julesandco

I received the dreaded call last December telling me that my Mum was in Intensive Care and I would need to return to the UK.

I honestly believe that with speaking with me and my family, the hospital nursing staff were concerned about my Mum's wishes and very much took this into consideration with her medication.

Mum lost Dad in 1999 when he was only 55. She had been alone (and lonely) for ten years and never really recovered from losing him. I am an only child and whilst she adored my kids, an hour's phone call every night doesn't fill the void of the remaining 23 hours in a day.

Perhaps the hospital could have persisted with her medication. I guess there was even a miniscule chance that Mum could have got out of the ICU, but she would never have managed to live alone. Climbing the stairs without oxygen would have been impossible. Her quality of life and independance would have been lost for ever. I know with ALL MY HEART that my Mum would absolutely not have wanted this - the whole family knew her wishes and how she thought about issues like this (which I guess, made the hardest decision in the world that little, tiny bit easier).

So on 10th December last year, I said a final goodnight to my Mum, aged 65, in the ICU. She was peaceful, we managed to have a Chaplin say a few words and I pray with all my heart that my Dad was there waiting for her.

Euthanasia is a very tough topic, but I am glad that Mum didn't suffer for months on end, or become a shadow of her former self. In the end, I believe it's what Mum would have wanted; although I'm still coming to terms with the loss of my best friend in the whole world.

Thinking of you Caroline xxxx

Jules x

sonlymewalter

<gulp> good post mate......thank you for sharing....

iamthecreaturefromuranus

A question for those who back the idea.

My wife works in a high dependency dementia ward. The people there have the cognitive powers of a box of broken biscuits. They need constant care and attention and are there because, in many cases, their families/partners could no longer cope.

They will never get 'better'... they will only ever get worse...their quality of life is, for the most part, shite... BUT there are times when they can be happy.. they can have fun.. they can interact with the people around them.

Should they be 'helped on their way'?

sonlymewalter

only if they want it and said as much before they became broken biscuits....

julesandco

I think it comes down to quality of life - like Mum and her phone call.

Can you cope with / it is worth 23 hours a day living in a void, for (possibly) one hour of happiness.

23 hours is a bloody long time when you're alone in a house, watching the clock. Bank Holiday weekends were always the worst for my Mum when everyone was with their family, being busy or off having fun

I certainly think it's changed my perspective.

moneypenny20

I've told my family I do not wish to get as far as the broken biscuit stage. I totally agree that it's a impossible one to implement, there would be way too many rules and regulations to make it 'safe'. However it doesn't stop me dreaming that if I got to the dribbling, eyes blank stage, my family could put an end to it.

Creature, does your wife think the 'happy' times are enough to outweigh the 'normal' times? Talking as a (relatively) fit, healthy person with no experience of anyone close being really terminally sick, I would sooner be dead than have one happy moment inside six months of nothing moments.

iamthecreaturefromuranus

So if they said that they would rather be dead, than suffer dementia, you're OK with them being euthanised... even if they are perfectly healthy otherwise?

What level of dementia? Just getting a bit forgetful... or totally lost the plot? Who determines how far they are along that scale? What happens if their dementia becomes really severe, but they then say that they don't want to die.... do you take their earlier instructions and ignore their current wish because they are now nuts?

See what I mean about "Pandora's Box"?

julesandco

[QUOTE=iamthecreaturefromuranus;9654149]So if they said that they would rather be dead, than suffer dementia, you're OK with them being euthanised... even if they are perfectly healthy otherwise?

QUOTE]

But what are we if we don't have our minds? Our memories? Our thoughts?

Yes, the body might work, but without my mind, what would be the point?

If I couldn't recognise my family and my loved ones, life (as I knew it) would be worthless.

iamthecreaturefromuranus

My wife's views have changed since she moved into working with people with dementia. I think, though I can't be 100% sure, that she would support euthanasia now... she didn't before. Prior to this job she worked with people with disabilities.
Most of us have no comprehension of what dementia does, and we think it's the "dribbling, eyes blank stage", I know I did... but its not like that. People can be aggressive, terrified, happy, violent, demanding, all the emotions you can think of.... but they're not really 'there' if you know what I mean. It does eventually move onto that "dribbling, eyes blank stage" but there is a whole gamut of stages prior to that.

iamthecreaturefromuranus

That's a classic response. You might not be able to recognise your family... but you wouldn't care. Your family would... but you wouldn't.

julesandco

But I've been on the other side of it. I HAD to make that decision for my Mum.

If I had insisted, who knows - she would probably still be here now in a nursing home. Alone. With me back in Australia. Would that have been better?

I knew Mum's wishes and I loved her enough to do all I could to fight for those for her - when she was not in a position to. THE hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life, but I truly believe she would never havwe forgiven me if I made anything other than the decision I did.

Bermudashorts

Are you sure she had no contentedness outside that one hour when she was on the phone to you? Even if it was just being content watching her favourite program on the TV and having a nice supper.

Anyway that was a rhetorical question, because I don't think a policy decision, which is what is would need, should be based on the circumstances of some individuals.

Your intentions are honourable, but not everybody's will be and to legalise it will, to use Iam's term, open a pandora's box. A box that in my opinion is best kept firmly shut.

Bermudashorts

You haven't had to make this decision for your mum. Euthanasia is illegal in UK so you couldn't have. I don't believe we are discussing DNR on this thread, that is of course another question.

iamthecreaturefromuranus

Totally understand that and I'm not attacking anybody. Just stating that, in my opinion, legalising euthanasia is fraught with difficulties and a potential nightmare. In your case, what would have happened if, lets say, you had a sibling who disagreed with your decision?

iamthecreaturefromuranus

Agreed. Two totally different subjects.