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Re: Teenager problems
Weve explored mental health issues already - her therapist said shes emotionally disturbed, and will never come through it until shes ready to address her problems. i know that emotionally she is retarded to 6yrs old, apparently people/children can stop developing emotionally at the age the suffered abuse/trauma, weve tried to help her address her demons - she isnt ready, but she cant address the fact she cannot abuse people herself just because she has suffered.
her tantrums are totally toddler/child like, but due to her age/size/strength it is totally unacceptable. I was home from hospital for 2 days, in plastercast when she shoved me over onto the sofa (thankgoodness) and pummelled my head/face/body with a cushion. because id said no to giving her money... i simply cannot take anymore, and im not letting our lives here become totally miserable because of her. Thanks to all who have replied, when i say we discussed going to the uk i didnt mean permenantly for us - purely to take her there and leave her, not indefinately..im still her mum, but just til shes rejoined the human race.. we (2lil uns, koh & i) are amazingly happy here, oldest boy is happy and enjoys school...he says hes looking forward to having a future... |
Re: Teenager problems
Originally Posted by katsmajic
(Post 6346827)
(Mods i didnt know where to put this, so please move it if its in wrong forum)
Ok, teenage daughter - i know i joke about wanting rid of her - but underneath im totally serious. Dont judge me as you really dont know or understand what weve been through with her... i just want some advice - please. We had a hell of a time getting her to come - she ran away - moved out - attacked me,koh and her bro several times - we worked really hard with her key worker,school and her to make progress with her - and we got her to agree to validate and stay a couple of months to give it a try. We all got here, and the teenagers loved it...great we thought. 5 days in they dont come home - im up all night freaking, calling police hospitals etc - and they roll in at 9am, say sorry and expect all to be hunky doory... we then set firm guidelines of our expectations/rules etc. which is no different to the uk - but weve relaxed them a bit for them as they found it hard to follow rules before (in by 9pm school nights, 11 at weekends, no sleepouts without prior arrangement, no smoking around the house/us/lil kids, no drinking, keep room clean, washup once a week etc - nowt too hard) The boy has followed the rules to the letter - she however has gone on a mission to destroy everything. she doesnt come home at night, screams/shouts abuse at us, she was at school for 4 days last week - i got 3 calls home about her wagging and her foul attitude, then got called in to the principal on monday - the school want to work with her to help her settle which is good of them but thats not the problem though - shes so settled its scary. Her attitude is shes almost 16, she has a life, she doenst give a f**k what we say we cant stop her from living her life her way. Shes smoking, drinking (nowt new there) no idea how shes funding it as we do not give her a penny/cent now... its actually nice in our home when she doesnt come home! last thurs night she attacked her bro for using a text on their phone (we gave them $100 each to get phones, they decided to get one together and spend the rest of the $ - thats their problem etc not ours) hes very chilled and just held her off - she waited and then launched at him and was strangling him - to the point he was almost passing out by the time koh got her off him, she then went hell for leather on koh, hes covered in bruises, he pinned her til shes stopped freaking and then she ran away.came home a couple of hours later..wouldnt talk, called koh a child abuser, me a whore and other lovely comments...she then wagged most of school fri and went awol for the weekend - despite us telling her she was grounded etc... she rolled up 11pm on sunday, wanting feeding washing done etc...mon am hell let loose as she'd left her straighteners/hairbrush at mates and 10yr old wouldnt let her use her brush (bear in mind oldest d takes all hairbrushes out with her at weekends and leaves lil un with nothing - she had to go 2 days the weekend before without brushing her hair then i got her a new brush and told her to hide it) she smacks lil un round the head/face etc and we had a massive row - again.. mon pm she didnt come home - rolled in at 10 am yest, made her go to school - she did go after she gave me loads of abuse...ive laid down the laws til im blue in the face - get told to get f**ked, said shes gotta show some respect etc etc...she came home at 7pm, wanting feeding, told her shes grounded and to respect that and have a fresh start next monday and try to all get along...told to get f**ked again she went out (for a jog yeh right) came back at 11.45pm...this am shes kicked off again... koh cant bear to be around her, well none of us can to be fair, shes abused him so much in the uk and coming here was ment to be a fresh start for her - we told her she can be who she wants to be as no1 here knows her history etc and she can really make a go of things... i know teenagers can be horrid but this is off the scale...she wont go back to the uk - she loves it here!!! shes living her dream and we cant stop her...and i really dont know how we get her back..(on our planet or the uk). none of this is new with her - weve had an awful time with her for 4yrs or so in the uk, been counselling,mental health,therapy etc, koh & i even did parenting sessions with social services just to give every avenue a try...were back to where we were in the uk - everyone walking on egg shells around her so she doesnt kick off.. school have given me a contact for social services here - but i have given up on that avenue...i dont want to go down that road again, we are all blissfully happy here, untill she kicks off, been here 4 weeks tomorrow and shes attacked koh twice, her bro, stayed out 13nights,broken everyrule/repect issue...police have warned her & us.. koh and i discussed returning to the uk last night - we really dont want to but it may be the only way to get her back in the uk (if he leaves the country we all have to as hes the visa holder) even if its just a flying visit and not get her a flight back here, social services in the uk have a placement reserved/set up for her, as she was going into care if she hadnt come and validated, my family wont touch her and told us not to take her in the first place.. like i said advice very welcome but dont judge me please - your not living with her. Any agents? can we have her visa suspended for 6mths/year, im hoping in my heart of hearts once shes moved away from us and lived a bit of life and realises you have to follow rules/be a human being no matter where you are in life, that she will learn from it and become a better person and understand us... First of all dont blame yourself too much, my mates daughter sounds like her twin :eek: they are a strict aussie catholic family, never have and probably never will leave australia even for a holiday, so immigrations probably not entirely to blame either! but it could have set it off. Know that the mother going down the social services, police, catholic school councillor. didnt help them, quite the opposite shes now got a welfare payment each fortnight to help enjoy herself:blink: Dunno really but they sound so similar thought I should reply. |
Re: Teenager problems
Originally Posted by katsmajic
(Post 6347222)
Thanks to all who have replied, when i say we discussed going to the uk i didnt mean permenantly for us - purely to take her there and leave her,
Not so sure about that bit of the plan :eek: if she has that deep emotional problems/problems that might lead to something happening both of you would regret. But of course I know its a bit hard for us to say, we dont know her. Teens not the easy stage is it :wub::blink::confused: |
Re: Teenager problems
I agree that returning to the UK won't necessarily solve anything and the only thing I have to add is to get a full physical check done. A friend of mine has a son with behaviour problems and it turns out he's allergic to gluten/dairy and some other things and now that his diet has changed he's much calmer. Failing that she may be ADHD or some other problem that could be alleviated with medication.
It could be that she should leave school and train or apprentice as something she wants to do, but it sounds like she wouldn't really be reliable about turning up and sticking with it. It sounds like she needs to be taken into care for her own good, but it is also not a nice environment for your other kids to be growing up in and if she's physically violent they could be in danger if you aren't there. Talk to your GP and social services. Good luck. |
Re: Teenager problems
Originally Posted by katsmajic
(Post 6347222)
i simply cannot take anymore, and im not letting our lives here become totally miserable because of her.
we (2lil uns, koh & i) are amazingly happy here, oldest boy is happy and enjoys school...he says hes looking forward to having a future... Focus on the good stuff and work it out from there. A bit of separation, however this is achieved, might help loosen some of the emotional blockages. If you continue dealing with the situation in the same way that you have up until now, ask yourself whether you'll continue to get the same response. If you desire change, but she's unwilling, then change can only come about by you being the instrument of change; you changing / doing things differently. |
Re: Teenager problems
Personally I think throwing her into "the system" isnt the answer. She needs to know that she cannot carry on like she is and drastic change is the only way to go. Putting labels on people is all too easy in this day and age. Seriously I would look into sending her away on a wilderness program designed for these kids who need to face up to lifes realities. She will have nowhere to run to, no privliges unless earnt etc etc ... this way she may learn to appreciate and respect the people she has in life and find herself in the process.
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Re: Teenager problems
This link is to an American site.
Any in Australia? I know dumping her in the uk/the system isnt an ideal solution, but its certainly one were considering. Same as i know she has problems, but enough is enough, action has to be taken, im sick of 'working through it' cos it happens time and time again, she doesnt change, everytime weve worked through things with ss weve had to back down, reset boundaries, start from fresh, withdraw all punishments and give her trust/belongings back instantly, let her go back out again - all to see if shes learnt to respect the boundaries..shes had 2 key workers refuse to work with her after failing them so many times...
Originally Posted by sel
(Post 6346981)
Send her to brat camp !!!
http://www.alternativesummercamps.com/summer-camps.html Its something that I dread happening. It could happen to anyone so I do sympathise with what you are all going through. |
Re: Teenager problems
Originally Posted by sel
(Post 6347331)
Personally I think throwing her into "the system" isnt the answer. She needs to know that she cannot carry on like she is and drastic change is the only way to go. Putting labels on people is all too easy in this day and age. Seriously I would look into sending her away on a wilderness program designed for these kids who need to face up to lifes realities. She will have nowhere to run to, no privliges unless earnt etc etc ... this way she may learn to appreciate and respect the people she has in life and find herself in the process.
I tend to agree with this more, IMO she is in pain trying to sort her head out than lash out, because she knows when she does that she gets everybody's attention, but this isnt good for the rest of the family, nobody is benefiting I think Brat camp or even Military camp for her might be the answer. I really think mum has her hands full with her little one's, I think she wants you more than anybody else, spend some time with her tell her what she's doing to the family, get her face up to what's happening, soon she'll be adult & believe me nobody would tolerate her behavior & she can end up with criminal record. Good luck Kat, you are a really good caring mum, who loves her daughter so much & wants the best for her, talk to the SS too, see if they have something new to offer her, you'll never know if you dont give them a go, different country different system. F xx:wub::wub: |
Re: Teenager problems
Originally Posted by katsmajic
(Post 6347368)
This link is to an American site.
Any in Australia? I know dumping her in the uk/the system isnt an ideal solution, but its certainly one were considering. Same as i know she has problems, but enough is enough, action has to be taken, im sick of 'working through it' cos it happens time and time again, she doesnt change, everytime weve worked through things with ss weve had to back down, reset boundaries, start from fresh, withdraw all punishments and give her trust/belongings back instantly, let her go back out again - all to see if shes learnt to respect the boundaries..shes had 2 key workers refuse to work with her after failing them so many times... http://www.familyfirstaid.org/?gclid...FR4vagod7zZvng |
Re: Teenager problems
spoken to ss, they cant do owt till monday.
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Re: Teenager problems
Originally Posted by katsmajic
(Post 6347368)
This link is to an American site.
Any in Australia? ... http://www.outwardbound.org.au/conte...ategory/10/16/ Good luck. |
Re: Teenager problems
Thanks, we did do one of these courses in the uk with her via ss. She loved it, she would jump at the chance to go on one again or even bootcamp..as its an adventure and she gets lots of attention.
We'll have to see what ss can say/do on monday, but i know theres no quick fix or easy answer, and its going to be hell living with 3 people not talking to each other or even prepared to be in the same room...(koh, son and daughter - boys not tolerating her) and i dont blame them - koh has been refered to as 'it, B*****d, FB or twat' even in front of lil kids and son gets called queer/perve or pedo, unless she wants money then its dad... i want this to end before i end up hating her guts! is there any 'assistance' for teenagers who cant/dont want to live at home? i know the uk has the ymca etc, your ment to be 16 but they do make allowances.
Originally Posted by spartacus
(Post 6347507)
It might not be of the 'high impact' type you're after, but it could be of interest, a starting point, or they may be able to refer you on further.
http://www.outwardbound.org.au/conte...ategory/10/16/ Good luck. |
Re: Teenager problems
Katsmajic
You have described my daughter, I am in work and am trying to stop the tears, I actually do know how you feel. I have no answers I am only trying desparately like you to hold my life and my families together inspite of every effort of my 15 year old to destroy it. We know that feeling that when she is away we are happy my husband (real father) suffers abuse. She does not hit me because I grew up with my mother being abused and I stated to her if she comes near me I will put her down so hard. Yes I know we are not supposed to do this but no little shit is going to hit me. We have metal boxes screwed to the floor and padlocked to protect our precious stuff because she regulalry steals from us whatever she can take. We have periods of peace and then something hits off and our lives are hell. Currently she has left home (we told her to leave unless she lives by our rules). She thought she would be better off because she got a boyfriends mother to take her in. We are waiting for a DOCs refuge for her, husband took out an AVO against her violence the last time but went to court last week for the extension and withdrew it!!!! Soft bugger - he worried about the possible affect on her! I do not want her home if her behaviour cannot change - she has left school because at 15 she can - in fact she can do what she likes and as far as I am concerned she can just as long as I keep my house locked and my family away from her. Look out for a Tough Love parent group in your area and get involved - they understand. Talk to your police liasion about possible AVOs. Do not leave any stone unturned to get support for yourself and family - do not concentrate on her for the time being, get yourself well and in the right frame of mind to make decisions phone docs and if she is violent throw her out if you want! No violence is acceptable. If like me, are you getting to the point you are waiting for the moment that a weapon is picked up in a fight and used. I dread having rows in the kictchen the knife block is too near? I also have trouble sleeping some nights because I worry is this the night she snaps too far and really hurts us in our beds asleep. I am a very capable person in every aspect of my life - I have been reduced to a bubblering idiot over the last three years by a child. You have done all you can, try Tough Love or other local group and get people round you who understand your needs. Stop blaming yourself and give you and your family back the self esteem you deserve. Please pm me and we can talk further if you would like. I think you are wonderfully brave coming on here and raising this issue - I will make a bet there are many like us but it is viewed (mostly by ourselves) as shameful that we cannot control things as parents. I know this is not true but you get left with so little self respect when a child abuses you physically or mentally that much of your life is distorted or destroyed. I am flying back to England in July for a break and my daughter just asked me was she coming, I laughed so hard inside and calmly said no - there is no recognition from them that they are in anyway at fault. I saw my daughter Sunday because she asked to come round cause it was mothers day - I cried the day before because I was scared and worried - I did not want to see her I cannot pretend any longer that she does anything but make me miserable. As it turns out she only wanted to come round to get some things and it suited her - Mothers day was just an excuse. Do not know where I am going with this post - you opened the floodgates for me. Best of Luck sandra |
Re: Teenager problems
Originally Posted by katsmajic
(Post 6347527)
is there any 'assistance' for teenagers who cant/dont want to live at home? i know the uk has the ymca etc, your ment to be 16 but they do make allowances. Do not make the threat to her if you are not going to see it through (I know you know this :) ) |
Re: Teenager problems
Crap
I don't know if you have given these guys a ring.. The Parent Helpline is a telephone information service for parents in South Australia. 1300 364 100 (local call cost within South Australia) The Children, Youth and Women's Health Services (CYWHS) Parent Helpline provides telephone information and support - 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, every day of the year. It is available to parents of children/young people from birth to twenty-five years who live anywhere in South Australia. It provides information about health, behaviour and relationships for parents and people working with children and young people. It is able to provide information to callers on where to go for further help. Calls are confidential and you don't have to give your name unless you wish to. Parent Helpline staff have an information database based on the latest research, so they can give you the most up-to-date information when you call. Staff are qualified nurses, social workers, community health workers and selected volunteers. All staff receive ongoing training and support. Might provide you with some help. Good luck. I know it must be incredibly hard for you but I remember being that age, had issues in my family that required family counseling...but I do remember that even though I did not want to be bad, I just couldn't help it(when rebelling against what I thought were draconian rules). It was just like having PMT at it's worse but 50 times as bad, so hormones I guess. Is she on the pill? I hope she is if she's staying out. Sorry if that sounds insensitive but it is the last thing you need right now. |
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