Hutch

So - this year for Christmas the wife's parents flew over to Oz with us - a move designed by the missus to ease the trauma of us ****ing off over here permenantly by letting them see what a nice place it was. Recipe for disaster if ever there was, not helped by the fact that her mother's a dried up old prune with a total sense-of-humour bypass and he's a world-class skinflint. Not a personal dig this - the wife's in total agreement - but they're family and you have to make allowances. Anyway - we're all staying at my folks house - rent-free.

All starts cheerily enough - the skinflint falls in love with the place immediately - everyone happy splashing around in the pool, drinking copious amounts of clear skins and talking 'pish' as our Scottish bretheren might say. Two weeks in and the cracks start appearing - my mum takes umbrage to the fact that the skinflint's extremely partial to wine and yet hasn't splashed a single cent to help pay for it all. The MIL pisses *everyone* off spends all ****ing day long banging on about when she lived in Singapore, about the flies, the heat, the uncouth locals and the fact that the landscape round here "looks like just like Somerset"!!!!

The wife's all tetchy because she wants to smoke but her parents don't know she spent most of her adult life in servitude to nicotine. All comes to a head when the MIL, FIL and my mum spend a good hour slagging me off (I wasn't present) because I bought a VW Golf that turned out to be a total lemon. Catherine returns to our bedroom, bursts into tears and begins methodically packing her bags. All hell breaks loose when I tell the FIL, MIL and my mum that their constant sniping has finally broken her down and she's off as far as a roll-along case and a credit card will get her. The FIL thought I was going to lump him one (the thought had occured to me) and stayed quiet. The MIL merely said "I told you not to go on David - I'm always caught in the middle" - as if that flapping jaw of hers hadn't been cranking out bile for the last three weeks. My dad sent everyone away and let Catherine vent and then ushered the olds in one by one so they could make their peace. Everyone went to bed very late and all slept fitfully.

Next day our son Josh (aged four and a half) is trying to get involved in the evening meal and wants to carry out the food to the table. Catherine (the wife) says to Josh that would be nice. The MIL comes in, snatches plate off Josh "in case he drops it" - Josh cries. MIL says "oh very well bring it out then" - Josh carries plate out, puts it on table, MIL shouts, at the top of her scrawny old flappy voice "Well that's no good is it Josh because I'm sat over here!" Poor old Josh had the nerve to place the plate on the opposite side of the table - what a heinous crime. Catherine placates poor old Josh, takes MIL to one side, says "I don't ever want you shouting at Josh like that again", she says "well I'm sorry but that's how we did things in my day", Catherine says "Well he's MY son and if you ever talk like that to him again, I will remove you completely from his life". MIL shuts up.

And so the last week of their stay drags on - everyone being vaguely polite and all wishing the FIL and MIL were anywhere other than here. Dad tots up the bottles for the recycling bin, works out that 'we' have somehow managed to get through 28 ****ing bottles in a week. Given that I'm allergic to wine and that me mum tends to stick to the one, that's pretty impressive work. We waved 'em off in the hire car that Catherine and I ended up paying half of, despite the fact that he drove it for all but three days, and heaved a monumental sigh of relief. There *had* been talk (mainly by the skinflint) of them moving out here too (they were both very taken by Jervis Bay) but nobody around here wants to see them move out and I can honestly say I'll be offering no advice on visas, despite the enormous amount of information I've picked up in applying for one for my wife and son and from reading all about them on this forum. I always knew the inlaws were a pair of wankers, but the last month has rammed the point home in glorious technicolor. At least we've got another month out here, so there's still some time to get a bit of quality relaxation in, before returning to blighty to sell up. If the old cow comes to the airport to see us off - I'll gob on her. Not that I'm bitter or anything you understand.

YoSemite

i know a few good hitmen hutch....................


offer is there!

karenjc

Amen!!!!!!!!!!!

Bix

Thanks for sharing your strife Hutch.

Gave me a good laugh. Like something from a sitcom.

fraser

In-laws I shit them

ozzieeagle

I know where I can get some hash cookies if you like

Linda Lushardi

Oh god!! You have reminded me why i am sooo happy to be 12,000 miles from blighty...lol

cranni

Well you poor things, My MIL does not know where we live in Oz and wont find out, she was always an absolute bitch.
I put up with it for 12 years, then we sold our house straight away and was homeless, we would have gone in a mobile home but she said she wanted to travel for a few months, so we thought great we will stay there.
Well she never bloody went and it was hell, she made my life hell, and the kids.
So in the end we had a big row ,she shouted abuse at me in the street, f...ing and blinding.
We left 2 weeks later and have never spoken since. She did not know we left and has not got a clue where we live.
It is better that she is out of our lives, my hubby had an awful childhood and does not like her.
She rang a friend of ours and told him to tell us we are out of her will, she can shove it where the sun dont shine. Honestly its great knowing she is not going to knock on the door. Denise

soapy©

sorry Hutch, but like bix i laughed so much that my sides are still hurting. hope the mrs can get over it. being her parents it will be hard for her.
dont let them get u down. at least u have a great story to tell everyone.....still laughing sorry

Cheetah7

Hutch, at the end of the day you know who you are and where you're at.

You have a lovely wife and family and you must not let them take that thought away from you.

Tell your in laws that there have been an influx of flies coming in from darkest Africa and they have the bite as toxic as an Funnel Web spider.

Tell them that Australia really is crap and when you are rich enough, you will move back (never ever in your long legged life will you do that)

Then tell them that the sharks and spiders wear hob nailed boots and carry guns.

Then tell them, to shat off and leave you alone.

Purely because you are worth more than they treat you - much more.

Spitting on them is a good idea as well, just make sure you have eaten a curry before you do it.

soapy©

ha ha ha brillllllll. i hadnt thought of this. working up a big greener as i type

Stitch

Wow, powerfull post. Let's hope that house sells soon!

Hope it all goes to plan for you guys.

Cheers

Ginny

annqldau

Bugger - mine are coming for 5-6 weeks and hers are coming for 8!!! Wonder if that job on Thursday Island is still available????????

Pollyana

Oh Hutch, you have my sympathy! i have just written an account of my Xmas Day to send to my sister, and I think we are pretty close contestants in the "abolish Christmas" stakes!
Remember though - you will be a long way from them when you finally emigrate - the mob I have to put up with are all here with me! :scared:

Anne4Terry

I sympathised and laughed at this at the same time. Especially your last sentence

I too will be very glad when we are the other side of the world to my parents.