haggis supper

After 15 years of marriage Mrs Haggis and I seem to have found ourselves a long way apart. Despite counselling last year we're further apart than ever. We don't argue or fight but just don't talk and we're both deeply unhappy. She wants to try counselling again but I suspect this is driven by the fear of divorce and the impact on our lives and our kids rather than any real desire to stay with me.

I'm not too sure what I feel but I also suspect any desire not to separate is simply the fear of what happens next.

I'm mildly terrified at this point, not to mention exceptionally sad. I just don't see any future with her but the thought of separating, selling the house, the impact on the kids and starting all over again at 43 is overwhelming. It also concerns me greatly that she will want to go home (she's very homesick) and will want to take the kids (aged 12 and 10) with her.

I'd genuinely appreciate any advice from folks who've been in this position.

Cheers
Col

Quackers

I did the deed at 42. I moved away for work and lost touch with my son which is the only bad point.
I have had the best years of my life since the divorce and only wish I had done it sooner

Bernieboy

Sorry to hear that mate,i hope it all works out for you and the whole family

Kapri

I think it's quite sad that you've lost touch with your son and even sadder that you are happy with this outcome. I suspect that is exactly what Haggis wants to avoid.

Haggis, do you think it would be worth giving the counselling one more try? Even if it doesn't keep you together, it may help you to separate amicably.

chris and farideh

Well said K, have you tried giving a thought of sending your wife & children home for a holiday, sometimes home sickness & sadness can go away when realise they have a good life in Melbourne?

Margaret3

So sorry to read this. If i was in this position, i would want a trial separation, perhaps , to see how you both feel, to regroup so to speak and take time to decide whats best for the kids. This may avoid you OH rushing home for the comfort of her family at this sad and difficult time.

In the past my husband i have separated , fortunately it turned out to be for a short time.

haggis supper

Thanks folks.

I'd love to try counselling again if I thought it would do any good. She has an appointment tomorrow but hasn't once tried to talk to me since Saturday, she's been out every night or gone for a bath or an early night ! I can't really discuss anything if she's not here. Can't therefore understand why she's going to counselling.

As for sending her home, I paid for her folks to come out in December and for her and the kids to go home last September. I've also told her her go back again this September hols with the kids. I think there are issues beyond just the homesickness I'm afraid.

moneypenny20

I have no advice Haggis, just wanted to wish you and her well and seriously hope that whatever happens, you all end up happy.

Dorothy

I'm really sorry Col. You know, 43 isn't really that old to start over again. I know lots of people who started over in their late 30s or early 40s and are happier with their lives for it.

As for your kids, while it may be hard on them for you and their mum to split, it's likely to be just as sad for them to live in a home where their parents aren't happy. If you and your wife can make yourselves happier by being apart then that may be what you need to do. There are tens of thousands of children of split families and the vast majority do just fine.

And while it may not be what she wants to hear, if the kids are Australian permanent residents and Australia is their usual residence, she can't take them back to UK to live without your permission. There was a poster (I can't remember her name) who was in Queensland because she and her ex split and he wouldn't allow the kids to go live back in UK. You as a father have rights and so do the kids. They have the right to stay in the place they call home and have regular contact with their father.

I agree with Margaret. A trial separation may be just what you guys need. Try doing counselling while not living in the same house to see if living apart is truly what you want. And try to keep things as amicable as you can for everyone's sake.

No matter what happens, best of luck. I hope it all works out for you both.

Tom Sawyer

Myself and Mrs Sawyer separated last year under very similar circumstances. No big arguments. No one else involved. Just........my frustration with her and feeling we were going nowhere. We went to counselling, but I felt that no matter how I put it, she either did not get what I was saying or did not want to get it. We have 5 year old twins, and she has a medical condition which both complicate things. However I had to do something. I ended up on anti-depressants and seeing a psychologist.....which was helpful, interesting and on-going.
After a lot of soul searching I moved out in June last year. I live 5 minutes away and we have shared care approach to the kids. I still go round to the house to maintain it, have dinner 1-2 times a week with the kids and get them ready for bed.........and still end up tidying and cleaning (part of the problems!). The kids also stay at my place at least once a week, which they see as a big adventure! I still pay the mortgage and bills etc, but somehow survive financially, although I cannot save anything and had to drop my voluntary super contributions. I'm also trying to pay down my credit card after putting a fair amount on it setting myself up.
I am a lot more settled and off the anti-depressants. I have a certain level of "freedom" for want of better way of putting it, but I still don't think she fully gets what a separation is. Today she rang me 5 times in an hour at work, mainly about nothing that could not wait. I do the household shopping and obviously fully participate in the kids lives. With the kids and her condition I realise we never fully be untangled, but as far as I am concerned the marriage is over and I am gradually trying to broach the subject of divorce.
Moving out took a lot of thought. There was the obvious upset from her, and my concern for the kids. But I'm not sure I'd be OK as I am now if I had not moved out. It was a trial that had to be done to try and see how I really felt. Did I just need a break? Mid life crisis? Waking up to myself? The moving out has answered all those questions. Until you take this first step you will never know what you really feel. But only you can make that decision. You may find after 6 months you have revived sense to sort things out, or maybe end feeling like me.
As far as Mrs Haggis taking the kids back to the UK.....if they were born here I'm pretty sure you can block her removing them from Australia. That is the approach I have taken anyway as Mrs S also talked of going back to the UK. Of course this could all end up in a legal situation which makes things more complicated and potentially final.
I can't really answer your situation, but only give you mine as an example. It is always going to be complicated, upsetting, stressful and if anything it makes your life busier. It can also get a bit lonely, especially in the evenings, and can feel like your missing out on the kids growing up, so takes a lot of work to counterbalance these situations.
For me, I think overall the separation worked and the next step is inevitable. It makes me sad, but I cannot see any other way.

Cheetah7

Wasnt it Rhapsody (I think?)

Hebe

Sorry to read this. You say you are both unhappy and don't talk - what about love? Many of us go through phases in our lives when we are unhappy with our partners etc and the thought of separation can be a natural progression but unhappiness can be overcome. Do you love her still? How does she feel about you? Be honest - you only have one life!

northernbird

Yes it was and she is still in Brisbane with her kids.

To the OP I am in a similar boat so I sympathise and hope you get it sorted soon.

Jon77

My advice would be to hide all your money and just hand over the house keys to your wife now.

Men don't stand a chance when it comes to divorce I am sorry to say, kids should always be considered first of course, but all possessions will basically be considered your wife's.

northernbird

I'm sorry but not all of us women are gold diggers. I expect my husband when the time comes to provide for my children and to take some of what I helped contribute to over the 26 years we have been together. Even though I would wish to nail his testicles to the pavement I realise he is my children's father and as such will be part of my life until our dying day.