I_Will_Freckle

My answer? From experience.

Why they don't change? I don't know.

Ozzy dog

Hi,

This is a very loaded question and really does depend on MANY things.

It is possible for what is often a life chain to be broken, however the 'abuser' has got to see their behavior as this. Then want to change. Then be in a position to get the help needed in order to bring this about. If there is an ingrained pattern of abuse then it would be very difficult to bring the work needed about without professional help. Often by staying with an abuser one may unwittingly collude their behavior.

So in conclusion, yes abuse can be stopped but its not straight forward or easy and can have many origins/triggers and will boil down to an individuals ability to change.

T

brendarover

I am a man, and my reply is, anyone can change, only if they first acknowledge they are wrong or want to change, then if they accept they are wrong or want to change, then they may realise when they are told they are wrong or would suit change better?

Change is the hardest thing any human may have to accept, change is such a simple word, but such a difficult action, when members say no they cannot change well that is a load of boll@cks to be honest, anyone can change, it all depends on how intelligent you are? I class myself has one of the higher ones, i went through the PhD process and failed, not because i am thick but because i chose to not change, i chose to stay as i am, so there is your answer. If you acknowledge your challenge, you are clever, if you change well you act on your intelligence? I chose not to because, well i have my reasons. But any man can change, and if it is affecting another human, especially one you love, well, think, act and do something about your actions, because life can be so lonely for the one on the end of verbal abuse just because the one giving the verbal abuse is so unhappy?

Un-happiness is a common thing, but so silent, good luck!

bridie

Ditto.... and agreed

bridie

Not just verbal and physical, mental abuse can be the worst and most soul destroying

I agree wholeheartedly with what someone else has written about how the stress of moving to a new country will only make things worse.

ozzieclare2b

no they dont, i had one tried to change him he tried to change never worked i ended up in court to get away. Run , run fast to the hills people dont change..ever ,they just hide aspects of themselves until they feel free to unleash get out while you can.

ohippy

there are those who can change - my OH is living proof. I have no idea how he changed, he didn't get outside help at all, but it's been over 5 years since he's laid a finger on me and I have pushed every button going to check

Vim Fuego

Are abusive women any different to abusive men?

Apart from the knockers and that.

Dorothy

No, Vim, they're not. Are abusive parents any different than abusive partners?

I think anyone can change if they truly want to, whether it be an abusive partner, parent, etc. There is help available if a person really wants to access it.

Vim Fuego

Aye, just didn't know if there was something in the male make-up that makes it a different situation from a female. In my experience both can be equally agressive.

The key is, as you have said, they have to want to. Maybe blokes are less inclined to admit they are wrong and more 'pig headed'?

FluffyTheCampfireSlayer

If you love this guy (I'm guessing it's your other half), why not help him through it?

Sit him down and try and suggest he go and see someone who can maybe help. I believe most abusers know they do it and WANT to stop but need prompting sometimes!

russmcp

I'm not sure Fluff.

Some may know I'm a copper and the amount of domestics we get to see each day (and even more at the weekend) still shocks me, even worse the fact that most of the people abused won't see it through to court let alone provide an allegation. Many will let them back in and go through it all again. There is a statistic (and I know it could be plucked from the air but I think there is some truth into it) that it takes about 30 odd assaults from a partner before the victim will make the police aware. That is scarey.

I've also got many memories as a child, seeing Mum beaten with black eyes etc, do they change? Maybe some do. If there are kids involved then get out, it leaves a very deep scar. I get a kick charging some bstard for assaulting his wife.

Hats off to any person who wants to try and change someone, to be in an environment where it could turn nasty at any time and for any reason, I couldn't do it.

Cheetah7

Personally I dont do nor like pain and a person would only get one chance to inflict it upon me.

Perhaps an abuser can change I dont know, but all I know is that each time a punch/slap is inflicted is a gamble to ones health and how many chances do you give a person if it only takes one slap in the wrong place to inflict perm. damage?

Life is short, bruises last ages and mental injury even longer, personally I could never trust a person that hit/abused me. I would be walking on egg shells.

Its not easy to stop loving someone that hits you, but as I say a smack in the wrong place could end up being far more harsh than making the break from the person that did it.

Sheff_Sparky

in my mums experiance and the OH's, his mum AND his sister. No, they dont change, run and get the hell out of there, but it's up to you if you are strong enough.

somme

YOU CAN ONLY BE ABUSED IF YOU ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE ,IF HE WON'T GET HELP WALK, RUN JUST PUT YOURSELF AND THE CHILDREN OUT OF THE EQUATION. GOOD LUCK