4mth update
Jun 6th 2010, 9:18 pm
#16
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Location: Canberra
Posts: 8,378
Re: 4mth update
OK, thanks for the input. I'm starting to nail it down to a few things but I reckon the problem is one of guilt. I know, even if Mrs T gets a good job here she won't be really happy, she won't be unhappy in the UK but not really happy either. I know she's only here (when she is here
) for me.
Now I wasn't happy in Oz and she knew that and has made a big decision to come here.
I'm not sure what I'm trying to say as I've had my 10th sleepness night (partly due to this and partly because the kids that live above us are sick and there is much noise in the night
) BUT I think that Mrs T and I have been together with just her and I without family for so long that she has become my 'country' now. (if that makes sense?).
The 'thing' that isn't right is that I'm struggling with the selfishness of us both being here and I'm the only one with a job. I'm annoyed with myself that I couldn't make a bigger effort on her behalf in Oz because I'm beginning to realise now that there is a chance that she may end up feeling about the UK the same way I felt about Oz (although she's be too polite to say), and that's not a nice place to be emotionally.
I'd say it was guilt, but I'm not Catholic.
) for me.Now I wasn't happy in Oz and she knew that and has made a big decision to come here.
I'm not sure what I'm trying to say as I've had my 10th sleepness night (partly due to this and partly because the kids that live above us are sick and there is much noise in the night
) BUT I think that Mrs T and I have been together with just her and I without family for so long that she has become my 'country' now. (if that makes sense?).The 'thing' that isn't right is that I'm struggling with the selfishness of us both being here and I'm the only one with a job. I'm annoyed with myself that I couldn't make a bigger effort on her behalf in Oz because I'm beginning to realise now that there is a chance that she may end up feeling about the UK the same way I felt about Oz (although she's be too polite to say), and that's not a nice place to be emotionally.
I'd say it was guilt, but I'm not Catholic.
Sometimes you have to go with the least worst option - which one of you is going to be the least unhappy where you are and maybe she will be stronger than you in that regard (dare I say that women tend to be LOL). I tend to think that you may be worrying unnecessarily - wait until she is back and on her career pathway and then see what happens. She sounds to be a really great lady and once her own family issues are sorted I would imagine that she would be more concerned about your mental health and your need to be where you feel you belong. At the end of the day, one of you is always going to be just that little bit more selfish than the other and one of you is always going to be better at dealing with it.
Jun 7th 2010, 8:52 am
#17
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Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 696
Re: 4mth update
OK, thanks for the input. I'm starting to nail it down to a few things but I reckon the problem is one of guilt. I know, even if Mrs T gets a good job here she won't be really happy, she won't be unhappy in the UK but not really happy either. I know she's only here (when she is here) for me.
Now I wasn't happy in Oz and she knew that and has made a big decision to come here.
I'm not sure what I'm trying to say as I've had my 10th sleepness night (partly due to this and partly because the kids that live above us are sick and there is much noise in the night) BUT I think that Mrs T and I have been together with just her and I without family for so long that she has become my 'country' now. (if that makes sense?).
The 'thing' that isn't right is that I'm struggling with the selfishness of us both being here and I'm the only one with a job. I'm annoyed with myself that I couldn't make a bigger effort on her behalf in Oz because I'm beginning to realise now that there is a chance that she may end up feeling about the UK the same way I felt about Oz (although she's be too polite to say), and that's not a nice place to be emotionally.
I'd say it was guilt, but I'm not Catholic.
) for me.Now I wasn't happy in Oz and she knew that and has made a big decision to come here.
I'm not sure what I'm trying to say as I've had my 10th sleepness night (partly due to this and partly because the kids that live above us are sick and there is much noise in the night
) BUT I think that Mrs T and I have been together with just her and I without family for so long that she has become my 'country' now. (if that makes sense?).The 'thing' that isn't right is that I'm struggling with the selfishness of us both being here and I'm the only one with a job. I'm annoyed with myself that I couldn't make a bigger effort on her behalf in Oz because I'm beginning to realise now that there is a chance that she may end up feeling about the UK the same way I felt about Oz (although she's be too polite to say), and that's not a nice place to be emotionally.
I'd say it was guilt, but I'm not Catholic.
Oh no, I have followed your story and am sorry to hear you are feeling like this!! Don't you think it is a bit early to determine whether Mrs T will dislike the UK? I know you guys only moved due to your dislike of Oz, but surely Mrs T did it because she loves you and wants to be with you no matter where that is in the world.
You are kind of living my nightmare, I am a kiwi living in London with my British husband (and daughter) and am desperate to go home to NZ....my biggest fear is my husband not settling or becoming unhappy. I am generally happy here but I get very low points when I just want to jump on a plane and go home to my family and familiarity.
Like you say you have been each other's support for so long, that means you will get through the bumpy settling in period in the UK.
I think you should stop feeling "guilty", I think you are missing Mrs T
sounds like you are in a bit of limbo at the moment. Maybe when she returns you will start to both settle in a bit more.Waffling now and not sure any of it makes sense but I hope you start to feel 100% soon.
Jun 7th 2010, 11:46 am
#18
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Joined: May 2007
Location: England
Posts: 4,213
Re: 4mth update
Not sure which bit this should be in so feel free to move it Mods. 
Been back for about 4mths now so thought I’d fire in a bit of an update with how things are etc.
So, I arrived in mid Feb, followed Mrs T in mid March. Weather was cold but bright (ish) and all in all I reckon I’ve seen many more blue sky days that rubbish ones. But I am amazed at how quickly the temp can vary from one day to the next, although we seem to have settled into Spring/Summer ‘proper’ now. Lovely day today.
I knew it wouldn’t be easy getting the right role for the right money, even with 15yrs experience at a senior (ish) level and it hasn’t been but having said that, I’ve been pretty fussy. I was offered a role in Surrey and we’ve moved into a nice little market town which is very pretty.
Bought a car, but alas, not the A3 I was after as Mrs T has confessed she’s too scared to drive a manual again after not having done it since she lived in Korea (15yrs ago!), we had to go for a 2.0ltr auto Ford Focus Titanium, but we got a got a good deal (and no pesky rip off ‘transfer fee as per NSW
).
Riding in the UK has been great as I knew it would be, the car drivers are way more courteous than in Oz and the scenery is stunning (and sometimes wet!). I’ve found food prices to be very good compared to Oz and the quality is better (but we already knew that would be the case). Things like insurances are much cheaper as well. Utilities are much cheaper and broadband and phone packages are laughingly cheap (I get unlimited up and download and unlimited calls to landlines for GBP24 per mth). I have found one thing that is outrageously expensive here, and although the result is better than in Oz it’s still not worth the extra and that is dry cleaning.
I work in Guildford and have found the traffic pretty good when it comes to commuting and nowhere near the horror that the locals describe it as, but I guess it’s all relative. I get to work in about 15 mins over 4-5miles.
Unfortunately Mrs T has had trouble finding work but in a roundabout way it’s worked out for the best as unfortunately her Dad is not so well and due to move into a Veteran’s Village in Seoul, so she’s been over there for about 10 days and will be for another 3 weeks or so.
It’s been great being back and I’m looking forward to my two big triathlons in June and August at the Lake District and Nottingham and it’s great running in the Surrey countryside.
I was a member of a four man team at a running race in Gerrard's Cross that took out the prize for the fastest corporate team (my sister's company
).
I have a good job (pay is about the same but living in a quieter area), and am enjoying my training and being home, so, apart from Mrs T not having work (and the fact that I had to move into our new flat on my own!) it looks like all is well right?
Well not really. I don’t know what it is, but something just doesn’t feel right about this whole gig. I don’t feel like I thought I would and I’m not sure why. I don’t know if it’s because Mrs T isn’t here or is having trouble getting a job, or if it’s because in Sydney her career was just about to take off after doing so well in her degree and now here, she may have to take a step down and I’m feeling guilty about that?
Something else I have underestimated is what a fine set of scales the ‘neutral country’ makes. I couldn’t stand Oz and nothing has changed there, but I am aware of how much we relied on each other and what a neat little ‘unit’ we were. To be fair that may still happen here as Mrs T hasn’t been in this flat with me at all so we haven’t lived as our little 'unit' in the UK yet.
But something isn’t right. Britain is all I would thought it would be and more, but there’s something missing. I’m not really connecting with the place, and while it’s a lovely place to be, it doesn’t feel like ‘my’ home. I’m not talking about immigrants or anything like that. I just can’t shake that feeling I get of ‘this’ll do for a while’.
Maybe I’ve just moved around too much for anywhere to be home now? I have no idea why I’m typing this, but it is how I feel. There is definitely something that Britain is not providing and at the same time there’s absolutely nothing I miss about Oz. But there was a ‘lightness’ to our life before, despite Mrs T being buried in study and me banged in hospital and always traveling for work or races that isn’t happening here. Maybe it’s because only one of us sorted? Maybe it's because my family is here? I’m not sure really.
Anyway, compared to what lots on here have to endure I’m sure I’m just being ‘weird’ (it happens a lot LOL).
Been back for about 4mths now so thought I’d fire in a bit of an update with how things are etc.
So, I arrived in mid Feb, followed Mrs T in mid March. Weather was cold but bright (ish) and all in all I reckon I’ve seen many more blue sky days that rubbish ones. But I am amazed at how quickly the temp can vary from one day to the next, although we seem to have settled into Spring/Summer ‘proper’ now. Lovely day today.
I knew it wouldn’t be easy getting the right role for the right money, even with 15yrs experience at a senior (ish) level and it hasn’t been but having said that, I’ve been pretty fussy. I was offered a role in Surrey and we’ve moved into a nice little market town which is very pretty.
Bought a car, but alas, not the A3 I was after as Mrs T has confessed she’s too scared to drive a manual again after not having done it since she lived in Korea (15yrs ago!), we had to go for a 2.0ltr auto Ford Focus Titanium, but we got a got a good deal (and no pesky rip off ‘transfer fee as per NSW
).Riding in the UK has been great as I knew it would be, the car drivers are way more courteous than in Oz and the scenery is stunning (and sometimes wet!). I’ve found food prices to be very good compared to Oz and the quality is better (but we already knew that would be the case). Things like insurances are much cheaper as well. Utilities are much cheaper and broadband and phone packages are laughingly cheap (I get unlimited up and download and unlimited calls to landlines for GBP24 per mth). I have found one thing that is outrageously expensive here, and although the result is better than in Oz it’s still not worth the extra and that is dry cleaning.
I work in Guildford and have found the traffic pretty good when it comes to commuting and nowhere near the horror that the locals describe it as, but I guess it’s all relative. I get to work in about 15 mins over 4-5miles.
Unfortunately Mrs T has had trouble finding work but in a roundabout way it’s worked out for the best as unfortunately her Dad is not so well and due to move into a Veteran’s Village in Seoul, so she’s been over there for about 10 days and will be for another 3 weeks or so.
It’s been great being back and I’m looking forward to my two big triathlons in June and August at the Lake District and Nottingham and it’s great running in the Surrey countryside.
I was a member of a four man team at a running race in Gerrard's Cross that took out the prize for the fastest corporate team (my sister's company
).I have a good job (pay is about the same but living in a quieter area), and am enjoying my training and being home, so, apart from Mrs T not having work (and the fact that I had to move into our new flat on my own!) it looks like all is well right?
Well not really. I don’t know what it is, but something just doesn’t feel right about this whole gig. I don’t feel like I thought I would and I’m not sure why. I don’t know if it’s because Mrs T isn’t here or is having trouble getting a job, or if it’s because in Sydney her career was just about to take off after doing so well in her degree and now here, she may have to take a step down and I’m feeling guilty about that?
Something else I have underestimated is what a fine set of scales the ‘neutral country’ makes. I couldn’t stand Oz and nothing has changed there, but I am aware of how much we relied on each other and what a neat little ‘unit’ we were. To be fair that may still happen here as Mrs T hasn’t been in this flat with me at all so we haven’t lived as our little 'unit' in the UK yet.
But something isn’t right. Britain is all I would thought it would be and more, but there’s something missing. I’m not really connecting with the place, and while it’s a lovely place to be, it doesn’t feel like ‘my’ home. I’m not talking about immigrants or anything like that. I just can’t shake that feeling I get of ‘this’ll do for a while’.
Maybe I’ve just moved around too much for anywhere to be home now? I have no idea why I’m typing this, but it is how I feel. There is definitely something that Britain is not providing and at the same time there’s absolutely nothing I miss about Oz. But there was a ‘lightness’ to our life before, despite Mrs T being buried in study and me banged in hospital and always traveling for work or races that isn’t happening here. Maybe it’s because only one of us sorted? Maybe it's because my family is here? I’m not sure really.
Anyway, compared to what lots on here have to endure I’m sure I’m just being ‘weird’ (it happens a lot LOL).
Jun 7th 2010, 6:55 pm
#19
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Thread Starter
Joined: Jul 2008
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Re: 4mth update
Thanks all.
It's hard to say what's going on really. Had a stinking migraine at work and ended up driving the porcelain bus
Mum and Dad rang and tried to be helpful (and we all know where that leads! ).
I guess it'll sort itself out.
It's hard to say what's going on really. Had a stinking migraine at work and ended up driving the porcelain bus
Mum and Dad rang and tried to be helpful (and we all know where that leads! ). I guess it'll sort itself out.
Jun 7th 2010, 7:06 pm
#20
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Joined: Sep 2007
Location: Southwestern Illinois, USA
Posts: 1,902
Re: 4mth update
I am really looking forward to hearing what you have to say in the next few months/year to see if anything has changed. Good luck to you and your wife. I am sending good vibes your way
Jun 7th 2010, 9:45 pm
#21
Just Joined
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 26
Re: 4mth update
Hello Triboy,
There's a multitude of difficulties I think expats face when returning home, add to that a husband, wife or partner that hasn't lived in the UK and it can be even harder.
One of the reasons expats want to go home, is the thought that it will be better, be it family, friends, social culture, countryside, weather, etc. However, the reality is whereever you are, life has some struggle attached to it. Maybe it's this contradiction that you are feeling. The sense that your 'home', but it's not plain sailing.
As I get older, I'm beginning to think that looking back never really helps. You've made the decision and now you have to try and work with it. I think that at the moment though, you might just be lonely and that weird feeling of anonimity, that an expat can feel in their home country.
Also remember you have moved country. It'll take time to settle in and being away from loved ones is always hard no matter the situation.
I read your posts with great interest as I may find myself in a similar situation in a few months, with my wife and I moving to the UK. Me as a returning UK citizen and my wife as someone who has never lived there before.
BTW, I could be all wrong on the above it's just some of my thoughts and I hope that they aren't patronizing or insulting.
Good luck and I hope it all works out.
There's a multitude of difficulties I think expats face when returning home, add to that a husband, wife or partner that hasn't lived in the UK and it can be even harder.
One of the reasons expats want to go home, is the thought that it will be better, be it family, friends, social culture, countryside, weather, etc. However, the reality is whereever you are, life has some struggle attached to it. Maybe it's this contradiction that you are feeling. The sense that your 'home', but it's not plain sailing.
As I get older, I'm beginning to think that looking back never really helps. You've made the decision and now you have to try and work with it. I think that at the moment though, you might just be lonely and that weird feeling of anonimity, that an expat can feel in their home country.
Also remember you have moved country. It'll take time to settle in and being away from loved ones is always hard no matter the situation.
I read your posts with great interest as I may find myself in a similar situation in a few months, with my wife and I moving to the UK. Me as a returning UK citizen and my wife as someone who has never lived there before.
BTW, I could be all wrong on the above it's just some of my thoughts and I hope that they aren't patronizing or insulting.
Good luck and I hope it all works out.
Jun 8th 2010, 12:30 am
#22
Forum Regular
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 181
Re: 4mth update
HI Triboy
I too have been following your story since I joined the forum.
As a kiwi who is desparate to move back to the UK, and dragging a scottish hubby and kids along with her this is something I to think about.
I too, know what you are feeling due to the selfish nature (at least it feels that way) of taking your OH to a country.
My OH loves NZ and would stay here if able. But he also loves his homeland as well.
But I love the UK. Nothing against my home country but it isn't for me in this time of my life.
I never imagined when I left NZ ten years ago to go to the UK that I would never want to leave it again. I thought that I would be so happy to come back to NZ.
It surprised me, when we did finally move to NZ almost 4 years ago how much I had changed and how much NZ isn't the place for me.
I think what I am trying to say (and sorry for rambling on this) that please allow Mrs T to make up her own mind.
Just enjoy being in the UK with her, and enjoy showing her the bits that she loves.
You might be right in that she does wnat to move back to Australia but then again you might not.
Show her the country that you love and why you love it and give her the opportunity to fall in love with it as well.
I think that the reason taht I feel so at home in Scotland is that I put down roots there. Had children across there and made good friends in a great village community there. I had a chance to settle and to explore and appreciate all that was on offer.
if I had been like many other kiwis young folk who get their two year work visa and had just done that then maybe it would be a different story.
I too have been following your story since I joined the forum.
As a kiwi who is desparate to move back to the UK, and dragging a scottish hubby and kids along with her this is something I to think about.
I too, know what you are feeling due to the selfish nature (at least it feels that way) of taking your OH to a country.
My OH loves NZ and would stay here if able. But he also loves his homeland as well.
But I love the UK. Nothing against my home country but it isn't for me in this time of my life.
I never imagined when I left NZ ten years ago to go to the UK that I would never want to leave it again. I thought that I would be so happy to come back to NZ.
It surprised me, when we did finally move to NZ almost 4 years ago how much I had changed and how much NZ isn't the place for me.
I think what I am trying to say (and sorry for rambling on this) that please allow Mrs T to make up her own mind.
Just enjoy being in the UK with her, and enjoy showing her the bits that she loves.
You might be right in that she does wnat to move back to Australia but then again you might not.
Show her the country that you love and why you love it and give her the opportunity to fall in love with it as well.
I think that the reason taht I feel so at home in Scotland is that I put down roots there. Had children across there and made good friends in a great village community there. I had a chance to settle and to explore and appreciate all that was on offer.
if I had been like many other kiwis young folk who get their two year work visa and had just done that then maybe it would be a different story.
Jun 8th 2010, 7:48 pm
#23
Account Closed
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 10,784
Re: 4mth update
Sorry to hear you are a bit unsettled..... Give it a bit time, it seems that most things are in place to let you guys have a great life, try not to focus on these feelings and see how you go? I'm sure you will settle given a bit of time!
Good luck!
Good luck!
Jun 9th 2010, 12:30 am
#24
Lost in BE Cyberspace
Joined: Jul 2006
Location: Cochrane, Alberta
Posts: 7,861
Re: 4mth update
I'd just like to say thank you for being so honest and so eloquent in describing how it all feels right now - it is a very interesting topic that I am sure most people on here will identify with - no matter which way they are travelling in the immigration trail, or which country they end up in. 
My hearty best wishes to you both over the coming months - I think you'll figure something out soon.
My hearty best wishes to you both over the coming months - I think you'll figure something out soon.
Jun 9th 2010, 9:38 am
#25
Forum Regular
Joined: May 2005
Location: London via Melbourne via Sydney via Toronto
Posts: 59
Re: 4mth update
I have been living in OZ for almost 4 years this September. In 2006 we landed in Melbourne and I knew 2 weeks in it wasn't a place for me. We moved to Sydney and we spent two years there. I was quite successful with work, however my wife never really felt settled.
In 2009 we decided to move back to Melbourne to give it a try again since now I knew more about Australia, however that feeling came back by Christmas 2009 and I then knew Melbourne wasn't for me.
We have been having heated discussions lately since I know deep down she is not keen to move back to the UK. I have been ok with that and even suggested that I move there and she stay in Australia.
So now I have left the decision to her since she has always just wanted to be in Melbourne..
For me I love Oz however I now know its time for a new challenge...
Things change when your an expat and what you wanted for so long can sometimes not be all that they are cracked up to be.
Give it time and enjoy life, things will work themselves out the way they are meant to...
In 2009 we decided to move back to Melbourne to give it a try again since now I knew more about Australia, however that feeling came back by Christmas 2009 and I then knew Melbourne wasn't for me.
We have been having heated discussions lately since I know deep down she is not keen to move back to the UK. I have been ok with that and even suggested that I move there and she stay in Australia.
So now I have left the decision to her since she has always just wanted to be in Melbourne..
For me I love Oz however I now know its time for a new challenge...
Things change when your an expat and what you wanted for so long can sometimes not be all that they are cracked up to be.
Give it time and enjoy life, things will work themselves out the way they are meant to...
Jun 9th 2010, 10:19 am
#26
Forum Regular
Joined: Mar 2007
Location: Queensland
Posts: 281
Re: 4mth update
Not that it helps much, but had a long discussion with a client of mine this week, she is originally from queensland and currently lives in london. She feels the same as a lot of us we love where we live but not sure it's where we belong. However having travelled loads as youngsters we feel displaced. We travel back to see freinds and family but don't feel we belong there but equally don't feel we belong where we call home.
I guess it is the curse of the expat, as a child we travelled a lot and i have nover felt settled in one place. I love where i live now surf most mornings and run along the beach but will a traveller ever feel they belong Not sure!!!!!
Good luck with it all and don't be too hard on yourself.
Jane
I guess it is the curse of the expat, as a child we travelled a lot and i have nover felt settled in one place. I love where i live now surf most mornings and run along the beach but will a traveller ever feel they belong Not sure!!!!!
Good luck with it all and don't be too hard on yourself.
Jane
Jun 9th 2010, 6:59 pm
#27
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Re: 4mth update
Thanks all, I appreciate your thoughts and wishes.
Jun 11th 2010, 11:25 am
#28
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Location: Brisbane
Posts: 4,298
Re: 4mth update
Well not really. I don’t know what it is, but something just doesn’t feel right about this whole gig. I don’t feel like I thought I would and I’m not sure why. I don’t know if it’s because Mrs T isn’t here or is having trouble getting a job, or if it’s because in Sydney her career was just about to take off after doing so well in her degree and now here, she may have to take a step down and I’m feeling guilty about that?
a) Things are going well for you, but for your mrs things could do with a slight improvement. You are aware of this and it is creating some kind of imbalance/guilt/vulnerability.
b) maybe also there is just a little bit of the curse of the expat, no place will feel like home.
edit - ok I should have read the rest of the thread first.
The 'thing' that isn't right is that I'm struggling with the selfishness of us both being here and I'm the only one with a job. I'm annoyed with myself that I couldn't make a bigger effort on her behalf in Oz because I'm beginning to realise now that there is a chance that she may end up feeling about the UK the same way I felt about Oz (although she's be too polite to say), and that's not a nice place to be emotionally.
I'd say it was guilt, but I'm not Catholic.
I'd say it was guilt, but I'm not Catholic.
I guess that what I'm trying to say, is that your mrs will have moved over to the UK for similar reasons - she may have been happy in Sydney, and a little apprehensive about a move to the UK, but she would have been prepared to go for it, because the relationship is the important thing. She might settle in straight away, get lucky with jobs, or she might have a little bit more of a tough time. But still she will make a go of it because of the relationship. She probably won't have moved over here expecting to land on her feet, instead she would probably have expected a little bit of a tough time.
Given that you're doing well in your life, you really need to use that to your advantage, to support her, instead of feeling guilty about it.. though I don't know how you can go about doing this.
One other thing, harking back to my move again. My mrs had already lived in the uk for several years and we agreed that if I didn't settle in Aus, we would head back to the uk and live together. The move to Aus was a little daunting, but knowing that the relationship would survive, whether we stayed in Aus or not, was worth a lot to me and I think it made the move much easier. I did not feel any sense of pressure to try and enjoy my new life, or to try and fit in.
I think that if you have two people in a relationship, and both are generally pretty flexible about other's needs, then you've got no worries. Sounds like you and your mrs are both pretty flexible, so perhaps you are feeling guilty about nothing.
best of luck.
Last edited by asprilla; Jun 11th 2010 at 11:45 am. Reason: just read other post.
Jun 11th 2010, 4:13 pm
#29
Just Joined
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 18
Re: 4mth update
4 months.....give it a year.
