The 2014 joke thread
Jan 19th 2014 | 10:09 am
#1
Thread Starter
Lost in BE Cyberspace
Joined: Mar 2003
Posts: 9,400
The 2014 joke thread
The Royal Navy is proud to announce its new fleet of Type 45 destroyers .
Having initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless, the Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure from the European Union in Brussels, renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence.
The next five ships are to be HMS Empathy, HMS Circumspect, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist.
Costing £850 million each, they comply with the very latest employment, equality, health & safety and human rights laws.[/font]
The Royal Navy fully expects any future enemy to be jolly decent and to comply with the same high standards of behaviour.
The new user-friendly crow's nest has excellent wheelchair access.
Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims.
Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on board, as will a full sympathetic industrial tribunal.
The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and will contain the correct balance of race, gender, sexuality and disability. Sailors will only work a maximum of 37hrs per week as per Brussels Rules on Working Hours, even in wartime.
All the vessels are equipped with a maternity ward, a crèche and a gay disco. Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but recreational cannabis will be allowed in wardrooms and messes.
The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation for; "Rum, sodomy and the lash"; so out has gone the rum ration, replaced by sparkling water.
Sodomy remains, now extended to include all ratings under 18. The lash will still be available on request.
Saluting of officers is now considered elitist and has been replaced by "Hello Sailor". All information on notice boards will be in 37 different languages and Braille. Crew members will now no longer have to ask
permission to grow beards and/or moustaches. This applies equally to female crew.
The MoD is inviting suggestions for a "non-specific" flag because the White Ensign may offend minorities. The Union Jack must never be seen.
The newly re-named HMS Cautious will be commissioned shortly by Captain Hook from the Finsbury Park Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the hull.
She will gently slide into the sea as the Royal Marines Band plays "In the Navy" by the Village People.
Her first deployment will be to escort boatloads of illegal immigrants to ports on England 's south coast.
The Prime Minister said, "Our ships reflect the very latest in modern thinking and they will always be able to comply with any new legislation from Brussels
His final words were, "Britannia waives the rules.
Having initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless, the Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure from the European Union in Brussels, renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence.
The next five ships are to be HMS Empathy, HMS Circumspect, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist.
Costing £850 million each, they comply with the very latest employment, equality, health & safety and human rights laws.[/font]
The Royal Navy fully expects any future enemy to be jolly decent and to comply with the same high standards of behaviour.
The new user-friendly crow's nest has excellent wheelchair access.
Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims.
Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on board, as will a full sympathetic industrial tribunal.
The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and will contain the correct balance of race, gender, sexuality and disability. Sailors will only work a maximum of 37hrs per week as per Brussels Rules on Working Hours, even in wartime.
All the vessels are equipped with a maternity ward, a crèche and a gay disco. Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but recreational cannabis will be allowed in wardrooms and messes.
The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation for; "Rum, sodomy and the lash"; so out has gone the rum ration, replaced by sparkling water.
Sodomy remains, now extended to include all ratings under 18. The lash will still be available on request.
Saluting of officers is now considered elitist and has been replaced by "Hello Sailor". All information on notice boards will be in 37 different languages and Braille. Crew members will now no longer have to ask
permission to grow beards and/or moustaches. This applies equally to female crew.
The MoD is inviting suggestions for a "non-specific" flag because the White Ensign may offend minorities. The Union Jack must never be seen.
The newly re-named HMS Cautious will be commissioned shortly by Captain Hook from the Finsbury Park Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the hull.
She will gently slide into the sea as the Royal Marines Band plays "In the Navy" by the Village People.
Her first deployment will be to escort boatloads of illegal immigrants to ports on England 's south coast.
The Prime Minister said, "Our ships reflect the very latest in modern thinking and they will always be able to comply with any new legislation from Brussels
His final words were, "Britannia waives the rules.
May 6th 2014 | 11:24 pm
#2
Anything,Anytime,Anywhere
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 8,141
From: The Magic Roundabout
Re: The 2014 joke thread
Saw this and couldn't resist.......
Jun 19th 2014 | 7:15 pm
#3
Account Closed
Joined: May 2013
Posts: 0
stick this on the joke thread, i'm a bit pissed
A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the doctors.
'Doctor, I don't feel too good,' said the little Paper bag.
'Hmm, you look OK to me,' said the Doctor, 'but I'll do a blood test and see what that shows,
Come back and see me in a couple of days.'
The little paper bag felt no better when he got back for the results....
‘What's wrong with me?' asked the little paper bag.
'I'm afraid you are HIV positive!' said the doctor.
'No, I can't be - I'm just a little paper bag!' Said the little paper bag.
'Have you been having unprotected sex?' asked the doctor.
'NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!'
'Well have you been sharing needles with other Intravenous drug users?' asked the doctor.
'NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!'
'Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required a Jab or a blood transfusion?' queried the doctor.
'NO, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little paper bag!'
'Well', said the doctor, 'are you in a homosexual Relationship?'
'NO! I told you I can't do things like that, I'm Just a little paper bag!'
'Then there can be only one explanation.' said the doctor
'Your mother must have been a carrier'
'Doctor, I don't feel too good,' said the little Paper bag.
'Hmm, you look OK to me,' said the Doctor, 'but I'll do a blood test and see what that shows,
Come back and see me in a couple of days.'
The little paper bag felt no better when he got back for the results....
‘What's wrong with me?' asked the little paper bag.
'I'm afraid you are HIV positive!' said the doctor.
'No, I can't be - I'm just a little paper bag!' Said the little paper bag.
'Have you been having unprotected sex?' asked the doctor.
'NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!'
'Well have you been sharing needles with other Intravenous drug users?' asked the doctor.
'NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!'
'Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required a Jab or a blood transfusion?' queried the doctor.
'NO, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little paper bag!'
'Well', said the doctor, 'are you in a homosexual Relationship?'
'NO! I told you I can't do things like that, I'm Just a little paper bag!'
'Then there can be only one explanation.' said the doctor
'Your mother must have been a carrier'
Jun 21st 2014 | 2:41 pm
#4
Forum Regular
Joined: Apr 2013
Posts: 235
From: .
RBT
Two indigenous Australians were driving their well used and abused old EH Holden wagon in the outback recently, when off in the distance they saw a police "booze bus".
Rather than trying to avoid it, the driver headed straight for it. As they pulled up, the driver wound his window down and said 'Gidday brudders! Two cold cans of Emu Export, tanks!'
The copper glared at him and said 'You must be drunk! Get out of the car and blow into this tube!'
The driver said 'Sorry boss, I can't blow in ta dat fing, I gotta a letter from me doctor in Alice Springs saying dat I'm asthmatic
and I'll pass out if I blow inta dat.'
The cop smirked and said 'OK, in that case, we require you to give us a blood sample.'
'Nah, nah sorry, boss,' replied the driver. 'Can't be doin' that eifer. Got a letter from the Red Cross in Darwin sayin' that I'm a haemophiliac and I could bleed to deaf rel quick if I gave a blood sample. Nah, sorry, boss, can't do that!'
By now the copper was getting very irate so he demanded that the driver provide a urine sample for testing.
The driver shook his head and said
'Nah, sorry boss, can't do that eifer.'
The copper protested 'Surely you haven't got a letter for that as well!!!'
'Blood oath, mate!' says the driver,
'It's from Tony Abbott, the Prime Minister of this lovely Country of Australia . He's apologised, and it says that you whitefellas can't take the piss out of us blackfellas no more!
Rather than trying to avoid it, the driver headed straight for it. As they pulled up, the driver wound his window down and said 'Gidday brudders! Two cold cans of Emu Export, tanks!'
The copper glared at him and said 'You must be drunk! Get out of the car and blow into this tube!'
The driver said 'Sorry boss, I can't blow in ta dat fing, I gotta a letter from me doctor in Alice Springs saying dat I'm asthmatic
and I'll pass out if I blow inta dat.'
The cop smirked and said 'OK, in that case, we require you to give us a blood sample.'
'Nah, nah sorry, boss,' replied the driver. 'Can't be doin' that eifer. Got a letter from the Red Cross in Darwin sayin' that I'm a haemophiliac and I could bleed to deaf rel quick if I gave a blood sample. Nah, sorry, boss, can't do that!'
By now the copper was getting very irate so he demanded that the driver provide a urine sample for testing.
The driver shook his head and said
'Nah, sorry boss, can't do that eifer.'
The copper protested 'Surely you haven't got a letter for that as well!!!'
'Blood oath, mate!' says the driver,
'It's from Tony Abbott, the Prime Minister of this lovely Country of Australia . He's apologised, and it says that you whitefellas can't take the piss out of us blackfellas no more!
Jun 30th 2014 | 3:01 pm
#5
Lost in BE Cyberspace
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 5,396
From: Cayman Islands
Re: The 2014 joke thread
Bit of a conversation-stopper...!
Dec 24th 2014 | 9:48 am
#6
Anything,Anytime,Anywhere
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 8,141
From: The Magic Roundabout
Re: The 2014 joke thread
Thought I might just lighten the day for you all......
A Christmas Story for people having a bad day:
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree......
A Christmas Story for people having a bad day:
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree......
Dec 24th 2014 | 10:16 am
#7
MODERATOR
Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 31,930
From: Adelaide
Re: The 2014 joke thread
Thought I might just lighten the day for you all......
A Christmas Story for people having a bad day:
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree......
A Christmas Story for people having a bad day:
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree......
Happy Christmas
Dec 24th 2014 | 11:05 am
#8
Daffyd Duck
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 5,636
From: Paradise
Re: The 2014 joke thread
why did sally fall off the swing?
cos she had no arms!
knock, knock!
who's there?
not sally.
cos she had no arms!
knock, knock!
who's there?
not sally.
Dec 24th 2014 | 5:45 pm
#9
da Bonehead
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 22,767
From: Lion in da jungle
Re: The 2014 joke thread
There were two lions walking down Mane Street and one said to the other "not many people around are there?"
Dec 24th 2014 | 8:55 pm
#10
Anything,Anytime,Anywhere
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 8,141
From: The Magic Roundabout
Re: The 2014 joke thread
Enjoy the story below!
A young girl from Donegal leaves home to find work in the bright lights of London.
She comes home 6 months later and steps out of a taxi wearing a full-length mink coat.
'Begorrah, Colleen,' says her mother. 'Tis a lovely soft coat yer wearin' an' it looks so expensive. Where did ye get that?'
Colleen replies, 'Sure now, I won it at the bingo. Don't they have wonderful prizes in London?'
When the weekend's over, Colleen returns to the bright lights, but she's back to visit her mum a few months later.
This time, when she steps out of the taxi, she's wearing a beautiful gold wristwatch and a large diamond ring.
Same exchange with Mum...same 'Won it at bingo!' Colleen returns to the bright lights again.
A few months later, she's back. This time she's sporting a beautiful emerald and diamond necklace with matching bracelet and earrings.
She hands her mother 1,000 pounds and explains that she won it all in bingo.
Then she asks Mum to run her a bath as she needs to freshen up.
When Colleen gets to the bathroom, there's only a quarter inch of hot water in the bath.
Colleen, a wee bit peeved at her Mum being so cheap with the hot water after being handed 1,000 pounds, calls downstairs -
'Mum! sure now, didn't I ask you to run me a bath? There's only a quarter inch of water in the tub!'
'Indeed there is, me darlin,' replies her Mum.
'But we don't want ye gettin' yer bingo card wet now, do we?'
You can never fool Mum.
A young girl from Donegal leaves home to find work in the bright lights of London.
She comes home 6 months later and steps out of a taxi wearing a full-length mink coat.
'Begorrah, Colleen,' says her mother. 'Tis a lovely soft coat yer wearin' an' it looks so expensive. Where did ye get that?'
Colleen replies, 'Sure now, I won it at the bingo. Don't they have wonderful prizes in London?'
When the weekend's over, Colleen returns to the bright lights, but she's back to visit her mum a few months later.
This time, when she steps out of the taxi, she's wearing a beautiful gold wristwatch and a large diamond ring.
Same exchange with Mum...same 'Won it at bingo!' Colleen returns to the bright lights again.
A few months later, she's back. This time she's sporting a beautiful emerald and diamond necklace with matching bracelet and earrings.
She hands her mother 1,000 pounds and explains that she won it all in bingo.
Then she asks Mum to run her a bath as she needs to freshen up.
When Colleen gets to the bathroom, there's only a quarter inch of hot water in the bath.
Colleen, a wee bit peeved at her Mum being so cheap with the hot water after being handed 1,000 pounds, calls downstairs -
'Mum! sure now, didn't I ask you to run me a bath? There's only a quarter inch of water in the tub!'
'Indeed there is, me darlin,' replies her Mum.
'But we don't want ye gettin' yer bingo card wet now, do we?'
You can never fool Mum.
Dec 24th 2014 | 8:58 pm
#11
Anything,Anytime,Anywhere
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 8,141
From: The Magic Roundabout
Re: The 2014 joke thread
A guy goes into the Adelaide Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."
"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistanfor one tour."
The interviewer says, "That will give you five extra points toward employment."
Then he asks,"Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Disabled in your country's service! Well, that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay. Looking at the regulations you
have got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."
The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want mehere until 10:00 am?"
"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.
No point in you coming in for that."
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."
"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistanfor one tour."
The interviewer says, "That will give you five extra points toward employment."
Then he asks,"Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Disabled in your country's service! Well, that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay. Looking at the regulations you
have got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."
The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want mehere until 10:00 am?"
"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.
No point in you coming in for that."
