Sally Simpson

People can & do change but really have to want to do so for themselves.
Professional help would assist the transition I would have thought!

smiling4

Not read all the replies, so sorry if repeitive - General answer is no - sometimes if anyone has been abused in a childhood situation, they don't see anything wrong with it, to them it is the norm......even when they have their own kids.......also through experience, my ex was very selfish and therefore the only one who matters in his life is himself....my kids & I still struggle now, but we work on it!
Regarding the professional help, it all depends on whether the person sees themself as needing help! It is difficult and sometimes, too late when the damage has been done to others for them to believe they have or could change.

Counselling would help them be more aware of themselves, but again they may not see what they do as wrong and would need to want to go.

Good luck Ems x

Kapri

He would have to show real commitment.

That means regular counselling and giving up booze and/or drugs if they are a trigger.

I would also make it a policy that there are no more chances. He lays another finger and it's over.

As a woman I would ensure I had an escape route - money in the bank and a place to go.

Personally I wouldn't hang around to find out if he could change but I realise some women find it hard to leave.

Wheeler-Jones

I would say usually not.

verbal abuse/physical abuse - had a little experience with this when I was younger, the guy made me believe I was in the wrong and it took a long time to get over why someone could be like that. You get into a situation where you think that because you love someone that is enough - love is not always enough. You have to love yourself enough to not put up with it and get out before you lose it.

My friend is with a verbally abusive man - he has mental issues and takes it out of my friend and it happens when he isn't happy with his life - he blames her. I think she has given him far too many chances, but I think she is in the place where he has made her stop thinking she deserves the good kinda love. He is doing okay at the moment after a break for a year - guess time will tell if he has really changed, but my theory is you probably deserve better!!!

It obviously becomes complicated when you have kids involved, but kids are resilient and it will probably be better for them too if the person in questions gets out of the abusive relationship - otherwise they might end up in a similar situation when they are older...vicious circle and all that.

Sometimes a wake up call will give the abuser the chance to turn over a new leaf - but one chance is all they should get imo.

egghead4

this is taken from womens aid website

Will my partner change?


It’s possible for abusive people to change their behaviour. However, it’s very difficult to change and so isn’t very common. If your partner has promised to change before and then has resumed his abusive behaviour it’s likely that this pattern will continue to repeat itself.

Unfortunately what usually happens in an abusive relationship is that the abuse increases both in frequency and severity. If your partner is serious about changing his behaviour then he’ll need to seek help either through his GP or through a service specifically for abusive men.

It’s also important to remember that changing this type of behaviour will take time and effort. If he attends a few sessions and then announces that he’s ‘cured’, this is unlikely to really be the case. The best perpetrator programmes provide support for the partners and ex-partners of perpetrators, and they’ll be able to give you further information and support.

You might want to take a break from the relationship while he seeks help. During the time that he’s dealing with the reasons why he’s abusive, many issues will be brought to the surface. This could increase the intensity of the abuse for a period of time. For this reason, you may want to consider how to ensure your own safety, and that of any children you may have, during this period.

If your partner is still in any way blaming you for the abuse, then it’s clear that he hasn’t accepted full responsibility for what has happened, and while he’s still saying this, his behaviour is unlikely to change.

bec

eddie007

I have an EX husband.. who was emotionally abusive (not afraid of giving me the odd beating too)

Clever bastard had everyone fooled, my family, his family, all our 'friends' Had me fooled until the very first night we were married, then I found out... took until AFTER the divorce for most of them to cotton on to what had been going on.

Isolated me bullied me abused me and ended up with... no confidence no self esteem nothing ...

And this was an ex member of the National Womens Committee of the National Union of Students... who had spent years touring Universities/FE colleges teaching Assertiveness to women.. least likely candidate for 'victim' status you could imagine.

I think how it happened was I didn't know what he was doing until it was too late and he knew EXACTLY what he was doing.

funkydelia

I went to school this morning to find out that one of the Primary 1s mum was murdered yesterday. Apparently he beat her pretty badly last weekend and stabbed her to death yesterday afternoon. Been going on a while by all accounts.

Don't ever let anyone treat you badly. Nobody deserves it.

smiling4

Empathise with you hun - had an ex husband, who emotionally abused me...again isolated me from friends, alienated family, lied, then with my kids he was physical and emotional....so they go through lots of self doubting of things, every so often.....but he knew what he was doing, although to this day won;t admit and still says it was all my fault!!
Ems x

Baltibabe

It's actually my sister's husband, I'm single, thank God! He's mainly verbally abusive and occassionally physical.
He dragged her by her hair in front of the kids on Friday He's slouched off to his mother's and is now ringing her, crying and promising he won't do it again. He's said he'll get counselling or whatever it takes?? She's been far happier with him out of the house, but if they split she'll be financially in the poo. She can't afford the mortgage on her own.
It's such a shame, when he's nice he's really nice. I think he's depressed and needs antidepressants plus counselling. It's definately a case of repeating behaviour, as he saw his mum treated this way. This doesn't make sense to me, you'd think they'd want to CHANGE their behaviour
I think if it wasn't for the money problem she'd run, but I think she feels trapped. He's promised the earth before, but it never lasts

smiling4

Your sister will do it if and when she is ready....I spent at least 3 years, if not 6 thinking/knowing I needed to get out, but it was the financial side of things, that stopped me.....I eventually in my own time realised I needed to do it for myself and the kids.....although he had also had several affairs, I knew I needed to be the one to decide and when I was strong and angry, I realised that he ok he didn't respect me, but more so he didn't respect my boys!
((HUGS)) to you and your sister....
Ems x

Baltibabe

Thanks Ems I guess you're right. I really worry about them though

smiling4

It's understandable hun - I never told my family and as he had alienated them enough that they knew things weren't right but didn't know how bad.....I told them when I was ready to call it a day!!!
Just be there for her when she is ready, she'll need you then Ems x

ozzieclare2b

My ex was mostly verbal / mental occasionally physical.

I left with nothing ( we had no kids thankgod), just the clothes on my back and went to a womans aid refuge. With their help i rebuilt my life, got a court injunction to keep him away (which he breeched and got a suspended prison snetance for0.

t was hard i had a lovely house, new car, and i ended up with nowt but you know what? Nothing could put a price on my peace of mind for getting rd of that bastard out of my liffe. Our house was repossed, and it was the best thing i ever did or i wouldnt be sat here talking about emigrating. There is more to life than money hun, cab helped me alot x

The women in the refuge mostly had kids, its hard as you want the person to change, dont tell anyone because you belive they can change, dont tell anyone as your embarrassed for staying. It grinds you down, weras out your confidence and makes you a victim. But i had to make that decision to leave, it was up to me, and one day i woke up and made it x

Baltibabe

You are amazing and I mean that from the bottom of my heart

I_Will_Freckle

Power to you!