and then when they are old enough if they dont like it they can go back thats my opinion.. Best of luck to everyone
Sam

Re: Going without Daughter?
 

Hi All

We are going down the avenue of forcing our 17 year old to go with us to Aus and have told her that she can return to NZ at 18 years old if she wants to. (We (3 of us)) live in NZ with no family or friends around) We did tell her that if she wanted to stay then she would have to find a job and support herself and she called our bluff by saying that this is what she was going to do. That was before Christmas and here we are in February and she still hasnt found a part time job let alone managing to support herself, so it is slowly sinking in that she hasnt got a lot of choice but to come with us - like it or not.

Our relationship has been a bit strained over the Christmas period, but we are slowly getting back to being fairly normal although we are keeping away from the subject of moving. I think we are all just feeling generally unsettled due to the waiting for the visa and the planning to go part.

I am just hoping that I can tell a similar story to Sam and her daughter in a few years time.

Debbie

Re: Going without Daughter?
 

Hi there,
Well its an awful situation to be in and my situation is similar to the other posters.... Our daughter will be 17 when we move out to Perth in April. She has never really wanted to go, when we got our visas granted last year she just cried and told us she wasnt happy for us. Its been awful. She has a boyfriend of 2 years now, he is older than her which we weren't happy about at the time but he is a nice lad. he is her main reason for not wanting to come with us, she is besotted with him and of course as parents we just dont understand how she feels, typical comment from a teen in love! She left school last year and got herself a full time job and went to live with my mum(we dont live in uk) as it wasnt worth her going to college with us leaving before the school year was out. The problem is that she is now so settled in her work, she's got a social life, boyfriend and family around her and for her, life is perfect at the moment and we just want to ruin it all for her. We have even offered for her boyfriend to come and live with us on a WHV for 12 months so they can both have an adventure, and give her time to settle in and hopefully come round to it all. Now she is saying she doesnt want him to come because she aint coming.:curse:
She is nearly 17 and i dont think she is capable of providing for herself in the full sense of the word. I know legally i cant make her go, but i am. She's already thrown that one at me! I am forcing her to go now even if i have to drag her to the airport by her hair and I have said to her and i dont think im being unreasonable that when she turns 18 she can decide for herself if she wishes to return to Uk or not, if she does, then i'll have to deal with that, but i'll wave her off at the airport and wish her luck. I'm in peices about it all really, we are going out on our recce this saturday morning, which she said she was looking forward to, but only because its a holiday. I do feel mean that im being so strict with her about it, but i want her to at least give it a go and not throw the opportunity away. I'm dreading the fireworks as the time draws nearer and we are just going to have to tough it out,but i could not consider going without her.....
Sorry, dribbled on a bit then....Thanks for reading

I hope it all works out for you all, whichever decision you or your daughters make.

Jo xx

Re: Going without Daughter?
 

As a couple of other people have said, the best thing to do is talk to her about what she wants. You are her mum and probably know her better than anyone else. If she says she is happy for you to go and you believe her then go. BUT if she says she isn't sure about you going I think that if I were you I would give it another year or so for her to grow up a bit more. What ever anyone has said a 16 year old is still a child, legally and emotionally. :)

Re: Going without Daughter?
 

dont forget though once they are 16 you dont have a leg to stand on legally as the police told us when we tried to involve them
you are however still responsable for financial support even if she isnt living with you!!!

how good is that(not)

jan xx:confused:

Re: Going without Daughter?
 

Totally sympathise with you on this one.

We moved to Perth June 07 and left our eldest daughter behind. She was 22 at the time and lived with her boyfriend. We hoped she'd change her mind and join us here. So far she hasn't.

We "forced" our 16 year old son to come. He didn't make a scene and when people asked him if he was looking forward to moving to Oz he just used to say "I have to do what I'm told."

Looking back now perhaps we should've listened more to what he had to say. We moved over bringing him with us. He's a quiet, mature lad who has never been any trouble. Things have not been easy since we arrived and my son has not settled at all. He finished school just before we left Scotland and refused to go back to school here as he felt he had done his 11 years and that was enough. He struggled to find work as he doesn't drive. The result is he never leaves the house, has no friends and hates it here. He now refuses to look for work as he wants to go back to the UK. He says he doesn't want a life here and isn't willing to try. He wants to return and to stay with either my parents or his sister.

My other daughter who came with us is 21. She came on a WHV. Her boyfriend came over in October also on a WHV. He hates it and wants to go back to UK taking her with him.

Never ever when we were making our plans did our dreams consist of Rob and I moving to Oz with none of our family, although it looks as though this is how it may end up.

I hope your story has a happy ending.

Another mixed up Jan x

Re: Going without Daughter?
 

Jan

I really feel for you on this one, it must have been a tough decision to leave your daughter behind, i just cant do it, she will only just be 17. I guess with your son, you must feel terrible that you believe you were doing the right thing by making him come and it hasnt worked out for him and frustrated that he wont even try.:curse: Thats the annoying thing about it! I too am dreading this happening to us.
I think my daughter will be so determined to prove her point that i dont even think she would allow herself to like the place, let alone admit it if she was. Teens are so frustrating, i just wish i could help her see the sense of what we are doing not only for her but for all of us as a family. We have 2 boys aswell 13 & 4 who are SO excited about the big move. Which makes it all the more difficult, and i dont think our youngest could cope not having his sister around, he is so attached to her.

Kind regards
Jo x