BandS

The CHILLI Contest
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This did make me laugh... bear with it!!!!!

If you can read this whole story without tears of laughter running
down your cheeks then there's no hope for you!

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to
the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better!

For those of you who have lived in or visited Texas, you know how true
this is. They actually have a Chilli Cook-off about the time the Rodeo
comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the
Astrodome. The notes are from an inexperienced Chilli taster named
Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

Frank: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a chilli
cook-off. The Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for
directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was
assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chilli
wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have
Free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chilli # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chilli
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy sh!t, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chilli # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chilli
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more
beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chilli # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chilli
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chilli. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A bean less chilli, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now
my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh!t-faced
from all of the beer.

Chilli # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or other mild foods, not much of a chilli.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the
barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. B!tch
is starting to look HOT. . . just like this nuclear waste I'm eating!
Is chilli an aphrodisiac?

Chilli # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chilli using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and
I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me
needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that
her chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if
I'm burning my lips off. It really p!sses me off that the other judges
asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!

Chilli # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.
Judge #3-- I sh!t myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
that ****** Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my
lips anymore. I need to wipe my ****** with a snow cone.

Chilli # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chilli
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chilli peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am
worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
chilli, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of
lava like ****** to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy,
they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too
painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air,
I'll just ****** it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chilli # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chilli
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chilli. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chilli. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed
out, fell over and pulled the chilli pot down on top of himself. Not
sure if he's going to make it. Poor dudes, wonder how he'd have
reacted

soapy©

i do have tears in my eyes. that was very funny

wmoore

I don't use this smiley lightly but .....

asher

LMAO very funny

thanks

paul30

Read it over an hour ago and the tears of laughter have only just dried up enough to allow me to type. LOVED IT

BandS

I read it at work and laughed so much I could not answer the phone (and I am the receptionist)

Sharon

wmoore

D'oh!!