debs1966

Hi Guys

So sick of posting doom and gloom posts on here because I am normally a very positive upbeat person but it just helps to get other peoples take on things.

Basically I arrived in Perth at the end of August so have only been here nearly 6 months which is not long at all.

My partner wants to go back and no matter how much I persuade him otherwise he wants to go. I have tried saying for him to change his job which he said he can't be bothered to look for another. I have asked him to go back and see how he feels when he gets back there but he won't do that without me going.

Last year when we were coming out here I decided that I didnt want to come because I just had a feeling what he would be like and my GUT instinct was right never defy it.

He his so depressed even his mum his here at the moment and she can't cheer it up so there is no chance for me lol.

I on the other hand yes I do have my up and down days I'm not going to deny that. I have started a new job which I love. I have left my daughter back in the UK which has been hard. Our son who we have together is started to enjoy school and make friends. Which he finds difficult due to the fact that he has been diagnosed with ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder) so it has been a big leap for him to come here.

But still it makes no difference my partner has got all the shipping companies coming in this week to get prices for removals. And I'm just not sure I am ready to take the plunge back because I think I will resent him for it and quite honestly I think will split up from my point of view if we were to go back.

I am sure I won't be the first and last in this position but any feedback would be greatly appreciated.

Many thanks

Debs

jad n rich

Sounds like you both have VERY strong family ties in the UK. So to cope here you would have to really love it, not just muddle along.

Perth is usually a love it or hate it place, some tire of it, not in the first months, but the been there done that feel hits down the track.

So you have to at least spend a week or so in a second choice part of OZ, what does he feel is missing, would that be elsewhere in OZ?

Will you be happy with the education system in OZ given help can be quite limited time and fund wise for those with learning difficulties. On the other hand you could prefer its laid back style.

Difficult really when a couple emigrate, one loves it and one doesnt, causes a crossroads, is someone going to compromise where they live for the other person.

KJCherokee

Sorry, but it sounds like a disaster waiting to happen whatever you do. When a couple have such differing opinions on what to do in life it is almost impossible to find a compromise position. Have you thought of splitting the difference by moving to the East Coast? Does your partner (not 'husband', I notice) hate Australia or just the job he is stuck in in Perth? And what makes you want to stay when your daughter is in the UK?

One (or both) of you needs to make a decision, and soon. You say he won't go back without you but doesn't want to remain here with you - seems a bit like having cake and eating it to me.

SmelisWelsh

Hi Debs,

It's a horrible situation and i've seen it happen to so many people here... i live in 'Little Britain' aka North Lakes in Brisbane..been here 5 years, broke up with husband of 11 years after only being in Oz 1 year...very different circumstances, but when we left the UK, we agreed if one of us didn't like it, we would move elsewhere in Oz before even contemplating going back to the UK.

It's possibly one of the hardest decsions you will have to make, i know i would never leave Oz for anything. If i had a partner and he wanted to go back...he would be going on his own
When there are kids involved too, it's so much harder.

Talk to him, see if he would consider moving elsewhere.

Melis

h2oskineil

That's good advice.... I have friends who have just moved to Geraldton and LOVE it.
The few months you have been here, have been anywhere in WA? There just could be somewhere that might work for you. What job is he doing, is it a job he could do elsewhere?

I feel to spend all that cash going back, only to discover nothing has changed and it actually wasn't that bad in Oz, is a recipe for disaster, both financially and relationship.

Have you got PR? Why not set a citizenship goal for your children's future... stick it out until you get it and then decide what you want to do as a couple.

Good luck

quoll

Is it the people who are more important in your life or the place?
Was he depressed before he started or is this a new thing for him?

If this is the man you want to grow old with then it sounds like you are going to be the sacrificial lamb in all this - you have a choice to break your relationship if the country means that much to you. Sure you are going to feel resentment at some times, most sacrificial lambs do, but ask yourself - which is going to be least worst, here without him or there with him? If you think that your relationship is not going to stand the test of time anyway then stay where you are (he cant take your son back without your permission so you two can stay if you want) but if the relationship has longevity then bite the bullet and go to where his depression is not going to bring you all down.

If he is habitually depressed then he perhaps should see a doctor sooner rather than later. If this is situational depression then changing the situation is probably going to be the best thing to do for his mental health.

((hugs))) to you, it is a difficult situation to find yourself in but at the end of the day you have to look after yourself - no one else is going to do it for you. IMHO no country is worth losing the people you love

kips

Debs, I really, really feel for you because I hated Australia when we emigrated here in 2003 and can understand where your partner is coming from.

I loved my life in Oxfordshire and bitterly resented my husband's refusal to contemplate anything other than a move here.

I gave in to please him and travelled to Sydney (on the day the Gulf War started) with our 2-month-old son as my OH was already here.

The trip was a nightmare as my son was sick twice on the plane and I was an emotional wreck. The grotty apartment we stayed in for 6 weeks in Manly didn't help.

I come from a close family and was so terribly homesick and depressed I went back to the UK for 5 weeks after only 7 months here ! My husband was petrified I wasn't coming back and phoned me twice a day for the entire 5 weeks I was in the UK.

We've been visiting the UK every 2 years to see family and that is what kept me sane. It's only now I don't feel that urgent need to go back every 2 years or feel so homesick. However, I do miss my family.

Nine years on I am still here and getting on with life so it is possible to make it work, even if one of you is homesick.

I keep telling myself it is pointless moving back to England just for the sake of it without jobs, especially with the state of the UK economy.

You have both spent so much time, money and effort to get here I think he needs to give it more time and as others have said perhaps a move to another part of Oz will help. And I think he owes you and your son that, especially as you are both happy here.

Make a list of the pros and cons of moving back and see if that helps. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Big Galah

Answer's in the question.

Your partner wants to go back home?

Then let him go.

Tell him you're staying but he's free to go if he really wants.

People can react badly if you one day stand up to them and say "no", but it sounds like you need to do it.

good luck.

Amazulu

Ultimately, emigration is a big deal - some people handle it and thrive, others don't.

There is no right and wrong, it's just the nature of the beast.

Cheetah7

Debs, you mentioned that he is depressed and nothing can shake him out of it. I would sit him down and say you will consider it ONLY if he talks to his doctor because no way should he be making life changing decisions if his current state of mind is not up to scratch - explain that to him.

Tell him you are not saying 'no', you are saying you would like him to talk to someone (doctor) before you make the move back.

He probably cant see the wood for the trees at the moment and that is not a good time to be organising an international move.

Just ask him to slow down, take a deep breath and get some help about his emotional state because if the usual things that make him happy are not having an effect and you said even his Mum being here isnt helping, then that is a concern.

Because it could be, even moving back might not shake him out of his misery, it could in fact make him feel so bloody unanchored that it could make things worse.

That can be your only condition - for him to talk to someone, then and only then, will you discuss it further.

Davesax

Send him back in the winter on his own . Be strong Debs , I've been through it . I've also seen people ping pong a few times because neither person is strong enough to give it a serious go , or they'll do anything for their partner that can't decide . Your sons life is better in Perth . Good luck to you .

Cheetah7

That is a very good point - I think aside from getting him to talk to a professional about his feelings, Debs needs to work out what she wants and if she really wants to stay in Perth, then needs to work out a way of making that possible and then stand firm on that decision.

garyp

I feel for you and know what you are going through. It sounds very much like my situation. We were living on the Gold Coast and I reached the 5-6 month mark and really wanted to return to the UK.I can only describe it as if someone had died and I was grieving.I discussed it with wife but she was happy even though it was my idea to leave UK and she went along. I selfishly booked the return flights and got the shipping company in even though she didnt want that and returned after 8 months.
I didnt want to return when it was time as felt much more settled but it was too late as things were in place and kids were looking forward to going back.
Been back in UK now for 15 months and if your husband is reading this my advice to him is you will regret it as I have. I was told you need to give it at least 2 years and they are right. I am still married and i dont know how my wife puts up with me but we bought another house and got on with our lives .kids are happy but my wife and I hate it back in UK. I had a safety net as our old house and job was still here and if i never had that i would not have returned. I would love to go back before my visa expires but the wife is not prepared to go through it again even though she loved it and we would have to sedate kids to take them again.
Tell him to stick with it after all the hard work and expense to get there he may regret returning in the future. i am i was far happier in Oz
all the best

Buzzy--Bee

Mate, fantastic post. It takes guts to admit you screwed up and you wish you'd done things differently.

I hope people read and learn from your experience.

BB

Amazulu

Some people are good candidates for emigration, but they don't really know it. You sound like one of them.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.