jon.n.bec

Hello, been thinking about this quite a bit recently and wondered if anyone had any advice/ thoughts on the matter.

We would like to emigrate some time next year. When my teenage son has finished year 11 here in the UK and we have sold our recently bought house! The problem is he doesn't want to leave the UK, he has known a move maybe on the cards since 2007 and has never wanted to go and will not even discuss it. I've tried putting it to him that it will be an adventure and if he tries it and doesn't like it there will be the option for him to return to England etc. etc. This week he has announced that he is staying on at college (thats attached to his school), for year 12 and 13, and has been to see the college principal to get the ball rolling and find out what he needs to do to get in. THis is quite a big shock as he had always said he didn't want to go to the college, i get the feeling he's using it as an excuse to put us off Australia.

So when the time comes (i doubt very much that his mind will be changed) what do i do?

1. Drag him on the plane and tell him he's got no choice.

2. Cancel all of our plans and hard work over the last 5 years because of a spoilt teenager.

3. Leave him behind!

The problem is he will be 16 maybe 17 when we leave, and he knows his rights! He has already been to the police to find out his options, which are that when he is 16 he can leave home legally. I'm really struggling with ideas to convince him to give it a go at the moment.

Has anyone else faced a similar problem?

Thanks, Bec

-Marie-

have pmd u. hope ur well
big hugs xx

jon.n.bec

Yes thanks Marie pm'd you back, did send you msg a couple of weeks ago think i clicked email rather than pm though so don't know if you got it, to let you know that we got CO at last!!!!

Looking forward to next meet up to here all about the reccie, have a safe trip xxx

moneypenny20

Yup lots unfortunately, but at the end of the day it's your family that has to make the decision. On the one hand, if you force him (don't quite see how you can at his age) he is likely to make your lives miserable and you'll all end up moving back because you can't deal with the stress. Any minor problems will take giant proportions because of the stress. On the other hand, if you leave him behind with bad feeling, you'll be miserable and miss him and could end up moving back because you can't cope with living so far away from him. No winners. Also if you decide to stay, you 'could' find yourselves bitter towards him at various times and that's not healthy either.

However, if he were able to agree to validate his visa (if he's not already) and you can find a place for him to live where you either know the people well or you're happy for him to bed, if he can satisfy you that this is really what he wants and put money in an account for easy trips back and forward, if he's adult enough to deal with stuff on his own, or with family close by, I think you have to let those apron strings go.

At some point he will up and leave, whether you stay or not. I'm sincerely glad I'm not in your position and hope like hell I never am. Hope you can sort something out.

Good luck.

Cheetah7

Not much you can do if he is 16 and refusing to go with regards to forcing him. You have to weigh up now this is your opportunity to emigrate and your son is at an age now where he will go his own way in life, albeit a bit sooner than you would have liked but he will do what he wants anyway.

I guess you continue with your plans and take the pressure off him and say you are going, you would like him to go with you but understand that he doesnt want to and you will help him explore options as to where he will live and help him budget financially for supporting himself while he studies.

He may not have a clue about the enormity of staying behind on his own but it is his first major grown up decision so just offer to support him in organising it and say if he changes his mind he can come at a later date but he will have to think with regards to somewhere to live, finances and you will do your best to help.

But to be honest, I wouldnt cancel your plans for a young adult who has already begun to exercise his right to say no, just as you are exercising your right to take up a chance to live somewhere else.

Good luck.

Rambi

My choice would be to set him up with relatives and leave him behind. But we are all different.

The legal position is odd. Legally he can't leave home without parent's permission. However in reality this is never (or certainly rarely) legally enforced.

jon.n.bec

Thanks for your thoughts everyone.

My husband wouldn't think twice about leaving him behind, not because he doesn't love him but because he would prefer a quiet life, without the additional stress. Me however, i am a bit softer and could say 'yes, leave him behind', however in reality i don't know how i would cope with this and maybe it wouldn't help any homesickness etc.

The funny thing is when we first talked of leaving the UK years ago it seemed so simple as we don't really have any family (close family), so the leaving family and friends thing didn't really apply. Wish we did have family now as leaving Jack with family could have been an option. My mum would love to have him stay with her, he's always been her favourite and spoilt by her, the only problem is she lives in Mayo, Ireland, and there is no way that he would agree to go there!

My latest idea was for him to meet other teenagers that are moving or have moved and getting chatting to them online, he's always on facebook and chat to his friends, so i thought this was a good idea, but his answer was 'NO', why would he want to do that! Seems i can't win at the moment.

CEM

I agree with what the others have already said. You can't force him to get on a plane and go with you, so you need to make your own decision then work around that.
My husband's nephew and niece had to live by themselves from the age of 16 because their mother wasn't able to look after them herself. They were housed in a shared house by social services. I don't know if it'd be worth talking to them in your area. They might not be able to help because the circumstances are different, but it might be worth getting an idea from them?

The other thing I thought of was, would your son consider going to one of the state boarding schools for 6th form, if that's an option for you? You have to pay the boarding fees (around 8,500 gbp per annum), but the tuition is still free. It's still a lot of money, but another idea. There are a few around the country and they seem to do well.

If that's not an option, maybe talk to his present headmaster and see what options he may have. You can't be the first to have had to leave a teenager behind in a move.

Perhaps once your son has had the opportunity to live by himself for a couple of years, he might decide to follow you to Australia (once it's his decision, rather than parent pressure. I've got three teenagers and know I have to let them think some things are their ideas rather than mine!!)

Try to get him to look at the options, rather than you. He will know he has to have somewhere to live, have to get himself to college etc. Ask him to show you how he'll manage everything. Perhaps when he realises how hard it will be he might be a bit more flexible, instead of saying no to your ideas.

Good luck - I don't envy you. I think I'll be travelling backwards and forwards to Aus in the future because at least one of my lot will have decided to live there and at least one will be in the UK/Europe.

Jan n Neil

Iv,e got one of those as well, it,s harsh but leave him you cannot live your life round the ungratefull little tossers. If he met a bird next year he would be gone without a second thought then where would you be if you hadn,t followed your dreams ?

Neil

Rambi

My mum took in one of my brother's friends when he was 16 because his parents had to go to the other side of the country for work and he had just started a local apprenticeship.

I know it's a lot further to Aus but as yer man says above, he might change his plans on a whim.

quoll

Educationally he is actually being quite sensible - at his age, moving to Aus is difficult and he would really be far better finishing A levels so perhaps your compromise position could be that he validates his visa by a quick trip here with you and you will support him in finishing A levels. He then has the opportunity to either go to uni in UK or in Aus as he will be a permanent resident and by then he may see things your way - or not.

Personally I wouldnt be bringing a kid over at that age anyway, A levels travel to Aus very well and can actually be a benefit as it generally takes lower grades at A levels for equivalent courses here in Aus.

eddie007

We dragged Kevin here... She was working at the time.. Aged just 17... Deal was she could go back when She was eighteen providing she could support herself.... Had a year or so of issues, but now she is settled and happy twenty summit... Wouldnt go back to live for all the tea in china...

They grow up and leave home, go off to uni ... Move in with friends... Go travelling.. But that doesnt make your decision any easier...

brissybee

This is a problem I may face going the other way one day, so, first up, my sympathies.

However, having been in your son's situation, I really sympathise with him too. I did not want to move, but had to. I didn't like when I arrived but felt compelled to stay for my family.

I take my hat off to your son for having the courage of his convictions. In my opinion, he is not a "spoilt teenager", he is just a young man who does not agree with your major life changing decisions.

I wish you all the very best.

jon.n.bec

I agree with what you are saying, only 'educationally he is not being sensible', he's being awkward. The reason i am saying this is that he has never shown an interest in going to uni and i know that he would not stick it, (i'd love him to prove me wrong), he has never been academic but more of a sporty person, his homework is virtually all copy and paste, pay a mate to do it etc. or anything he can do to get it out the way as quickly as possible so he can concentrate on doing what he wants, it is a constant battle to get him to revise and do school work and is absolutely draining. Without me being there on his back 24/7 he would fail miserably at school, and even he would agree with this. We pay for private tutors etc. who can't believe how clever he is when he puts his mind to it, the problem is he is lazy, unable to focus, and can't concentrate for more than 30 seconds without someone next to him nagging. So leaving him to complete any kind of study without us would honestly be a waste of our money. His brother is the complete opposite and is very studious, and a very hard worker at school, always getting awards and apparently 'a fantastic role model to his peers' (that was his last award), he came home from school with a different trophy yesterday, so the conclusion i've come to bringing up 3 boys in exactly the same way is that it's in their nature to be how they are, they are all different and believe me we've tried to change Jack with regard to his school work and attitude but it's just the way he is. I know him well and know that by him suddenly wanting to go to college is him trying to put another spanner in the works for us rather than wanting to carry on with his education.

moneypenny20

Call his bluff then. (not saying I would but........)