Back ten months. No happier. (Sorry !)
 

I moved back to the UK in March after 14 years in Canada. Moving back hasn't made me any happier and hasn't resolved the uncertainty I had over where to live. This is unexpected.

The practical side of the move went according to plan, with no surprises or significant problems. I was prepared for things like traffic and rain. What surprised me was that the things I had been looking forward to, including hiking in the Lake District and visiting family and friends have not felt as rewarding as I expected. I am hoping this may change as we become more settled, particularly when we get our own place with a garden for my dog, Nyla.

During the last few years in Canada I sometimes felt envious seeing other people getting on with their lives while I struggled to decide whether to stay or leave. Looking back, I now think that if I had put the time and money that I spent planning and preparing for moving back to the UK into building a more complete life in Calgary, the overall result might have been as good as, or better than, my current situation.

I undervalued the things we already had in Calgary. We were settled, we had a home, good dog walking, daycare and nice weather. Instead of appreciating those things, I focussed on the things we didn't have. Now that we have those things, I find I am focussing on other wants, some of which are things we had in Calgary! The pursuit of happiness is starting to seem unwise, like chasing a rainbow. Instead, I think I should try to to adapt to and accept situations, appreciating what we have and making the most of it.

I am not unhappy, and there have been times when being in the UK helped. Leaving family, in Devon, to return to the place we are renting in Lancashire is far less upsetting than it was when we were living in Canada knowing we would not see them for another year. Even so, there have been days when I considered moving back to Calgary and building a more complete life there. I still haven't ruled that out, although I think I ought to see the current plan through and give us more time to get settled in the UK. One difficulty is that buying a home of our own would make us feel settled, but it also commits us to staying in that location and I don't feel ready to do that.

Re: Back ten months. No happier. (Sorry !)
 

Oh, sorry. Curse of the expat strikes again ? Not happy where you were, not happy where you are.

I apologise if that sounds like a criticism, it wasn't.

I am concerned that should we return to Britain, will it solve anything ? Will I hanker for my overseas life. One thing I can see coming is that I will miss home and that will be the home we had overseas, in my case, New Zealand.

That is only until we make a home for ourselves in Britain. I missed our old house in Britain terribly when we moved to NZ. That was until a few months after our arrival and we purchased and settled into our home.

Re: Back ten months. No happier. (Sorry !)
 

Sorry to hear you are conflicted. But good weather?

Re: Back ten months. No happier. (Sorry !)
 

i think I could actually be happy in either country. But I persuade myself that I need one more move before I can settle down and live happily ever after. So even now, I am considering moving to the south west of England or back to Calgary. At least this time, staying put in Lancashire is also an option.

I think, for me, settling in a location that is good enough is a better strategy than seeking some ideal location.

Are you a satisficer or a maximizer? | Gretchen Rubin

Re: Back ten months. No happier. (Sorry !)
 

Thanks! After years of walking with my dog Nyla twice a day -15C is no problem. I never complained about the cold in Calgary after being in Saskatoon one January. I'm not sure exactly how cold it was because my thermometer stopped at -30C and it was well below that. I still think it's easier to dress for cold than for rain. Long johns and a snood are the secrets.

Re: Back ten months. No happier. (Sorry !)
 

As a ex-Torontonian, 15 below was pretty bad - but relatively balmy for Calgary. Really appreciate your post, it is one of the most thoughtful and thought provoking ones that I have read around here.

Your dog has an interesting name, same name (but different spelling) as a good friend of mine who is Lebanese.

Re: Back ten months. No happier. (Sorry !)
 

I recently found this short TED talk about making difficult choices. It's worth watching more than once, particularly the insight about reasons for choosing one option over another which is about two thirds of the way through. It seems like a more personal way of deciding things like where to live than an impersonal list of pros and cons.

Ruth Chang: How to make hard choices | Talk Video | TED.com

Re: Back ten months. No happier. (Sorry !)
 

Sorry things haven't settled for you, Pete. Your posts and threads are always interesting and informative.

I think the curse of the expat falls under the category "maximizer" - we want it all, and we want it now! (seriously, I think maximizers find it very difficult to accept compromise, or situations where everything isn't perfect).

I can identify with some of the thoughts you have expressed. I think I have finally come to the point where I can accept that things are what they are and they'll never be perfect, or even close to it. There are still a lot of things that could do with fixing or being different but until I retire there isn't much I can do about it.

I liked the response from one of the posters on the Gretchen Rubin page you linked to. I have pasted his(?) reply below:

"I'm a maximizer and will research every option before buying something. This can be maddening (to me and others), so, to combat this, I impose limits, say, a dollar amount I can afford, a deadline, or a location (say, a mall). This seems self-evident, but having those limits in my mind limits my options and allows me to make a decision, since I only have to chose between, say, 5 things rather than 100. It helps."

- This is a great strategy for managing expectations of perfection - limit your options and find the best out of those available.

Re: Back ten months. No happier. (Sorry !)
 

Very interesting, Pete.

I too am a maximizer, it's hard, I know I have to accept sometimes when things are not perfect.
I think I am learning to distinguish between deep-seated needs to make me feel like myself--eg moving back to UK or at least spending more time here--and little wants and desires that are not really as important as all that.

Also, maximizers do find it hard to rejoice in the status quo. Always dreaming about how to make things better and underappreciating what we have in the now (speaking for myself).
I know that this is not the path to contentment and as I grow older I am really trying to combat this tendency. Modern trends tapping into ancient wisdom--eg mindfulness--do help with this (if practised!)

Reading your post, I am thinking two things:

a. Moving to southwest England, one of your ideas, might really help. You still feel pangs when you leave the family members there. Lancashire is closer than you were before, but still quite a trek.

b. Having one's own place is hugely helpful in feeling less transitory and more settled.

….so….think about having your own place in s-w England?

Re: Back ten months. No happier. (Sorry !)
 

Sorry you're having a difficult time.

I must admit when I read that you might move back to Calgary and then work to build a full life there, I thought 'why not save the money and hassle and build the full life here in the UK?"

Not because I'm being flippant, or voting for the UK as better, but because you obviously don't feel either place is perfect, and because it sounds as though you're doing the same thing here as you did in Calgary .... not fully living life because you're thinking about another alternative.

I have a tendency to focus on the negatives in personal relationships and I've found it very helpful to spend time every day thinking of the good things, the things that make me feel grateful. It sounds a bit corny, but actually it has greatly improved my outlook and my moods. Maybe the same thing is true about where we live?

I wish you well in whatever you decide.

Re: Back ten months. No happier. (Sorry !)
 

It is tempting. I used to live south of Bristol near the Mendip hills. It is a nice area.

Re: Back ten months. No happier. (Sorry !)
 

It's a fair cop! I con myself into thinking I will definitely settle down and get on with normal life but I just need one more move first.

Re: Back ten months. No happier. (Sorry !)
 

It all sounds like a bit of a midlife crisis, far more going on than just living here or there! Buy a house, that will help, put down some roots and then book a getaway somewhere. You always get a sense of home after returning from a holiday. :thumbup:

Re: Back ten months. No happier. (Sorry !)
 

OP, well its a tough one & only you know what to do.

Its been 10 mths & by now you'd know whether to stay or ping-pong.

Is it possible to relocate closer to relatives in the UK?

Have you considered a holiday back to Calgary before the end of March this year (in the deep cold months) to see if its all that you'd want to move back to?

Again, it will mean uprooting, finding a job, the disconnect etc.

Me thinks you're torn & that as some would say 'you moved back to the UK for a reason & purpose'. I think its best to buy that house & put Calgary behind you.

My two penny worth

Good luck

Re: Back ten months. No happier. (Sorry !)
 

Oh, I like this plan! I have just turned 50 so I'm all set for my mid life crisis.

Re: Back ten months. No happier. (Sorry !)
 

bit harsh me thinks

Did something change along the way different to what you have in the OP, or do you think it was the long period in Canada that makes adjustment back in the UK so difficult?

Re: Back ten months. No happier. (Sorry !)
 

I feel for you Pete. I am also one of those people who always thinks ahead and plot and plan! Much to my OH's despair!

I thought moving back to UK would be the answer to my problems and my feelings but they were all in my head and I have demons to deal with and no matter where I am they will follow me!

My new motto is now if I don't know what to do, I do nothing!

However in your case, personally I would do as advised, go back down to Devon, buy a house and settle. If you really want answers go back to Calgary for a holiday as suggested. Remember with oil prices going down there is going to be some changes afoot!

Re: Back ten months. No happier. (Sorry !)
 

The north west is a lot more affordable than the south west. We could rent in the south west although many rentals won't accept a dog. I do feel more connected to friends and family when we visit the south west so that may be more important than the affordability.

Calgary is still recent enough that I can easily recall what it's like in winter. Although I now think we could have stayed in Calgary and just got on with life, I am not sure that it would make sense to move back there. We should at least make a proper go of it here in England.

Re: Back ten months. No happier. (Sorry !)
 

I was thinking a mid life crisis makes a great excuse to buy a motorbike! I would have to get a side car for my dog, Nyla.

I have found that living back in Britain is a different experience from just visiting Britain on holidays. A holiday is full of positive experiences.'Real life' is full of commuting, work, bills and so on. I don't mind those things, but maybe that difference is why I haven't felt as positive about being back in the UK as I had expected to.

Re: Back ten months. No happier. (Sorry !)
 

I like this sentence as I think it could speak for the feelings of many people who make a move to A N Other country. Not just a return move.

It has taken some pals of ours over two years to feel better connected and more settled following a return to the UK after just ten years in New Zealand.

Nyla
 

My dog Nyla has had a lot to adapt to after our move from Calgary.

She was fascinated to find a hedgehog. Perhaps she thought it was a baby porcupine.

She spent some time leaning over a wall to study piglets. She hasn't seen pigs before. Foxes were less surprising and I think she has classified them as junior coyotes. She had no hesitation chasing them.

After years of looking out for bears, we were both slightly embarrassed when a friend pointed out we had both stepped over a large adder which was sun bathing on a path in Devon. Luckily all four paws and my boots missed it.

Fireworks night was terrifying. Nyla is not frightened by grizzly bears, but hides in her crate when she hears even the quietest of bangs. So we spent the evening of November 5th parked in a remote spot on top of the Pennines as far away from the explosions as we could get.

Nyla likes the terraced houses here in the village as the front doors open directly onto the pavement. This is a great opportunity for a nosey dog to peer inside and also meet people.

Re: Back ten months. No happier. (Sorry !)
 

A dog in a side car would make a lovely picture! I take on board what you say about holidaying in a place being different to living there. We will now be spending 3 months a year in Cape Town living in my mother's cottage on her property (she is in a retirement complex so not in my face) to get a feel of life back there maybe one day, instead of our usual 1 month holiday jetting around, drinking copious amounts of wine, eating out with friends and lying on the beach!

To help me decide what I want I asked myself "if you had a choice where would you like to die"? Sounds macabre but answered my question of how I feel today! What I feel today may not be what I feel in 10 year's time though! It however is a start!

Re: Back ten months. No happier. (Sorry !)
 

It's not macabre. It is something I have started to ask myself of late.

A good thread for me so thanks to Calgary Pete for starting this.

Re: Nyla
 

Now I am jealous, one of the selling points for one of my cats is that I promised him hedgehogs. Poor HuW has not seen one but has experienced a major surgery on his knee.

If you do decided to get a motor bike and side car, you'd better get her fitted for a doggie helmet!

Re: Back ten months. No happier. (Sorry !)
 

Here is a picture of a dog in a sidecar. Approaching the 50 I dream of doing what Ara and Spirit are doing!
The Oasis Of My Soul » About us… myself “Ara” and my buddy “Spirit”

Re: Back ten months. No happier. (Sorry !)
 

Thanks Viking, what an amazing guy.

Re: Nyla
 

From experience, I firmly believe that the best solution to missing somewhere, or thinking you could have made it somewhere "back there" is not to return. (It could be, but it's not the automatic answer). I spent maybe years 2-5 post-return thinking and planning and wistfully missing my past life in the US but I now know the solution to any ills is not to return (though I did just turn down a nice job opportunity in the US last February, i.e., Year 8!)

For one thing, I realise that moving back has put me overall in a better financial position than if I had stayed in the US (house prices aside, as I think you also recognise). For another, I think going back somewhere is a completely kettle of fish than having stayed there.

Dogs are a great source of companionship and amusement. Suzy (a rescue dog) slowly and surely became more adventurous and loved meeting people on our walks here (whereas in the US we would meet NO-ONE while walking). She never got over her fear of fireworks and loud noises, but it was as bad in the US as here. Whereas I missed the dry, sunny warmth of our walks in the US, she seemed to revel in getting thoroughly wet and muddy, and rolling in all manner of soggy, decaying animal matter that you find in the British countryside!

Re: Back ten months. No happier. (Sorry !)
 

It's a bit like a relationship. At first it's nothing but fun and happiness, but over time you have to start living real life together and it changes. You find yourself outside Asda in the rain having an argument about how much money you spent, and you think 'what happened to all that romance?!'

Some people leave at that point, and find someone else to fall in love with, and at first it's wonderful but of course, at some point there they are in Asda in the rain and it's time to leave again.

Others stick it out and over time they find that a deeper love has replaced the initial infatuation and they take an umbrella to Asda and overlook the extra items he bought, and actually, they think, it's quite nice to have someone to help carry the shopping and light a fire when they get home.

Re: Back ten months. No happier. (Sorry !)
 

Very well put, Sally!

Re: Nyla
 

Very interesting, dunrovin. Deciding not to go back and try and recreate something that in any case would not be the same as it was the first time, or as it would have been if you had stayed all along.

I've been on BE long enough to remember your earlier wistful and unsettled posts--sounds as if you are now in a more contented place…interesting process.

Calgary Pete, I think when you say "I do feel more connected to friends and family when we visit the south-west," that is a really important statement.

Being in the same country, UK, as your family and friends doesn't make much difference if they are not close enough to see regularly…and if there is a different, specific part of the UK that really means "home" to you, whether because of family or landscape or both, then it makes more sense to try and be there, no?

Agreed, it is hard to find rentals that accept dogs…and are you saying it's harder in the s-w? Maybe so…I know it is hard here in my Glos town...but I think in the end one can find them.

Re: Back ten months. No happier. (Sorry !)
 

But I use Asda home delivery! I sit on the sofa with Nyla and we choose all our food, with no rain at all. I have completely missed the point haven't I?

Leaving Canada did feel slightly like breaking up. Sometimes I still look at pictures of Canada. Am I being unfaithful to Britain? I don't like letting go of things so even after ten months back in the UK I feel reluctant to say Canada is in the past.

I will book an appointment with Relate, and see if they can help me and Britain figure things out.

Re: Nyla
 

I chose the north west because it's close enough to the lake district for day walks and to Scotland for weekends. We could also afford to buy a place in the north west whereas that might not be possible in the south west. So we could be stuck renting if we move south.

I think I might settle more quickly if I was closer to family and friends in the south west. But I might miss having the lake district hills nearby. So I wonder if I just need to give the north west more time.

Re: Back ten months. No happier. (Sorry !)
 

:rofl::rofl::rofl:

Re: Nyla
 

Hm I see, yes this is a dilemma.

Of course in the s-w you have the Mendips, Quantocks, Dartmoor, Exmoor, etc.

BUT I know very well that one's love for a particular place, a particular landscape, can run very deep…if it is the Lake District, which is certainly unique, that you need to be near, then I can see how that competes with the pull of friends and family in the s-w. Then the lower house prices in north tipped the balance for your decision.

here's a mental exercise to try (I hope this doesn't sound patronising--this kind of thing helps me work out what I really want, sometimes):-

Imagine money isn't an issue--imagine you can buy a place in the s-w just as easily as you could in the north.
Now is the decision clearer?

Re: Nyla
 

Well said, I try and use the same method and it is always good to be reminded of it. JK Rowling springs to mind as someone who likely can live anywhere in the world but chooses Scotland.

Re: Nyla
 

when one has lived in Canada for a few years you sort of get used to traveling 5KM for one or two grocery items, even the movies, Doctors or a Hockey game..

unless its positioning, work or financial....

If the NW is where you'd like to be, then surely the travel to relatives further down the country is only 3-4 hours away?

Relative...

Calgary to Edmonton ~300KM

Manchester to Mendip ~ 300KM

Good luck with your decision Pete

Re: Nyla
 

No. Sorry! I'm just dithering because I want 3 different places. (The Lake District, the south west and Calgary. And possibly Portugal too, as I have been missing sunshine). As long as I put off making a decision, I don't have to let go of any of them.

Re: Nyla
 

:rofl::rofl:

forget that lot, move to Malta :nod::nod::nod::amen:

Re: Nyla
 

My family and friends are at least 6 hours drive away, sometimes more with traffic. I think that being able to visit people and return home the same day might make me feel more connected. But you are right, I can now visit within for a long weekend, so I see them far more often than I did when I was in Canada.

Re: Nyla
 

Do they have decent cheese?