10 Days back

Old Jun 19th 2023, 4:39 pm
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Post 10 Days back

And it's difficult. Just trying to remind myself that it's very early days yet. We are staying with my dad currently, which is less than ideal. It's very kind of him to put us up but we are both struggling with being here. It's quite cramped, noisy and in my home town which is a depressing place at the best of times. Bless him, he thinks we can just put our feet up and relax a bit.
People in the post office and various other places have been extremely helpful in helping us to get sorted with driving licences etc. So that has been a plus. We have just bought a car today, so another tick.
Our banks here and in NZ have been difficult. No-one seems to know what they are doing, so we get a different response to the same question everytime with Westpac.
The NZD decided to tank against the £ the day we left NZ, so that hasn't been great!!!

I'm trying to keep in focus, why we left NZ and that we have achieved a fair amount in a week.
Unfortunately, my mental health is shot to pieces and I now have a full blown panic disorder! Thankfully a friend has offered us a room at her lovely cottage for 3 nights to give us some respite. She is a bundle of fun but is also very supportive and knowledgeable about mental health. Hopefully this will help us both to feel better and chill a bit.
We move to an Airbnb in Derbyshire for 4 weeks at the weekend. That is our preferred location to live. OH is speaking to contacts about work, so fingers crossed that that will yield something in the near future.
I can't wait for us to be able to find a home of our own and put down roots properly. I hate this feeling of being in limbo.

Still very early days, did anyone else feel similar?
We definitely feel like foreigners here for the moment, which is to be expected I guess.
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Old Jun 21st 2023, 10:45 am
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Default Re: 10 Days back

You're doings many high stress activities at the same time - moving to a different country, into a different property, living with other people (even if family), change in work status, etc. - so it's be surprising if you weren't on an emotional rollercoaster. I recall reading about culture shock when moving overseas for the first time, and it's remains true for every subsequent move, including back home. You really can't judge it this quickly; getting settled will help a lot - moving to your own place, you and/or partner getting a job to establish a routine and bring in an income, etc. Meanwhile, you're making progress in becoming established (car, moving to Airbnb, job hunting, and so on).
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Old Jun 21st 2023, 11:12 am
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Default Re: 10 Days back

Would agree with tdrinker and you can't expect to manage what you achieved in 15 years to happen in 10 days. The worst part is probably the house sharing, but just look forward to the positive finding your own place. I suppose once an Expat you will always feel like a foreigner in a way.
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Old Jun 21st 2023, 12:43 pm
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Default Re: 10 Days back

Originally Posted by Chocolate eclair
And it's difficult. Just trying to remind myself that it's very early days yet. We are staying with my dad currently, which is less than ideal. It's very kind of him to put us up but we are both struggling with being here. It's quite cramped, noisy and in my home town which is a depressing place at the best of times. Bless him, he thinks we can just put our feet up and relax a bit.
People in the post office and various other places have been extremely helpful in helping us to get sorted with driving licences etc. So that has been a plus. We have just bought a car today, so another tick.
Our banks here and in NZ have been difficult. No-one seems to know what they are doing, so we get a different response to the same question everytime with Westpac.
The NZD decided to tank against the £ the day we left NZ, so that hasn't been great!!!

I'm trying to keep in focus, why we left NZ and that we have achieved a fair amount in a week.
Unfortunately, my mental health is shot to pieces and I now have a full blown panic disorder! Thankfully a friend has offered us a room at her lovely cottage for 3 nights to give us some respite. She is a bundle of fun but is also very supportive and knowledgeable about mental health. Hopefully this will help us both to feel better and chill a bit.
We move to an Airbnb in Derbyshire for 4 weeks at the weekend. That is our preferred location to live. OH is speaking to contacts about work, so fingers crossed that that will yield something in the near future.
I can't wait for us to be able to find a home of our own and put down roots properly. I hate this feeling of being in limbo.

Still very early days, did anyone else feel similar?
We definitely feel like foreigners here for the moment, which is to be expected I guess.
Hang in there! Just keep reminding yourself of the reasons you came back and keep reminding yourself that you are Home, even though it feels strange, you aren't foreigners.
I couldn't wait to get home, but even I ended up making a list in my phone of the reasons I came back, and another of the things I missed from Aus - that one was very short and just said "some friends"& "thunderstorms"!!! Every time I had a wobble I would re-read the list of reasons why I came back.
You should feel a bit better once in a place on your own, especially if its in the area you want to live in, as then you can start building a new life gradually. It'll then be one step better still once you have your own rental or purchased home.
Even in the Airbnb though make sure you put your own stuff around, so it starts to look like its your home. That helped me in the first days in Aus, and also once I got back here.
I actually picked up this year's Aussie flu from the people behind me on the flight, and that wrote off pretty much the first four weeks of being here. I had about 6 good days, then wham, sicker than I've been for years - far worse than covid, just floored me Even though deep down I was loving being back, everything was a real effort with zero energy, and I spent hours crying and wishing I'd never come cos I couldn't see the way forward. I didn't want to go back but couldn't see how it could work being here either. If I'm honest, it took me about 7 weeks to really feel that I was Home and that it was starting to work, though I haven't admitted it until now. I've got almost all my shipped stuff unpacked now, and I know that has really helped a lot.
You mentioned you have a good friend who has helped you out, trust me this is the time you need them. I don't think I'd have got through the first 2 months without my best mate to keep reminding me that I could make it & be happy. So talk to your friend, and talk it through with your OH, and once you're in Derbyshire make sure you relax and enjoy life, in between doing the practical stuff thats needed to rebuild your lives here.

You'll make it, just hang in there
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Old Jun 21st 2023, 1:01 pm
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Default Re: 10 Days back

Hello how was the move to Derbyshire ? All good I hope.

You now feel like you have your own space and also some autonomy now you've got a car.

When my husband and I came back to Britain from NZ in November 2016 after living there since February 2011 we stayed at a hotel near a relative for a few days just to recover from flying long haul. We would be at their house for lunch and tea then get returned to our hotel later in the evening. (We were and still are genuinely grateful for this. Regardless of any recent unrelated friction.) This was before we travelled to the midlands to book into a hotel and look for somewhere to rent long term. Somewhere fully furnished in Walsall initially then, on account of my husband's interim job offer, moving to Droitwich in time for our ships container full of our furniture to arrive.

Nothing really feels familiar to you presently. Even staying with your Dad doesn't feel that comfortable as you've said. He thinks you could chill for a bit. Um, no, it's not your house or home.

I did feel a bit out of sorts because there was no real routine. However, I was/still am confident that we had done the right thing in coming home. We just needed to.....(insert huge list.) I remember shopping in the Argos in Birmingham and putting our purchases in the boot of our rented car because there was no point taking our get-you-by household goods back to the hotel !

Everything feels like hard work. Not helped by your NZ and UK banks not playing ball.

Little by little things will continue to fall into place and you will feel more confident. It's jarring not to have all your 'worldly possessions' around you. You look back on your NZ life and think it was easy compared to this !! Or at least, not as hard or jarring !

Waking up in Britain meant the world to me.
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Old Jul 5th 2023, 9:45 am
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Default Re: 10 Days back

Originally Posted by Chocolate eclair
And it's difficult. Just trying to remind myself that it's very early days yet. We are staying with my dad currently, which is less than ideal. It's very kind of him to put us up but we are both struggling with being here. It's quite cramped, noisy and in my home town which is a depressing place at the best of times. Bless him, he thinks we can just put our feet up and relax a bit.
People in the post office and various other places have been extremely helpful in helping us to get sorted with driving licences etc. So that has been a plus. We have just bought a car today, so another tick.
Our banks here and in NZ have been difficult. No-one seems to know what they are doing, so we get adifferent response to the same question everytime with Westpac.
The NZD decided to tank against the £ the day we left NZ, so that hasn't been great!!!

I'm trying to keep in focus, why we left NZ and that we have achieved a fair amount in a week.
Unfortunately, my mental health is shot to pieces and I now have a full blown panic disorder! Thankfully a friend has offered us a room at her lovely cottage for 3 nights to give us some respite. She is a bundle of fun but is also very supportive and knowledgeable about mental health. Hopefully this will help us both to feel better and chill a bit.
We move to an Airbnb in Derbyshire for 4 weeks at the weekend. That is our preferred location to live. OH is speaking to contacts about work, so fingers crossed that that will yield something in the near future.
I can't wait for us to be able to find a home of our own and put down roots properly. I hate this feeling of being in limbo.

Still very early days, did anyone else feel similar?
We definitely feel like foreigners here for the moment, which is to be expected I guess.
Oh yes I certainly did but I knew it was only the current situation that made me feel like that, we were staying at my dads (loved him to bits)] we certainly knew we did not want to return to the same area so everyday “out and about” use to make me feel a bit “panicky” as it felt like I had never had the adventure of travelling and living oversea and it had “changed” me in small ways but I just “got on” with it, I hired a car to look for a car to buy and that’s when our journey really began, we were tied to being a travel into Manchester as our eldest had a Uni place there so we looked for areas with good connections but as far away as possible from what we knew, when we chose the area we then started looking for rentals, we live in the Peak District and we have been very happy, it was a new area for us and great for exploring and far enough away from our families (sounds bad but we also realised we did not want to live in each other’s pockets) but we can visit visa Versa by driving a fair distance, we have not looked back so since our move, we have explored area etc we had never been to before and treated the UK as we have other countries we have visited, good luck

Last edited by Jerseygirl; Jul 5th 2023 at 10:56 am. Reason: Fixed quote
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Old Jul 5th 2023, 3:52 pm
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Default Re: 10 Days back

Many thanks to you all for your good wishes and sharing your experiences. We have been at the Airbnb for just over a week now. Much better than being at my dad's and in a quiet location.....perhaps a bit too quiet.
OH is working towards getting work. Rentals are proving difficult to find. We have decided that the area we are in isn't right for us. So we are looking more south Derbyshire and areas around Uttoxeter.
The main issue hampering everything is my worsening anxiety. Everything makes me feel "panicky" and I'm struggling to eat anything at all now, I've even gone off tea!!!!!. We have registered with a GP here, so I'm getting some support. Doesn't feel like enough though.
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Old Jul 6th 2023, 4:08 pm
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Default Re: 10 Days back

Getting into the routine of taking a daily walk, especially if you can get into the countryside, could help. Are there any local "newcomer" groups you can join, e.g. in the local library or church where you can meet people for a cup of tea, slice of cake and a chat?

I found it difficult to find a rental property, although some posters found it easy. Airbnb's are a good temporary solution but aren't for the long-term. Finding a rental will give you security and reduce stress, and it might be worth taking anywhere acceptable as you can upgrade later. The longer I searched the more compromises I was prepared to make (location and accommodation), and had to compromise on both to find somewhere. But despite this, it still gives a sense of security that an Airbnb doesn't.

It's a lot easier to say than do, but hang in there as it's very early days. Remind yourself that you're making progress, e.g. moving out of Dad's house into your own space (be sure to celebrate your successes), and that it's normal to have doubts and ups and downs.
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Old Sep 6th 2023, 12:51 pm
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Default Re: 10 Days back

2 months on from your last post. I hope things are progressing well for you, I can only imagine how tough it is.

In 2017 our son moved from the US and we put him up until he got a job and his own place to live, the same with our daughter last year. In both cases they were desperate to get out from under our feet, so it's only natural that you had similar feelings while living with your Dad.
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Old Sep 18th 2023, 9:12 am
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Default Re: 10 Days back

Sorry that I'm only just replying to this. We have been in our rental for about 3 weeks now. We are in a nice village in South Derbyshire and the neighbours are friendly and helpful. So that's good. The house isn't ideal, it's on 3 floors and it's just off a main road (noisy) but it's reasonably well maintained and cleaner than some other rentals we looked at. We've also got our own things around us now which is good. So a lot of positives.
I'm still not settled properly yet. I don't adapt to change easily and we've had a lot of change recently. I'm trying not to stress too much about it but of course my anxiety kicks in at times.
OH has irons in the fire for work and hopefully something concrete coming soon. It's been frustrating as companies want to speak to him but then so and so is on holiday or off sick. Now it's September, hopefully something will happen soon.
Been back to dad's once to collect the other suitcase of clothes etc each. We only stayed one night because I couldn't face anymore than that. Dad is a lovely man but he doesn't get my illness. He can't understand why we don't stay with him why we look for a permanent home and save on rental costs! If the house was a different configuration and we could have our own space then it might have been a possibility. However, we only had a bedroom and then the rest of the house is all shared. Also, the house triggers some painful memories for me. I know dad is lonely since mum died and he likes to have us around. I feel bad about that. Ultimately, we have to live our lives and do what is right for us.
Mostly though, we aren't young adults anymore and we need our own space. It's 39 years since we first met this month!
My main priority is getting me well now. I've made some progress forward but I have some very bad days. At least we have finally been registered with a GP practice locally, I was sad to leave the surgery we registered with whilst in the Airbnb, because they were very helpful and efficient. See how we go with this one.


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Old Sep 18th 2023, 12:07 pm
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Default Re: 10 Days back

Thanks for your latest update, it sounds like things are progressing somewhat slowly but at least it is progress. I hope the new GP practice works out and you can improve your health.
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Old Oct 1st 2023, 8:46 am
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Default Re: 10 Days back

Originally Posted by Chocolate eclair
And it's difficult. Just trying to remind myself that it's very early days yet. We are staying with my dad currently, which is less than ideal. It's very kind of him to put us up but we are both struggling with being here. It's quite cramped, noisy and in my home town which is a depressing place at the best of times. Bless him, he thinks we can just put our feet up and relax a bit.
People in the post office and various other places have been extremely helpful in helping us to get sorted with driving licences etc. So that has been a plus. We have just bought a car today, so another tick.
Our banks here and in NZ have been difficult. No-one seems to know what they are doing, so we get a different response to the same question everytime with Westpac.
The NZD decided to tank against the £ the day we left NZ, so that hasn't been great!!!

I'm trying to keep in focus, why we left NZ and that we have achieved a fair amount in a week.
Unfortunately, my mental health is shot to pieces and I now have a full blown panic disorder! Thankfully a friend has offered us a room at her lovely cottage for 3 nights to give us some respite. She is a bundle of fun but is also very supportive and knowledgeable about mental health. Hopefully this will help us both to feel better and chill a bit.
We move to an Airbnb in Derbyshire for 4 weeks at the weekend. That is our preferred location to live. OH is speaking to contacts about work, so fingers crossed that that will yield something in the near future.
I can't wait for us to be able to find a home of our own and put down roots properly. I hate this feeling of being in limbo.

Still very early days, did anyone else feel similar?
We definitely feel like foreigners here for the moment, which is to be expected I guess.
I remember thinking “should I stop our shipment from Aus” and that was only after two days, now I knew it was nothing to do with being in England, it was just the thought of everything I had to organise etc etc, I use to over think things which did make matters seem much worse than they actually were, I decided to give myself a couple of weeks to go exploring and try and enjoy myself (along with our sons….my husband had stayed in Aus and I finish a contract) I do think a “lot of us” moving “two and fro” realise the stress we can out ourselves under, so try and take a breather and try and “do” the jobs needed on the day. Time is all you need in a few more weeks from now you will be wondering why you felt like you did. Good luck and take care of yourself
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Old Oct 25th 2023, 4:10 pm
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Default Re: 10 Days back

Originally Posted by brits1
I remember thinking “should I stop our shipment from Aus” and that was only after two days, now I knew it was nothing to do with being in England, it was just the thought of everything I had to organise etc etc, I use to over think things which did make matters seem much worse than they actually were, I decided to give myself a couple of weeks to go exploring and try and enjoy myself (along with our sons….my husband had stayed in Aus and I finish a contract) I do think a “lot of us” moving “two and fro” realise the stress we can out ourselves under, so try and take a breather and try and “do” the jobs needed on the day. Time is all you need in a few more weeks from now you will be wondering why you felt like you did. Good luck and take care of yourself
Thanks brits1. I am taking each day as it comes. Our new GP seems to be okay, so that is a relief. I have a mental health support worker who visits once a week. Yesterday we tried a Tai Chi class in the local village hall. It seems a friendly group, although they are all older than me by quite a bit. However, it's a start. Part of my illness is due to the tablets my GP prescribed in NZ and then kept on prescribing. I have tolerance withdrawal side effects because of them. So my anxiety is much worse than it would've been had I never been prescribed them inappropriately. Ho hum! I have found a great support charity who are working with me and my GP to taper these drugs. It will take at least 8 months but at least I'm on the road to recovery.

The OH finally started work on Monday after months of palaver, so that's great news. It will be good to have some finances coming in at last. It will take me a little while to adapt to him going out and being on my own everyday.
I think we have come to the conclusion that Derbyshire isn't for us. However we aren't sure where we do want to be. We both can't wait to have our own home. I can't settle in a rental, as I want to be able to put pictures up and just make a place our safe place. Our landlord is good but obviously doesn't want to spend much money on updating the place. The gutters are desperate for cleaning out and should've been done before we moved in but we are still waiting for them to be sorted out. Not a good situation with all the rain we've had.
Hopefully I will be able to do more and stress less as I come off the medication. Maybe in the New Year I'll be upto finding some work.
Occasionally I think that we should've stayed in NZ but I know that's me remembering the good stuff and looking back with rose-tinted specs on. It's the right choice to be back here overall. Nowhere is utopia and I'll eventually settle down and get my happy back!
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Old Oct 25th 2023, 6:50 pm
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Default Re: 10 Days back

I understand where you're coming from with the rented accommodation, but it's serving its purpose for now. It's giving you your own space after living with your Dad and more security than the Airbnb, and is allowing you to experience living in Derbyshire without making a commitment - you've decided it's not for you, and this would be a bigger issue had you bought a house rather than rented one. Your landlord sounds a bit short-sighted in not wanting to spend on updating the property or stay on top of maintenance, but unfortunately the current supply / demand imbalance means landlords don't have to try very hard.

OH starting work is a big step forward and not to underestimated, and you're making progress with the mental health and whilst it will take a while you can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Would getting a pet help so you're not home alone when OH is working (subject to landlord's approval)?

It's normal to look back with rose tinted glasses, and you may do so more in the depths of winter (I know I will), but it's all coming together back home.
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Old Oct 25th 2023, 7:23 pm
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Default Re: 10 Days back

Originally Posted by tdrinker
I understand where you're coming from with the rented accommodation, but it's serving its purpose for now. It's giving you your own space after living with your Dad and more security than the Airbnb, and is allowing you to experience living in Derbyshire without making a commitment - you've decided it's not for you, and this would be a bigger issue had you bought a house rather than rented one. Your landlord sounds a bit short-sighted in not wanting to spend on updating the property or stay on top of maintenance, but unfortunately the current supply / demand imbalance means landlords don't have to try very hard.

OH starting work is a big step forward and not to underestimated, and you're making progress with the mental health and whilst it will take a while you can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Would getting a pet help so you're not home alone when OH is working (subject to landlord's approval)?

It's normal to look back with rose tinted glasses, and you may do so more in the depths of winter (I know I will), but it's all coming together back home.
You're absolutely right tdrinker. We have a roof over our heads and the locals are friendly. Being with dad would not be a great place to be and the Airbnb was good but could never be a long-term option. At least we have our stuff even if we cant have it arranged as we would really like it. It is giving us some time and space to think about what sort of house and where we do want to live.
Our landlord is probably better than a lot out there but if I were him, I'd be sorting out the guttering and the windows before they cause more serious problems to the house.

We aren't allowed any pets and frankly I'm not in the right place to care for a pet currently. One day we shall get a Syrian hamster when we are settled.
I'm not a fan of winter wherever I am in the world, it always makes me feel down. It always has here and it did in NZ too. I'm as prepared for that as I can be.
Hopefully as spring approaches we'll have found our home and I'll be doing better mentally. So lots to look forward to.
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