disappointed/guilty
 

I feel like a very bad mother. DD didn't get to be a prefect, and I'm really disappointed. It was done by voting from the senior girls, and obviously DD is not one of the popular ones, being a bit quirky. She also didn't get music captain, and so will have no school offices to add to her uni applications. She was also not quite good enough to make the IGSSA team (due to broken foot) earlier this year, and has since struggled with swimming. She was not quite good enough to get a scholarship either, or to be leader of the cello section, even though she is the only one to turn up to all the rehearsals. She wasn't good enough to get a solo in the musical, even though the teacher in charge had said she should get a part.

She hasn't lived up to all her early promise, or what the teachers have said, yet despite this is still a cheerful and loving child who is intelligent and caring, so why am I being so nasty as to think this?

Re: disappointed/guilty
 

hmm.

Seems to me that when you say you are really disappointed, what you actually mean is that you are (1) a little disappointed that your daughter might not have done well enough/ "achieved" enough. (2) a little annoyed at her teachers and the senior girls for not picking her (3) a little annoyed at yourself. (4) a little concerned about your daughter's feelings, hoping that she isn't upset at all.

If that's the case, you certainly aren't being nasty to think any of these things. :D

Re: disappointed/guilty
 

Is it too late to have her adopted?

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Don't feel bad, if you had my daughter then you would feel really shit!!

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You know what they say, you can't make a silk purse out of a sows ear....as long as she is happy then no worries

Re: disappointed/guilty
 

Hey don't take it too bad, she sounds like a female version of me when I was at school, and I turned out great.

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Empathy. I like it.

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Wow that sounds very democratic. Back in the Stalag Luft I went to prefects were selected like guards, and yes! I was a prefect with a little shiny red badge and the power to throw people out the library!

Re: disappointed/guilty
 

Genetics will out.

For the uni you can always invent a club that she is head of....

Re: disappointed/guilty
 

Someone said to me once that every parent should have the right to throw away their first child because of all the mistakes they make as parents.

Probably doesn't help, thought I'd share.

Re: disappointed/guilty
 

Being a prefect, or being in the IGSSA team or being a leader of the cello section - these are all seemingly 'elite' groups/clubs invented by the teachers. They wont assure her future or aid her change into a well balanced kind, caring adult.

However - I quote you on 'a cheerful and loving child who is intelligent and caring' - now these are qualities that she has within herself - taught/influenced by you and qualities that are far superior and better than the team stuff/prefect issues.

Qualities that so many parents would wish for their children and are the foundations to have as she grows into an adult.

And for that reason alone you should be so proud you should be singing from the rooftops. In fact, pick a day that you can take her out and treat her purely for being her and for the person she is.

Being in whatever team or being a prefect? You dont have to be a decent person to do that.

Your daughter is decent, kind and thoughtful without having to be in a club to do it.

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Einstein was kicked out of one school because they didn't think his maths was good enough. What I think really happened was that he was way ahead of his teachers and they didn't have a clue what he was talking about. Many famous and successful people have had a bad start at school but they overcome it.

Re: disappointed/guilty
 

We got the school reports cards today.Eldest did very well so happy there.She does work hard though but of course there is always room for improvement.Youngest did ok,not too bad.He does have to concentrate a bit more though.He got 36% in Religion. !!!Thank God he doesn't want to be a priest.:D

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Politics is a popularity contest... starts in school, goes on into real life.
Screw politics. All she has to do is do her best and achieve her best for herself and sod all the rest of it.
This year isn't her year, so what... plenty more where that came from. We can't all succeed all the time and kids have to learn this.

Perhaps she'll have a change in herself and push a little more for what's hers next year. Good luck to her.

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I hate this American style of schooling, captain of this, leader of that. Its all bollocks to rate your children on what 'label' they get. And competitive parents who boast and push their children are worse.

Our children will grow up to be intelligent and know how to earn a living. Couldnt careless if they were a prefect or captain of the tiddly wink team..

Re: disappointed/guilty
 

So long as you are disappointed FOR her and not disappointed WITH her

if that makes sense.....

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I was never chosen to be anything at school. It was always the same group that were picked and I wasn't one of them. So what? Nobody can complain about how you do whatever it is.

Aside - I got 25% in my last RI exam at school. Now that's an achievement.

Re: disappointed/guilty
 

Thanks for the replies everyone.

I think the basic problem is me - I never felt I was good enough for my parents, whatever I did, and so part of me desperately wants her to succeed and is more disappointed than she is. She is fairly philosophical about it as is my OH.

DD is a perfectionist, and worries more about her academic scores. (She does very well in religious studies, but sadly that isn't counted in the IB)

And believe me, I am very grateful that I have been blessed with such a lovely caring girl.

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It's easy for us to tell you not to feel guilty, not to feel that you've let her down in some way, but I think most parents feel guilty and crap at some point. I always coasted at school (and pretty much through life) which has generally left me feeling like I let down my parents. Middlechild is exactly the same, so now I can claim that it's probably genetics, which makes me feel much better :D

We're having some issues with Eldestchild now and I feel completely crap about it. It makes it worse that his father died when he was young so I keep wondering if things would have been a lot different if he'd still been alive, or if I hadn't made really crap choices after he died - and the issues we're having aren't really that serious! But it's a parent's lot to wonder if they couldn't have done better. All we can do is muddle through the best we can and take comfort in the important facts like they're lovely, caring and decent human beings :)

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If the captains/prefects/leaders deal with the same stuff as they do at our High School tell her and you that she's better off not getting them. They do take up a certain amount of time and if she needs particular grades, she's better off being able to concentrate on them and not school politics. Yes it looks good on Uni applications but the vast majority of Uni applicants don't have them and get in with no issues whatsoever.

If she's an awesome daughter, who cares about this stuff that in the grand scheme of things is totally unimportant.

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I agree with Moneypenny, your daughter will now have more time to concentrate on getting good grades in order to get into university. I found that uni's seem to be interested in grades more than anything else, I got offered a place at UWA doing biomedical science based on my grades alone in another course after spending most of my life in dead end jobs and then being a stay at home mum for the past 4 years!

If she wants to add to her resume/achievements with a worthwhile cause maybe something like volunteer work would help?

Re: disappointed/guilty
 

I told her the same thing- that she would have less pressure on her time: it is totally taken up with academich work, music and swimming as it is.

She has done some volunteering at a special school (and will continue to do so as it is just down the road from us), and raises funds for the MS society, so we are ok for that side of things.

Re: disappointed/guilty
 

Hi caroline...new member here....your daughter sounds delightful and don't feel guilty at all. Her music and sport will appeal to an Aussie University more than a Captain of this or that. Add to that her volunteer work and you have one special girl who I am sure will succeed.

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Sometimes don't we want our child to be the child we wished we were, it sounds like she is a normal happy caring child who will flourish and do well even without all the above. I was also the "just not quite good enough" child and trust me these things at school really don't matter, not in the bigger picture.

Re: disappointed/guilty
 

But they do matter when they carry on through your life- I never feel as though I am good enough, and I don't want her to feel the same way. I would hate her to be like me.

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She`ll only only feel that way if you let her - at the end of the day is it important to her or to you? Is it important to her because it is important to you?
Look at it like this only a small minority of the kids get those little badges out of how many?? Another poster hit the nail on the head when they said the politics start at school - is it better to conform and be one of the chosen few or to an individual or even a quiet achiever. Most of the prefects at my school turned into damp squibs - it was the others who were the real bright lights in adulthood.

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I think your post sums it up but it depends on your definition of 'suceed'.

It's doubtful that she will never get ahead in the real world or life and work by being a school prefect or for having a collection of shiny badges which are only really relevant within a school setting anyway.
Imagine some of these kids disappointment when they get their first real disappointment in life when things don't go quite their way.
Shiny badges never got me a job or helped me to achieve what I wanted to achieve and I have never taken 'school trinkets' into consideration when employing people either. If I was looking at her for employment from a resume only then I would be more impressed that she has volunteered and not concentrated on getting as many shiny badges as possible for herself.
After all, they really don't buy you friends, get you discounts on a car or at David Jones or Myers, make you happy in your personal relationships and are not true reflection of who you are.

I think it is of much more value for herself and society to have a an independent, well balanced, non needy, unselfish, caring, thoughtful and hard working kid with her own values. Somebody who cares more about who she is than what others may (or may not) think of her, somebody who can roll with life's ups and downs, focus on the really important things and be more resilient.
Of course you want 'the best' for your kids but it is your definition of 'best' not hers.
I think it is great that she seems unbothered by what other people think and be more interested in going the way she wants to go and concentrate on things she feels are more important.
Work with what you have and maybe you can take this experience as being a valuable thought process and a bit of a lesson on what qualities really matter long term in life to be a successful, decent and hopefully happy human being, whatever her definition is of that.
Please don't put any pressure on her because of your experiences with your parents as she is obviously not like you and is developing her own character. You must be very proud of her.

Re: disappointed/guilty
 

Hi Caroline

We can't help the thoughts that pop into our head, but we can do something with them once they are acknowledged.

Your daughter sounds like she is doing just fine. Nobody in the future is going to care that she wasn't a prefect at school.

You obviously want the best for her, and that's understandable, but as long as she is happy and achieving reasonable well, then you know she'll be ok.

My high school years were much worse than your daughters, and I turned out ok :unsure:

Re: disappointed/guilty
 

I try very hard not to put pressure on her. Children pick up on things subconsciously though. I feel like a failure in whatever I do- I don't like myself very much, have no confidence in anything I do and, as the swimming coach pointed out, am a stress head, always worrying and thinking the worst.
How do you hide that from your kid? I may be an ex actress (amateur) but that is almost impossible to do.

I want my daughter to do well, and I want her to be happy and confident, and mostly I am very proud of her, but she hasn't quite lived up to any of her early potential, and she has a struggle with acne, asthma, allergies/high cholesterol and weight (she isn't fat but needs to lose 3 kilos to be race fit) to add to all the other problems. It is hard to see children she used to beat easily now getting better school results/ swimming times/scholarships/parts in plays/school leadership roles/looking more attractive than she is. This year has not been kind to her.

I think I have the issues, not her, which is why I feel so guilty and like a nasty person.

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Universities always used to attach a lot of importance to extra-curricular activities. It's all part of being a rounded person. (Infact my parent's generation had people who did well in A levels but weren't considered university material).

But you don't have to be 'the leader of the team' (be a prefect etc), just be 'on a team' (or do something).

So of course vol work is important.

Caroline, you sound like a decent, interesting, good person so that speaks volumes.

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Well she is MC'ing the multicultural assembly next monday, and proudly bringing in the Welsh flag.:thumbup: She isn't afraid to stand up and speak- she also lead an assembly/presentation about her French immersion trip, and had the lead role in a play in French last term ( that nobody except the families invoved came to see). I know she is a great kid: I just wish more people could see that.

She always gets the merit prize at school, for trying hard, but never the proficiency prize, which is given to those who are top of the tree academically. To me, trying your best is better than getting rewarded for something you are naturally good at, but to hear others talk, you would think it was something to be pitied - not good enough for the top prizes.