At a party on Saturday (after several glasses of red) I made the mistake of supporting the statement made in When Harry Met Sally, that men cannot be friends with a woman without wanting to sleep with her.

Understandably Mrs Haggis was rather interested in my views, as were a couple of female friends. The ladies thought this was ridiculous. The two blokes we were in conversation with were in absolute agreement though, which helped rather.

Thought I'd therefore throw the question out to the BE community...

Can men be friends with a woman without wanting to sleep with her?

I have some excellent male friends. I prefer them sometimes to women.
They tend on the whole to be straighter than many women I know.

I am sure that by the time my male friends know me for some time, have listened to me for hours and I them, then any thought of sex that may have occurred to them has long gone and we are firm friends.

I suspect that originally, there may have been some thought in their mind that it would happen... but I ignore that and it goes away.


I suspect therefore that you are right... at first. But who knows. I certainly have never been brave enough to ask any of my male friends if they fancied me at any stage. I may not like the answer.

Its rare... but can happen. I've had a few friends over the years who would have been classed as genuinely in the "12 pints and a paper bag" division and we seem to have managed to remain friends without any consideration of other things.

But generally I'll conceded that in a HUGE percentage of cases, female friends I've had would be in the "if circumstances were different and society wouldnt object - how about it?" category!

Of course circumstances rarely are different, and society often would object, so mostly (although not always in the past ) these ideas have been repressed.

Not really. I don't think that a man and woman can be 'best' friends - it just does not happen. I've never understood ex-boyfriends and girlfriends trying to be friends either - what's the point?

Firm friends yes - but that idea is still there - dormant... repressed by the knowledge that such a liaison would be ultimately destructive.

I know someone who'd go out with women and then become their 'best friend ever' when they were over. I think people who do this can't bear the pain of break up and try to hold on to whatever they can. Nothing is ever 'over' for them and they're still in the moment... they can't let it go.

Run away from people like this. Fast.

I think Mrs Haggis was genuinely surprised at the male approach to this. I attempted to explain that generally men seem to make an assessment when meeting women. This didn't mean that we would jump at any opportunity just that is how we seem to be conditioned.

I was on extremely shaky ground though when a good (female) friend of ours asked, in front of Mrs Haggis and her husband, if I considered her a friend, and did I therefore want to sleep with her ?

That's right. So if you value the friendship and would rather have that, rather than no friendship, then you never go there. You never try it on and that way, you get to keep your friend.

I did have a male friend who once told me he fancied me when he first met me. I told him he was a silly bugger and laughed at him.
We're still friends.

So you said 'No, I consider you an acquaintance which is a whole other thing entirely'... right?

She's 6 foot, long blonde hair and my personal fitness instructor (and one of my wife's best friends). Saying no would have been an outstanding lie - and we all knew it !

My response was remarkably as you suggested - "we have a professional relationship".

..and how did you go?

Sounds like the kind of conversation that ends up either with someone getting slapped and storming off, or with car keys being thrown into the bowl and fun times for all....

The latter did cross my mind !

How very diplomatic.

Agreed - completely!

I usually always preferred my male friends to my female ones and have always had loads of male friends (gay male friends are the best in the business )

I think my guy friends tend to be 'straight shooters' ... there's no bullshit games with men, generally. Some women I've met... christ on a bike! Straight shooting isn't in their vocabulary!