Go Back  British Expats > Living & Moving Abroad > Australia
Reload this Page >

Wife left / visa/support position / legal / where do I stand?

Wife left / visa/support position / legal / where do I stand?

Old Jul 12th 2019, 9:59 am
  #31  
BE Enthusiast
Thread Starter
 
Joined: Jun 2012
Location: NSW, Australia
Posts: 388
Lucas_Dad has a reputation beyond reputeLucas_Dad has a reputation beyond reputeLucas_Dad has a reputation beyond reputeLucas_Dad has a reputation beyond reputeLucas_Dad has a reputation beyond reputeLucas_Dad has a reputation beyond reputeLucas_Dad has a reputation beyond reputeLucas_Dad has a reputation beyond reputeLucas_Dad has a reputation beyond reputeLucas_Dad has a reputation beyond reputeLucas_Dad has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: Wife left / visa/support position / legal / where do I stand?

Originally Posted by Beoz View Post
Nuff said right there. With kids, someone always earns more bread, someone always makes more bread.
Oh yeah, I made bread too!
Lucas_Dad is offline  
Old Jul 12th 2019, 10:49 am
  #32  
8 day fiancee
 
Dorothy's Avatar
 
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 28,654
Dorothy has a reputation beyond reputeDorothy has a reputation beyond reputeDorothy has a reputation beyond reputeDorothy has a reputation beyond reputeDorothy has a reputation beyond reputeDorothy has a reputation beyond reputeDorothy has a reputation beyond reputeDorothy has a reputation beyond reputeDorothy has a reputation beyond reputeDorothy has a reputation beyond reputeDorothy has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: Wife left / visa/support position / legal / where do I stand?

Originally Posted by Lucas_Dad View Post
First thank you once again for all the messages of support, encouragement and sympathy. Thanks also for all those nuggets "he won't like it, but needs to hear it" too. That's good too, and appreciated.

I've now got legal representation (legal aid) and I've had mostly good news. I cannot be forced from the house. Its sale can only be forced if the wife simply stops paying the mortgage. If she did that she'd be shafting herself as well as me - both our credit ratings would plummet, the house would sell for MUCH less than it is worth, so we'd both suffer. I'm entitled to spousal maintenance. Her paying the mortgage *at least* is a start. I may be entitled to more, but as she has the boys, I'm not pushing it. The wife has virtually cleaned out the join money account, plus the surplus we had paid on the mortgage - I'm at least $6,000 out of pocket, but such things will simply be added to any future financial settlement (like a share of her superannuation, on top of cash & bills owed). I'm having to cover my own health insurance - she cut me off without warning. Her view is "I'm not responsible for you". My lawyer has advised however that legislations says "the spouse is entitled to remain in the lifestyle to which they have become accustomed". This may include health cover, so the extra $150 to HCF I have to find will also be taken into consideration.

That's the positive update. Next comes the defence of "me".

To those who think I had a cushy life, and my wife is to be applauded (Teza, etc) for putting up with me for so long ... that's fine, your opinion, you're entitled to it, and I have no problem with that. It affects my days not one bit. But, for what it's worth....

My wife was indeed bread winner whilst, by mutual agreement, I was full time dad. Our house is in joint names - all my UK savings went into it. With no personal income I have worked extremely hard on the house in other areas. I took the builder's stock house design and modified it hugely, in addition to making computer 3D models to perfect it. I also designed the garden, laid approx. 40-50m of crushed granite pathways, prepped and laid 330m2 of lawn, designed and laid 53m2 of patio, installed every inch of pipes, wiring and controller of a 150m of irrigation system. I designed and made: both kid's king single beds, bedside tables, bookcases, study nook, TV unit, amongst other things. I've undertaken fixes (actually pretty high quality) on things that would otherwise have cost us hundreds in tradies. I've saved us tens of $thousands, just on the house.

Was I a kept man? Not a bit. For the first time in a long time I have the confidence to say: I am an *excellent* dad, and am(was) an *excellent* househusband. I was active from 7.30am (at the latest) to 7.30pm (earliest), 7 days per week, 365 days per year. No holidays, no breaks. Sometimes I'd get to sleep in on a Sunday, but that's hard with two boisterous boys... I prepped and cook(ed) healthy meals each weeknight (wife cooked weekends), made the packed lunches (both for school-age son & wife), clean(ed) the house, do(did) most of the laundry, and maintained the garden. I took the boys to Library groups, gym, swimming, playgrounds, etc. pretty much daily. I'm a qualified swim teacher so would augment both boys' formal swim lessons with lessons by me, usually on Sundays, usually while the wife stayed home to nap, rest, work, rehearse, whatever.

Being the only dad at the mummy groups can be *extremely* lonely and isolating - a few mums are confident and secure enough to strike up a conversation with the lone dad, but most stay in their cliques talking about mummy things. My days were not spent in front of trashy or kid TV. With both boys I'd draw, paint, count, read, play, make, build, run, cuddle, giggle. My 7yo's numeracy & literacy is 18-24 months ahead. My 3yo is similarly advanced. Yes, I damn well do take a large chunk of credit for that! While my teacher wife had before/after school meetings, before/after school rehearsals, evening and weekend rehearsals and performances for school and other amateur groups, guess who was caring for the boys.

The kids' brains are just a small part. Both love the outdoors, playing sport, riding bikes. They are empathetic and caring (sadly just not with each other, sometimes...!). Both love playing music (wife and I are musicians) - I teach the 7yo trombone and he's just performed at his first Eisteddfod. (Wife accompanied him on piano. Did she let me ride in the car to support him? Nope. I had to bike ride 20k in the cold). I'm a helper & coach at 7yo's Auskick club. While my wife was prioritising work and everything else above me, I got extremely lonely, my depression got worse and worse, deaths I had not dealt with properly were getting on top of me (an uncle, aunt, close friend and mentor, plus two others' funerals I could not get back to the UK for within the first couple of years of moving over), and as a result I looked for friendship and cheer at the neck of a bottle. I made some poor choices. I am now making better choices. I have not had a drop of alcohol in over 7 weeks.

I've worked hard on me and my psyche recently, and yes, I reckon I'm a pretty damn good dad.

Bottom line, think what you like. Opine as you will. Sticks and stones may break my bones, but keyboard warriors will never hurt me.

Cheers xx
All of what's written tells me that you are/were a great father and probably a good husband. You very clearly love your family. But please be assured that you don't owe an explanation to anyone! You and your wife decided on what was best for your family and it's nobody's business but yours. I don't recall stay at home mothers on this board having to explain their family lives/routines. Yes, you made some bad choices - but you are trying to rectify those choices and that matters.
Dorothy is offline  
Old Jul 12th 2019, 11:37 am
  #33  
Aussie Finn Mixture!
 
teza's Avatar
 
Joined: May 2005
Location: Leschenault WA (after few locations around WA and Around Europe!)
Posts: 1,136
teza has a reputation beyond reputeteza has a reputation beyond reputeteza has a reputation beyond reputeteza has a reputation beyond reputeteza has a reputation beyond reputeteza has a reputation beyond reputeteza has a reputation beyond reputeteza has a reputation beyond reputeteza has a reputation beyond reputeteza has a reputation beyond reputeteza has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: Wife left / visa/support position / legal / where do I stand?

Originally Posted by Lucas_Dad View Post
First thank you once again for all the messages of support, encouragement and sympathy. Thanks also for all those nuggets "he won't like it, but needs to hear it" too. That's good too, and appreciated.

I've now got legal representation (legal aid) and I've had mostly good news. I cannot be forced from the house. Its sale can only be forced if the wife simply stops paying the mortgage. If she did that she'd be shafting herself as well as me - both our credit ratings would plummet, the house would sell for MUCH less than it is worth, so we'd both suffer. I'm entitled to spousal maintenance. Her paying the mortgage *at least* is a start. I may be entitled to more, but as she has the boys, I'm not pushing it. The wife has virtually cleaned out the join money account, plus the surplus we had paid on the mortgage - I'm at least $6,000 out of pocket, but such things will simply be added to any future financial settlement (like a share of her superannuation, on top of cash & bills owed). I'm having to cover my own health insurance - she cut me off without warning. Her view is "I'm not responsible for you". My lawyer has advised however that legislations says "the spouse is entitled to remain in the lifestyle to which they have become accustomed". This may include health cover, so the extra $150 to HCF I have to find will also be taken into consideration.

That's the positive update. Next comes the defence of "me".

To those who think I had a cushy life, and my wife is to be applauded (Teza, etc) for putting up with me for so long ... that's fine, your opinion, you're entitled to it, and I have no problem with that. It affects my days not one bit. But, for what it's worth....

My wife was indeed bread winner whilst, by mutual agreement, I was full time dad. Our house is in joint names - all my UK savings went into it. With no personal income I have worked extremely hard on the house in other areas. I took the builder's stock house design and modified it hugely, in addition to making computer 3D models to perfect it. I also designed the garden, laid approx. 40-50m of crushed granite pathways, prepped and laid 330m2 of lawn, designed and laid 53m2 of patio, installed every inch of pipes, wiring and controller of a 150m of irrigation system. I designed and made: both kid's king single beds, bedside tables, bookcases, study nook, TV unit, amongst other things. I've undertaken fixes (actually pretty high quality) on things that would otherwise have cost us hundreds in tradies. I've saved us tens of $thousands, just on the house.

Was I a kept man? Not a bit. For the first time in a long time I have the confidence to say: I am an *excellent* dad, and am(was) an *excellent* househusband. I was active from 7.30am (at the latest) to 7.30pm (earliest), 7 days per week, 365 days per year. No holidays, no breaks. Sometimes I'd get to sleep in on a Sunday, but that's hard with two boisterous boys... I prepped and cook(ed) healthy meals each weeknight (wife cooked weekends), made the packed lunches (both for school-age son & wife), clean(ed) the house, do(did) most of the laundry, and maintained the garden. I took the boys to Library groups, gym, swimming, playgrounds, etc. pretty much daily. I'm a qualified swim teacher so would augment both boys' formal swim lessons with lessons by me, usually on Sundays, usually while the wife stayed home to nap, rest, work, rehearse, whatever.

Being the only dad at the mummy groups can be *extremely* lonely and isolating - a few mums are confident and secure enough to strike up a conversation with the lone dad, but most stay in their cliques talking about mummy things. My days were not spent in front of trashy or kid TV. With both boys I'd draw, paint, count, read, play, make, build, run, cuddle, giggle. My 7yo's numeracy & literacy is 18-24 months ahead. My 3yo is similarly advanced. Yes, I damn well do take a large chunk of credit for that! While my teacher wife had before/after school meetings, before/after school rehearsals, evening and weekend rehearsals and performances for school and other amateur groups, guess who was caring for the boys.

The kids' brains are just a small part. Both love the outdoors, playing sport, riding bikes. They are empathetic and caring (sadly just not with each other, sometimes...!). Both love playing music (wife and I are musicians) - I teach the 7yo trombone and he's just performed at his first Eisteddfod. (Wife accompanied him on piano. Did she let me ride in the car to support him? Nope. I had to bike ride 20k in the cold). I'm a helper & coach at 7yo's Auskick club. While my wife was prioritising work and everything else above me, I got extremely lonely, my depression got worse and worse, deaths I had not dealt with properly were getting on top of me (an uncle, aunt, close friend and mentor, plus two others' funerals I could not get back to the UK for within the first couple of years of moving over), and as a result I looked for friendship and cheer at the neck of a bottle. I made some poor choices. I am now making better choices. I have not had a drop of alcohol in over 7 weeks.

I've worked hard on me and my psyche recently, and yes, I reckon I'm a pretty damn good dad.

Bottom line, think what you like. Opine as you will. Sticks and stones may break my bones, but keyboard warriors will never hurt me.

Cheers xx
since you mentioned me, I don’t doubt you as a father at all, but since you bared all, you must admit you were the room mate, and as I suspected that would never end up well. I wish you well, truly, but I’m still seeing an absolute copy of my sisters life, which is saying “ this is what I’ve done”. Please listen to me, for the sake of your kids. Don’t drink, ever. By the time family goes, your liver is gone and there’s no comeback. My sister said “but house is clean, I managed the garden, I fixed this” as usual excuses to make up for the drink “earned” for hard work, in the end she was given 2 days to live after she collapsed during a jog and she died 8 days later, I’m not trying to guilt trip, educate, nor blame. Just telling you, alcoholic dies much faster than he expected. I’m really not having a go at you but so far de ja vu with stories. Please make it a different ending for the sake of your kids
teza is offline  
Old Jul 12th 2019, 12:34 pm
  #34  
SUPER MODERATOR
 
moneypenny20's Avatar
 
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 63,463
moneypenny20 has a reputation beyond reputemoneypenny20 has a reputation beyond reputemoneypenny20 has a reputation beyond reputemoneypenny20 has a reputation beyond reputemoneypenny20 has a reputation beyond reputemoneypenny20 has a reputation beyond reputemoneypenny20 has a reputation beyond reputemoneypenny20 has a reputation beyond reputemoneypenny20 has a reputation beyond reputemoneypenny20 has a reputation beyond reputemoneypenny20 has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: Wife left / visa/support position / legal / where do I stand?

Originally Posted by teza View Post

since you mentioned me, I don’t doubt you as a father at all, but since you bared all, you must admit you were the room mate
What an unbelievably obnoxious comment.
moneypenny20 is offline  
Old Jul 12th 2019, 1:21 pm
  #35  
BE Forum Addict
 
Pica's Avatar
 
Joined: Apr 2009
Location: Italy
Posts: 2,397
Pica has a reputation beyond reputePica has a reputation beyond reputePica has a reputation beyond reputePica has a reputation beyond reputePica has a reputation beyond reputePica has a reputation beyond reputePica has a reputation beyond reputePica has a reputation beyond reputePica has a reputation beyond reputePica has a reputation beyond reputePica has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: Wife left / visa/support position / legal / where do I stand?

(Wife accompanied him on piano. Did she let me ride in the car to support him? Nope. I had to bike ride 20k in the cold).
That is despicable behaviour on your wife's part.
Pica is offline  
Old Jul 12th 2019, 4:54 pm
  #36  
BE Forum Addict
 
Joined: Feb 2013
Location: BC, Canada
Posts: 2,746
scilly has a reputation beyond reputescilly has a reputation beyond reputescilly has a reputation beyond reputescilly has a reputation beyond reputescilly has a reputation beyond reputescilly has a reputation beyond reputescilly has a reputation beyond reputescilly has a reputation beyond reputescilly has a reputation beyond reputescilly has a reputation beyond reputescilly has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: Wife left / visa/support position / legal / where do I stand?

Originally Posted by teza View Post

since you mentioned me, I don’t doubt you as a father at all, but since you bared all, you must admit you were the room mate, and as I suspected that would never end up well. I wish you well, truly, but I’m still seeing an absolute copy of my sisters life, which is saying “ this is what I’ve done”. Please listen to me, for the sake of your kids. Don’t drink, ever. By the time family goes, your liver is gone and there’s no comeback. My sister said “but house is clean, I managed the garden, I fixed this” as usual excuses to make up for the drink “earned” for hard work, in the end she was given 2 days to live after she collapsed during a jog and she died 8 days later, I’m not trying to guilt trip, educate, nor blame. Just telling you, alcoholic dies much faster than he expected. I’m really not having a go at you but so far de ja vu with stories. Please make it a different ending for the sake of your kids

and therefore is a stay-at-home wife a "room mate"?

You seem to think that is so.

Despicable condemnation of a stay-at-home parent, no matter their sex!
scilly is offline  
Old Jul 12th 2019, 7:51 pm
  #37  
Used to be Seasider
 
Joined: Nov 2006
Location: Seattle
Posts: 7,058
Kooky. has a reputation beyond reputeKooky. has a reputation beyond reputeKooky. has a reputation beyond reputeKooky. has a reputation beyond reputeKooky. has a reputation beyond reputeKooky. has a reputation beyond reputeKooky. has a reputation beyond reputeKooky. has a reputation beyond reputeKooky. has a reputation beyond reputeKooky. has a reputation beyond reputeKooky. has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: Wife left / visa/support position / legal / where do I stand?

Isn't it funny how everyone would support a woman in this position but a man gets stick for it? (No it's not at all funny, but very glad to see most of us here are supportive of you Lucas_Dad.)

As has been pointed out (she's smart, that Dorothy chick - proud to call her a friend) you owe nobody that explanation, least of all a group of anonymous people on a message board. But very glad to hear you are getting your shit together, and sorry to hear things aren't going as smoothly where civility with your wife is concerned. Having been there (with no kids involved, thankfully) I can say, with the best will in the world to sort it out like grown-ups, it doesn't always work. Too emotional a time for all.

Just stay as civil as you can.
Kooky. is offline  
Old Jul 12th 2019, 10:09 pm
  #38  
Officially Bewildered
 
Dreamy's Avatar
 
Joined: Nov 2006
Location: Blue Mountains, NSW
Posts: 5,294
Dreamy has a reputation beyond reputeDreamy has a reputation beyond reputeDreamy has a reputation beyond reputeDreamy has a reputation beyond reputeDreamy has a reputation beyond reputeDreamy has a reputation beyond reputeDreamy has a reputation beyond reputeDreamy has a reputation beyond reputeDreamy has a reputation beyond reputeDreamy has a reputation beyond reputeDreamy has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: Wife left / visa/support position / legal / where do I stand?

Originally Posted by Dorothy View Post
All of what's written tells me that you are/were a great father and probably a good husband. You very clearly love your family. But please be assured that you don't owe an explanation to anyone! You and your wife decided on what was best for your family and it's nobody's business but yours. I don't recall stay at home mothers on this board having to explain their family lives/routines. Yes, you made some bad choices - but you are trying to rectify those choices and that matters.
What Dorothy said, 100%
You really shouldn't have to justify the home situation you had, which presumably was worked out between you and your wife for the benefit of the kids, just like everyone else does. Not wanting to put words in her mouth but I think that Teza is just concerned that you're not addressing the alcohol issue and is trying to be blunt/harsh/over-the-top to get you to see that. (Apologies if that isn't the case)

I would say the following to a woman in your situation - try not to get bitter about things your wife does. It WILL colour your relationship with your children. Log them, try to deal with them directly with her in a calm manner, or if that's not possible, through your legal representative. Try not to let the kids be used as bargaining chips, even if the other party is trying to do so. That's not to say that you should be a doormat, just the bigger person. It's great that you haven't had any alcohol in 7 weeks - but you may still benefit from some alcohol counselling. One of my brother-in-laws (I have a complicated in-law history, just go with me here) didn't touch alcohol for months and months at a time, used this as justification that he wasn't an alcoholic. Of course, once he had alcohol he couldn't stop, so was obviously an alcoholic to everyone around him, which ultimately cost him his family and his life. Just a cautionary word

Good luck, LD, break ups are always complicated soul sucking occasions, even with the best will in the world they often develop a nasty, mean-spirited life of their own, which is difficult enough when you have family around you.
Dreamy is offline  

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


Contact Us Archive Advertising Cookie Policy Privacy Statement Terms of Service

Copyright © 2018 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved. Use of this site indicates your consent to the Terms of Use.