What do I say to Mum and Dad?
Sep 24th 2003, 12:21 pm
#1
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What do I say to Mum and Dad?
My husband and I are in the early stages of thinking about emigrating to Oz. We have a 9 month old little boy and its my parents first and only grand child. I mentioned to my dad that we are about to apply for an application form today. You should have seen his face. I thought he was going to cry there and then. I now feel so guilty about leaving them. Has anyone else had the same reaction from family? How have people dealt with emotional parents? Advice greatly appreciated!!
Sep 24th 2003, 12:36 pm
#2
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hey tazzy,
i know exactly where you are coming from here. I have one supportive parent and another who is against the whole idea and thinks that by ridiculing it, it will go away.
i don't have the answers but would urge you to think of the following: being selfish is ok. put your lives, and that of your baby first. afterall, your dad's reaction is a selfish one too. he is not thinking about your future and your happiness, but his own potential loss.
what i have done is try and emphasize the positive in that although its half-way round the world, flights are less than a two week holiday on the costas of spain, and you can be home in 24 hours if need be.
and finally, with my dutch hat on and doing a bit of generalising, brits spend a lot of time worrying about other people's feelings to the detriment of their own. its your life and you should not feel guilty for wanting to lve it your way.
good luck with your folks (and the application!)
flying dutchman
i know exactly where you are coming from here. I have one supportive parent and another who is against the whole idea and thinks that by ridiculing it, it will go away.
i don't have the answers but would urge you to think of the following: being selfish is ok. put your lives, and that of your baby first. afterall, your dad's reaction is a selfish one too. he is not thinking about your future and your happiness, but his own potential loss.
what i have done is try and emphasize the positive in that although its half-way round the world, flights are less than a two week holiday on the costas of spain, and you can be home in 24 hours if need be.
and finally, with my dutch hat on and doing a bit of generalising, brits spend a lot of time worrying about other people's feelings to the detriment of their own. its your life and you should not feel guilty for wanting to lve it your way.
good luck with your folks (and the application!)
flying dutchman
Sep 24th 2003, 12:47 pm
#3
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Re: What do I say to Mum and Dad?
hiya
I know exactly how you feel. Me and my hubby have 3 young boys (7,2 & !) and they are the only grandchildren on both sides. Our families are particularly close, but my mother adores my kids and comes to see them very other day.
It has always been in my head to go to Oz and after looking into it, my husband agrees that we could have a better life over there. Once we decided we'd definately go for it (which was only a couple of months ago!), I thought I'd better let everyone know. My mum and sisters cried, my Dad said "go for it", as did hubby's family! At first, all I got was how much they'll miss the kids which made me even more determined to go, but now they're telling me how much they love me and will miss me. AGH!!! So, the guilt set in last week and I started to doubt my decision, but that only lasted 2 days and I'm still as determined as ever.
I do feel bad for my Mum, she's in an unhappy relationship and the kids mean the world to her, but I've got to think of me and my family. we know there's a chance it might all go pear shaped, but I know I'll never be happy until I've at least tried it.
How come you have decided to emmigrate? Will you miss your parents? I'll miss mine, but not enough to keep me here/ have you any idea where you might go to in Oz? We're hoping to go to Melbourne. We've heard wonderful things about the place and I don't think we could cope with the heat up the North!
Nicole
I know exactly how you feel. Me and my hubby have 3 young boys (7,2 & !) and they are the only grandchildren on both sides. Our families are particularly close, but my mother adores my kids and comes to see them very other day.
It has always been in my head to go to Oz and after looking into it, my husband agrees that we could have a better life over there. Once we decided we'd definately go for it (which was only a couple of months ago!), I thought I'd better let everyone know. My mum and sisters cried, my Dad said "go for it", as did hubby's family! At first, all I got was how much they'll miss the kids which made me even more determined to go, but now they're telling me how much they love me and will miss me. AGH!!! So, the guilt set in last week and I started to doubt my decision, but that only lasted 2 days and I'm still as determined as ever.
I do feel bad for my Mum, she's in an unhappy relationship and the kids mean the world to her, but I've got to think of me and my family. we know there's a chance it might all go pear shaped, but I know I'll never be happy until I've at least tried it.
How come you have decided to emmigrate? Will you miss your parents? I'll miss mine, but not enough to keep me here/ have you any idea where you might go to in Oz? We're hoping to go to Melbourne. We've heard wonderful things about the place and I don't think we could cope with the heat up the North!
Nicole
Sep 24th 2003, 1:10 pm
#4
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Re: What do I say to Mum and Dad?
Thanks Flying Dutchman and Noodle for your advice and comments. They have made me feel a lot stronger in my decision to emigrate although I still feel bad towards my folks. It looks like I'm not the only one going through this.
Noodle - we are thinking about going to Melbourne or Adelaide. We have friends in both places but my husband can get a job transfer to Melbourne if we take that route in.
We back packed round Oz three years ago now and fell in love with it. We just feel it is a better standard of life out there. And reading everyones comments, especially the one about Brisbane it does make the decision a little easier.
Thanks all for replying.
Noodle - we are thinking about going to Melbourne or Adelaide. We have friends in both places but my husband can get a job transfer to Melbourne if we take that route in.
We back packed round Oz three years ago now and fell in love with it. We just feel it is a better standard of life out there. And reading everyones comments, especially the one about Brisbane it does make the decision a little easier.
Thanks all for replying.
Sep 24th 2003, 1:18 pm
#5
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Just told the In-Laws as they had been in South Africa in the 70's so they understood.
I was dreading telling my mum, partly cos she dotes on the kids, partly cos my father died last year and partly cos of her reaction when we proposed to go to NZ about 10-12 years ago after the birth of our 1st child.
Worked out OK though cos by the time I bit the bullet, the kids had already told her months earlier. Still haven't really discussed it with her, just told her that we're going basically!
I was dreading telling my mum, partly cos she dotes on the kids, partly cos my father died last year and partly cos of her reaction when we proposed to go to NZ about 10-12 years ago after the birth of our 1st child.
Worked out OK though cos by the time I bit the bullet, the kids had already told her months earlier. Still haven't really discussed it with her, just told her that we're going basically!
Sep 24th 2003, 1:23 pm
#6
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How to tell them
Hi
We decided not to tell any family or freinds untill we received my hubbys Visa.
Then we explained that we had spent over a year researching it all and that over 90% was positive.
It was not easy as me being a Aussie am sure they felt I was holding a gun against hubbys head and forcing him to go which was not the case at all!!(Honest).We also have had tears as we will be taking there only GrandDauhghter away but we have told them its what we feel we must do to give our children a better life and hopefully a new way of living.And its something we as a family want to do.
The prices of phonecalls and with email and videos we have assured them we will be in a lot of contact bearing in mind as well they can not travel to see us due to health reasons.
The prices of flights are reasonable enough to come and visit them and we have left them a pile of Airmail letters already paid so they can write to us.
Its hard but its not worth living with the regret if you dont go at the end of the day if you dont settle you can always come back!!
We even had a farewell party and hubbys family refused to come!But we are putting ourselfs first and maybe being selfish but you only have one life and it is your life so do what you want dont live with the "What Ifs".
We decided not to tell any family or freinds untill we received my hubbys Visa.
Then we explained that we had spent over a year researching it all and that over 90% was positive.
It was not easy as me being a Aussie am sure they felt I was holding a gun against hubbys head and forcing him to go which was not the case at all!!(Honest).We also have had tears as we will be taking there only GrandDauhghter away but we have told them its what we feel we must do to give our children a better life and hopefully a new way of living.And its something we as a family want to do.
The prices of phonecalls and with email and videos we have assured them we will be in a lot of contact bearing in mind as well they can not travel to see us due to health reasons.
The prices of flights are reasonable enough to come and visit them and we have left them a pile of Airmail letters already paid so they can write to us.
Its hard but its not worth living with the regret if you dont go at the end of the day if you dont settle you can always come back!!
We even had a farewell party and hubbys family refused to come!But we are putting ourselfs first and maybe being selfish but you only have one life and it is your life so do what you want dont live with the "What Ifs".
Sep 24th 2003, 2:25 pm
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Parents!
I understand where you are comming from, my mum is constantly making me feel guilty by the comments she makes. Last time I saw her she kept saying "please, please don't go, I want to cry everytime I think about it". I am actually beginning to feel quite cross with her because I don't feel that she should be saying it. My hubby goes mad.
The thing is, it makes you question yourself and your motives, I get down for a while but then I start looking at why we want to go and I get all excited again.
They should be happy for us, and she agrees that she is, BUT.....
Mandy
The thing is, it makes you question yourself and your motives, I get down for a while but then I start looking at why we want to go and I get all excited again.
They should be happy for us, and she agrees that she is, BUT.....
Mandy
Sep 24th 2003, 2:30 pm
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Re: What do I say to Mum and Dad?
Originally posted by Tazzy
My husband and I are in the early stages of thinking about emigrating to Oz. We have a 9 month old little boy and its my parents first and only grand child. I mentioned to my dad that we are about to apply for an application form today. You should have seen his face. I thought he was going to cry there and then. I now feel so guilty about leaving them. Has anyone else had the same reaction from family? How have people dealt with emotional parents? Advice greatly appreciated!!
My husband and I are in the early stages of thinking about emigrating to Oz. We have a 9 month old little boy and its my parents first and only grand child. I mentioned to my dad that we are about to apply for an application form today. You should have seen his face. I thought he was going to cry there and then. I now feel so guilty about leaving them. Has anyone else had the same reaction from family? How have people dealt with emotional parents? Advice greatly appreciated!!
My wife and I are applying to go to Oz for a better life, or at least try.
I mentioned it to my dad that we were considering emigrating because we cannot afford a good life here at the moment. Initially he was OK about it, but then he told my mum and then all hell broke lose.
My mum would phone us crying, then slam the phone down. We visited them and they both told us we were bad parents and being selfish taking their grandchildren away from them. Also why did they waste money putting me through University if I was leaving, they wouldn't do anything for us ever again in terms of helping us with renovating the house, and if I told my elderly grandma the news would certainly kill her. My dad also keeps going on about how difficult it is to get in, the points needed and that I wouldn't have enough points so we would be wasting money (I didn't tell them I had already got more than enough points).
I am an only child so us moving away with their grandchildren I understand they are very upset, but I want a better life for my children to grow up in; the UK is over crowded, expensive, crime is on the rise, sex offenders are on the rise and we want to experience a new life, at least then we can make a final decision one what is best for us. I have explained to my parents that we only see them every two months for the odd weekend, so what would be the difference in seeing them for two weeks every 6 months. If we needed them (birth of our second child) it takes them a couple of days to get across to us, so what is the difference (apart from cost) of catching a plane that takes 24 hours to Oz. We have also told them how it costs us £800 per month in child care because we have no family near us to help out (we could live on just my wage), in Oz my wife would be able to give up work as we would have a smaller mortgage and general day to day living would be cheaper.
I did think my parents would be upset, but I also thought they would give us full support and tell us how they wished they had done it etc, but unfortunately not.
To keep the peace we have told them we are not going anymore, but in reality we are waiting for the visas and drop it on them again nearer the time we are leaving. We do not want to do it this way, we want everyone to get excited together, but this cannot be at the minute.
Any tips for me would be useful as well
Sep 24th 2003, 3:06 pm
#9
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Re: What do I say to Mum and Dad?
Dont think I am dreading telling my folks to much.
But if we have children what will it be like knowing only 1 set of grandparents well?
They will see my folks at the most once a year or two years.
Think that will be the strangest thing for me!!!
TT
But if we have children what will it be like knowing only 1 set of grandparents well?
They will see my folks at the most once a year or two years.
Think that will be the strangest thing for me!!!
TT
Originally posted by Tazzy
My husband and I are in the early stages of thinking about emigrating to Oz. We have a 9 month old little boy and its my parents first and only grand child. I mentioned to my dad that we are about to apply for an application form today. You should have seen his face. I thought he was going to cry there and then. I now feel so guilty about leaving them. Has anyone else had the same reaction from family? How have people dealt with emotional parents? Advice greatly appreciated!!
My husband and I are in the early stages of thinking about emigrating to Oz. We have a 9 month old little boy and its my parents first and only grand child. I mentioned to my dad that we are about to apply for an application form today. You should have seen his face. I thought he was going to cry there and then. I now feel so guilty about leaving them. Has anyone else had the same reaction from family? How have people dealt with emotional parents? Advice greatly appreciated!!
Sep 24th 2003, 6:18 pm
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Re: What do I say to Mum and Dad?
Oh Sheffutd
I'm so sorry, but I couln't help laughing at the reaction of your parents, especially your mother. The poor devils. You being the only son and all, how could you???? I do feel a bit like that about my own kids, I'd hate for them to move away with my grandkids (which is along way away, I might add), but it will be their choice and you can't use emotional blackmail to keep your kids near you, as your parents are clearly doing! I wonder how gutted they will be when you tell them that you're going next week and they haven't been able to be apart of it all? My Mum refuses to discuss it with me, hoping that it might go away. It won't make it any easier for her, or change my mind. Just think of the awful visits you'll get when you get there when your mother tries to put down everything in Oz to make you realise how lucky you were in England.
Well I hope it all works out for you anyway. just think what you'd want for your kids and how happy you'd be if they went off to get a better life.
Lots of luck, Noodle
I'm so sorry, but I couln't help laughing at the reaction of your parents, especially your mother. The poor devils. You being the only son and all, how could you???? I do feel a bit like that about my own kids, I'd hate for them to move away with my grandkids (which is along way away, I might add), but it will be their choice and you can't use emotional blackmail to keep your kids near you, as your parents are clearly doing! I wonder how gutted they will be when you tell them that you're going next week and they haven't been able to be apart of it all? My Mum refuses to discuss it with me, hoping that it might go away. It won't make it any easier for her, or change my mind. Just think of the awful visits you'll get when you get there when your mother tries to put down everything in Oz to make you realise how lucky you were in England.
Well I hope it all works out for you anyway. just think what you'd want for your kids and how happy you'd be if they went off to get a better life.
Lots of luck, Noodle
Sep 24th 2003, 6:20 pm
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Re: What do I say to Mum and Dad?
Trickytree
I grew up without seeing my Grandparents very often, as they were the other side of the country, but it did me no harm. I'm sure you're kids will be fine
Noodle
I grew up without seeing my Grandparents very often, as they were the other side of the country, but it did me no harm. I'm sure you're kids will be fine
Noodle
Sep 24th 2003, 6:39 pm
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Re: What do I say to Mum and Dad?
Originally posted by Tazzy
My husband and I are in the early stages of thinking about emigrating to Oz. We have a 9 month old little boy and its my parents first and only grand child. I mentioned to my dad that we are about to apply for an application form today. You should have seen his face. I thought he was going to cry there and then. I now feel so guilty about leaving them. Has anyone else had the same reaction from family? How have people dealt with emotional parents? Advice greatly appreciated!!
My husband and I are in the early stages of thinking about emigrating to Oz. We have a 9 month old little boy and its my parents first and only grand child. I mentioned to my dad that we are about to apply for an application form today. You should have seen his face. I thought he was going to cry there and then. I now feel so guilty about leaving them. Has anyone else had the same reaction from family? How have people dealt with emotional parents? Advice greatly appreciated!!
Sep 24th 2003, 6:58 pm
#13
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Re: What do I say to Mum and Dad?
PJK
My godmother moved to Sydney a few years ago with her kids who were age 7, 9 1/2 and 12. the eldest was a boy who found it really difficult as he'd just started high school and was a keen member of his local football club. Also leaving all his mates was apparently hard, yet a year later he had completely adjusted. As long as you are a strong and happy family, I'm sure the kids will be fine. I moved to a different area and school at that age aswell and I made great friends.
Good luck, Noodle
My godmother moved to Sydney a few years ago with her kids who were age 7, 9 1/2 and 12. the eldest was a boy who found it really difficult as he'd just started high school and was a keen member of his local football club. Also leaving all his mates was apparently hard, yet a year later he had completely adjusted. As long as you are a strong and happy family, I'm sure the kids will be fine. I moved to a different area and school at that age aswell and I made great friends.
Good luck, Noodle
Sep 24th 2003, 7:12 pm
#14
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Re: What do I say to Mum and Dad?
I have to say that is the exact reason my wife is hesitating I may be being selfish, but my mum and dad died a few years ago (very young) but I know one thing they would have backed me all the way, I have 3 children and want a better life for them as well as my wife and me, the only thing holding my wife back now is what her mums reaction is going to be.
When we were first married we went to the states for a few months, guess what her mum said? I quote " If you loved your family you wouldnt leave" how narrow-minded can you be, needless to say we went anyway, unfortunately it didnt work out and we came back, but now we have the chance to go to Victoria on a STNI visa and my wife is worried that her Mum will freak. What I say is that for once in "OUR" lives let us think about ourselves.
She is still dreading that moment!
Also my wife worries that she will not see her mum and dad again as they are now getting on a bit.
But as a previous reply said it is only 24 hours away and cheaper than a fortnight in Spain to visit us.
Am I being selfish as my parents aren't here any more?
Sep 24th 2003, 7:35 pm
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Re: What do I say to Mum and Dad?
Hi Dicko
yeah, you are being selfish in a way, but it depends how close your wife is with her parents. if your parents were still around, would you be feeling the same? I completely agree about the narrow mindedness of the in-laws, my family are only thinking how awful it would be not to see my little boys growing up, never mind their lives. My eldest will really miss his family, but I hope to give him better things and a better way of life within our family so as that won't be so important. it might not work out and we'll have to go back, but it's something I have to try for a couple of years to ensure that I am doing the right thing fo rmy family.
Nicole
yeah, you are being selfish in a way, but it depends how close your wife is with her parents. if your parents were still around, would you be feeling the same? I completely agree about the narrow mindedness of the in-laws, my family are only thinking how awful it would be not to see my little boys growing up, never mind their lives. My eldest will really miss his family, but I hope to give him better things and a better way of life within our family so as that won't be so important. it might not work out and we'll have to go back, but it's something I have to try for a couple of years to ensure that I am doing the right thing fo rmy family.
Nicole