Back but struggling
 

Hi all,

This is bound to be a ramble, cos my head is a ramble so apologies in advance. I just need to get it out.

I won't bore you with why our adventure in SE Asia didn't work out apart from saying that the school was a really bad fit for my youngest DS and the situation became completely untenable, the school were rubbish at handling it and we had no other option.

We left the UK on 21st June 2012, thinking we would never return. We planned a couple of years in Asia, then a move to California. In May 2013 I returned to the UK with the children. DH stayed on and commuted between here and Asia doing 2 weeks there and 2 weeks here. He moved over permanently in early November. We moved to a nice area about 30 miles from where we used to live. We didn't know anyone here. It was really about not feeling like we could/wanted to go back to our old town and also where we could get 2 kids into a school halfway through the year (in the South-East).

So here we are. And it mostly sucks right now. We are both really struggling. DH loved his job over there and whilst he's managed to get a transfer with the same company it's not the same. The commute is looooong (2 hours vs 20 minutes but thankfully he can work from home 2 to 3 days a week). The commute is expensive (£70 vs 70p, although thankfully it's expensable). Business is booming in Asia and his clients were doing lots of cutting edge stuff Here it's boring and he's feeling down about it, understandably. And let's not even start on the weather.

I wasn't 100% settled in Asia. I think I could have been much more so, but constant and increasingly serious stresses with school kind of sucked the life out of me. I knew I didn't want to stay there forever (climate and city living mainly) but I wanted to enjoy the time there. Looking back now it feels like that was impossible. So there's a big fat regret.

We're not close to family in the UK and didn't really feel home sick at all. But when we came back in May and the kids started a local state school (another new school for them) and settled really well I think I felt so relieved and happy to be back and all warm and fuzzy about the UK and all neg about Asia. That's kind of worn off now and we're (DH and I) feeling trapped in the UK. We want to give living overseas another go. We certainly don't feel any sense of love for the UK atm. But we're terrified of moving the kids who are happy and settled.

As a couple we've been through the wringer this last year. We are strong and have a good relationship and I'm sure that's what got us through the tough times. At one point we stopped talking about it and I think we both bottled it all up. But it seems to be coming out now which is a good thing and we do feel in that "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" kind of a place. And we both want the same things which is a relief cos if one wanted something different that would probably be the end of us.

We failed. We failed in our quite possibly one shot at a lifetime adventure. To do something different. To have more than a mediocre life living in the same country the whole time.

BUT, the kids are happy. Youngest DS (8) is healthy and well and sleeping and not biting his nails down to the skin anymore. That is not to be underestimated and not to be repeated at any cost, but how will we know?

Anyone seen The Hobbit? When Bilbo Baggins has all the dwarves in his house, and they invite him on their adventure and he declines. Then he wakes up the next day and at first feels relief that they have gone. But then it dawns on him that life is out there for the living, and he runs after them shouting "I'm going on an adventure...."? Well, that's how we felt. And we feel changed by it and in so much pain because it didn't work out and no-one understands what we have been through. Even the 2 x international moves in under a year. The physical aspect of the moves, let alone the emotional cost.

Does this ring a bell with anyone? Will we ever feel settled again? :cry_smile::cry_smile::cry_smile::cry_smile:

Re: Back but struggling
 

Hi. Sorry you're having a hard time of it right now.

It's probably not want you want to hear, but I would suggest you think about just leaving things as they are for a while. The kids are settled and happy. Your husband's job isn't perfect, but it's a job and he can work at home for several days a week. Plus the high commuting costs for when he does commute are expensed, so that's good.

I don't pretend to know all the ins and outs of your situation, but I do know how panicky one feels about being in a situation like you're in and wondering if you did this or that and would have it been better. It's hard to not just quickly make another change thinking that some of the angst and issues might be resolved. But honestly, making another quick change might make things even worse.

I would take out a calendar and set yourselves a 'decision deadline.' Make it six months or a year away. Make it tie in with school holidays or new terms. Make it anything you want, but make it realistic. Don't give yourself just a couple of months. Give yourself a good chunk of time.

And during that time, try to make the most of the region you live in. Go explore. Take the kids to some new places. Look up old friends or other relatives and go have a culpa or meet them for ice creams. Do something different to get yourselves out of the current mindset, just to give you and the kids a chance for now. The past doesn't equal the future. Who knows... maybe things will start looking a bit more cheerful into the Spring and Summer.

Take care and all the best, M

Re: Back but struggling
 

Thanks so much for that MrMuffin. Very wise words indeed. We have said we will evaluate next Christmas. DH won't/can't ask his employers to move us again - he has only been employed in the UK for 2 months! And we sought out the move to Asia (new job, not a posting). So he needs to show them he is not flaky.

We are near the New Forest. Will be lovely to explore once Spring is here. We're in a lovely part of the world. We're both from Surrey. Is that where you're hoping to return to? Must be scary after so long away? Do you mind me asking why you're coming back?

Thank you again. You've hit the nail on the head with many of your comments.

Re: Back but struggling
 

Glad to be of help... or at least to be a shoulder :)

I've been wanting to move back for years but life happens. But I finally started to have a family in 2008 and started to have incredibly huge homesickness almost immediately. I realized what a huge hole there was in my life without the rest of my (UK) family closer and how much my kids would miss out on not being close to grandparents and cousins. My USC wife's family here is distant and they're not family-type people. We only see them three or four times a year (despite us trying to make more regular plans and making suggestions for ways for them to see the kids) but they're only 45 mins drive away but with their attitude you'd think we lived on the other coast or something.

I'd move back to Surrey in a heartbeat, but all my family back in the UK have buggered off to different parts of the UK. So we're going to Cornwall where my Mum and sister are, and we can't wait. I'm self employed and my wife will be working from the UK for her US firm, so luckily employment is all set. And with the kids being 3 and 5 we're looking into schools and housing options for when we move, which could be as soon as Oct/Nov of this year.

I can't wait and wish it was tomorrow. All the best to you!!

Re: Back but struggling
 

i think you have to give it time and try to focus on the more positive things about the move and the UK. Are there things that you can change about your current situation that might make it seem better? When we focus solely on the negative then everything gets pulled down to that level. I would worry about the constant moving for the kids its not going to be easy for them. Take some time as you really havent been back for long. Oh and never make a decision during the winter. during the winter months we all feel more negative about things, wait until a nice sunny spring day and then think about it:-)

Re: Back but struggling
 

So true. My boys grew up in the US not really knowing their UK grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. I moved back to the UK in 1997 and got the "what have I done" panic, and ping ponged back to the US within 6 months. I really regret not giving the UK more time. Now I am ready to go home again, but the boys are adults and they want to stay here in the US.

Also from Surrey :)

Re: Back but struggling
 

That's the sort of "relationship" we have with our parents here MrMuffin. They have been zero support or help with our kids. Ever. Good luck with your move - it sounds like you have it all sorted. School will fall into place - it's the perfect age to move back.

Re: Back but struggling
 

I'm at the stage of feeling that adventure is a bit overrated. It sounds like you have some good stuff going on where you are, try to build on that.

Re: Back but struggling
 

Quote Pupsiecola: 'We want to give living overseas another go. We certainly don't feel any sense of love for the UK atm. But we're terrified of moving the kids who are happy and settled.'

Maybe it is time for a reality check - long commute but can work from home 2-3 days a week - what's not to like?

Kids are happy - you two still think 'the grass is greener' - maybe time to put kids' happiness before your own for a while and live in the present?

Weather has been really weird in England - spring and summer will eventually arrive and it will all start to look better if you start to look for the positives. I personally still get immense pleasure from the choice in supermarkets and I've been back nearly 2 years.

Re: Back but struggling
 

Hi Pupsiecola, it's hard isn't it when you feel that you want to move away and don't feel settled in the UK? You didn't fail, so stop beating yourself up, you put the kids first and made your decisions based on that. That's absolutely what you had to do and wonderfully caring as a parent. You say the kids are settled and happy and my question to you is have you been settled and happy, at anytime in your life?

Please excuse my question, as it may sound intrusive and have no relevance to you, but it is an important question to ask yourself IMHO. I know what it's like to always feel unsettled, wherever I was in life I never quite settled, anywhere, I always had my eye on the next thing, the next house etc., Moving to NZ the same thing happened. Within 3/4 months I thought what have I done? I started talking about moving back to Europe and the same thing would have happened again. I would have wanted to move. So I asked myself the hard question, why on earth have I been so unsettled all my life? Anyway, many tears and much enlightenment later, I am more settled now than I have been at any other time in my life. I still get the 'Bilbo Baggins' jitters, there are so many adventures out there to be had, but I first and foremost am at home in myself. That's made a huge difference to me, and my adventure is right here, right now. And I believe that would be the case wherever I was.

I think some of us are born with wanderlust, that never quite gets sated, but sometimes it is something within that needs listening to. And maybe it's a bit of both. Good luck and be kind with yourself, make peace with the here and now and hopefully your Bilbo Baggins moment is yet to come. As they say in NZ 'Fair Travels'.

Re: Back but struggling
 

Errrr. We did put kids' happiness first. That's the reason we moved back to the UK. Doh.

Thanks everyone else for the helpful and supportive posts.

Re: Back but struggling
 

Thanks for your kind words. Yep, most of my life I've felt settled and happy (on the whole). Grew up in a small village where everyone knows everyone - lived there until I was 22. Still in touch with some of my friends from when I was 2, 3, 4 years old etc.

Then stayed in the same county for around 10 years. Got married and had the kids and lived in one house for 5 years, then another for 7 years.

It actually took a lot of guts to do what we did, precisely because we have both had very settled lives I think? It's not something we did lightly and I think that's why it hurts all the more.

Thank you, yes we did put the kid(s) first (silly poster above with their ridiculous comment). We sacrificed our dream and career progression to do the right thing for the kids cos we knew in our hearts that's what was required. Doesn't stop the sadness and disappointment deep within though.

Re: Back but struggling
 

I don't think the poster meant to be unkind. Maybe just a way of looking at things that might help you feel settled?

Re: Back but struggling
 

I didn't read the poster's comment as being unkind.

I don't think the intention was to imply you had not being putting the kids first, only that (to paraphrase), "maybe for a while the thing to do is to make the kids' happiness the #1 priority".

Re: Back but struggling
 

I feel for you.
7 years ago when we moved back to my homeland I struggled for years to find peace with the decision. I was super happy with our life in the UK and wasn't bothered about moving to my homeland, but we had always said that we would do five years in each country. Our children where too young at the time to not adjust (3.5, 2 and 7 wks). But boy did I struggle.

A few things got me through the dark days.
One was to make sure I did one nice thing for myself each day - whether that was a piece if cake, a walk, read a magazine in peace - locked in a bathroom :rofl:
Our relationship was strong and we had done some major stressful things before that were testing (ie Huge renovation of an old warehouse with a newborn - we seem to like doing things with newborns - go figure). So we had a saying which was 'to make a decision and then make it right'.
That never meant that it couldn't be changed in the future, but for right now, the decision that we had made as a family we had to then make right and not dwell in the what's ifs.
We never said that we would never move back as never is a long time. (Turns out we are coming back a few years earlier than planned due to circumstance)

And also, remember that nothing is ever set in stone. You can always change things.

Take a little time to create a life again where you are, and if that is not working then re-evaluate and make a move. Be it closer to your OH work (so the commute is less) or another adventure overseas,