Lord Pom Percy

Have you considering bribery as an option?

jmc

I really feel for you i have experienced exactly the same,
told my mum and dad last easter that we were thinking of moving to oz my husband and children aged 10 and 12, she said i dont blame you she was a little upset but ok, as the weeks went on my dad spoke to husband at work and said that my mum needed to speak to me, they said they couldnt sleep ,not eating etc, my mum never spoke to me about it even though i see her 3 times a week,
the months went by still no mention about anything then i needed to ask them for dates that they were born , well she just hit the roof she was
evil never ever seen her like that ever she said she had nearly had a nervouse break down she had been so ill, how could i ever take her grandchildren away from them after all she had done for me ,and if we went that would be the end. she looked after them from being babies a couple of times a week while i was working but that was her choice she has made them her life, she said i was doing it so i didnt have to look after them when they were old and who would she call if my dad took ill in the night! they are both mid sixties, my brother and family had just moved back to the same town as my parents this was planned before we told them so makes me feel a little better,my brother said that he was discussted with us, after that she only spoke when she had to dad been ok,as the weeks have passed things are better we spend time shopping etc but still no word or mention of oz i think if they dont talk about it it will go away, we have meds booked in two weeks, this takes all the shine off everything when you think your parents should support you they turn there back,i thinks only becuuse they love you so much .

good luck with whatever you decide to do.

loux

micmay3_in_oz

I would like to echo some of the sentiments already stated. You really must do what is right for you. It is difficult leaving loved ones, especially when they begrudge the opportunity life has given you. I have been extremely lucky with my family, who I must say were all very jealous (in a good way) when we found ourselves faced with the chance of coming to OZ.

It was a difficult decision to leave. If I had listened to my heart I would have stayed but my head told me that we needed to at least give it a try. It is an experience for the kids that cannot be learnt through text books or videos. A whole new way of life and culture and if it does go belly-up at least we can say that we have given it a go.

We have been lucky in that all of my family has been very supportive all the way and that most of my husband's extended family has too. His only sister though has been funny with us both. In fact I think I am blamed more for not stopping him wanting to move to Oz and / or for not staying in England to make him come back (he left for Oz a couple of months before me and the kids did). They hardly spoke for months before we got out here and she never speaks to me now. However, I have continued to email, (even though many went ignored) send post/cards and photos etc (on OH behalf because he's hopeless at anything like that) and although she is not as pally as she once was she has started to make brief replies. It has taken a lot of patience and has been quite frustrating and whilst I don't think we will ever be as close as we once were at least the connection is maintained, albeit somewhat tentatively.

Whether our families are supportive of us leaving or not you can be sure that they will worry. So even if you end up leaving and the air isn't cleared the odd card, phone call etc may just help to bring them round and if it doesn't well 'sod 'em' no-one can ever accuse you of not trying to mend fences.

For all of those struggling with family I wish you all the very best. As they say 'there's nowt funnier than folk' and experience shows there's none so funny as your own folk'

Mx

TeresaG

It is really hard to deal with them and is getting worse as time goes on. When we first mentioned we were thinking of going they just thought we would never actually go. As time has gone on and we've started getting on with the TRA and things it has got worse. They really can't understand why we would want to go and live there and are doing all they can to try and talk us out of it. My husbands uncle lives in Queensland and has been there for more than 20 years. We speak to him quite often and he has a great life. His kids have grown up there and love it. He says it is the best thing he has ever done and would never come back to the UK. Yet my mother in law tells us that he wishes he could come back and that he doesn't like it there. She is blatently lying to try and get us not to go.

It was easier to begin as they thought we would never go through with it but as we've started getting on with things it as got a lot harder. On Boxing day we were at my husbands cousin's house for the day and as we were having dinner my mother in law lost the plot and started ranting at us. This was in front of everyone and was really difficult to deal with. I can understand that they don't want their son to move to the other side of the world but I think their behaviour has been awful.

We really believe that moving to Australia will be great for us and it is something that we really want to do. We are determined to go and they will not manage to talk us out of it. My sister in law has also been a nightmare and has called us selfish for leaving and has said that she will never ever come and visit us. That doesn't bother me to be honest as we have never got on all that well.

My husband and I stick together and deal with it together. I'm lucky as he stands up for me when they have a go and tells them that it is just as much his idea as mine. They don't believe him but he tries his best. We try to explain to them why we want to go but they don't want to know. It is hard to deal with and I hope that one day they will come round to the idea but I don't think this is very likely. We are going to go and its tough if they don't like it. Personally I think they are the ones that are being very selfish in trying to stop us.

I'm very lucky as my parents and family have been very supportive.

arrgghh

Wow great advice - thanks everyone xx

micmay3 > I think you are completely right - it's best to keep your dignity in these situations and make sure that we make an effort to stay in touch with my folks if we are accepted to go out there.

jmc > yep my folks have said the same thing - they arent eating/sleeping/heading for a breakdown or deep depression etc....Ive said it may help if we all spoke to a mediator or counsellor about this but even that wasnt good enough "they wouldnt understand our history" were my mums words.....I think the big issue at the back of my mind is "what if" something did happen to my folks because we went out there...

Lord Pom Percy > bribery? I dont understand

want to bthere > yes my mother describes this whole thing as a bereavement/like losing their premature son again etc that they will have nothing in their lives to live for now. It does make me feel awful , but as Speargun says I dont owe my parents for my existence x

I do feel really sorry for my parents history (my mums had a pretty hard time thru her life) and I can see why she needs a strong sense of family around her - perhaps if you cling people to you and give them so much love they wont leave and you wont feel so insecure/alone? I can see in looking back that my parents may have done too much for me and focused too much attention on me - and yes I was selfish and in instances took advantage of it - hence why they probably see our decision as the biggest insult we could throw at them but hey that was my normality i 'spose. Since having my son/meeting my boyf I have grown as a person and feel the time has come to have some adventure and fly the nest - partially a personal need to be self dependent and to be a 100% mother to my son (my mum has completely overlooked the fact that she was always negatively commenting on my mothering skills - and to be honest i dont want my son to be around so much fussing - I want him to feel safe and confident in his own company from a young age and the world isnt a scary place if you branch out on your own)......

micmay3_in_oz

I don't think any parent really 'wants' their child to move to other side of the world but most rational ones would know that their children should do what they feel is right for them and not their parents. I know my mum didn't want us to move but she still thought we were doing the right thing and gaves us her blessing.

Too true that they are the ones being selfish and perhaps a little jealous too. Stick to your guns and I am sure everything will turn out right for you. If you stayed because of pressure from in-laws you will resent them for it for the rest of your life. So in the long-term things could be worse. Perhaps your in-laws family doesn't realise that you are only moving to the other side of the world. If they don't hold back you could be living down the road and still want nothing to do with them, so they have lost him for good.

Does the fact that your family has been so supportive leave you feeling a little guilty because your husband's hasn't. I know I felt like that for a while but I have managed to get over it. I keep my ears open for the supportive messages and just shut off from the ones that aren't. Not always that easy though I know.

Just remember if you need to vent off steam you have a place here to do it

Best wishes

Mx

micmay3_in_oz

I want to relay something that happened to me so hold on for a long waffling post (I know mine are nearly always long and waffling) but it may help to put things into perspective. You may want to relay this to your parents Arrrgh!

We moved over to Oz last Septmeber and since arriving I had been feeling homesick. Some days were worse than others and yes, I agree it does sometimes feel like a bereavement. I was very close to my family in the UK both geographically and psychologically and do miss them very much. My OH works away and with the kids being at school and no computer at the time there were days when I would dwell on the loneliness and feel very homesick.
Somedays I would just burst into tears and feel so bereft. I felt just as I did when my dad died. I want to give it a good go being here but there were days when I couldn't bring myself to move off the settee. I really missed my family.

Anyway just before Christmas I was going into town by taxi. Christmas cards had started arriving and on this particular day I was feeling it, missing everyone as usual. I was chatting to the driver who also happened to be a Brit. He had came to Oz sometime back with his parents who were '£10 poms'. We were chatting I was telling him how much I missed my mum and the rest of my family and work and how I text my mum each day and ring her at least once a week which helps. Anyway we had been chatting for about ten mins when he said 'My mum and dad are both over there now'. When I looked I realised we were passing the cemetery. Gosh, it didn't half make me stop and think of how lucky I am. I'd been feeling very sorry for myself. I'd been harping on about how much I missed everyone but at least I could pick up the phone and talk to them, or email them. I may be across the other side of the world from my family but at least they are still 'here'. I can reach them and they can reach me. I'd give anything to be able to talk to my dad, even on the phone.

Yes, as you probably can tell I do miss my family but god am I lucky that they are there for me to talk to. I don't get the physical hugs but boy I don't half feel the love they send.

The other side of the world really isn't that far. It's not as far as it could be.

luv Mx

Vernons

What a great post. Life is too short and we should all appreciate one another and just make the best of it. Like you have said at least we can all pick up the phone and talk to one another if we need to, it would be terrible not to be able to do that because that special person was not around anymore. I think you are rigt, this post should be shared with those family members who are giving each other a hard time and maybe they will realise that it is not worth it. Take care

Babycatcher

[QUOTE=micmay3_in_oz;4254054]The other side of the world really isn't that far. It's not as far as it could be.

Bloody GREAT POINT! My Mum died 18 years ago and there are so many things that she has missed, including my kids - which will always be hard. I know that I will miss my Dad if we make it to Oz but we will email lots (he is very deaf so phone calls are difficult) and although I worry about what will happen when I am away, I know Life is for LIVING....my Mum did it well so I intend to do the same!