Visitors!
 

Hi all,
Has anyone got any advice about when visitors come to stay? We have had a few friends come over and stay for 2-6 nights and no-one seems to think anything of eating/drinking and having a great visit when we are on a tight budget to start with.
We are also building a bigger house and I am starting to think that new house rules would be good before more people decide to come and stay.
It sounds incredibly un-charitable especially at this festive time - but I would be interested in what other people have done or think!
Cheers
charlotte

Re: Visitors!
 

Welcome your visitors- if they are rellies then you shouldn't charge. Serve meals within your budget, lock away the spirits and if they notice then they could buy you a bottle or three.:thumbup: With others well it depends how friendly you are. You can always get them to bring a plate if they are dinner guests. Long stayers are tricky....some don't take gentle hints:blink:
Anyway you can always turn up and camp with them. (revenge???)

Re: Visitors!
 

Perhaps folk who stay believe at some time in the future you'll go and stay with them and will think that you won't think anything of eating/drinking and having a great visit with them? Maybe they also think that if you can afford to build a larger house, money is not an issue.

Re: Visitors!
 

It is rude of them to assume money isnt an issue though, no matter where you live or how you live, you live within your budget.

A relative of mine wanted to spend a month with us, she wouldnt understand that when I get in at 6.30pm after leaving the house at 6.20am, that I wouldnt want to go clubbing.

She wouldnt understand that she couldnt eat us out of house and home, take god knows how many 20 min showers and bump up our consumption bill.

She still doesnt understand that despite having bought a house, we are living on a tight budget and sometimes have no money left at the end of the month.

Her attitude is 'I am family and you will find the money from somewhere'.

Well we dont have a 'somewhere', we can live OK, we dont have a car, we work long hours to pay the mortgage, have very little savings and cannot affort to be used as a guest house.

I believe if someone is going to travel to the other side of the world to see you, then they are not going to want any restrictions imposed on them. As in no smoking, respecting the fact we are in bed early, etc.

To me it is rude to assume you can stay anywhere, it is polite to be invited and I am totally mortified at anyone assuming they can stay rent free and that the people they are staying with have a bottomless pit for a wallet.

I like to pay my way, respect the rules of the house, but most of all it is polite to be invited.

Re: Visitors!
 

Well we have a busy first part of 2009 as far as visitors are concerned!

We are booked out from March until June, I think I will have a few more grey hairs soon.

My parents and sister can't afford it and it's them that I really want to see :(

Re: Visitors!
 

We always try to chip in when we stay with friends and family if they will not let us then we take them out for a slap up meal for something like that. Also usually buy stuff and bring it in.

That said as we are older now we prefer to stay independently and visit as we like our own space even if it does cost us more. Just the freedom of going back to ours wherever it is, is so much better.

My oh has many Aussi relatives as my mother-in-law from a large family and her eldest brother came here to build the Harbour Bridge in Sydney and hence she put up lots of Aussies over the years. One stuck in her mind, stayed for months and never gave her a penny, she never said anything but its wrong and we should bring our children up to know this is wrong.

:thumbsup:

Re: Visitors!
 

I think its funny how when you move here everyone suddenly wants to come and visit you.

It is exceptionally rude to assume you can stay, and worse still, it is common courtesy to abide by the rules of the house you are staying at, and to remember that the people you are staying with live there, it is their everyday lives, they are not on holiday.

Most of all, pay your way.

Re: Visitors!
 

You lay down the rules before they arrive...
1 - You work daily, so will have to go to bed early and would appreciate if they could please keep the volume down on the TV, etc after a certain hour.
2 - You have to pay for food, so they will chip in an amount equal to their share of the weekly shop
3 - You have to pay for alcohol, so they will chip in for their share of anything they drink
4 - Dishes and housework do not do themselves. They will do their fair share of the clearing up and/or cooking
5 - Respect and treat my animals the way I would. i.e. Do not feed them anything, do not allow the dog on the furniture and if you see that they need out then open the door.
6 - No, you may not borrow my car, but I will give you a public transit map or drive you to the car rental agency to pick up your own car, whichever is easier for you

Those are the rules for visitors to our house and it seems to work out just fine. They're also the general rules we abide by when we visit other people. Generally, if visitors don't like our rules we will point them in the direction of the nearest B&B or hotel.

Re: Visitors!
 

I think PP and Dorothy are spot on, you need to have a very frank conversation before visitors arrive, being very nice but very honest about how things have to be. Might not be a comfortable conversation but a damn sight easier than either being frustrated to death and resenting them or getting so frustrated that it blows up and becomes a major issue. Depends who your visitors are though I would have to say, would never need to have that conversation with my parents or my OH's parents as I would give and do anything for them but they wouldn't dream of behaving like that anyway.

I would never ever stay with someone for any length of time without chipping in to food and bills, unfortunately there are always people out there who are willing to take advantage and act like its their god given right to bludge off others when they know damn fine how much it costs to buy food etc. You want to enjoy your visitors, not resent them and dread them coming because you know its going to cost you a fortune. It does always cost more when they are here regardless of them chipping in or not because you tend to go out more and do things you maybe wouldn't generally do yourselves but I don't mind that.

To be honest this isn't a problem I've had, my parents and my OH's parents are the only visitors we've had so far both have been here twice and they both buy shopping all the time.

Re: Visitors!
 

Visitors mean your bank balance has gone, all your holidays from work will be used but not on your holidays on driving them round the local sights, then they will drink all your beer. They will do shifts starting at 6am until about 8pm second shift starts about 10am until 1am or when your beer runs out,but you cant go to bed it would be rude so you are down to about 6hrs sleep a day. The good ones will get you fish & chips on the day they go home to say thanks.Think we are due mum & dad soon "its to hot" "its to hot" its all coming back to me now 4 weeks of it:frown::frown:

Re: Visitors!
 

Funny how since people found out I'm moving to Oz, I have an awful lot more friends than I originally thought. "oh laura we'll really miss you, but we'll come visit."

I say, ok but i'm not hotel...there are thousands of places to stay in sydney and i will not have the room or the money to put them up!! The only exception being close family, e.g my sister, my parents - but even they have offered to stay in a hotel so I don't feel like I'm a hotel.

My true friends wouldn't unthinkingly impose. My close family, I wouldn't call it imposing. Other people are not close enough friends to stay, and therefore I won't be letting them take me for all I'm worth!

lerato

Re: Visitors!
 

Hi - I think your rules sound perfect and I had thought that this was probably the way forward - but how do you let them know? My in laws have just left after 6 weeks and MIL replaced the empty bottle of lea &perrins and nothing else! At least this visit we wised up a little and didn't buy the booze too, and on a bottle of wine each for them a night minimum that was a good idea! I don't resent family so much as it is a long way and very expensive to visit, it's just so annoying to be the chief bottle washer and cook (and they just sit there and watch) when we all work really hard to afford what we want in life. I guess because we are building the big house it looks like we are ok, but that's not the case and it's our decision to put our money into bricks and mortar rather than latte's and paninis's!!

Thanks for the advice, I will need to sort something out, otherwise I will age even more!!
Cheers Charlotte

Re: Visitors!
 

I would say don't have ppl come and stay with you, point them to the nearest b&b :)
save your sanity and your pocket !!!

But then I've been singing bah humbug today too so maybe don't listen to me:eek:

Re: Visitors!
 

When they say they would like to come visit you tell them you would love to have them stay, but there are a few house rules. Make sure they know what's expected before they book their tickets so there can be no misunderstandings.

Re: Visitors!
 

We had relatives visit recently for 2 weeks - during that time they made 54 phone calls to the UK from our phone without asking and while we were at work. We didn't find out until the phone bill came in a month later. The buggers!

Since this, my hubby keeps saying he wants to turn our 4 bedroom house into a 1 bedroom house so that if visitors really insist on staying with us they'll have to sleep on the floor and hopefully wont stay very long.

Re: Visitors!
 

Send them the bill for the calls.:mad:

Re: Visitors!
 

You have just reminded me of someone on here who actually downsized from their house to a one bedroom so noone could stay. If you go back on various threads, there are some shocking stories of what visitors have done.:eek:

Re: Visitors!
 

While of course the visitors are to blame for their appallling behaviours, the visitees are also to blame for allowing these types of behaviour. Drinking all your booze, eating all your food, expecting to be catered to at all times. It's rediculous just how many people try to take advantage...And how many allow it! For goodness sake people. Grow a backbone and stick up for yourselves!

Send a copy of the phone bill to the relatives who made the calls with a note explaining that while it was nice to have them come and stay you don't feel you should have to pay for them to make long distance phone calls without your prior consent.

Re: Visitors!
 

It is very very hard to say anything in these situations.

I am thinking that the next time non-family ask to come and stay, I am going to say "due to previous experience, all visitors must now pay $500 per person per week in advance. Their stay will then include all food and drink and tea and coffee and toilet paper and laundry detergent and electricity and gas and water and petrol etc etc etc"

Buzzy

Re: Visitors!
 

That sounds like a very good idea :thumbsup: I think they forget about the rise in utility bills (for long stays).

Re: Visitors!
 

visitors are like dead fish, after 3 days they stink!

Re: Visitors!
 

Def make up some rules.
We had MIL over a few months ago and it went better than expected. As they were only with us a short time we didnt ask for anything. However a couple of days after they left an envelope arrived with their board money in it:eek:
They must have posted it at the airport. Hubby wanted them to stay as our guests as it was short trip. But its nice to know that not everyone takes advantage.

I lived in Europe for a while before coming to WA, and have to admit my relatives treated it like a hotel! My sister was worst culprit and did nothing but insult us and take advantage.

Ive since decided if they come to OZ, we will have rules.

Gems

Re: Visitors!
 

I love these posts. I suppose because deep down you go over what you would do in that situation, so WHEN it happens to you, you have thought about it and are a bit more prepared.

Was just saying to hubbie I hope nobody tries to supprise us with a Christmas visit, our house is a tip!

Re: Visitors!
 

Its all good advice, but I think the thing is that you just get through the 'visit' and then at the end you think 'oh my goodness'! I am a real push over but I can't keep grafting so blinking hard and watching other people have a right old time. New house rules will definitely be imposed and its great advice to make sure people are clear before they have booked tickets or spent money. I am cautious about a fixed rate as I feel then they will expect a hotel and it's not that i want to make money but just not be bankrupted at the end! Good luck to everyone that has guests, it sound like some are fantastic and some are FAR worse than mine.
happy christmas too!
x

Re: Visitors!
 

They will anyway, even if you charge nothing.

Buzzy

Re: Visitors!
 

I've only had one lot of visitors, my sister and her mob - 2 adults, 3 kids. I read all these kind of posts beforehand and worried about what it was going to be like, but it was fab, maybe I'm just lucky, but they helped with meals, the kids did all the washing up etc like they do at home, they paid for most of the food, we shared the cost of all the places we visited, and it worked really well - no formal agreement, it just worked out that way - my sister and I even ended up squabbling at checkouts cos she kept insisting on paying :lol:

Re: Visitors!
 

Totally agree.... I can't quite understand it myself. We've had all the parents over and have had no problems. I always tell them what's expected before they come over just to clear up any misunderstandings before they happen. Even though they're my parents I don't expect them to know the rules in our house.

The first time I have anyone over in my house (whether just visiting for an hour or staying) I will get them a drink and show them where to find the cups/drinks, etc. Then I tell them after that if you want a drink feel free to grab it yourself because I'll likely forget. Oddly enough I never have anyone asking me for a drink, they just get it themselves!

So far all our visitors have done their own laundry and cleaned up after themselves. They usually help me with dinner and cleanup and do odd jobs as well. So far my dad's been here for 2 weeks and he's cleaned our pool several times, cleaned all our outdoor furniture & sunshade and even sprayed the outside for ants. I didn't ask for any of it, he just likes to help out (and I suspect keep himself busy!).

Re: Visitors!
 

I was going to ask how your Dad's visit is going. He's sure to be glad he's not home right now with the cold and snow, eh? I was back 2 weeks ago and it was in the -1 to +8 range with no snow. (well, except for the day we went shopping in Buffalo when it was -30 with a -40 wind chill.)

Re: Visitors!
 

Having the rellies over turns out to be a nightmare at times. When we came to Perth on a reccie we stayed in a backpackers place as i didn't fancy staying in the in-laws house. I like my own space.
But family are over now and although they are staying with BIL we have taken them out for meals and they never pay towards anything. I don't understand why they come on hoilday and expect free everything else too:confused:

Re: Visitors!
 

That's because you are both very nice people (and I know cause I've met them both) who have manners - it's a shame everyone is not like this.

Re: Visitors!
 

I think you lot must have very strange families. My family, even if they ate at my house (well more than a couple of times) would either buy food or offer money, but for a meal out none of us would ever expect to not pay their share, unless one had made it clear, after a fight, that it was their treat.

I suppose we are quite lucky in that we moved 200 miles away from my family, so we alreay know what they are like to have visit just for a few days. I must say my husband is normally the worst behaved one. He sulks at not having his own space.

Re: Visitors!
 

my mum & stepdad came out for the first time (and last me thinks:() this time last year, it was a total disaster resulting in me & my stepdad not speaking since they left and me and my mum rarely speaking now:thumbdown:

He nit picked at everything he could and after three weeks of it I couldn't hold my tongue anymore, they even went out and bought some tumbler style glasses because 'we didn't have suitable ones' for their orange juice that they had in the morning :ohmy: That of course was the orange juice that they had to have before the cup of tea, then the cereal followed by the toast (left to cool to the correct temperature of course) then finished with the filter coffee:curse: all served by.........me:eek:

please god if i get like that shoot me:blink:

Re: Visitors!
 

Next time (if there is one) remind them to bring their own butler and chef, or they can check themselves into a hotel.

Happy holidays.

Mrs JTL

Re: Visitors!
 

Got my MIL here for Xmas. Yesterday she got up at 11am and had breakfast, shortly followed by lunch. Then at dinner time, she was too full to eat more than a sandwich, Ok.... until midnight when I was flagging - after being up since 8am when she demanded a meal as she was hungry.:blink:

This morning she got up at 12.30pm!!! I refused to make her breakfast and made her wait an hour for lunch on the grounds that she had to fit in with everybody else. She didn't like it one bit. Teehee. (You notice she didn't try to get herself something.:unsure:)

I told her she had to be up by 9am for breakfast tomorrow or she'd miss it... :rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:

God knows how you manage with someone like her for months on end???:unsure::blink::mad:

Re: Visitors!
 

we are having a wonderful christmas this year this happend to us last year.:ohmy:
link to post
http://britishexpats.com/forum/showt...hlight=marissa

Re: Visitors!
 

Don't forget to allow for jet lag for the first few days, though. When I was in Canada earlier this month my schedule was off for the first 2 or 3 days while I adjusted. Mind you, though, I did get my own breakfast and lunch when I was hungry.

Re: Visitors!
 

Hi Fly Away, :)

Was wondering how things were going!! Why not set an alarm clock outside of the room at 8.45am!!!:rofl::rofl:

Re: Visitors!
 

Unbloodybelievable.

Why does she expect you to get her food? That beggars belief!:mad:

Serve her up something really tasteless and tell her that is all you know how to cook.

Re: Visitors!
 

I recently had a visitor to stay for three weeks. She was very generous financially but after the first fun week, things really started to slide downhill.

My main problem is that one night she sat at the dinner table with a bottle of wine beside her (up until then it had been a two or three glasses a night) and worked her way through it, this was repeated the next night and probably would have continued the following night if we hadn't run out of wine. I wasn't comfortable with this, I didn't want to sit around with someone who was pissed, whether she was being disagreeable or even if she was being more sociable.

She is coming again in April for 6 weeks. Is it reasonable to say this is my home and lay down a rule about how much drinking I'm comfortable with or is it unfair to ask someone who's on holiday to limit their drinking? Has anyone else had a similar conversation with their relatives? If I decide to tackle it I'm dreading it and I don't know where to start but I think I have to because I can't face 6 weeks of tension!!

Re: Visitors!
 

Just been reading the previous thread on this topic from Xmas 2007, problem visitors seems to have been a problem for as long as there's been ex-pats ...I am thinking about printing all this off, highlighting any particularly relevent sections, putting it in a folder and leaving it in the guest room LOL!