ELLJAY

Ooooo think..think!

I was there December 1991 - Dec 1992

And may i add......a good time was had by all

iPom

Absolutely agree with this Vanessa. It is selfish of them, expecting you to be there to sort their problems out and to make things better for them.
You are going to have to tell them that you are not planning on returning to the UK because Australia is simply better for the children and you guys.

There are parents who put terrible responsibilities on their children but the bottom line is that you were not born to sign a contract of responsibility for your parents or your siblings. I don't mean that you shouldn't feel responsible for helping them out in their old age or helping to care for them, but I am talking about sticking around in the same country, being there for your siblings who are being divorced, being there to make people feel whole etc. This is simply not your responsibility ... it is theirs.

You are also not responsible for their happiness. I'm sorry to hear about your father and the anti-depressants, but that should have been your father's business, not yours. What on earth were they thinking telling you such an appalling thing? I'm not surprised you feel guilty, given the load they've heaped on your shoulders! That was his problem and should have been kept private between him and your mum.

Children are lovely and we have them to please ourselves in the beginning, but we don't make them grow up to be a salve to our misery. We give them the best we can, make them into the best adults we can and then we let them go to be sucessful human beings. Anything else is purely selfish.

The boundaries in your family seem blurred and there exists a family pattern (all families have them) where you seem to be being held responsible for everyone elses happiness. I doubt for one minute you speaking to your brother will have one blind bit of difference to his marriage, and whatever the story there, there's always two sides. Like depression medication, divorce is something that is best left to the people who are directly involved.

Your mother seems to want to pressure you to come back because she feels this will make her happier. That is purely an illusion! Whether you are in the country or not, she will still be in the same state she is now... she's an unhappy person who feels the need to use guilt to control other people so that she will feel secure. Happiness exists within though, and is not entirely reliant on the presence of other people.
Your mother is probably (at a guess) pressuring your brother to ask you to come back too. She knows how to play the family game. All families play these games ... I know I can rely on my sister to tell all my private details to my aunt, which will be then relayed onto my mother .... when you know what your family game is, you can avoid playing it. You are playing it because you haven't yet told them you're staying in Australia because you don't want to cause more misery!
It's a bit of a circle isn't it!?!

But you are an adult in your own right and you have the authority to make your own life decisions without gaining the approval of other people. The longer you leave it, the more your mother will continue to pressure others and you into doing what she wants and the longer you will feel the guilt she is loading onto you.
The bottom line is that you have nothing to feel gulty for, so pick up that phone, be firm, have a chat and resolve this feeling... And when it comes to further guilt as there no doubt will be, learn to recognize the cues of the 'family game' so that you can avoid playing it and repeating the same 'family pattern' that you've all always done.

Best wishes to you and well done for sticking it out so long, but for the sake of your family, it's time to do the right thing for them.

iPom

Ah, BINGO! Sorry I didn't read this bit before Fiona ... Here's the start of your family's pattern and it seems your mother has taken on the role of your grandparents and is really talking about her experiences as her sister did her own thing ....it's not you at all that's the problem, as such! Your mum obviously has some unresolved issues from this time.... maybe her parents were difficult to live with, or maybe they made her feel responsible and now she's doing the same to you?
And your mum would 'never do that' even though her parents are long gone? Why is she still holding a torch for them in this way?
Isn't it odd they see your Aunt as causing all the problems when in fact, it was their reaction to a situation that caused the problems?



LOL - she realy needs to speak to someone, but she sounds like my mother and probably never will.

Gosh, what an interesting and amazing thing! (Sorry, but I find people fascinating!)

Fiona&malc

Thanks Ipom, i appreciate all that, i'll just have to try and pluck up the courage and spell out the fact that we have no plans at the moment to return, i'll maybe need a bottle of wine beforehand tho to give me some dutch courage so i dont bottle it !!!

ELLJAY

I find a "box" of wine always works well.

good luck...l-j

Fiona&malc

[QUOTE=iPom]Ah, BINGO! Sorry I didn't read this bit before Fiona ... Here's the start of your family's pattern and it seems your mother has taken on the role of your grandparents and is really talking about her experiences as her sister did her own thing ....it's not you at all that's the problem, as such! Your mum obviously has some unresolved issues from this time.... maybe her parents were difficult to live with, or maybe they made her feel responsible and now she's doing the same to you?
And your mum would 'never do that' even though her parents are long gone? Why is she still holding a torch for them in this way?
Isn't it odd they see your Aunt as causing all the problems when in fact, it was their reaction to a situation that caused the problems?


I never thought of it that way, its funny how sometimes you need someone else to look at situation and tell you how it is, thanks

Fiona&malc

hehe

The Johnstons

Hi Fiona

I don't have any other advice to offer as I agree with what everyone else has said. I'm in exactly the same position as you, our mothers sound like they're from the same mould lol! My mum is convinced we're coming 'home' to Scotland and to be honest it's not going to happen. It's difficult to actually come out with the words and tell them though, the guilt is unbearable and you just know they'll be crushed. I just keep telling myself, it's my life, they've made their choices, we've made ours, and hope that one day I'll believe it.

All the best to you, I hope things improve soon.

Tracey

Fiona&malc

Thanks Tracey

Katsmajics other half !!!

Thats awful of your family to do that to you !!!!!


The reason we move to Oz or other places for that matter is to give ourlseves and our kids a better lifestyle.
And it isnt our/your place to sort out other ppls relationships, surely they are big enough and grown up enuff to sort it for themselves.
I moved away from my family in Derbyshire to be with my Mrs in Cheltenham and tell you what its the best thing i ever did, now were wanting to move to Oz.
I am far enough out of the way not to get involved in all the squablling that goes on, but i keep in touch with my mum every couple of days.

You guys make sure your happy and dnt let anyone interupt that happiness, your only here once it aint no rehearsal.

cranni

ADONT apologise for this, we are here for you on good days and bad.
This is a bad time for you, and what your family is doing is very selfish.
Would the situation be different if you was there , NO.
I f you went back, you would end up resenting them.
So sweetie, get on with your life, enjoy it, and put your own family first.
You can still be an ear to listen, even at the end of the world.
Dont feel guilty for making your life better.
Denise

DunRoaminTheUK

All I can say is that it beggars belief. Maybe the solution is to get your parents to come to you?

How can people be so selfish as to place this kind of unneccessary and completely unfair guilt onto you?

Maybe you need to do a short-trip home to either dicuss your parents moving to you or to discuss the situation with a view to ending up with a definitive solution or understanding?

This kind of thread makes me see red. Why are some adults prepared to act so childishly and selfishly?

iPom

Because some of them are still children?

Fiona&malc

just spoken to mum on the webcam there, she was giving me an update on how my brother is (understandably) heartbroken and then she came out with the comment.... well thats me and your dad back to having no grandchildren !!!! i got really angry at this and told her that regardless of what happens or where in the world we are, our 2 children and my brothers child will ALWAYS be their grandchildren, ive got a bloody thunping headache now, talk about making you mad

im off to have some panadol and a glass of wine

cranni

oh you poor thing, chill.
sending you some Karma
Denise